Half Baked: White People's Artichoke Dip
And now the second of our Super Bowl-applicable recipes!
Dear Jewish and/or poor friends—have you ever wondered what WASPs eat? Trick question. WASPs don’t eat! They drink. But they do like to put food out and feign eating. There are three WASP foodstuffs for setting out and feigning eating, but the one I’m here to talk to you about today is mayonnaise. (The other two, cucumbers and shrimp, are only around because they’re pink and green and cold, and WASPs like food created in their own image.)
One other thing WASPs love is that adorable and slightly drunk girl at the party. And while the best of us are born into the role, there is hope for the rest of you because it can be learned. And I would like to teach you how to master the fine art of being the slightly drunk girl who trots out a delicious artichoke dip at parties because, quite frankly, I’m really awesome at it and you need to be told things.
Traditional artichoke dips are really quite simple, but I’ve usually got Important Drinking To Do and therefore have distilled mine down to a three-ingredient, one-bowl process that allows me to drink fairly heavily throughout. You should work on doing the same. God knows, alcohol can’t make you more dull.
Measure a cup of mayo into a mixing bowl. You needn’t be particularly precise about this.
Open and drain a can of artichoke hearts. Toss the artichokes in the bowl with the mayo. Pour a glass of wine, grab a fistful of ice cubes and plunk them in. Drink it. Turn the oven on to 400°. Using a fork and a spoon, pull apart the artichokes while mixing them into the mayonnaise. This will feel awkward but that’s why you have the wine, to ease your anxiety about things. Top off your grape juice.
Stir in 3/4 of a cup of grated parmesan cheese and pour the whole disgusting mess into a baking dish. Don’t spend too much time looking at it because if you do your mind is going to go to a place it really shouldn’t go when one is contemplating dip and—oh, you did it. Now you’re looking at your last yeast infection sitting inside some Corningware and it’s all over. POUR AND DRINK MORE WINE, STAT. FOREGO THE CUBES IF YOU MUST. Grip your countertops and regain your composure.
Top the mayo mixture with a 1/4 of a cup more of cheese and put this utter disaster of a foodstuff in the oven for 20 minutes. Pour more wine. Throw cubes in with wild abandon!
After 20 minutes it’s Choose Your Own Adventure time. Either:
1. Take it out of the oven to cool before transporting elsewhere and reheating, following the instructions for step 2 once you’ve arrived at your destination and have gotten a glass of wine from your hostess. (“WITH CUBES, DEAR.”) or.
2. crank the oven to 475° and let it go for about 10 more minutes until the top is nicely browned.
Now, the most important part. Don’t you dare eat any of that. It’s made entirely of mayo. Mayo with cheese. Leave the fat dip for the guests and go fix me another wine. Yes, with cubes! Come now.
Jolie Kerr wears Lilly below 14th Street.
Wow. Maybe we're related.
I finally know what a yeast infection looks like!
It is a day of learning!
(For some reason my initial expectation was… like a loaf of bread? I'm kind of disappointed now!)
I always imagine caulifloweresque.
"Cottage cheese" is the standard description.
You had me at yeast infection. And drinking.
Ahem. WHITE WOMAN.
I beg to differ. Jolie is a black, gay man.
*blinking*
I assume the trick is to drink the wine before the ice can melt EVEN JUST A LITTLE BIT.
OK…that is a fine start…but….you can kick it up a notch or two, for those who have more taste buds than the average WASP.
First, use TWO 14 ounce cans of artichoke hearts. Drain them, chop them.
Then…use freshly grated Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese.
One cup of Mayo. (not the light shit)
5 mg of Adderall (steal from son's stash). Down with wine. Do not put in dip.
Mince 4 cloves of garlic.
2 tablespoons of sherry
Dash of Cayenne.
(at this point, I throw in red pepper flakes and tabasco, but that's just me. It's certainly not in the Country Club Recipe Book).
Mix all together
I always grate more cheese on top after everything is mixed.
Put in oven.
Cook until bubbly.
Throw some paprika on top to give it color.
Steal more Adderall from son to keep your appetite in check, drink more wine and ARRIVE as the slightly tipsy girl at the party (only IF spouse or someone else is driving…if not, skip the booze, just down the pills with water).
um, will you be my mom?
OMG FLAVOR EW!
Um JK. Yum!
Only if you come with your own supply of Adderral.
Only if she makes the mayo from scratch.
…or Adderall. Whatever.
Spelling!
done and done! and I mean done! done! done! done! done!
you get points for garlic.
@hockeymom: Shhhh, don't tell the others but… sometimes I sneak in a dash or five of Tabasco. And yes, one is always to arrive slightly tipsy to a party. Always. That's why God created dressers.
The problem with adding Tabasco and all of hockeymom's yummy stuff is that now I'm tempted to actually eat the dip. I must not be drinking enough wine.
WOW.
Jolie, should you ever want to expand your repertoire this is best WASP cook book ever
http://tinyurl.com/y9etml9
written by a woman who never ate. RIP Nan.
The Amazon reviews are hysterical.
OHMYGODNANKEMPNER Lover her/want to hate her/can't hate a creature so fabulous!!!
NAN IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL.
After buying, and 'reading' Nan Kempner's book, i was left extremely disappointed! I want my money back! Yes, it was that bad! Nan: please stick to your superficial luncheons, and plastic people….on Park Avenue! I LOVE FAT PEOPLE NAN! By the way, i read the interview in "W" magazine, and i must say, i think alot LESS about Nan Kempner now!
Edith?
"I really liked this book and enjoyed very much reading it. The recipes are quiet easy to prepare and taste very good."
This is so literal I think it might be Art.
SPY magazine years ago had, "A Visit With Nan Kempner", fabulous and memorable. The writer seemed to be following her around her gracious abode as the staff prepared for a glamorous dinner party, and she spouted aphorisms like Auntie Mame. "You see, I must have people and parties and the mix of fascinating people..!"
There was a picture of Nan looking quizzical, captioned, I know the kitchen's around here somewhere.
At the end of the article the writer asks if he can come to the dinner party. "Her eyes bugged widely, she looked at me as if I had said something in Chinese. "
Hahahaha! "Come? To the dinner party? Oh, you're simply a delight."
"and then replied, 'can I see your papers?'
Jolie, I am lost without the guidance of Nan and Pat Buckley.
haha, send the reporter down the service elevator.
Nan: "Quite often, grain-based salads can taste so healthy that they're bland, but Catie solved that problem by sauteing the vegetables, tossing in prosciutto, and then adding that great elixir, mayonaisse, to quinoa, something I'd never had before."
She actually sputtered something like, "Oh! Well, if it were only so simple, but you must understand, there's charts and seating arrangements, and protocol, and the wind, the telephone, and Henry Kissinger. Must go!"
Remember the scene in that Woody Allen movie where he converts to Catholicism by buying a loaf white bread and a gigantic jar of mayonnaise? Oh, and a bible too. CLASSIC.
Hi Jolie,
I'm a lower middle class white person (mostly German but some Scandinavian and Scotish blood) from a small-middle America state that WASPs have never been too (although they've all hear 'how beautiful' it is) and I have a question.
Can I use Miracle Whip instead of mayo?
Thanks
Northern Iowa? Wisconsin?
South Ohiostan
In my home state, "mayo" means Miracle Whip. The first time I unknowingly had real mayo, I nearly threw up.
Wow, that was like a John Cheever story crossed with the back of a Ritz cracker box. Thanks internet.
But wait, do we HAVE TO put in ice cubes?
YOU JUST DON'T GET IT, DO YOU?
I don't think you even want to get it.
WASP FAIL
*withering glare* Yes.
Ok, ok. I give- I'm a WASP and I don't get this. Do I still count? Is this because my family is from Toronto where it is too cold for wine? Please explain otherwise I will worry myself into potential forehead wrinkling.
It is never too cold for wine!
Yeah, what the crap. Ice cubes in wine? I've been to more dull new England WASP dinners than you've had hot meals and nobody, but NOBODY, puts ICE in their WINE. Ice is reserved for g&t's and and other tennis cocktails. Also, putting ice in your scotch will get you kicked out of the reading room of the club.
Mine is really more of a sherry family. It fortifies the blood in the harsh northern climes.
And I still need an explanation! Because the only people I've known to do this were elderly Italian ladies.
@DainCurst: OMG my mother puts sherry in everything <3U! Oh so about the ice… well, you wouldn't very well cube your wine during a dinner. Heavens no. But certainly among my set, for our daytime tipples we allllll take cubes. YOUR MILEAGE MAY VARY, as a wise man often reminds us.
If you have to ask, you'll never know.
@DainCurst: My mother puts sherry in everything. <3U!
So um, about the ice: Well you wouldn't very well cube your wine at a dinner. Heavens no. But among my set we alllll put ice in our wine for our daytime tippling. But! YOUR MILEAGE MAY VARY, as a wise man likes to remind us.
(Sorry if this comment is a dup – I thought I'd left it, now I don't see it, also I am drinking, so.)
I've seen people put ice in wine. It is kind of an old WASP lady thing, isn't it?
No ice cubes at like, a dinner. But for ambient wine? Ice. Dear sweet ice.
katie, do you mind if I add ambient wine to my lexicon; as in 'drinking ambient wine at the sad mall.'
this happens in the kitchen, out of sight
Artichokes are threateningly ethnic – can I just use more mayonnaise?
Form balls of chilled mayonnaise, pull apart with fork and spoon.
Alt: Iceberg lettuce.
Bad illustration.
That woman is way too relaxed, carefree, warm, and not blotto to be a true WASP. I speak with authority, from experience.
Oh, and @Tuna Surprise? Miracle Whip? BITE YOUR MIDWESTERN TONGUE! Gack!
Is that Lauren Bush?
Exactly what I thought.
Actually, I'm all stocked up to make this for a pot luck tomorrow night. I will also be using spinach however. And topping it with pepper jack cheese. It's a certified yum
This is basically perfect, but can we have a column devoted to the Uses Of Cream Cheese?
I believe this recipe is known as "A Cup A Cup A Can"
It is! And another "cup a cup a" recipe is referenced by Olympia Dukakis in Steel Magnolias, and it sounds even more disgusting.
It can be found here: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20081121160307AANqyhd
@lindsay: I knew someone who made the Steel Magnolias version and said it was VILE DRECK that no amount of irony or DollyLove could make up for.
And just 'cause: "We'll make t-shirts that say, 'I SLAPPED OUISER BOUDREAUX!"
MAYONNAISE, YEAST INFECTION, IT IS RAD TO HAVE ALCOHOLISM, NEW ENGLAND-CENTRIC
I enjoyed this comment.
Serve artichoke dip with Triscuits.
Amongst my friends, there's a theory that Triscuits are for (*gasp*) Jews, and Wheat Thins are the true WASP cracker.
Triscuits do rule.
@Setec Astrology: it's true! Stoned Wheat Thins however are the true liberal-yuppie cracker.
As a child of both a WASP and a Jew my dinner parties always have an alarming mashup of cultural memes.
What about Carr's Water Biscuits? Ryvita? Surely these crackers, imported from Great Britain and Denmark respectively, are W.A.S.P.ier?
Yes, Baroness. Yes.
Mine too. Er, if I had dinner parties, that is. (Drinks, man, drinks!) Personally, I think the only thing WASPS liked mashed up is their food, so I try to err on the side of caution–you want to make your guests feel comfortable, right?– by matching the cracker to the cracker. This also works with old/new Pucci, btw. Try it!
@Goons. Sigh.
Ha! Thanks to internets delay, I've just validated and/or debunked Setec Astrology's friends' racial theories. I am half-Jew, half-WASP. (Wheat Thins are okay for snacking on their own, but too sweat to eat with anything on them.)
Dave, will you join my club consisting of myself and you?
I'm in. And Stoned Wheat thins are welcome anytime. But no Club crackers in our cracker club.
This has been an Epic day on the internets
Hey gang! I've tried to leave this comment about 90 times and the site is telling me it's up but I do not see it and also I am drinking, so. FORGIVETH IF I AM REPEATING MYSELF. FORGIVETH IF I AM REPEATING MYSELF.
@DainCurst: My mother puts sherry in everything. <3U!
So um, about the ice: Well you wouldn't very well cube your wine at a dinner. Heavens no. But among my set we alllll put ice in our wine for our daytime tippling. But! YOUR MILEAGE MAY VARY, as a wise man likes to remind us.
Wait since when are you allowed to cook with mayo? I've been told that's a good way to acquire food poisoning?
Jolie Kerr rips off Alexandra Wentworth below 14th St.
Alexandra Wentworth! Yes! I totally forgot about The WASP Cookbook (which I NEED and don't know how I NEVER HAD???)!! I take it from the tone of your comment you weren't a fan, so okay! But the way I see it, every decade or so a new tongue-in-cheek WASP mocker comes along and I'm thrilled to be in the company of Ms. Wentworth and Ms. Birnbach and Mr. Walker. (Or at least that's what I'm going to tell myself so I don't CRY because NOMOMENTAL WAS MEAN TO ME WAAAAHHH!!!)
Jolie–I have it, and it's fine, but I wouldn't say you were ripping it off, because you took it in a different direction. Also, you are a good deal funnier.
@SemberBufo: That was a really nice thing to say, thank you.
ex oh ex oh
"WASPs don’t eat! They drink."
This is so very true.
I am in hearts with this!
Hey, um. You forgot the lemon. You'll also need olives for the threateningly strong martinis afterward.