Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010

A Letter To The New York Times

Poor Malty!To the Editor:

Re: "Heel. Sit. Whisper. Good Dog." (February 3), an article about "debarking," that barbaric procedure in which a dog's vocal cords are cut so that its owners are no longer troubled by noise complaints from their neighbors:

I want to thank you for addressing this topic. I am a Maltese terrier who has resided in New York City my whole life. Several years ago, my owners Marty and Sylvia Bayer had me "debarked" after the people in 3G complained to the co-op board about my playful yelps. This kind of surgery is indeed as tragic and inhumane as you make it out to be.

While I applaud you for shedding light on this grisly procedure, I wanted to alert you and your readers to something even more horrific: My owners have threatened to cut my nuts out. As shocking as that may seem to you, it is in no way an isolated incident. Many of my friends from doggie daycare have already undergone this terrible disfigurement. One day they're energetic canines with everything to live for, and the next day they're sluggish zombies who can't even be bothered to chase a squirrel or run to the door when the bell rings. Also, they no longer have testicles.

I would hope that this revelation elicits further coverage from your fine organization. It would be a shame if we focused on the admittedly grotesque operation that severs a dog's vocal cords while completely ignoring the even more serious crime of canine genital mutilation. I would be even more appreciative if you could do something about this prior to March 7th, when I'm scheduled for my appointment.

I appreciate your taking an interest in this matter. And please tell Maureen Dowd that she is my absolute favorite part of the paper.

New York, Feb 3, 2010

The writer is very concerned that they are going to CUT HIS BALLS OFF.

33 Comments / Post A Comment

Ah, quit complainin', Malty. Unlike lots of us, it's obvious you were not de-balled as a puppy. So you've had years to piss all over the furniture, hump visitors' pants legs, and generally make a nuisance of yourself. You had a good run, man. Give 'em up.

– Not So "Sparky" Anymore

Tuna Surprise (#573)

Don't anyone tell Malty about the horrors of Doggy Eugenics.

cherrispryte (#444)

Not to be all soapboxy, and while "canine genital mutilation" is a clever/funny phrase, female genital mutilation is pretty much the only thing on my list of Things You Do Not Joke About, EVER.

SemperBufo (#1,849)

Only female?

oudemia (#177)

Oh, my list is longer. It has prison rape on it, too.

HiredGoons (#603)

I too, did not find 'Antichrist' funny.

So you're saying we can make fun of mermaids?

cherrispryte (#444)

Definitely. Mermaids, fatties, the Holocaust – go for it, I'll laugh as hard as anyone else. But FGM? Nope.

cherrispryte (#444)

@SemperBufo – Essentially, yes. While I think the popularity of male circumscision is ridiculous and wrong, it doesn't have the devastating effects of FGM. And though male genital mutilation (which is a lot more severe than foreskin removal) does exist, it tends to be in rare freak cases, rather than something affecting 130 million people worldwide.

garge (#736)

Is there an at-home DIY debarking kit? I have a certain bichon in mind who is still "getting used" to her new surroundings, 8 months into her lease. Would be willing to pay international S&H.

hunter.blatherer (#3,308)

Yes. It's called training, and there's a lot of professionals (and non-pros) who can do it.

libmas (#231)

That is maybe the harshest cut on MoDo I have ever seen, especially coming from such an adorable source as Malty

bong hitler (#3,233)

Sort of makes one wonder what kind of dogs read David Brooks. I'm thinking Labs for some reason.

libmas (#231)

Oh, I wasn't thinking that Malty liked to READ Modo… More that he wasn't quite housebroken…

It's mandatory in NYC. Remember the story of the guy who had a pure-bred dog he was raising to make beaucoup bucks off of breeding? It got lose, ACA picked it up and per their usual procedure spayed it. Dreams of early retirmenet, dashed!

Sorry, puppy!

City_Dater (#2,500)

It isn't "mandatory in NYC," sadly. If an unspayed or unneutered dog ends up at Animal Care and Control, they spay or neuter the animal before releasing it to a home. And the proceedure isn't done until someone comes forward to adopt the dog.
You're spreading the Asshole Hoping to Run an Urban Puppy Mill Has Hopes Dashed legend…

When I was at ACA, the woman in front of me was yelling in Spanish at the person behind the counter. Apparently someone had turned in her pup. She was clearly upset, but it wasn't until she switched to English that I understood why. "You mean he's gonna have no balls?!?!?" Turns to me, "No balls?!?! How is he gonna walk down the street?!?!" Startled, I started to answer that I thought he would be able to walk just fine once the incision healed. This was not her concern.

It's not? Sorry, Fita!

HiredGoons (#603)

Just give them Scotch and Pall Malls and those vocal chords will give out on their own soon enough.

jolie (#16)

It worked for Balk!

bong hitler (#3,233)

The solution here is to buy dogs as puppies and as they get older and louder and lose their cuteness, just eat the damn things. Works with pigs. People need to be less squeamish in these tough times.

YES, also old people.

cherrispryte (#444)

And irish babies!

My GMO dog will bark Lenny Bruce routines.

cherrispryte (#444)

Also, I thought the solution to NYC barking dogs was to hire a drag queen dressed sort-of like Santa to play drums until the dog either barks itself to death, or swandives out the window? Or is that too 1996?

Bittersweet (#765)

It is too 1996, because no one has a grand in cash lying around anymore.

Rw (#1,458)

This seems to be rather squarely in line with Man's History with his "best Friend" not shocked, not puzzled…but disgusted anyhow.

IBentMyWookie (#133)

As the mother* of THE WORLD'S MOST PRECIOUS MALTESE EVER, I assure you, dearest Malty, that the loss of your testes will not preclude your humping the living Christ out of your owners as they step inside the doorway and attempt to remove their winter boots.

*yes, I'm one of those dog people.

portmanteautally (#1,015)

Never fear, Malty! There's always Neuticles!

BoHan (#29)

Well, when I was a young puppy, we were poor, but my mama worked two jobs and still taught me how to be quiet in public. So all these rich dogs just need to shut up. Whatever happened to a good old-fashioned shock collar and a newspaper to the butt? Man, dogs today.

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