I am going to have what I like to call a "re-set day." (I hyphenate that word to distinguish the concept from that in the Kurt Andersen book. Heh.) This means that today is going to be about noticing and enjoying awesome things! There has been way too much conflict up in my dancery this 2010 and it's time to start over. Won't you join me? If you see or do something hilarious, cool, enjoyable or even just mildly pleasant, give a shout. (Don't worry, I'm sure Mr. Balk will handle the outrage beat on my behalf.)
Friday, January 8, 2010
52
Not timely, but new to the internets (I believe):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TW5va8T5qCw
Ditka
Johnny Morris, lettin' him have it! My respect for the late Mr. M's journalistic abilities just skyrocketed from zero to .5.
Whatever. You're just jealous that you're not catfighting on Tumblr with a significant 80's sitcom actress.
SO JEALZ.
I SAW JUDITH LIGHT BY MACY'S THE OTHER DAY!!!!!!!!!
Speaking of 'enjoyable,' I am overdue for my a.m. cannoli and Colt 45 therapy.
Damnit, now I want a cannoli.
And a gun.
Heavy Metal Rooster: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYFc0VP8cpM
Oh, hell yes.
What color is your dancery?
But which I mean, FUCK YOU you presumptuous fuck. What do you think I am, your outrage monkey? I'm here to vent the spleen you're too delicate and ethereal to give voice to? Oh, no, Choire's having a rough day? He's upset by all the haterade being dispensed on the Internets? Well, no worries, Balk is always there to be bitter and aggro. Well, FUCK THAT SHIT. I'm not going to be a party to this sham. I plan to spend today in a state of total grace and joy, and nothing you say can change that. Seriously, go fuck yourself with something sharp and rusty. I am going to be COMPLETELY FUCKING SERENE today.
You're angry when you're beautiful.--Groucho Marx
EXCITED CLAPPING!!! Also: MONKEYS!!!
(Good gravy do I ever love 2010 Edition Alex Balk Barbie. It's actually kind of bumming me out.)
AS AM I.
"Aggro"? Are you going to wear a red baseball cap backwards?
Better watch it, he might toss a glass of V8 in your face!
This reminds me. I need to pitch that "Angry Cook-Off Competition" to Food Network today.
But where in the world will I find competitors? Hmmm.
Oh wow, new fantasy: Balk thwacking Choire in the face with a bone-in steak; Choire entombing Balk in homemade pie crust (double batch, obvs); Cat fiming; Mary popping bon-bons and heckling the contestants.
"Balk thwacking Choire in the face with a bone"
TEE HEE!!!
Oh, I see what you did there!
Today is the 72nd birthday of Bob Eubanks!
It pleases me to think he is off somewhere makin' whoopee.
So, at this work I do? ;) I am reviewing a business's Emergency Action Plan this morning. And it contains the following directives:
"EARTHQUAKE.
"An earthquake will usually occur without any type of warning.
* * *
"BOMB THREAT (Intercom--meet in break room)
"In the event of a bomb threat, which will normally be received over the telephone, the following procedure should be followed:
"A. The person receiving the bomb threat should complete the attached form and answer questions once the report has been turned over to the Emergency Control Committee."
I have to fill out a form now explaining why I find this "mildly pleasant," but otherwise, I'm free till lunch or the next phone interruption. Or volcanic eruption.
CANNOT STOP LAUGHING IN THIS AIRPORT FRIDAY'S
UhOh, indeed.
VOLCANIC ERUPTION: Usually arrives via volcano. Remember: magma below ground; lava above ground. Fill out paper work before turning into stone.
What if there's a bomb threat in the break room? Via intercom, even?
Where's your precious procedure then, HMM?
What if they email you the bomb?
What if it's a TIMEBOMB?!
(I'm so old, you guys.)
From the form they have to fill out:
"ATTACHMENT 1--BOMB THREAT CHECKLIST
* * *
"B. ASK QUESTIONS LIKE:
"WHEN WILL BOMB GO OFF?
"WHAT IS YOUR PRESENT LOCATION?
"LOCATION OF BOMB?
"WHAT IS YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS?
"HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT THE BOMB?"
"CAN YOU JUST NOT BOMB US INSTEAD?"
DO YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?
I once worked in a building adjacent to an Olympics venue, and we had a similar checklist taped to our telephones for the duration of the Olympics. Also, armed guards standing outside every entrance.
It is impossible to have conflicted dancery on International Lady Gaga Day.
Shouldn't it be "dancerie"? You know, in the original Mary J. Blige.
You read a Kurt Andersen book?
LOL NO! (Shh!) I mean, not THAT one!
This whole thing is fun and cool, but the best part is definitely the cutesy vector art of the twitter bird shitting all over a copy of the New York Times.
this is a "situation"
According to Rachel Maddow, Bob Barker is still alive. He was on her show the other night. I had no idea!
Did he hit on her?
I couldn't hear much over his ridiculous tan.
(But, no.)
So here's a warm your heart story you won't read in the papers! I have a crazy, ultra right, Opus Dei card carrying member aunt who took in a homeless woman this weekend! A tiny little Asian woman who was living in a church and had just been kicked out by her daughter and is now whipping up a storm in my aunt's kitchen and regaling us with stories of escaping Vietnam.
It gave me some hope that not everyone on the right is some war mongering haterade drinking loon.
On second thought, those AA ads are kind of nice.
The RZA crossing the Delaware: http://www.whenartimitateslife.com/
That is a very enjoyable thing.
Also you might need a visit from the Death Bear:
http://clubanimalsnyc.blogspot.com
Choire, this post was inspired by my "happy seal who is happy for happy turtle eating a strawberry" picture from yesterday, wasn't it?
http://misterhippity.tumblr.com/post/322189197/happy-turtle-is-happy-because-he-found-a
David Bowie's 63 today:)
MAD LOVE FOR KING BOWIE.
They say the 60s is the new 30s. Or was it the other way around. Fuck it...I need a men's room.
Matthew Wilder on Renata Adler on Pauline Kael via waggish who got it from scanners.