There's Gotta Be Better Ways For A Teenager To Make $35 Dollars A Day
A high school baseball coach is in trial in New Jersey for allegedly talking to his players about their masturbation habits. A number of the former players at Belmar's St. Rose High School have told jurors how their 43-year-old coach asked that they send him a text message every time they masturbated. The coach would pay up to $5 per text, the players said, and devised a code in which they were provide details. The Asbury Park Press Reports, "The code included a number for the duration of the act and a one-word description of how it felt—from bad to good to excellent."
What's his number? I'm unemployed here.
If it feels bad, you're doing it wrong.
For example, the one-word description for "bad" would be "bad." And for "excellent," the description would be "excellent." See how this works?
I think the number part was the code. The one-word description was, in fact, "bad" or "good" or "excellent."
1 hurried
Could one of you gents explain to me how and under what circumstances jerking yourself off might feel bad? I'm so confused.
(Barring, like, accidentally picking up the tube of Ben Gay rather than the lotion. Right, that I get.)
See it is code. "Bad" doesn't mean bad, it means not nearly as good as "excellent," which, now that I think of it, means excellent. Anyway, it's a scale.
Now can we talk about female masturbation? It exists, right?
The 'hate wank'
You mean excluding the times that involve crying?
Balk?
The confusion is actually what makes it so good.
@all: I MEANT IT FOR REALSIES. Is this a thing, this "bad" feeling masturbating?
OF COURSE NOT.
@Choire: NOW I AM CONFUSED BECAUSE YOU MENFOLK ARE PROVIDING ME WITH CONFLICTING INFORMATION.
@jolie: JUST KEEP TALKING.
It can be "bad" sometimes in the sense that it's purely utilitarian and you don't get any particular rush out of it.
THANK YOU! That makes sense!
I would like to thank The Awl because I have learned several things today and can honestly say that I am less stupid now than I was this morning. (Still not smart, but certainly less stupid.) YAY!
Yeah, he's sort of right. There are "eh" moments of self-love.
@Choire: MAKE UP YOUR MIND.
That's why you have to switch hands occasionally.
Sometimes is just so you can fall asleep.
My husband says it is also a great way to keep warm?
Or you could hurt yourself in some way.
from bad to good to excellent to WOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!!
Perhaps the coach was conducting a rigorous scientific experiment, correlating his team's performance on the court with the frequency of their lapses into onanism.
This man is no scientist–where were the codes for distance, velocity and quantity? Was this man never 17 in his life?
What an amazing scheme. College students scamming their former coach at the rate of $5/SMS!
The fun thing would be trying to figure out how many bogus 'incidents' you could sneak in, maximizing your profits without arousing (ha!) suspicion. Could you increase the limit by playing to your audience's foibles? ("locker room shower – almost caught by prsnl trainer!")
In other words, hustle like a Gawker writer.
Pretty sure Walter Kirn already wrote this story, only the coach was Mormon, not Catholic
I think the real mystery here is how a catholic high school coach could afford to keep up with his payments to all those kids.
selling Drugs.
that was a reply to kitten (grumble mumble).
now if only that could be re-engineered into a five dollar donation to haiti.
Well this is just foul. In these situations, the community needs to just pitch in and help these kids out. I mean, they're going to suffer for awhile do to this guy's errors. I think the administration is going to have to do a lot of fielding here, you know. Take one for the team.
I was batting around, trying to find a way to fit a balls joke in there too, but that was too strenuous.
pervert coach
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Won't have to text for masturbation updates and evaluation in the slammer.