Friday, January 8th, 2010

So All That Crazy Stuff On The Dollar Bill Is Just, What, Decoration?

masons"We need to make Freemasonry more contemporary, to make it reflect 2010, not 1910-or 1810." That's Tom Sturgeon, newly installed Right Worshipful Grand Master for the Pennsylvania chapter of Freemasons, to the Times' Holly Brubach. And, since he's not talking about, say, marshaling a network of laser equipped satellites to work in connection with a fleet of telepathic dolphins to better secure control over an invisible matrix emanating from a golden pyramid hidden inside a mountain in Roswell, New Mexico, it's pretty disappointing. A Right Worshipful Grand Master opens his induction ceremony to the public, holds it in a convention center, and grants newspaper interviews about it? What kind of secret society is this guy running? No wonder everyone wants to believe Jay-Z is in a Satanic cult and the president is a Manchurian double agent for an Islamist sleeper cell. We need the mystery, the intrigue. Paranoia needs an outlet.

I've been let down in this regard before. A friend of mine from growing up was tapped to join a clandestine brotherhood with "Illuminatus" in the name that recruited members through his fraternity at college. He got a tattoo on his hip-a cool-looking numerological rune-and everything. I was very excited, demanding that he attend the gatherings and reveal to me the arcane rituals and secrets he learned: stuff about the Holy Grail, the shroud of Turin, who shot JFK, etc. He went to some dinners he had to dress up in a tie for, he said, where a bunch of stiff, stern blue-blood elders would look down on the younger dudes for drinking too much and not taking themselves seriously. "I think maybe some of those guys did actually think they were controlling the world," he said. "But I don't think they are." (This doesn't really prove anything, I guess. If you were controlling the world, or knew secrets about anything important at all, really, and you met my friend, or any of the guys in his fraternity, you wouldn't tell them anything either.)

Another friend had his wedding reception in a Masonic Lodge. His wife grew up in a small town. Folks were friendly, everyone knew everyone, the local chapter rented out their space. It was nice building. Like an old church, tall spire. The party was in the main hall downstairs. After a few drinks, a few of us snuck up into the high-ceilinged grand chamber to look around. It was all dark wood, with lots of purple velvet and thirteen super-tall-backed chairs with little flags at the top built into the perimeter. There was an iron chandelier hanging from the rafters and medieval pikes mounted on the walls. With a little imagination, you could see a bunch of guys in hooded cloaks drinking blood from a skull goblet in there. But it also looked like kinda like an old library. And the room was unlocked. So…

"Some Masons may regret losing the mystique," Brubach writes. "Though surely not as much as the conspiracy theorists…" I'll say. Come on, secret societies, let us have our fantasies. If you really are just a bunch of regular old joe-schmoes that meet every other month to drink beer and talk about sports in Davy Crockett hats, if the coolest secrets you have are about how to do a handshake, or what color collar indicates a higher rank, or that Brad Paisley is a member (Brad Paisley?) please, keep it to yourself.

Sigh. At least we have the Jews.

13 Comments / Post A Comment

HiredGoons (#603)

One of my friends went to Bohemian Grove this summer and ran into Clint Eastwood pissing on some redwoods.

I'm not sure what the symbolism means.

Dave Bry (#422)

Clint Eastwood is like 500 feet tall?

KarenUhOh (#19)

True as In God We Trust is my witness: A client of mine got Clint into the Bohemian Club.

HiredGoons (#603)

*secret handshake

petejayhawk (#1,249)

The fraternity thing was a total letdown, too. No world secrets, no satanic rituals, no unspeakable perversion (well, unless you count the one time with the freshman Sigma Kappa in the dining room). Turns out that college kids in Kansas aren't in on the New World Order – who knew?

zidaane (#373)

The Nights Templar just made a guy from Tinley Park Grand Master. Tinley Park!
I got your holy grail right here…,tinley-park-knights-templar-122809.article

Screen Name (#2,416)

Hello Shitlips,

I noticed you were bitching about the lack of conspiratorial secrecy I'm bringing to Free Masons as the newly-installed Right Worshipful Grand Master for Pennsylvania. Just so you know, "Illuminatus" is a term that goes back to the fucking 1810s and the fact that you've chose Free Masonry and some vague Yalie Skull & Crossbones wannabes as your favorite shows most of your knowledge comes from things you saw in a Bilderberg Group documentary. Bobby Fischer was a pathetic alcoholic that died in his own bile in a Reykjavik hospital bitching about how the Jews are controlling the world. Fischer wasn't a chess grandmaster he was in fact, a checker pusher and if you want to talk about actual conspiracy theories alone I've actually guzzled more virgin blood and eaten more eyeballs than that pathetic old racist the baby boomers brainwashed you into worshipping. I'm not sure how I got off on the Bobby Fischer tangent.

At any rate, you are a pathetic little turd who doesn't deserve to lick the dog shit off my boots let alone judge my Masonic Fez. I was bringing down global economies and putting up puppet presidents when you were still trying to figure out how to go potty. During your adult life, I brought a sad little Local Order of Odd Fellows society from Chicago (same hometown as Bobby or "petite Paun" as his doting mommy called him) and built it into a multi-national conglomerate with 1500 employees and offices in over 14 countries. Perhaps you've heard of it. It's called Goldman Sachs. I made millions of dollars and changed the demography of your favorite city and you blogged about a party where a college kid in some half-baked secret society got drunk.

Stick to what you know: Fuck all.

- Tom Sturgeon

gumplr (#66)

The Fame Monster

Dave Bry (#422)


rj77 (#210)

It's like one of those mash-ups the kids like so much these days.

David Icke: The Lost Footage

jetztinberlin (#392)

That Illuminatus! reference just made my week. RIP RAW!

queensissy (#1,783)

But the Gaga Illuminati Puppet thing is REAL, right?

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