Friday, January 29th, 2010

BTW, While You Were Being Selfish And Goal-Oriented Your Eggs Were Dying

You will never have one of these, you wizened croneLadies, I bring you some unfortunate news. I know all you want to do is birth that baby you think is going to complete you and make your life full of purpose, but the thing you need to know is that your ovaries are decaying even more rapidly than previously suspected. Are you 30 or over? Uh oh. A new study shows that most of your eggs are already gone, and the ones that are left aren't really that good. You will probably NEVER HAVE THAT BABY. There, there. No, shhh, I know. Chin up, sweetie, it's okay. I'm sure that career you've been busy building will more than compensate for the overwhelming feeling of emptiness and lack of meaning that failing to achieve the most important goal of womanhood usually results in. Maybe you should just shift your focus to trying to get married. I mean, sometimes that does still happen to a woman over 30, right? But you should probably buy lots of cosmetics for that extra edge, just in case.

53 Comments / Post A Comment

libmas (#231)

Oh, don't worry – it's just Science talking. The Wife has conceived and given birth three times since turning 30, and so far, the kids are all right.

LondonLee (#922)

My wife had ours at 37 and is expecting another at 40.

LondonLee (#922)

We are, however, both too knackered to play with them.

oudemia (#177)

I was born when my mother was 40. I'm mostly ok.

penelope_pitstop (#2,859)

I was at the tail end of 36 (38 now). And we're planning another. And yes, we're knackered. I did have a miscarraige recently and the dr told me that it was because I'm old. So, there's some truth in it, but it's not impossible.

DoctorDisaster (#1,970)

My mom was 35 when I was born and 38 when my sister was. But then, Mom would probably agree that I was a bad egg.

My wife had ours (twins! yes, it was science! go to the columbia repro center on B'way near 58th at 7:30 am and see all the ladies lining up for hormone tests!) at 38. We met a woman in our neighborhood who had twins at 49 and was raising them as a single mother.

rj77 (#210)

A kid? Christ. I'm just hoping afford to get a cat or two in the next few years. And if I get a place with a yard? Maybe a dog, too. Maybe.

My ovaries can't dry up quickly enough.

IBentMyWookie (#133)

My life's ambition is to be able to afford a doggie daycare service.

mathnet (#27)

I don't understand why the article refers to them as "ovarian eggs."

sigerson (#179)


Tuna Surprise (#573)

Yeah, well, your sperm ain't so hot either, buddy.

NicFit (#616)


johnpseudonym (#1,452)

Three cheers for Charlie Chaplin!

City_Dater (#2,500)

Thank Christ. I've been getting unecessary X-rays, like, four times a year to irriadiate the freaking things just in case.
*Sigh of relief*

HA! Looooove you.

Maevemealone (#968)

I guess I should just get a cat and buy 27 Dresses on DVD. I felt like crawling back into bed anyways, so this is fine.

oudemia (#177)

Don't forget the chocolate, Chocolate, CHOCOLATE!!!

rj77 (#210)



Tuna Surprise (#573)

I've got He's Just Not That Into You on Netflix and a few bottles of wine. All the single ladies are more than welcome to come over tonight and we can sync up our useless *sniff, sniff* cycles.

jolie (#16)

I'll bring the punch.

Maevemealone (#968)

But hey, we can afford the fancier booze with no kids needing our milk money.

Tuna Surprise (#573)

Oh, I forgot to mention. My apartment is in the Meatpacking district and there's nothing funner than getting good and drunk and throwing eggs at all the bachelorette parties swarming in and out of white limos. You think you're better than us because your getting married? Hmph. As a matter of fact, I like living by myself.

jolie (#16)

Oh Alex, I'm sure your ovaries are still spry!

Luckier (#857)

Thanks, Balk, for reminding me that my infertility is so hilarious.

lia (#1,344)


And per the picture…men are having the babies by themselves now!

Renate (#360)

Ah, yet another article dedicated to my withered eggs. I just figure that I can take some of my goal-oriented money and adopt one of those newly stylish and available Haitian babies. With the 2-3 years it takes to complete the deal the kid would be potty trained and pre-school ready when it got off the plane.

kfon (#3,209)

I don't see how they can time something like this to a certain, definitive age. Especially given the differences in women's bodies, when we start our periods (mine started at 11, a full 5 years before the average, so does that mean my eggs are depleted at 25 instead?), the fact that we all have different amounts of eggs, and that some of us release multiple eggs at once.

My paranoid side read this (the original, not Balk's) and wondered if this is some pro-procreation, Disneyfied, make-us-some-more-Christian-consumers type shit. It is ABC, after all.

Mindpowered (#948)

No Shit, eh?

Either that or we're be prepped for the next round of TLC's "I'm pregnant and I'm ….."


"The study published by the University of St. Andrews and Edinburgh University in Scotland"

Most people in Scotland don't even have any of their teeth by 30.

Mindpowered (#948)

"Never Believe a British Newspaper"

Or Scottish one for that matter.

Can't wait til those fuckers are gone for good!

kneetoe (#1,881)

I told you we don't need to use that condom, baby.

josh_speed (#97)

"Overwhelming feeling of emptiness and lack of meaning" <–I get this and I'm a guy!

garge (#736)

Nearly-expired eggs on sale! Free shipping on orders over $10k. Use coupon code NOTFATHERMATERIAL at checkout.

HiredGoons (#603)

Now I want a fucking omelet.

misterpearce (#3,159)

Well so long as you "old" ladies have nearly ruined your chance at making more poop machines. Why not join

Eh? Eh? But serioulsy, I think I heard a few over 30 female souls die a little more after this post.

HiredGoons (#603)

I think if you clap really hard they come back. Or is that just pixies?

Publius Cato (#3,222)

I thought it was if you get "the clap" really bad they come back . . .

cherrispryte (#444)

My mother had me at 28, my sister at 32. Based on the fact that my sister turned out much better than I did, I call bullshit on the "defective eggs over 30" line.

Also, will this save me money on birth control or not?

LotaLota (#1,703)

I get that feeling of emptiness sometimes. I compensate by eating another bratwurst.

Publius Cato (#3,222)

And by "eating another bratwurst" you mean "fellatio to a stranger"

Cool story sis!

RachelSklar (#3,232)

On behalf of my decaying ovaries, thanks for keeping me up to speed. Until then, I'll keep on going for those less important goals of womanhood. Onward!

atipofthehat (#797)

If you're over 15, there's an increased risk of Hugh Downs syndrome?

bong hitler (#3,233)

Luckily, there are plenty of Hatian orphans currently available for adoption.

meaghano (#3,200)

All the sincere, anecdotal evidence-oriented responses to this make me uncomfortable :(

Exene (#2,244)

My mom had me at age 38 and I was perfectly comfortable reading this.

Publius Cato (#3,222)

Congrats to the author for causing a bunch of materialistic SOBs to get butt-hurt. Seriously, with ever decision in life there are opportunity costs; I wager the respondents to this article were not those people but rather the ones who think having Guns and Butter is possible.

Brian Dias (#3,470)

This is just the common problem of stupid people interpreting science. Being 30 doesn't mean your can't give birth it just means you past the optimal time for giving birth.

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