Our Second-Favorite Parenting Columnist
This rundown of one j-school student's favorite newspapers points us to "one of the country's most non-sequitur parenting columns." It is called Daddy Needs A Drink, and it lives at the Santa Fe Reporter, and, indeed! Here is Rob Wilder on the matter of his very young son's surprising new hair choices:
London has been growing his locks long for many many moons. Hell, I've been growing mine too and even sported a Vandyke to give me that "rock me sexy Jesus" look, but dreads? On a white boy? Never saw it coming, I swear: My beautiful sonchild sporting a mullock (mullet + dreadlock) and morphing into a Boulder hippie, trying to score weed on a lonely street corner, all while wearing socks with leather flip-flops.
Did you get stuck at the beginning there, when you found out his son's name is London? Love it.
"Did you get stuck at the beginning there, when you found out his son's name is London?"
I DID!
ME TOO!
It could be worse, he could have called him Manchester.
Or Brisbane, especially if Jewish.
Brisbane would be the best Jewish superhero EVER.
Brisbanes are air hockey champions.
If by stuck you mean thinking, "Oh God, no, but then again he might've named him Prague, so," then yes, I got stuck.
I'm just glad to see it's not stupid rich-bitch heiresses who are named after European capitols.
YES. But it's not just vague d-bagness. a white boy named London WOULD have long hair. Just like Jennifers are nothing-wrong-with-them pretty and anyone named Tawny has brittle split ends and is maybe a skank. Not that I don't have a middle name for a first name.
Oh Mary, you're so contrary!
Yes, but Hella Kool would be a weirder first name. You made the right choice.
His daughter is named "Poppy." Poor girl will be blowing up federal buildings before her 20th birthday. Sad.
Man, speaking of explosions, what if my name were merry? Barf.
My middle name is Joy, and my first name means "cheerful". I hate everyone.
Indeed, Drinking Daddy has no one to blame but himself.
Hey, I want an 'art room'!
But not if I have to change my name to 'Lala.' Holy hell.
I freaked out when my son Bangalore started rocking the Pippy Longstocking look. What is it with the stupid names these days?
Yeah, but a Santa Fean peering down his nosering and seeing a "Boulder hippie" deploys some not-that-disingenuous turquoise-colored shades.
Strongly agree. Also, I doubt London ever has eaten macaroni & cheese.
Well, he had some goat cheese from the farmers' market over some gluten-free pasta…
Score weed on a street corner!!
My advice is to choose your battles. Don't let the small ones wear you down. Just wait…
In my head right now, I'm singing "Rock Me Sexy Jesus" to the tune of "Rock Me Amadeus" – and it sorta works.
WOW. yes, it does. and my entire dept thinks i just choked on a cough drop.
You know the original, yes?
When did the dad in Gossip Girl get his own column?
Also looks like Balloon-Boy-Dad.
West of the Pecos, and they all look like that.
"We're all models East of the Allegheny, Liz."
Years into the future, when his gay domestic partner Ivan, having grown sick of his dull narcissism, decides to leave him, he will snap and, peering menacingly at over the barrel of a 45, say to him, "When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life," and pull the trigger.
^^^^
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Fail. I was trying to point to your comment because I like it.
I join you in pointing!
ME TOO! POOOOOOINT!
Holy crap! My former boss (love you Mary HK Choi) and my favorite former high school Creative Writing teacher, Rob Wilder (love you Rob) in a collab!!! And Rob, you must have a talk with London about the dreads or he'll forever be 'the smelly kid' introduce him to manic panic or something.
Ha ha that column is just like that wine named "Mommy's Time Out!" So funny AND CLEVER.
I want to write an Awl column on parenting called Daddy Didn't Mean It. YES???!?!
si.
The solution: Jettison all these hip Dad columns/books and replace them with reprints of "Family Circus." Can I get a hell yeah? Cuz last time I checked the "Family Circus" didn't make me feel bad for eating meat or using Suave shampoo.
Hell yeah.