There is a creature alive today who has survived millions of years of evolution, without change, without passion and without logic. It lives to kill. A mindless eating machine. It will attack and devour anything. It is as if god created the devil and gave him... carp. I mean, I don't know if this is more like Jaws or Piranha or Deep Blue Sea. But it is pretty damn scary. CBS news reports that giant Asian carp-much like Benson, who was from England, but less heartwarming and dearly departed, and more giant and voracious and terrifying and, apparently, unstoppable-are on the verge of invading Lake Michigan and killing us all.

Oh yes. "The 40- to 80-pound leviathan consumes 40 percent of its weight every day and is now a short swim from Lake Michigan. It spawns three times a year and has no known predators."

Apparently, Asian carp eat the same plankton and algae that other Great Lakes fish like perch and salmon eat, but much, much more than them. And so a $7 billion fishing industry is shitting in its waders. They also jump out of the water, a lot, and hit people in boats, like that eagle ray that killed that lady in Florida last year. (In this video, a relentless carp jumps into a boat, is stabbed through with a knife and thrown overboard, then jumps-like twenty feet in the air, back into the boat! Blood everywhere!)

"Once they're here, there's no stopping them," said Joel Brammeier of the Alliance for the Great Lakes.

Imported from China to clear southern fish hatcheries of algae in the '70s, the demon spawn were swept into the Mississippi River by floods in the '90s. Now they're in the Illinois, and a shipping canal that connects to Lake Michigan. "We have positive results from environmental DNA [that the carp is] one mile from this location downstream," said Colonel Vincent Quarles of the Army Corps of Engineers. Quarles overseas a $10 million government program to stave off disaster with underwater electrical barriers in the canal. But all measures, including the planned temporary poisoning of the canal to kill the carp, seem hopeless. "The Asian carp's progress has been inexorable," writes CBS' Dean Reynolds. "And anything man has done to deter it has at most only delayed it."

Man. Nuclear annihilation. Meteor strike. Airborne toxic event. Sure. Even genetically engineered sharks. But carp? I never though that'd be how we'd go out.