A few years ago I made a fresh Twitter account and never used it. It follows nobody and has never Tweeted a link. I have not logged into it in at least two years. I receive at least one email about this account each day, sometimes more. The messages go to a folder I do not check. This is Twitter without people. That’s not quite right. This is Twitter without signals. This is Twitter without you. This is Twitter for Twitter’s Average Human. This is Twitter for… Twitter?

A selection of stories from the last few days:

President Bush Barbara Bush T. Romo J. Garrett J. Witten Sunday Afternoon Hoops: @ZagMBB vs. @Duke_MBB #MarchMadness pic.twitter.com/Vm1OmPycQh

— NFL (@nfl) March 29, 2015

55 million voters turned out in Nigeria’s elections; results expected in a few days. http://t.co/eiSmNeihrI pic.twitter.com/v8WoIZKBHW

— CNN Breaking News (@cnnbrk) March 30, 2015

Pound sign two thousand nine http://t.co/9s8dDe10tf

— Cameron (@wizkhalifa) March 30, 2015

baciami pic.twitter.com/vhmI9w8Gsf

— Ariana Grande (@ArianaGrande) March 29, 2015

“Any ring I step into is mine.” Ronda Rousey makes her presence felt at Wrestlemania 31. » http://t.co/TCic28X9QI

— SportsCenter (@SportsCenter) March 30, 2015

This is the most excited you’ve ever seen Coach K. WATCH: http://t.co/HASwYpNSR5 pic.twitter.com/vNRoFzyrHy

— ESPN (@espn) March 30, 2015

Happy #ThankYouNoteFriday! Tonight on the show: Will Forte (@OrvilleIv), @adRock, & @AnimalPlanet’s Jeremy Wade. #FallonTonight

— jimmy fallon (@jimmyfallon) March 27, 2015

Post-Sept. 11, cockpits are harder to invade, but easier to lock up http://t.co/lVrs7dR0NB pic.twitter.com/1Kx9j5c8C0

— The New York Times (@nytimes) March 27, 2015

Check this off your bucket list. http://t.co/1PRAd7UjfO pic.twitter.com/0Dr0V3czMH

— Barack Obama (@BarackObama) March 27, 2015

And some recommendations:

Send nothing into the universe, and this is what it will send back.

“The general election campaign is under way, after Parliament was officially dissolved. Journalists waiting outside 10 Downing Street on Monday morning spotted a fox, apparently chasing a duck.”

Wi-fi makes you sick and blogging can be fatal. It is almost as if God is trying to tell us all to stay away from the Internet. Will you heed His loving warning or will you deny His message of salvation and open one more worthless tab to satiate your base and primal urges? Damnation is but a click away.

“It would have been easier to pick someone really respected like Charlotte Gainsbourg … but this was more of a challenge, taking a band people were chucking bottles of piss at.”
 — My admiration for Max Tundra is such that, sure, I will give his career resuscitation attempt on confectionery pop act Daphne and Celeste a shot. And so should you. Anyway, enjoy. But do also read this for context.

by The Concessionist

The Concessionist gives advice each weekend (ish) about the sordid choices of real life. Trouble? Write today. This week! TWO related letters!

Dear Concessionist,

I didn’t have a terrible father who physically abused me or like, left never to be heard from again. He DID leave when I was 5 but then he was also my little league coach when I was 8. He was “in my life” but didn’t then/still doesn’t know who that many of my friends are. I had a super fucked up/resulting in years of trauma thing happen to me in a hospital when I was 16 that he didn’t even know about until I brought it up last year (I’m 28.) I’d honestly estimate that at least 90% of the time that he calls me it’s a pocket dial. He’s a lawyer. Being concise with words is important to him. I can’t just talk to him if something is going on with me. It needs to either be 1. Some problem he can come up with a quick solution to or 2. Some update on my life he can use to put me in a box to describe to himself or his friends. 3. Oh he likes to give me money sometimes which is cool. Like if I ever got into an emergency situation I could just charge a phat hospital bill/car mechanic bill to him. Which is awesome. But also he doesn’t love me so.

I kind of HATE HIM and feel ALL THIS ANGER. And I’m sure it affects my relationships with guys I date/would want to date in a ton of ways. One way is that I KNOW I don’t feel worthy of asking for attention or respect or love that I want because duh — my dad doesn’t give it to me. But I want to be confidant and love myself and get that from a great man, too. (Except I don’t even fucking know what a great man looks like or acts like???)

But also I wish me loved me. He doesn’t. Or I mean, he says he does and my mom says he does “as much as he can” and I believe that and know it’s true. But so my question is how do I reconcile all this with the fact that he DID coach my softball team and he DOES brag about my work successes on Facebook and like, he wasn’t the dick that easily fits into the “absent father” narrative we’re fed on TV and movies. How do I free myself from giving a shit about this man and what he thinks of me? (Do I even want that?) Help me PLEASE.

Sincerely,

Oh Dad’s Bad

Dear ODB,

I wish I had some glib answer to this. I mean “it gets better with time” is true… in part. But not 100%.

Obviously (sorry) I think you should be in therapy (sorry). But if that’s not gonna happen, at least start a fitness program run by a strong male type person. (NOT BIKRAM THOUGH. DEFINITELY NOT.) Work out your shit on him in a crazy fashion and get through it, alienating everyone along the way but making yourself better in the process.

You need to get into the pissed off and get done with it. Because I think you’re being pretty unfair, because you’re trapped in the mad part? Parents it turns out are like us. I would be THE WORST FATHER EVER. I mean I would probably be like your dad? I’d be like “she’s awesome I love her” and I’d tweet about you all the time and then maybe call you… once a year? And I’d give you a credit card but I’d ignore you. And you’d HATE ME. Even though I’m wonderful. Obviously.

And then, of course, we tend to blame one parent and let the other parent off scot-free. Which, we often later learn, isn’t actually quite right. The “blameless” parent suddenly gets their first taste of blame when we figure this out. Whenever I hear a child being angry that a parent “left,” I think that the narrative has been too tidied in that person’s head. (I don’t mean to detract from how careful you were to be nuanced in your letter! You were very cool. I like you.)

But those relationships our parents had? They were like our relationships! They were often a wreck! We should be happy that so many of our parents split up. There’s ZERO CHANCE I would have enjoyed the misery of their cohabitation. And emotionally relitigating their breakup is something the kids have to do, sure. It just has to end at some point.

I don’t know what you do next! I think you could have a primal scream session and be like ENOUGH OF THIS, FUCK IT. And move the FUCK ON. Or you could go deep. You could harass your dad into some deep conversations, etc. That’s fine too! You could go do some unhealthy dudes. That’s…. well that’s sometimes fine, but sometimes really not? I do think that you need to just go ahead and date and reject a bunch of normal to mediocre guys. Like I think you have to randomly start breaking some eggs and one day you’ll perk up and be like “oh I’d eat THESE eggs.”

I always wonder too how much it would help to learn more about his parents.

I guess I’m saying: you gotta get down and dirty in it to get through it. And you’re sick of being trapped, and that’s great. So let’s punch on through?

Boring news though: This will all mostly end with you saying “Ah, dad. He tried! Good for him.” Which is fine! Our parents went through a NIGHTMARE to raise us. Like even when my father was like “if you call your mom, you have to hang up after three rings or the phone company charges us and we can’t afford that,” well, that was just him trying to keep his household together in his way. Keeping an eye on that helps. THEY TRIED. They were not prepared. We’re all lucky we have more than two fingers and at least one eye. I mean, those of us who do, of course.

Dearest Concessionist,

I dearly hope you can help me. I have a very #firstworldproblem. My parents are both brilliant, amazing people and they have been nothing less than supportive. They love me deeply and I love them. I am so grateful to have them.

But… I don’t especially enjoy spending time with them or calling them. I know, I know! I should be grateful that I have loving, supportive, brilliant parents who are willing to see me through every challenge life throws at me! I know so many people who have shitty relationships with their parents and don’t want to talk to them!

And I KNOW my parents won’t be around forever, and I will miss them when they are gone!! I actually CRY sometimes when I think about my mom or dad dying.

But. Every time I have a conversation with my parents, I feel tense, anxious, and/or bored. We don’t share a whole lot of interests, for one thing. A lot of their hobbies are utterly boring to me. My parents worked in a totally different world and so they are clueless about how to help with my professional stress — and like any good millennial, professional stress is 120% of my life!!

And I constantly feel stressed when I talk to them. Like my mom is always worried about money and I don’t know how to reassure her, because I certainly don’t make enough money to help. And my dad just called me and literally the first thing he asked was “How are things going with your evil landlord who’s plotting to evict you because of your rent control?” Like, PLEASE Dad, I spent the entire morning NOT THINKING ABOUT THAT, and now I’m thinking about it again — but there is still NO NEWS — and so now I’m a horrible snarl of tension. I know he is trying to show that he cares about my life, but he always pokes my wounds.

I really want to be able to talk to my parents. My mom will even complain, “I’m so sad that we don’t seem to have much to talk about!” — and then I want to cry and say “I’m sorry!!” Am I a failure because I haven’t come up with some sort of clever hobby that we can all share? (But I don’t have time for a hobby!) Am I a failure because I feel crazy if I stay in a house with them for longer than 2 days, maximum?

(Also, I want kids, and somehow that makes me feel extra bad that I don’t want to call my parents?? Like, how am I going to feel when MY kids don’t want to call ME?)

What can I do about this? I want to be a good child. I want to support them. I LOVE THEM!! I REALLY DO! How can I show it?

Sincerely,

No I Swear I Love My Parents I Do I Do

Dear NISILMPIDID,

I read your letter a lot and it occurs to me you are protesting a lot too much.

Some of us (ahem) are less comfortable with anger or hatred or resentment or whatever. It’s even more complicated when it’s embedded with love. HOW could you be angry at someone you love??? NOT POSSIBLE. So look at you! You love your parents and feel literally no other feelings towards them at all.

NOPE.

And even if that’s not fully or substantially true… why wouldn’t it be the case that your parents drive you around the fucking bend sometimes? They know you really well, you’ve been talking to them forever — who would be MORE annoying than that? (Oh man, wait till you find out about MARRIAGE.)

Here is what people have told me about dealing with parents. Call them the same time every week. Pick a time, put an alert in your phone, and RING ’EM UP. Bite the bullet if it feels like a chore somehow. Grill them senseless. Ask them questions until you feel like you’re a hard-bitten detective. Make up things to talk about if you have to. Take it to random news stories if you must! It gets easier and more comfortable.

But I worry about people like you. You’ve been a “good kid” all your life, it sounds like. Haven’t you ever had a wee little psychotic break and thrown something across the room? Haven’t you ever yelled at your parents? You sound TIGHTLY WOUND. I prescribe a summer of Not Being So Responsible All The Time for you. It’s time to let your hair down or perhaps even shave it off.

Also don’t worry about your own kids by then we’ll all have implants or be living in caves, it really doesn’t matter. There’s no way to prepare for parenting on The Road. PS have you read Station Eleven? I am reading it right now because of this thing Nicole Cliffe wrote and honestly LIVE NOW, the end is nearly always near, you know? What I’m saying here is: if you need to take six months off from your parents, or if you need to yell at them, or if you need to like go live in Mexico City, IT’S OKAY. I give you permission. Let’s do it, the end is more or less nigh in one way or another.

Adorable dad ’n’ daughter photo taken by Kamyar Adl in Iran. The Concessionist is an adult human in New York City who is somewhat worn down and willing to make a good number of sacrifices for a peaceful life. Is it decision fatigue? Or just ennui? That’s probably a question for a psychiatrist. Anything else, ask me. I agree to keep your identity between us.

Previously:

• My Ladyfriend Hates My Lady Friend

• I Hate Myself Because I Don’t Work For BuzzFeed

• In Praise of Getting Back Together with the Dude who Dumped You

• How to Make Your Girlfriend Like You (Again)

• How Do I Live Through Getting Screwed At Work?

• Help My Friend Is A Snob!

• How To Share Feelings With Other Human Beings

★★★★ In the sleepy cloudshade of morning, a teen on the bench pinched a rolling paper in his fingers, surrounded by other teens. The tag came off the waterproof jacket that had been waiting in the closet since Christmas. A light and harmless drizzle started falling. Walking was still pleasant; the smell of cart food rode the damp air. A real, demoralizing darkness settled over the early afternoon. Suddenly it lifted, and there was sun on the fire escape, warm sun, and the sky opening out into blue and white, even though the Empire State Building was vanishing in drifting yellow-gray smoke, and Lower Manhattan was still veiled in humidity or lingering rain. The interlude was over by rush hour. The rat down in the uptown B/D track bed was so fat it needed an extra moment to squeeze under the rail. It crossed to the downtown side and mounted or assailed another rat — or vice versa, the rats being equally sleek — till one tossed the other away with a sharp lurch and chirp. Up by 72nd Street golden light broke through again, and the mildness was gladdening. An agitated man yelled at passersby. Clouds blew along either side of a moon cut neatly scant of half, the mare matching the bright blue of the sky. The children and other children scattered from the apartment building, scooter borne, to seize the chance.

by Awl Sponsors

Brought to you by Finlandia

Water is a part of our lives in many ways that we often don’t think about. Without pure water we would not have playgrounds for surfing, wakeboarding, or snowboarding. These activities rely on clean water sources now, and for future generations.

The relationship with water runs deep with Finlandia vodka. To support pure water projects, Finlandia is donating 1% of its U.S. sales to environmental organizations that support pure water initiatives, including the Oyster Recovery Partnership, Protect Our Winters, Coastal Conservation Association, Virginia Oyster Shell Recycling Program, and New York/New Jersey Baykeepers.

To support pure water efforts, you can give back to that perfect wave you surfed over the weekend, you can donate to that epic powder day last month, and you can help save that sunset kayak. Grab your smartphone and a Finlandia cocktail, then post a pic of you raising a glass with the tag #4PureWater on Instagram or Twitter. For your help spreading the pure water message Finlandia will donate a dollar to one of our pure water initiatives up to $10,000. It only takes a minute to post your pic and help protect the water that you look forward to playing in all season long.

Check out the video above and get behind the pure water that gives us all so much. Learn more about Finlandia #4PureWater here.

Live Magnificently. Drink Responsibly.

Alc./Vol. and Finlandia Flavored Vodkas 37.5% Alc./Vol. Imported by Brown-Forman Beverages, Louisville, KY. FINLANDIA and FINLANDIA VODKA ™ & ©2015 Brown-Forman Finland. All rights reserved.

“We loved this show. My husband said he enjoyed the ‘wipes’ segment more than all the politics. He never watches MSNBC with me, but he got interested in this one.”

Silicon Valley’s most successful men — and it is exclusively men here! — are finding new ways to contort themselves in the glow of their own wealth, at the racetrack:

Stan Chudnovsky, the head of product management on Facebook’s messaging app, pointed to another way that racing could be cheap: Renting a fast car for a day on the racetrack can sate one’s desire to buy one for the garage. “You don’t want to be the guy who actually buys a Ferrari, and then everyone is looking at you like, ‘I can’t believe you did that,’ ” Mr. Chudnovsky said. “At the same time, you don’t want to not know what it is to drive one. It gives you the ability to experience the best that cars can offer without actually owning all those cars.”

Photo by Andrew Hobbs

“According to Topsy, Periscope has caught up to Meerkat on Twitter in just 24 hours. Yesterday, there were 23,693 tweets linking to Periscope URLs and just 24,029 linking to Meerkat livestream URLs. The day before, Topsy recorded 28,631 Meerkat livestreem URLs on Twitter.”