Some jerk in Minnesota managed to strengthen Sarah Palin’s conviction that there is a lycopersican-based conspiracy against her when he tossed a couple of tomatoes at the former Alaska governor at a mall book-signing. He missed. After the incident, Palin headed to a private GOP fundraiser which was also attended by fellow GOP crazy Rep. Michele Bachmann. No word on what the two discussed, but I’m betting it had something to do with the fact that the President is a Muslim foreigner who hates Christmas.

Highly indictable former New York State Senate Majority Leader Joe Bruno was found guilty on two counts in his corruption trial yesterday. Bruno, who went six-for-eight on the charges, faces up to 20 years in prison and $250,000 in fines for each of the felony counts upon he was convicted, but it is unlikely that he’ll see anything near that much time and he has a better than average chance of a successful appeal, as the Supreme Court is currently reviewing the statutes under which he was charged. Albany analysts suggest that Bruno’s conviction increases the likelihood that “the Legislature will pass an ethics-reform measure forcing lawmakers to disclose how much they’re being paid in outside income — and by whom,” which, you know, the New York State legislature. Good luck with that.

I mean, just look at him. Why WOULDN’T you eat whatever was in this little mogwai’s belly? You know it’s going to be amazing. And sweet! And just this once devoid of petrified baby fish complete with tiny skeletons and the beady eyeballs that you run the risk of meeting when you cop an Asian Bag o’ Snack that you’re unfamiliar with.

Thing is, Tohato’s OLD SCHOOL. The packaging’s been recently Japanthropomorphized but the logo and product’s remained unchanged for decades. And the flavor profile’s totally non-threatening. It’s a Hi-Chew-level of challenging-the next level from being up on Pocky and Yan Yan. It’s some Toblerone shit.

But just as Starburst is a pat, unimaginative, broad-stroke “fruit” experience if you’ve sampled the brightly masterful pastiche of top notes on a Hi-Chew, Tohato Caramel corn (available in O.G caramel, peanut, almond, and varying limited-edition milkshake flavors) straight MURDERS any domestic product in the non-popcorn, extruded, maize-based, sweet snackfood lane. A lane that at last lazy-ass cursory perusal ONLY included Pirate’s Booty: Caramel.

PBC is aiiiiiiiight but for sure, veggie is punishment flavor, and the newer Sea Salt and Vinegar and Bermuda Onion offerings only spike hopes high enough to incite ANGER and white cheddar is palatable only because of the generousness of the desiccated cheesepowder coverage. At the end of the day, the stuff is all DIETFOOD and unmistakably related to those edible, starch-based packing peanuts: joyless. You should basically go eat a clementine.

If PBC is a chubby grub that curls tightly into a quarter-sized coil with a brittle caramel exoskeleton that shatters like crème brulee lid and digs into your molars to build up like stalagmites, Tohato’s Caramel Corn is a newborn’s pinky. It’s EXACTLY the dimensions of bootleg shrimp you get in weird, mayo-based Euro airline salads or them tiny joints IKEA sells you on that one shrimp sandwich thing that is gross. The candied shell is much lighter here and cracks one million times at first breach and mixes in perfectly with innards rendered custardy by salivary amylase because this caramel has the magic ingredient of a GANG of esters, like eleven types of lipids, and a bajillion emulsifying somethings and most definitely transfat. And it has the added piquancy of being produced on equipment that TOTALLY processes tree nuts. Like, HEAVY.

The almond flavor (my favorite) is like coconut, toastiness, butter, caramel, SALT, eggycornyfluff and tastes more like the SMELL of NYC street vendors’ “nuts for nuts” than the nuts themselves. They are available for A LOT OF MONEY at $2.49/2.82 oz. bag at H Marts nationwide. AND if you go here, you can download super mega HELLA cute Tohato Caramel Corn distraction wallpaper which is really where all these Japanese snack companies lay waste to earnest-ass American web sites, where the branding makes you feel guilty about feeding garbage to your children while 100% slinging non-food.

“The action in Jesus Lizard songs is in the contrast between the tight, regular grid that the three players create and the way Yow jumps all over it. As a singer, he’s not much interested in melody; rather, he acts like a storyteller who has just arrived, out of breath and perhaps drunk, with the need to tell us something unsettling. Over the course of six studio albums and three EPs, Yow screamed, moaned, spat, hollered, and barked-it’s hard to find anything on them as pedestrian as singing. The lyrics are unwholesome.”

Goldman Sachs commissioned a Julie Mehretu and a Franz Ackermann for the new HQ, and apparently everyone is baffled by them. “It’s loud and cartoonish, and as they walk in, employees can’t help scowling at it,” wrote Clusterstock of the Ackermann. And: “Nobody thinks this one is any good either,” writes Clusterstock of the Mehretu, claiming they “wasted” money on it. You guys! Well, one, I dispute this idea that “everyone” at GS hates these, because finance people love blue chip status and these deliver. Obviously. Hardcore. Two, you might want to check on some recent sales of Mehretu and their, oh, massive insane valuation upticks before you claim that money “wasted”! Let’s see: solid purchases that will age well and are a much safer place to put your money than the market? Oh yes, hello.

It’s a good question…

…but judging by the AP’s current top stories, I think they’re way ahead of you.

There’s further footage from that amazing 1998 Neutral Milk Hotel concert we were lucky enough to get a back-in-time glimpse of last week through Youtube. Pitchfork has three more songs: “Oh Comely,” “The King of Carrot Flowers” and “The Fool.” Neutral Milk Hotel. Has there ever been a greater band with a lamer name?

I am still trying to fully comprehend the ideas within this article about the possible evolutionary reasons for same-sex coupling in the animal kingdom-there’s a lot of information and theory there, and I am feeling slightly foggy today-but thank God there’s an accompanying gallery of “Nature’s homosexual pin-ups” to keep me entertained in the meantime!

Even Nikki Finke is a neo-Marxist Keynesian hybrid up in her economic thinkings! “According to BoxOffice.com, 2009’s domestic cume has already topped 2008’s record haul of $9.626 million from January 1 to December 31, 2008,” she writes today, asking: “So Why Is Most Of Hollywood Out Of Work?” You know why, girlfriend! All over America, it’s easy to figure out this year that you can pay one person to do the work of two or three. Even best boys.

Not a lot to add here but “oww,” so I’ll leave it at that.