An animal trainer performing at a “Dinner Zircus” at Hamburg’s Hagenbeck Zoo was mauled by three tigers last night. Der Speigel reports: “Around 150 guests had just started their four-course meal when the 28-year-old Christian Walliser stumbled and lost control of five Bengali tigers. Three of the animals then jumped on their trainer. The big cats bit into his head and upper body, and he lost part of his left hand. Some of the circus team managed to push the animals into a corner using water jets and fire extinguishers, and then got them back in their cage within seconds.” Zoo director Stephen Pagels said that the tigers only wanted to “play” but that, “Unfortunately the thin skin of people is not suited to these kinds of playful attacks.” Quite so. Walliser is currently hospitalized in critical condition. Two audience members were treated on the scene for shock. Dinner circus just sounds like a bad idea.

How are they celebrating Christmas over on Knifecrime Island? With a dose of gritty realism: “Humbug teachers at a primary school have come under fire for re-writing this year’s Christmas pantomime of Hansel and Gretel — to make them hooded yobs. The fairytale characters have been re-cast as violent thugs who terrorise their neighbourhood and bully people as they hunt for the gingerbread house. And instead of a wicked witch owning the gingerbread house, it belongs to a defenceless elderly woman who is devastated when she finds her home wrecked by the evil pair.” Do click through for the pictures, they just… say so much.

Look, I like some expensive products. It’s because I have extraordinarily good taste! Mmm, do I ever. But the Christmas wish list stories everywhere are driving me crazy, because the stuff on them is pricey garbage. Here’s a contribution from W Accessories Director Brooke Magnaghi!

A new poll shows that 44% of voters would rather have George W. Bush as president than Barack Obama. Because remember how great was? We had so much fun!

Can loneliness give you cancer? Let’s screw with some rats and see! “[S]cientists separated their test rats at birth, keeping them either in groups of five or alone. Those kept alone had a 135% increase in the number of mammary tumours, a 8,391% increase in the size of tumours and a 3.3-fold increase in the relative risk of malignancy… They also showed higher levels of the hormone corticosterone, which is connected to stress.” Says the lead researcher, “The effects are equal to or greater than the effects of cigarette smoking-that includes a significantly shortened life span.” GREAT. Maybe it’s time for you to stop searching for that perfect person and just settle on whoever’s around.

Beyond the drama of the big numbers, here’s a helpful explanation of what happened to the W Union Square Hotel, which had a fun and dramatic foreclosure auction yesterday. (Union Square! Such carnage, all around!) “Basically, Dubai World (or its investment arm, Istithmar) paid $282 million in total for the hotel, and took out a $115 million mortgage. Istithmar put down $50 million of its own money, and borrowed the rest in what’s known as a ‘mezzanine’ transaction: $117 million of high-yielding debt which isn’t secured against the property…. Lots of people are extremely worried about commercial real estate at the moment, saying that it’s the next shoe to drop. But a $240 million valuation still works out at almost $800,000 per room, which is still a lot of money for a hotel which no one likes very much.” Amen to that.

Due to the precipitation, the wireless here at the Awl offices is maddeningly inconsistent, and we’re both too poor to go to a bar or cafe where we might find more reliable access. How will this day play out? Stay tuned!

Sad news from the world of sports: “Tim ‘Barrel Man’ McKernan, an avid Broncos fan who was known for wearing a barrel, cowboy hat, cowboy boots and not much else, died in his sleep this morning of lung failure. He was 69.” For ‘this morning’ read ‘last week,’ but it’s still kind of timely: Pretty soon, when we’re all living in barrels, Tim McKernan will be seen as a trailblazer.

What’s the Right Talking About Today? “THE JEWS ARE LESS THAN 3% OF THE POPULATION IN AMERICA BUT YET HAVE ALL THESE PEOPLE IN POLITICAL POWER”

A fresh missive from our crazed right-wing emailer, Tony Caputo! (Cc: “Ann Coulter, Esquire”!) Today’s topic: all those Jews down in Washington! For instance, this email asks, “ARE THE JEWISH KIDS GOING TO DENTAL, LAW AND MEDICAL SCHOOLS WHILE THE CHRISTIANS FIGHT THEIR WAR? WILL THE LIBERAL PRESS ALLOW THIS QUESTION? WILL THE ACLU, NOT LIKE THESE QUESTIONS?” There is also a long list of Jews in power, and Jews who have won Nobel prizes. You know who else made lists of Jews? That’s right: Adrienne Rich.

Just kidding, I totally meant Hitler!

“In the past three years, the government has provided the nation’s schools with millions of pounds of beef and chicken that wouldn’t meet the quality or safety standards of many fast-food restaurants, from Jack in the Box and other burger places to chicken chains such as KFC, a USA TODAY investigation found…. USDA-purchased meat is donated to almost every school district in the country and served to 31 million students a day, 62% of whom qualify for free or reduced-price meals. President Obama noted earlier this year that, for many children, school lunches are ‘their most nutritious meal — sometimes their only meal — of the day.’”