New Jersey’s State Senate votes on gay marriage tomorrow, and, despite the support of Garden State God Bruce Springsteen, the bill seems unlikeley to pass. If that’s the case, it will be a dispiriting end to what has been a terrible year for supporters of marriage equality. Ben Smith reports that opponents are suggesting that the string of defeats undermines the idea that gay marriage is inevitable, but it does not: It just pushes everything back a decade or two. Sorry, gays! Come back and see us when all the old people die. At that point you’ll be the only ones getting married anyway.

The Aspic Tines is the answer to: “What if you took Hercules and Love Affair and made it gayer, and made it happen in Leipzig, as an homage to Klaus Nomi, RIP?” Here is a hilarious interview with its creator, Marc Ruvolo, and here is the outfit’s MySpace. BEEP BEEP BEEP BLOOP.

Oh, why not: Some kid in Boise got his tongue stuck to a frozen flagpole. It is cold and raining and dull in New York this morning, so I’m a pretty easy mark, but I found this oddly charming for whatever reason.

Portrait of a changing America: “As the beer can nears its 75th birthday in January, many hobbyists are crying in their brew over their inability to lure young people to a pastime that hooked many of them when they were youngsters in the 1970s. ‘We’d ride bikes to each other’s houses and start trading cans,’ says Dan Baker, 47, an Illinois collector who started when he was 10. ‘That’s what all the kids did back then.’”

There’s something kind of sad about this article. I was thinking about ships in a bottle the other day: Do people still make those? I wonder what we’re losing in this new era where you’re never bored enough that building model airplanes or trading baseball cards or even biking for bagels seems like an exciting diversion. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I would never in a million years do any of those things, but there was always something comforting about the fact that someone did. Ah, well, maybe they’ll come up with with a beer-can-collecting app.

“I feel sorry I’m not Jewish sometimes.”
-Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) discusses “Eight Days of Hanukkah,” his first foray into Hebraic balladry. “Anything I can do for the Jewish people, I will do. Mormons believe the Jewish people are the chosen people, just like the Old Testament says.” You’ll want to stick around for the part where he seductively unbuttons his shirt and whips out his mezuzah. There’s plenty more here.

With so many of us facing financial difficulties during These Troubled Times, “more consumers are turning to processed foods, either prepared, frozen or canned and often filled with fat-generating calories, refined grains and sugars. Experts said that’s making more Americans chubbier and prone to obesity-related illnesses such as diabetes in what has been dubbed ‘recession fat.’” The obesity rate rose by a full percentage point over the last year, which is, of course, Barack Obama’s fault. When we voted for change, we didn’t vote for a change in our waistlines, am I right, people? As for the 25% of people who were already obese before the recession, I guess we can just call that “boom blubber.” [Via]

You know what? I’m not going to link to it. They shouldn’t be rewarded with the clicks, which is pretty much what this is about, I figure. So here’s the email we just got from the Washington Post, announcing tomorrow’s piece of Palinography:

Sarah Palin WashPost Op-Ed: Obama Should Boycott Copenhagen

SARAH PALIN WRITES OP-ED FOR WASHINGTON POST and writes that without trustworthy science and with so much at stake, Americans should be wary about what comes out of the politicized climate change conference. The president should boycott Copenhagen.

Jennifer Lee
Manager, Communications
The Washington Post

Winning Hands
I haven’t worn playful nail polish since I was an adolescent, but the painted nails in “Power Points” [September] were so stylish, they made me reconsider my go-to French manicure. Your article showed me that my nails are another accessory I can have fun with.
Stephanie B., Overland Park, Kan. (InStyle, November 2009)

Why do we have ten fingers? That seems like a lot-personally I think I’d rather just have one. I’d want it to be made out of all the other fingers, though, so what I’d do is cut them all off and sew them together end to end, and then reattach the whole thing back onto my hand. And you could get rid of my other arm too, so I’d just have one arm with one really long finger at the end. Wouldn’t that be stylish?
Tracy J., Long Beach

Before and After
As a teenager I always wore baggy clothes-I was considered a tomboy. Once I started reading InStyle, I was finally able to put together my current classy look. Not only do you show great fashion and beauty ideas, but you tell the reader how to get them for herself. That’s why I love this magazine.
Garima S., via instyle.com (InStyle, November 2009)

As a teenager I used to put a toilet paper roll in my underwear and tell people I had a dick. I don’t do it as much anymore, but sometimes I still do it.

Charlotte T., Kansas City

What Generation Gap?
I may be considered “old” by some (I just turned 47), but women of all ages love InStyle. The proof? I keep several issues on my coffee table and often find my daughter and granddaughters flipping through them. I continually go back to my past issues to find accessories, beauty products, and style tips. Don’t change a thing. I love you just the way you are!
Linda F., via instyle.com (InStyle, November 2009)

Do you ever wish you went to the bathroom and instead of pee a bunch of dust came out because you were dead and your body had already decomposed? Or do you ever wish you were a hundred pounds skinnier because you had died and been cremated? Or do you ever wish you went to the doctor and he was like, “The test came back empty because you were never alive in the first place”? N-E way, just wondering.
Amanda N., Columbus, OH

Obama Overload
I am so past the saturation point with the Obama family, I can’t even see straight. In the five years I have been receiving your magazine, I cannot remember a similar adulatory article that fawned over Laura Bush’s style.
Jane P., via InStyle.com (InStyle, December 2009)

OK, one last question: Do you ever wish you woke up in a grave and had bugs for eyes and worms for hands? OK, and this really is the last one, I swear, but do you ever wish that instead of getting dressed in the morning you could just roll out of bed and clatter to the floor in a pile of bones?
Amanda N., Columbus OH

Best of the Best
How irresponsible of you to show model Carmen Kass separating her eyelashes with, of all things, a safety pin [“Best of Beauty,” October]. Let’s hope none of your readers display such a, so to speak, glaring lack of common sense.
Kathe R., Las Vegas (Allure, December 2009)

Thanks for all the awesome tips! I particularly enjoyed the tip about poking my eyes out with a safety pin. At first I was like “Maybe I shouldn’t,” but then I did, and it’s definitely given me a new perspective. As in, no perspective, because now I am blind. Kudos!
Marcie T., Mobile, AL

The Techno Gap
I applaud Katie Drummond [“The Facebooking Mother-in-Law,” October 2009] for exposing the secret hostility I feel. Let’s face it: No one wants her technological kingdom taken over by nosy parents. We don’t want to have to censor our language or delete pictures of blackout moments. Give us back our Facebook!
Kara J., San Diego, CA (Marie Claire, December 2009)

I only have two Facebook friends-my mom and my dad. I didn’t even know you could have more! This is amazing! So what do you do, look up names you’ve heard of, or do you think up imaginary names and see if they’re real? Actually nevermind, I bet you do it both ways. Oh man, I can’t wait to start hunting these other people down on Facebook and killing them! Wait, I mean, like, finding them and looking up their house and going over and killing them-ugh, sorry, I mean, like, getting in touch with them and becoming friendly and then meeting up with them and just literally murdering them. Whoops, I better cut this short, I guess.
Abby L., Yuma, AZ

Previously: Letters to the Editors of Women’s Magazines

Edith Zimmerman is a writer and editor living in Brooklyn.

Having a hard time finding the perfect gift for that person of color on your holiday shopping list? It’s understandable: They are so exotic and different! Fret no more: The Times is here to help! I’d suggest the M2M damoreJon Nail Polish, but really, you can’t go wrong with any of these choices!

eBay, always so handy: “I’m an unmarried heterosexual woman, and since I probably won’t be using my right to get married, I would like to give it away.”