That, certainly, is what my day is like.

“May our tongues be gentle, our e-mails be simple and our websites be accessible,” said some media-savvy English churchman during a blessing of smartphones and laptops. I guess that’s the kind of prayer I can get behind, except for the BlackBerries, because the suffering endured by their users provides way too much joy.

I have been lured into multiple Atom Egoyan movies and I have always left them enraged, disappointed or confused. Sometimes very sleepy. And then every time a new one comes along, I am foaming. They all trailer-up really well! In this newest, Chloe, we have Julianne Moore at her Julianne Mooreiest, which, DONE AND DONE. And then Mamma Mia! girl suddenly becoming a sex kitten and ripping off her togs. And Liam Neeson getting it on with everyone. I am going to see the holy hell out of this movie… until the last 20 minutes, when I’m very sad again, I imagine.

It’s been quiet for a bit, but it has now roused itself from its slumbers and it is pissed. That’s right, the Sun is back, baby, and it is going to fuck your shit UP.

“Who is Ford’s spokesman? Why, it’s Davidson Goldin! Goldin, formerly of NY1 and MSNBC, recently started a ‘media-strategy and branding firm’ with Joe Dolce. Yep, Joe Dolce! Goldin also represents James Frey!”
-Alex Pareene, explaining how deep the Harold Ford mess is. This is going to be the worst thing ever. Until his memoir comes out! Then it’ll be awesome.

“The marginal returns in terms of increased security from most new measures to check travelers eight years after 9/11 are likely to be less than their costs in terms of inconvenience, privacy and the fears of innocent Muslims.”
-Former deputy attorney general Philip Heymann on enhanced screening procedures. This is so sensible and correct that it will almost certainly make no difference.

Here’s the new thing from True Panther Sounds, the San Francisco label that brought us one of last year’s fun new things, Girls, and their terrific album Album. The newer new thing is Rainbow Bridge, a “multi generational A B Original duo.”

That is according to their MySpace page, and they are comprised of: “1: virgo/libra metal rooster blue solar night, guitar & vocals etc…” and “2: saggitarius wood rat yellow crystal warrior, drums, keyboard, background vocs…” (One of those could be a good name for the new Wu-Tang spin-off group, come to think of it.)

Further research reveals that they are from Olympia, Washington and that “1” is a person named Adam Croce and “2” is Bridget O’Brien Smith.

Anyway, their first single, “Big Wave Rider,” sounds homemade and terrific and joyful and and a little fried. Like maybe they got to much sun at the beach. Sitting in cold New York City in January, I want crawl inside this video. The name Rainbow Bridge, too, is pretty excellent. So many reference points

Are Adam and Bridget architecture enthusiasts, inspired by either the Rainbow Bridge that connects Canada to America at Niagara Falls?
Or the more recently built Rainbow Bridge crossing the Tokyo Bay-so beautifully lit red, white and green every night using solar power collected in the day?

Or did they name themselves after the wondrous Rainbow Bridge geologic formation in Utah? 290 feet tall, spanning 275 feet over a tributary of the Colorado River, it is a national monument and the largest “natural bridge” on earth.

Did they recently lose a pet perhaps, and find solace in famous words of M.A. Preston?

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together….

Most likely, being rockers who sound a little fried, Adam and Bridget take their name from the legendary concert Jimi Hendrix played for the Hawaiian planetary meditation cult called Rainbow Bridge. Taking place July 30, 1970, filmed for a movie, Rainbow Bridge, the concert was one of Hendrix’ very last. He died two months later in London.

The Morning News’ sixth annual Tournament of Books begins in March. Here’s the shortlist of titles and the roster of judges, one of whom was obviously chosen for his appeal with the white overeducated twee market. And yes, I’m talking about Andrew W.K.

by Incredible Hulk

From time to time, The Awl offers its space to normal, everyday people with a perspective on national issues. Today, we’re pleased to bring you this report by the Incredible Hulk, who offers a counterpoint to our recent declaration that we “don’t care about Jay Leno.”

Hulk have to humbly disagree with editors of this site-one of Hulk’s best new blogs of year!-on subject of NBC’s Jay Leno/Conan O’Brien dispute

: Hulk thinks is TOTALLY FASCINATING story and cannot get through thick green skull how anyone else not be as interested.

Think about it: When was last time you get to see major entertainment corporation make such a public and embarrassing mess of things? It almost like Jeff Zucker say, “Me take one of greatest franchises in television history and SMASH!” How Jeff Zucker still working, by way? If it you or me run NBC into ground they fire us LONG TIME AGO. Maybe back when we greenlight “Hidden Hills.” For sure after confused mess that was “Joey.” Hulk HATE “Joey” worse than tanks and angry generals try to shoot Hulk everywhere he go.

Hulk so intrigued by how strands in big mess will play out! Will Conan take giant red head and go to Fox? If Jay come back at 11:30 are old people who used to watch him still alive? Is David Letterman luckiest man in show business? (Apart from Jeff Zucker, who somehow still employed.) Now that all contenders are mixing it up in monologues, the real winner is us, the late-night viewer! So much funny and angry. Like time Hulk fight Killer Clown!

Look, Hulk know deep in heart that interest is subjective and that what some people find appealing not as compelling to others, but Hulk see so many angles to this story that reflect on way we live now-celebrity turmoil, institutional hubris, a secular decline in viewing patterns, inexplicable ability of Jeff Zucker to keep job, etc.-that Hulk want to sit back and let it all sink in. Hulk think Hulk make point, so Hulk step away and let you resume your regular Awl reading. Hulk thank you for your attention.

The Incredible Hulk’s Understanding Gethsemane: Keir Hardie and the Independent Labour Party, 1893–1900, will be published this fall by Harper Studio.

Remember how we told you, with great excitement, that Death Bear would be touring Brooklyn over the weekend? (Death Bear is a conceptual art project (OKAY) in which a fellow named Nate Hill dresses up as a big scary bear, comes to your house, and takes away objects that cause you pain or anxiety.) Apparently this did not end well. (Surprise?) Or it ended too well, when Death Bear ended up at the home of his own ex-lover. And was unable to take away her pain.

Near the end of a day visiting ten or so homes as the character I created Death Bear, (dressed in a black jumpsuit, black boots, a heavy, scary black bear mask, and carting off the objects that bring people pain), I was ambushed by one of my ex-girlfriends, Bailey Nolan aka Moan of Arc along with the performance art group she leads BabySkinGlove. That night, in the apartment, they did a performance intended only for Death Bear.

UM.

When we entered the apartment door, I thought it was a goth party or something. There was only candlelight, and the girl who led me inside had bloody gothic makeup on and a skirt like a vampire, but I didn’t recognize her in the dark as someone I knew. But once I was inside and the host (she goes by Birthday Sex) said to me in a psychotic nurse voice, “Hi Death Bear,” I knew something was wrong. Think surprise Death Party if that exists (and it should not!)

Did Death Bear end up in death? No, for he lived to blog about it.

They had staged some kind of vampire/witch seance…. What are those pictures over there on the wall? There’s panties all over the place.. what? I wanted to appreciate the makeup on their faces better. It looked good. They looked good. They looked sexy. I couldn’t do any of this because I was afraid to take my eyes off Bailey who had begun to cry and flail her arms wildly. Real tears? Then (I had to be told later) she took a knife and drove it into the box that she had for me.

Really the whole thing is worth a read. In short, however: Death Bear lives to retrieve pain (and break hearts) another day. Phew?