Courtney Love is giving it [Ed Note: “it” being her career, in this instance.] another go, releasing a new Hole album, with a whole new band (hey!), through Mercury/Island Def Jam in April. She went on the British TV show Friday Night With Jonathan Ross last week, and debuted a new song, “Samantha,” that sounds somewhat like something that might have been left off Hole’s classic 1994 album, Live Through This. Which means it sounds better than much of the music she’s made since, but also makes you wonder who wrote it and when.

Most interestingly, perhaps (or perhaps not), the eye make-up Love chose for the performance suggests that she is expressing her admiration of Ice-Cube (and his moles)…

…or that she has joined a Mexican gang. (More likely.)

Great news! Chanel temporary tattoos go on sale today! Just $75 for five. I mean why wouldn’t you literally be a whore to their brand identity extension at that price.

Awl contributor Katie Baker-Bakes indulges in her love of Troop Beverly Hills and learns that you can, in fact, go home again.

There are not enough band names to go around! So says the Wall Street Journal, which notes that

The last decade’s digital revolution not only transformed the way people listen to music, it changed the way bands establish identities. In the past, identically named acts often carved out livings in separate regions, oblivious or indifferent to one another. Now, it takes only moments for a musician to create an online profile and upload songs, which can potentially reach listeners around the world.

Lawyers say that has raised the stakes in trademark disputes, which almost always hinge on which band first used the name commercially, and where.

This seems remarkably unlikely to me. I mean, how hard is it to come up with a unique band name? Armed with only Google, a rhyming dictionary, and an urgency to get a post done, I challenged myself to come up with ten new group monikers for which there were no registered alternatives. It took three minutes. Granted, you might not have the same topical knowledge of current events or remarkable ear for what makes a great name as I do, but, really, with a little effort you too can find the perfect identity for your little music combo. Watch and learn.

Hello Kitty Episiotomy
Tweet a Bag of Dicks
Autistic Rectum Disorder
Big Black Bodyman
Chooch of the Redeemer
Chris Farley Lego Rock Band
Stoatscrötum
The Dubai Assassins
Ninja Culinary Academy
Timmy and the Tumbltards*

See? It’s that simple! In fact, if you want any of these, grab ’em up now. Just send me some of the t-shirt money when you hit the big time.

*Joke about Tumblr taking this name back from you goes here.

“Paris Whitney Hilton was ‘just another baby’ at a time when it seemed America might soon be burning babies for heating fuel — but that’s not why, ultimately, she became a superstar.”
–HISTORY OF THE DAY!

by Xarissa Holdaway

Everyone’s got a “green vertical” these days, because the planet is very important. Now, thank the Goddess, we have one too.

If you are like me, you have many friends who care a lot about the planet and are trying to “reduce” their “impact,” as well as put fewer (non-natural) drugs in their bodies. It’s a return to simpler, older ways of doing things. Along the way, people have discovered that worm composting is fun! But there are so few “green” options when you get sick. With an overburdened, groaning health care system and all the hormones and chemicals that are already coming through your insufficiently-regulated drinking water, there’s not a lot you can do. Except, it turns out, when you have a cold.

Colds are the bane of the medical world: they make a lot of people very unhappy and clog up emergency rooms because many of those unhappy people are stupid, and there’s really no way to cure them (of either the colds or the stupidity-zing!). So an entire industry has sprung up around mitigation: decongestants, throat relievers, our old friend yerba mate tea. But colds have been around long before Sudafed, so why not test some of your grandma’s remedies?

Grandma was smart, and knew how to save both money and energy, a truly necessary thing in our profligate society. Unfortunately, my grandmas are kind of senile, but I have a Helpful Friend who knows her grandma’s old world cures, and she was kind enough to rescue me from my cold with an effective, cheap, home remedy to plugged sinuses. In case you are so inclined, I have written a handy, step-by-step guide below. In a culture where Afrin junkies exist, let’s say Down with Big Pharma!

Please note: this method will make your face feel like it is exploding and you should not try it.

The first thing to do is to mix together vinegar and water. Don’t get too picky, about half and half is good, and as long as it’s clear vinegar and doesn’t smell like sherry or anything, you’re fine. Apple cider, white distilled whatever. You just want that good, astringent vinegar smell. Put this mixture in a glass or bowl with a wide enough mouth that you can stick your whole schnozz in it. Neti pots are for pansies, and will not give you the result described below. Don’t mess around with saltwater, it is simply insufficient to clear a really well-blocked nasal passage.

Start off with something relaxing. There are lots of dangerous bacteria in your ears, so lie on one side on the floor and use a bottle cap or something similar to pour a few drops of the vinegar-water into your ear. Let it sit there and tickle around for a minute or two. Clap a paper towel over that ear, switch sides, and repeat. Doesn’t that feel good? This is fun, right? Chat with Helpful Friend, who is so nice as to help you with your cold. Why do people go buy cold medicine? This is a much more civilized way of doing things.

Now for the real task: allegedly killing all those yucky germs in your sinuses that are making you so miserable. Go into your bathroom, and have a few tissues handy. Steel yourself. Helpful Friend says this will hurt for about 15 seconds, but you know you can take it. You didn’t even cry that time a car hit your bike and you had to have 17 stitches in your arm! You have two options here: either snort the vinegar-water into both nostrils at once, or do them one at a time. You’re new at this, so I won’t call you a wuss for only doing one. Baby steps! Bending over the sink, plug the left nostril with the thumb of your left hand, breathe in, breathe out, submerge your nose in the bowl and snort deeply.

This is where results vary. It is wise to have kept the lid up on your toilet, in case you don’t react well to this last step. I won’t judge you if you throw up, because the sensation you are experiencing now is that you have just blown up your face. It’s understandable that you may be a little nauseated. Also you might want to have left some towels in a handy heap on the floor, because your natural instinct to snort that vinegar back out may have caused you to hit your head on the faucet or your cabinet, and you’ll want something soft to land on.

It may actually be preferable to spend the next ten minutes unconscious. If you aren’t that lucky, have your best swear words at the ready. Helpful Friend will forgive this outburst, and also the tears, vinegar-scented mucus and drool that are oozing from every one of your facial orifices. Helpful Friend may even be handing you additional tissues, because Helpful Friend is a nice person and it’s a shame that she’s going to die so soon.

Once the shaking has subsided, move to a more comfortable position, with five or six boxes of tissues lined up in front of you. This is the good part, where all that gunk is purged like so much germ-ridden Cuyahoga river water. You will start blowing your nose approximately three times a minute for the next eternity, so maybe put on an episode of Planet Earth. You could also converse with Helpful Friend, who is being very kind about not laughing at you for what was obviously intended as a prank. She will need to carry the conversation, though, as you can only breathe through your mouth and can’t really talk, drain skull and breathe at the same time. Here are some fun things you can ponder as your sinuses clear themselves:

• The human body is a miracle of evolutionary engineering, and has channels, of which you are typically unaware. You can feel the vinegar in all sorts of places you would never expect: your eyeballs, your throat, the bit of your spine right at the top that connects to your skull. Even your left hand is slightly twitchy, but you should disregard this, as it is merely the natural instinct to strangle Helpful Friend.
• The amount of tissues you are going through easily amounts to a small, probably old-growth Amazon forest that could have prevented global warming. Feel guilty about this, but not for too long, because the good news is that…
• There are many “green living” websites that recommend you disinfect your counters and floors with a 50–50 solution of vinegar and water. Take comfort in the fact that your nasal passages are now clean enough for a toddler in an organic onesie to eat mashed bananas and applesauce off them.
• It might be best not to think about applesauce while looking at what’s coming out of your nose, unless it is to ponder….
• How many ways are there to kill a person with applesauce? Drowning, poisoning, maybe feeding her so much applesauce that the pH balance in her cells is overwhelmed and they all burst like little stars.

After about half an hour, you will find yourself beset by uncontrollable sneezing, the kind where you are in fear for the integrity of your eyeballs. Hurts so good! At last you begin to suspect you are reaching the end of your body’s capacity to produce mucus. Don’t worry too much if what you’re sneezing out looks a little like grey matter. You weren’t using those cells, anyway.

Sidebar! If you are like me, when you were a kid, your mom may have had a special kind of procedure done on her nasal passages to correct persistent blockages and infections. Though you were not in the room, you remember her saying that at one point, she had to sit up over a bowl, heavily anesthetized, so all the nasty stuff in her head could drain out and they could piece her back together. Feel very proud of yourself for having essentially accomplished the same thing, but without the drag of medical school and with no drugs whatsoever! You’re practically a doctor.

So now you’ve reached the end of the mucus flow, and feeling rather weak and virtuous. Helpful Friend, at this point, may suggest that it is a good time to do the other nostril. If you had more balls you would have done both at once.

From your prostrate position, you will hear Helpful Friend saying something to the effect of, “I forgot to mention, you won’t really feel clear until tomorrow. All the mucus is gone, but the nasal tissues are inflamed from the vinegar.” It’s hard to tell if that’s what she said, because your teeth hurt, and you can’t really hear much. She’s probably right though, since you are still breathing through your mouth. She asks if you want some Tylenol for the swelling, and she thinks it’s very cute that you ask for a machete instead. A few minutes later, she wishes you a cheery goodnight, and doesn’t even make you get up to let her out. Sleep exactly where you are on the floor, since your inner ear isn’t doing so great and you maybe won’t be able to stand up.

There are some very specific instructions for next-day care. Helpful Friend suggests you snort some more vinegar in the morning, “just to make sure everything is dead.” My instructions diverge slightly. I recommend you visit your nearest pharmacy first, to pick up some Afrin. You don’t really need it now, but you will the next time you get sick. Also, the behind-the-counter Claritin, some tea, and seven or eight bottles of aspirin. Best to be prepared during cold season. While you’re there, since it’s winter, you should be able to find an ice pick. Failing that, a few bottles of applesauce. Since Helpful Friend was so sweet and wonderful, it’s only fair you pay her a visit.

Xarissa Holdaway never reads past the first page of Google results for alternative remedies.

You guys! Canandians are real people too! Real adorable people. I mean, look how cute and earnest they are! “Take us seriously or we will kill your athletes by denying them access to our practice facilities.” Awww! So scary! Okay, Canada, I surrender-to your adorableness!

Love me ’til I’m dead: Here are 6 folk-oriented covers of Talking Heads’ “This Must Be The Place.”

Ah, fuck it, go ahead and have a look at your daily dose of awwww. The fact that this comes from the same paper which brings you the news that Brits like tits probably says something about the national character, but who knows? I enjoy looking at both of these things too.

Here are my favorite five little bits in the profile of Kate and Andy Spade in New York magazine. I find the Spades actually kind of charming and even so this story is making me laugh and laugh. It’s like taking a big branding-scented bath in word association.

1. The Spades took Bea to Disneyland for the first time at the end of January. A few days after they got home, Andy had a party at Partners & Spade to celebrate the release of the first two of six books of photographs he had taken with his iPhone.

2. It is instead a trip inside Spade’s peripatetic mind, and, therefore, a helpful place to begin understanding why so many men in this city have been wandering around in flannel shirts and Red Wing boots, taking their meals in restaurants with walls covered in a mishmash of antlers and art.

3. The Spades are from the Midwest. They like to get together with their old friends and stay up late. They like things to be classic and they like the color Kelly green. They came to the city, but they didn’t set about erasing the people they were before they got here, and they still have that outsider’s endless thrill of how cool is this art gallery? How great is this weird smelly record store?

4. “If you look at everything that was going on in fashion at that time,” Andy says now, “there was not a voice that just said hi or hello. There just wasn’t a lot out there that looked real. But there’s something great about suburbia. There’s something great about innocence. A Peter Pan collar is sexier than a bustier.”

5. If anything, they’ve often worked on transporting city folk beyond the five boroughs-and not to Europe either. Tierney Gearon photographed the company’s second ad campaign, which featured a good-looking (but not scarily so) family in the yard of their big (but not huge) white clapboard house. “It was being in the backyard and throwing your kid up in the air, and the kid is wearing a Halloween costume,” Andy says. “I mean, what’s better than that? Being on a yacht is definitely not any better than that.”