“Stuff You Can Say About Soup That You Shouldn’t Say About Girls,” an illustrated guide. [Via]

Not a whole lot happens in this video apart from a bear and her cubs crossing the road, but sometimes that’s enough. I love the way she lopes along and they kind of charge in front of her but keep looking back to make sure she’s there. Bear videos! You know how I feel about them. (Just as a reminder, Mother’s Day is Sunday, May 9th.)

On this matter, I agree with web entrepreneur Jason Calacanis 100%! This is the only way to quit a job: “Boss, this is hard for me to say, so I’m going to just come out and say it: I’m resigning today….” The rest of the script follows. Use it!

by Meghan Keane

Sex Offender Week got a little derailed yesterday due to sad server problems. But we’re back today with two more installments on the issues of being the men and the women today!

Former Poison frontman Bret Michaels winding up in the hospital (may the bandana of love live on for eternity) is the best thing that could have happened to Donald Trump this spring.

The third season of the Donald’s extra vanity project-”Celebrity Apprentice”-has been struggling. With bloated two-hour episodes, the show has been beat in the ratings by CBS’ “Undercover Boss,” ABC’s “Brothers and Sisters” and (oof) “Desperate Housewives.”

The show began with 7 women and 7 men, on gender-based teams. And then, though a woman went out first, in each of the following four weeks a man left the show. The consequences were extreme: only Michaels’ health scare of the last week (he is now on the mend, after his brain hemorrhage) might actually bring viewers to the show.

Now that “Apprentice” has finally ended its lopsided battle of the sexes, it’s less embarrassing to watch. This season was starting to become a backwards motivational lesson for females. That is because the men on the show have been such a mess that the women have stepped on, beaten and humiliated them in their little competitions every week. It got so bad that He Whose Hair Shall Not Be Mentioned then decided to kick off pretty model Selita Ebanks to even the scales a little, though he followed it up by removing aging lunk wrestler Bill Goldberg, and then, in the most recent episode, fired no one, because everyone did such a great job. And because Trump had to slow down the booting, because people kept leaving the show.

This is especially of note considering the fact that women succeeding in the workplace has been an issue popping up (again!) quite a bit recently. Wage gap numbers are being trotted around once again and discussions of the ratios of women to men in tech are getting a lot of people up in arms. “Celebrity Apprentice” is serving as some weird example that, though many women might have learned to lean toward excessive politeness and underminery tactics when challenged, at least they know how to follow directions and get shit done.

Stepping around the egos of the famous and quasi-famous people on “Celebrity Apprentice” often throws off the narrative in this spin-off to Trump’s original business flagellation show. But if the bar for getting on a celebrity reality show has always been set low, this one seems intent on proving that there’s an especially deep dip made for celebrity males, at least of those willing to prostrate themselves before the Donald, that they need barely lift a foot to step over.

Last season of the show was a female cage match between Joan Rivers and professional poker player Annie Duke. The two women went toe-to-toe (with a squawking Melissa Rivers occasionally wagging a finger into the battle) for some particularly fervent girl-on-girl violence.

So now this season, Bret Michaels and celebrity chef-I’ve-never-heard-of Curtis Stone are the only two men left on the show. Their current task appears to be holding purses and keeping all of the excess estrogen in check.

All this despite the fact that the men’s team had more star power. (Save for Rob Blagojevich, whose huge helmet of hair, paired with his vacant stare and the possibility of perjury charges, seemed enough to get a spot in Trump’s harem).

But beyond their often embarrassing attempts to participate in the show’s challenges, these men couldn’t even commit to however many episodes it takes to get kicked off. Olympic Track & Field gold medalist Michael Johnson — who actually seemed like a competent person — had to leave for suspiciously vague personal reasons. And for all of his ability to fuel tabloid newspaper content during his sports career, Daryl Strawberry was not cut out for reality television. He sat like an anchor on screen for a few episodes before — bless him — throwing himself under the bus and requesting an exit from the show.

But few of the men on the show even seemed capable of completing Trump’s series of menial tasks. Blagojevich, for one, appears to have been raised in a place where equivocation got him out of learning such skills as typing, email and coherent speech.

At least Bret Michaels, with his ever-present bandana of hairline obfuscation, showed a sense of humor. He has also developed an impressively pleasant ability for circular reasoning in the face of confrontation that makes for good TV.

And then, Trump split up the sex war teams. And not a moment too soon, since the lack of competition in the actual tasks led the show’ editors to focus on irritatingly petty arguments between the women to fill the dragging air time. Here’s one reason for female cat fighting-because there are so many of them left. The editors have used Michaels and Stone as buffers that will likely be around for awhile so that Trump can whittle the show down to a final face-off that people will actually want to watch.

But the women on the show continue to prove that they are literate, capable of feeding themselves and listening to instructions. They may not be cut out for the quagmire of reality TV, but while the men famous for physical reasons seem dumb as rocks, the women seem to have some intellect beyond name recognition (when they have that). Wrestling chic Maria Kanellis, swimmer Summer Sanders, and Holly Robinson Peete (“21 Jump Street” for LIFE!) seem like fully functioning humans, though they do have thin skins and a propensity for passive aggressive apologizing that can been irritating to watch.

And as Sharon Osbourne pointed out-if they got rid of Cyndi Lauper it would be like watching paint dry.

Since Sharon’s one-liners have been sidelined with some mystery ailment most of the season, Cyndi has presented the one example on the show of how outsize talent can breed a strange, circular, but ultimately effective thinking-the kind that could actually foster the career of a longtime pop icon.

But now that Trump has shuffled the intellectual — and charity raising — weight around, his show can go back to the business of watching big personalities learn new skills and impart lessons to the common folk around them. Like teaching Cyndi Lauper’s mom how to do arm curls and using Bret Michaels’ best skill-helping every female within a five mile radius feel attractive and loved for a small moment. May he get better in time to bring his coterie of cougars to the final episode.

Obviously Meghan Keane was probably going to keep watching anyway.

TransUnion is fighting tooth and nail to prevent legislation that would prevent employers from using credit histories during the course of employment screening, what with the economy being as lousy as it is and people being more likely to have dings on their records these days. The company is even going so far as to attempt sleights-of-language in their efforts! The problem, of course, comes when that sort of trickery actually works, as it almost did with one poor Illinois legislator who apparently didn’t understand the specific reasons for the bill’s existence before allowing a lobbyist to goad him into suggesting some modifications.

In Illinois, legislators said privately held TransUnion twice attempted to introduce language into a proposed Employee Credit Privacy Act that would have rendered it meaningless. The bill would prohibit employers from “discriminating against an individual with respect to hiring, discharging, employment, compensation … or privilege of employment because of the individual’s credit history,” or from “inquiring about an applicant’s or employee’s credit history.”

The bill, expected to be voted on soon by the Senate after passage in the House, allows for exemptions for jobs in which employees have unsupervised access to cash and personal information. Bills such as Illinois’ have support from national groups that promote labor and minority rights.

Franks said a lobbyist working for TransUnion “duped him” into replacing references to “credit history” with “credit scores,” which are not used in hiring.

“I called (the lobbyist) and said, ‘Hey, listen. Good work. You fooled me,’’’ Franks said. He said that change would have gutted the bill.

Democracy in action! It goes down a bit easier if you just think of this brief clip:

OK, it doesn’t go down that much easier.

So the talk in the rap world this week is that Cam’ron and Jim Jones called radio personality/blogger Minya “Miss Info” Oh to say that they were sitting in the same car. Former best friends who led the Harlem rap crew the Diplomats to stardom in the early ’00s, Cam and Jim had not been together and chummy since falling out four years ago. While fans wait for the official Dipset reunion, though, Cam has a good new song with his new protege Vado and Cleveland’s favorite rapper/singer/HBO star, Kid Cudi. Interestingly, Vado disses tight blue jeans in his verse (“Wear a 34/but those skinny legs ain’t fittin’ me/Never!”) and Kid Cudi (that’s him in the picture with the video) often wears tight blue jeans! This takes on greater significance in light of the financial reform bill going to the floor in the senate, and the news that the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico is so much worse than we thought.

Cell phones: Everyone knows their radiation is rotting your brain and turning your testicles into shriveled shells of lazy, mutated sperm. But what if there was actually a positive aspect to the whole thing? What if, for instance, your iPhone kept you from developing the horrible symptoms of Alzheimer’s disease? Take it away, Science!

Scientists at the University of South Florida studied mice that are genetically predisposed to develop Alzheimer’s and its accompanying memory problems. Based on previous research, the researchers hypothesized that radiation from phones would accelerate progression of the disease be­cause other types of radiation cause free radical damage. The team used an antenna to expose some of the mice to electromagnetic waves that approximated two hours of daily cell phone use. To the scientists’ surprise, the mice that were dosed with cell phone radiation did not suffer from memory impairments as they aged-unlike their radiation-free counterparts. The mice exposed to phone waves retained their youthful ability to navigate a once familiar maze after time spent in different mazes.

There are plenty of “still to early to tell” caveats on this one, but I’m convinced! In fact, I’m going to go make a call on my phone while smoking a cigarette, just to be on the safe side!

Eminem, “Not Afraid”

The first thing that’s noticeable about “Not Afraid,” the first single off Eminem’s forthcoming album Recovery, is the singing. He’s not going singer-songwriter, mind you; the chorus is constructed from an army of Ems, not unlike the ones he’s gathered at awards shows past, raising their voices in a style that brings to mind ragged glam-rock anthems from 40 years ago, defiantly uniting to say that they’re going to overcome their fears. Eminem has thankfully dropped the accent that plagued so much of Relapse, as well as the stale pop-culture references of his previous “comeback single” effort “We Made You”; perhaps those were just more plagues that he needed to detoxify from his system, since he sounds absolutely on fire as he gets both angry at the world and his own recent on-record shortcomings (“In fact, let’s be honest, that last Relapse CD was eh / Perhaps I ran them accents into the ground”). The standard disclaimers about pop stars having a tougher go at world domination in the fractured universe of 2010 still apply with this track, but it’s nice to hear a new track that is the aural equivalent of completely going for it, and I suspect that because of that quality — and the still-potent-to-many idea of Eminem rising up from the ashes to take on the world — “Not Afraid” will be pretty unavoidable by this time next month.

by Natasha Vargas-Cooper

Richard Rushfield, the preeminent ‘American Idol’ scholar of our time, and author of the forthcoming Hyperion book ‘American Idol: The Last Empire,’ has long maintained that the television singing competition show is being destroyed by young girls. Natasha Vargas-Cooper, the preeminent scholar of tween girls of our time, and author of the forthcoming ‘Mad Men Unbuttoned,’ has had enough. For better or for worse, we’ve asked them to take their ongoing argument on the matter public.

Natasha Vargas-Cooper: I knew that the results this week would be controversial because American Idol’s final six competitors are what remains when the fat is cut. And the time has come to discuss this matter like adults.

Richard Rushfield: Yes, we have to deal with the fact that a cabal of juvenile terrorists who no longer are held back by shame or any principles controls this nation.

Natasha: Oh, Richard!

Richard: It’s the second year in a row that only one girl is in the top five. [Spoilers follow!]

Natasha: What did tonight say to you about American Idol?

Richard: It says to me that we are fooled into thinking we have any rights in this nation. In fact, we are giving the illusion of democracy and a ballot box. But governance is really only open to those who are created differently….

Natasha: Will you give me the description of the oppressors?

Richard: Those who have the ability to text 800 times in an hour. Which is to say, 11–14 year old girls who come to the table with one agenda and will do whatever it takes to bring it about.

Natasha: Find boyfriends?

Richard: To prop up cute boys on their television competitions.

Natasha: Hasn’t it always been this way with idol though? Why did people like Kelly Clarkson or Jordin Sparks win?

Richard: No. The big change, I think, and I have only circumstantial proof for this as the numbers are not made public about the vote totals…

Natasha: (Lack of transparency = first sign of oppression!)

Richard: But since text messaging has become ubiquitous, in the past 4- 5 years, the road for girls has gotten increasingly hard.

Natasha: Girls on the show?

Richard: Yes, of course, what other girls matter?

Natasha: Richard!

Richard: But you know, girls on Idol are a metaphor for the rights of girls in general, in society and government and stuff.

Natasha: Ok, so who felt the blade of the tweens pre-teen justice tonight? Tell us about Ms. Magnus?

Richard: So Siobhan Magnus was one of the most unique, talented young women to come across the idol stage in a while: a goth who loved Hanson, a glass blower from Cape Cod, with an Edward Gorey tattoo on her arm, she seemed the promise for non-cookie cutter women on this show.

Richard: But since the rise of the tweens, circa season six, the only women that get anywhere are in the Jordin Sparks mode.

Natasha: Jordin Sparks being the portly, pan-ethnic, 17-year-old.

Richard: Yes, the perpetually smiling, non-threatening best friend who would never ever talk to a guy you like. And in the past couple years, even they haven’t been allowed through.

Natasha: Why was she cast out on her Shania Twain week?

Richard: It’s odd that Siobhan would have been cast out this week, as first of all, she did well last night-by the judges review. And she was in the final slot, aka the pimp slot, which generally guarantees you sail through, as it’s the last thing voters see before they go to the polls.

Natasha: Yes, she is, in the Mamet sense, A CLOSER.

Richard: Well I think basically it was the tweens sending a message, saying: no one is safe.

Richard: They stayed with her for the fast few weeks while she was struggling, they felt bad for her (non-threatened) but once she had a good week, they said, nuh-uh, you’re gone, lady.

Natasha: Who is the ideal tween star from the idol ranks?

Richard: Well, David Archuleta is the classic.

Natasha: I always felt that watching Archuleta was the equivalent to watching a butterfly landing on the face of baby with Down Syndrome. So gentle, so sweet, unbearably so.

Richard: That’s a… beautiful metaphor.

Natasha: I’m at work on a haiku.

Richard: But what was interesting that year was in the end, a good portion of the tweens split away. David Cook took a bite of the tween demo. David Cook unleashed something powerful and deep in the tween soul.

Natasha: Did he tap into the Twilight side of the Tweens?

Richard: I stood in the moshpit one night when he performed, just to experience. Adventure journalism. I was lucky to escape with my life

Natasha: The stormy, angst, bad boy that you want to make out with kind of thing?

Richard: Definitely. Something from their primeval, pre-verbal history.

Richard: That is the thing people don’t understand about the tweens. They don’t just want shiny and clean. They want that in girls, but in boys, they want some roughness too. Just a tiny bit. Like, one day stubble.

Natasha: Right, but no motorcycle, just a black Acura.

Natasha: Richard. Can I give you my defense of tweens? And why Siobhan Magnus needed to be sacrificed tonight?

Richard: Oh boy. Let’s hear it.

Natasha: Tweens have been the engine of pop culture since, well, since the days of yore! Beatlemania! Presley! I’m pretty sure toothy Brits in training bras had Oasis posters up!

Natasha: Magnus was, though an exotic flower from Cape Cod! She seemed woefully out of touch! GIRLS CAN SENSE IT!

Richard: She was a glass blower! Have they no pity?

Natasha: That’s like saying ‘she was a mime!’ This is not the Left Bank of Paris! THIS IS THE IDOLDOME!!

Richard: The only way a girl can survive on Cape Cod is by blowing glass! Since the mines shut down….

Natasha: Mimes don’t buy records! Tween girls do! And their love is pure!

Richard: I dispute that point. Tween girls are fonts of resentment and fascist control impulses.

Natasha: They are reacting to their primal instincts to find suitable boyfriends! Look, there is no doubt that tween girls are conservative. NO DOUBT.

Richard: Yes, and they need to be locked up until they get a handle on that. Until then, they have no place in civil discourse. Let alone RUNNING SOCIETY!

Natasha: But is pop culture not made for them!? You cannot show up at theme park with roller coasters and demand a dramatic reading of Brecht!

Natasha: Ergo, you cannot expect American Idol to be controlled by anything but pre-menstrual globs of desire and lavender dreams (ie, tweens).

Richard: I can indeed. I’m willing that they should have a vote in pop culture and I’m glad there are channels made for them. But let’s look at the history here….

Richard: Idol once gave them a seat at the table. Which was good, they should be heard, so we thought. But once there, they didn’t want just a seat. They wanted the whole table and all the chairs and every poster on the walls.

Richard: There was a time when we were a rational democracy. When we elected giants like Clarkson and Barrino as our leaders, girls, nay, women even, were allowed to have a voice but that day is gone.

Natasha: Why was Clarkson victorious? I didn’t find her to have any edge at all when she was competing. Is it because people sent in their votes on PARCHMENT? Written with their QUILLS?

Richard: Perhaps they did. Clarkson was the platonic candidate, its unfair to even talk of her. She was everything to everyone, successfully.

Natasha: True.

Natasha: Then how do you account for the unlikely success of the Hippie Bowersox in this season? Account for it!

Richard: The Bowersox has the girls convinced that she is just a fun wacky free spirit that you could totally take off your shoes and just sit on the floor singing songs and coloring with her.

Natasha: It’s true that she is also non-threatening.

Richard: And since she’s a mother, she wouldn’t go after the guy you like.

Richard: But all the same, they will turn on her before this is done.

Richard: Their lust for blood is insatiable.

Natasha: It’s true that she is an unlikely winner.

Natasha: Do you think it will come down to Lee DeWyze? THE DREAMY BLUE-EYED BOY WHO USED TO SELL PAINT AND NOW MOSTLY TRAFFICS IN MY LOVE FOR HIM?!

Richard: What can be said about Lee?

Natasha: Why are you not convinced by his smokey vocals and ‘aw shucks’ demeanor? He brought a bagpipe on stage. How is that not edgy enough for you?

Richard: I’m not unconvinced by him. He’s had some good nights.

Richard: But when you look back at the nights, David Cook had sensational, show stopping moments, where he redefined a song. Kris Allen had some fantastic nights too…. but no one shocks us this season.

Natasha: Do not defend Kris Allen to me.

Natasha: Kris Allen is not to be trusted.

Richard: Kris Allen is a wonderful young man and a fine champion. You are lucky to have him.

Natasha: Richard! You have been seduced by these people! I am for the Hobbesian element.

Natasha: NO ONE CAN BE SHOWN MERCY IN THE NAME OF PERSONALITY!

Richard: Watch these videos..

Richard: And tell me you’re not seduced. (Both shot by me, BTW.)

Natasha: NO! I CARE NOT FOR WHAT HAPPENS OFF THE IDOL STAGE! Respect the medium. I love the purity of form.

Richard: I love Kris and nothing will take that from me.

Natasha: So. Who SHOULD be making these decisions if not the lusty mamas and their pre-teen offspring?

Richard: Okay, here is what I propose.

Richard: First of all. Institute a voting age.

Richard: Say 16 years old.

Richard: Second.

Richard: There should be a secret panel of experts who are allowed to secretly guide this and who are given say 10 million votes to throw around.

Natasha: You are the fascist!

Richard: I’m a monarchist. The tweens are fascist; wrapping their dictatorship in populist trappings.

Natasha: You cannot pick and choose your democracy!

Richard: I’m not saying the panel must choose me for the secret experts panel, but if called upon, of course I would be willing to serve.

Natasha: But Richard! You were born in like, the Victorian era!! You had Bowie or some shit. THIS IS THE TWEENS TIME! It’s like the Goonies!

Richard: When a system has failed to secure its citizens’ basic needs, it’s time for responsible people to take matters into their own hands.

Richard: When you go into a grocery store and knock over all the bottles, someone gets a bill…

Natasha: Four legs good, two legs bad.

Richard: You know, democracy served its purpose.

Richard: But monarchy has traditionally been the best guarantor of happiness for the greatest number. And also is by far the best form of government just from a costume/style perspective.

Natasha: Leviathan!

Richard: We all saw with our own eyes Thomas Hobbes’ worst nightmares of an electorate turned into a bloodthristy mob come true. These people are monsters.

Natasha: Richard, who is more anti-female? You or I?

Richard: You.

Richard: I’m supporting women’s rights on this show

Richard: I’m sorry that it’s girls who are standing in their way. You claim to be a feminist but you’re standing by and allowing your sisters to die.

Natasha: I speak for the tweens! No one defends them. I am their public defender. The tweens have no taste. They only have emotion. They can smell a phony. They cannot be hoodwinked by sweet promises of edginess or indie rock. They are the most naked, crass, commercial, demographic. They are the marrow of pop culture!

Richard: They may have served a purpose but American Idol power was never put DIRECTLY in their hands and that has driven them mad with power.

Richard: They have lost their moral compass. And these screamings, the shriekings. We just need to say to them, “Get a hold of yourselves! where is your dignity?”

Natasha: THAT’S WHAT SO MARVELOUS ABOUT TWEENDOM! There is no dignity! It’s all feeeeeelings! Like Crying Girl. The tween epitome.

Richard: Crying Girl and I are having a heated debate right now. She actually is not representing her flock.

Richard: Feelings have no place in the public square. They should take them to their rooms.

Natasha: Did you ground Crying Girl?

Richard: Ashley Ferl the Crying Girl was torn between Bowersox and Siobhan. She has walked away from her people. However, I begged her to throw her support and endorsement entirely behind Siobhan and she refused to narrow it down.

Natasha: How old is she now?

Richard: She is 16. She drives a car. And she’s more the screaming girl these days.

Natasha: You see, she has outgrown her role as the leader of the tweens. Just like Miley…

Richard: She has… but she will always exert great influence. If only she’d use it!

Natasha: She will vote for Lee Dewyze. I believe Lee is the best. You know I have felt this way. I feel safe when I dream about him.

Richard: He will win.

Natasha: Can I count on you to support him?

Richard: I’m predicting not endorsing.

Natasha: YOU MUST CHOOSE!

Richard: I am on the sidelines now.

Natasha: MAGNUS IS GONE! YOU MUST ACCEPT AND JOIN IN THE FUTURE.

Richard: Why should I pretend I have a voice in this contest?

Richard: Why should I pretend that I can be heard in a culture ruled by fear?

Natasha: We have no time for petty complaints.

Natasha: We are building our uber-boymensch.

Richard: You see! The velvet glove comes off and the iron fist is revealed!

Natasha: Salute yourself in Generalissimo Dewyze!

Richard: To quote Auden, “All I have is a voice, to undo the folded lie.”

Virginia’s governor is making a few changes: “When Bob McDonnell ran for governor of Virginia, he insisted-emphatically at times-that he was no culture warrior…. In the four months since he was sworn in as governor, McDonnell has rescinded protections for gay and lesbian state employers, declared a ‘Christian Heritage Week’ (devoted to perpetuating the myth that the Founders created a distinctly ‘Christian nation’), declared a ‘Confederate History Month’ (with no mention of slavery), and has now reinstated a policy giving free license to State Police chaplains to be sectarian.” And there’s plenty more!