I know E-40 is a big dude. I know he’s a heavy hitter in the rap game. (A baseball lover, the Bay Area rap great sometimes goes by the name “Charlie Hustle.” Hey, maybe he should collaborate with Ohio rocker Robert Pollard on the soundtrack to that Pete Rose documentary that’s coming out in July? On second thought, there probably aren’t two artists I’d less rather hear collaborate, though I’m a fan of them both.) And I guess this new track doesn’t tip the scales like the 500-megaton-whomp of the “Weedman” beat. But still, this is lightweight jammin’? No way!

Here is the current list of PR companies that are blocked on my Gmail. Offenses by these firms in recent email subject lines include: “Heads Up — Hybrid gets a makeover,” “Miss USA 2010 Odds: Louisiana’s contestant will be crowned on Sunday!,” “Story Idea: Get Carrie’d away with these delicious low calorie Sex and the City Cocktails!!,” “Dan Aykroyd’s Crystal Head Vodka Celebrates One-Millionth Bottle,” “Recall: The future of Post-Kate Dancing with the Stars,” “Is Jane Lynch really rocking a $395 engagement ring?,” “Blog Material — Jennie Garth in Grand Central Station” and “Is “Brexting” the New Break-Up?” Oh and who can forget: “Snooki’s Diet Weapon: COOKIES!” I welcome communications from these firms and any others when they stop spamming me.

Lady GaGa, Bruce Springsteen, Elton John, Shirley Bassey, Debbie Harry And Sting Turn Carnegie Hall Into A Fancy Karaoke Bar

This performance of “Don’t Stop Believin’” (yes, that one) from a Rainforest Fund benefit last night in New York City proves that while you can put the Lady in really uncomfortable “arty” shoes that make her look like she’s about to fall over, you can’t pry the lyrics to Journey’s ever-unkillable ode to hope from her brain. (Elton, however, got a bit tripped up by the verses at the beginning there…) [Via / Related]

“But abnegating her own beliefs in order to stand by her man-even as he did things that affected innumerable lives, things she apparently knew to be wrong-was exactly ‘traditional,’ and the worst kind of tradition. The really troubling thing is how much people liked it: How a woman publicly enacting lack of engagement, lack of opinion, lack of self, was met with such sky-high approval ratings and such wide applause.”
–That’s Sady Doyle on the secret life of Laura Bush, and it is all kinds of oof.

by New York City

Hey, America, howyoudoin’?

Hahaha, I kid! I know that’s the sort of greeting so many of you associate with me, New York City, but I assure you I am much more classy and sophisticated than the impression given by the many television sitcoms and Hollywood exaggerations you have seen over the years. I exude elegance. I am, of course, the Greatest City in the World. You should come see for yourself!

Now, listen, America: I know you’re probably a little uneasy about me right now. You resent my associates downtown for the way they wrecked the economy. You have probably heard that there’s been a tiny — infinitesimal, really — increase in the crime rate. You’re a little tired of all the Jews. I understand, believe me. But you’re misplacing your anger.

We are not that different, you and I, America. We have the same values (money trumps everything, only winners matter, misery is best countered by an illogical belief that you will somehow succeed no matter how deeply stacked against you the deck is, etc.), although I might tend to express them a little more loudly. It’s just my way! I’m a can-do go-getter with sharp elbows. And I know you admire that!

So why not come stay with me for a week or so? The weather’s starting to warm up, and as much as I’m happy to take the euros and riyals that foreign tourists are clamoring to dump into my coffers, I would really prefer to see you, my fellow countrymen. There’s something about the special bond we share that makes me feel like — WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

Oh, I’m sorry. It was just an empty gas can someone carelessly discarded near a pack of matches. Did I scare you? I did not mean to. I’ve been a little jumpy lately is all. I apologize if you were alarmed. Can’t be too cautious these days, you know?

Anyway, as I was saying: There is so much to see and do here. I am not knocking the cultural opportunities in your own hometowns — which I’m sure are lovely, in that understated provincial way you do so well; it’s adorable, really — but you don’t get to the top of the heap by taking half-measures. My museums, my theater district, my many amazing restaurants: They are prized above all others for a reason. It’s because they’re — HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT GUY HOLDING IN HIS HAND? EVERYBODY DOWN!

Whew! Excuse me! I don’t know what is going on with my nerves these days. It was very silly of me to mistake that man with the bucket and broom for someone who was up to no good. He is one of the many people who help to keep my streets free of garbage and clutter. I appreciate all the work he does, and I am beyond embarrassed by my reaction just now.

But that brings up an excellent point! I am not just a city where you go to see things and eat well, although of course there’s plenty of chances for you to do that. No, I am also a great example of a city as a city, a place with clean streets but a vibrant club scene, a place where so many different people come together in harmony to make a better life for themselves, a town whose energy never sags or falters or — OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT JUST HAPPENED? DID YOU SEE THAT?

What? A small child chasing after a butterfly? Ugh, so so sorry! You know how you catch something out of the corner of your eye sometimes and your mind envisions the worst possible scenario? I have been sleeping poorly of late — no, nothing for you to concern yourself with, I’ll handle it — so I’m more susceptible to that sort of thing than usual.

But that beautiful, vibrant toddler we just saw loping after a flying insect reminds me: I am very family friendly! My parks are tailored for your small children, my zoos are world-renowned, there are parts of my lesser boroughs where you’d almost be convinced that babies run the show! Bring the whole family, because there’s plenty —

OH GOD.
OH GOD.
OH GOD, THIS IS REALLY IT, ISN’T IT?
OH GOD, PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL IN THIS MY FINAL HOUR. PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS AND RECEIVE ME INTO YOUR BOSOM WITH THE COMPASSION AND UNDERSTANDING YOU BESTOW UPON ALL MISERABLE SINNERS. I —

Oh. Just a cloud passing in front of the sun ever so briefly. Wow, I am tense. You have any Klonopin on you? Eh, don’t worry about it, I know a guy, I’ll have a whole bottle in 30 minutes. That’s what’s so great about me, you can get anything you want at any time!

Listen, I don’t want to cut this short, but I think it’s probably for the best if I run up to my apartment and bolt the door and spend the rest of the day watching reruns of “Law & Order,” may it rest in peace. I really am just not feeling like myself today. Anyway, let me reiterate: This is the most amazing town in the world. You should totally come spend some time here. Please leave any electronic devices at home though; I don’t think my heart could handle it.

See you soon!

Love,
New York City

New York City is comprised of Manhattan and a couple of other places. It is the world’s cultural capital. First settled by the Dutch in the 17th century, New York — OH GOD, I THINK I JUST CRAPPED MY PANTS! WHO LEFT THIS BUNDLE OF TIED-UP NEWSPAPERS NEAR A TRASH CAN WHERE IT COULD EASILY BE CONFUSED FOR AN INCENDIARY DEVICE? YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT IF I SEE SOMETHING I’M GONNA SAY SOMETHING, PAL! WHAT? FUCK ME? FUCK YOU AND YOUR FAMILY, YOU PIECE OF SHIT. YOU WANNA DANCE? I WILL FUCK YOU UP. BRING IT (continues ad infinitum).

A Philadelphia-area mailman has been accused of hoarding some 20,000 pieces of mail, including a $900 check written in December 2007 and a college acceptance letter from earlier that same year, for the past 13 years. “Dave The Mailman,” as he was known to people along his route, currently has unknown whereabouts; the tubs and tubs of mail, which contained a few items postmarked during the Clinton administration, were discovered after he missed a couple of days of work and bosses went to his house to check on him.

If Ozzy Osbourne can be sued, albeit unsuccessfully, for encouraging suicide with a song about alcoholism, then William F. Melchert-Dinkel is in big, big trouble. A 47-year-old licensed nurse from Faribault, Minnesota, Melchert-Dinkel has been charged with two counts of illegally aiding suicide. Prosecutors say that he sought out depressed people on website chatrooms, engaged them in conversation under false pretenses and pushed them to kill themselves-sometimes even making a suicide pact. One that he very rudely would not keep.

The dark story goes like this.

“In March 2008, Nadia Kajouji, 18, disappeared from her college in Ottawa. The Canadian authorities investigating her disappearance searched her laptop and discovered that she had been talking online with a person who used the screen name Cami. In e-mail messages, the authorities say, the pair agreed to a pact in which Ms. Kajouji would jump from a bridge into a river (to avoid, at Cami’s suggestion, the police say, creating a mess) and Cami would hang herself a day later. In April 2008, Ms. Kajouji’s body was found in the Rideau River.”

Twisted Sister’s blonde-mopped frontman Dee Snider will become the third hard rocker with an outsized persona to take on a second life as a televised family man this fall, when A&E; premieres Growing Up Twisted. The show will follow Snider, his wife, and his four offspring — who, surprise, are all trying to “make it in entertainment” — as they have adventures around their Stony Brook, N.Y., home and the general New York metropolitan area. (Anyone want to have a pool on when Mark Metcalf is brought in to whip everyone into shape? I say episode two.) Snider promises that the show will have “a lot more reality” than its brethren, although as someone who stumbled into a taping of Gene Simmons Family Jewels while in New Orleans last fall I’m just going to say that scale is probably really, really relative. But if you’d like to test the veracity of Snider’s claim and are near Atlantic City tomorrow night, the cameras will be rolling when Dee takes the stage at the Hilton as a part of a hard-rock variety hour “I Wanna Rock Live.” (Lita Ford shares the bill, as do two other frontmen whose bands were featured on this list!)

Am I losing my mind? Did I wake up in some strange new place? Is the online front page of the New York Post about the SALT REDUCTION IN THE HEINZ KETCHUP RECIPE? Also, lemme tell you, they are passing along some lies, because “For the first time in 40 years, Heinz ketchup is changing its famous recipe” is a lie, because there’s no way sugar wasn’t swapped out for high fructose corn syrup over the last 40 years.

by Natasha Vargas-Cooper

Richard Rushfield, the preeminent American Idol scholar of our time, and author of the forthcoming Hyperion book ‘American Idol: The Last Empire,’ has long maintained that the television singing competition show is being destroyed by young girls-but helped by older women voters. Natasha Vargas-Cooper, the preeminent scholar of lady sexuality since Camille Paglia went off wherever she did, and author of the forthcoming ‘Mad Men Unbuttoned,’ is not having it.

Natasha: Have you ever seen such a calculated and pandering move the likes of Casey James Singing to Older Ladies this week, with ‘Mrs. Robinson’?

Richard: That was a brilliant maneuver worthy of Von Clausewitz in the annals of stratagem.

Richard: The only thing comparable in American Idol history was when Kristy Lee Cook sang “God Bless the USA,” in terms of pandering to your base.

Natasha: Sun Tzu levels.

Natasha: How would you define Casey James’ base at this point?

Richard: I would say Casey has two things going for him.. The cougars clearly are at the head of the table at Casey James Inc. But he is also the only country/traditional rock person left, so he’s got that demo as well.

Natasha: How powerful is the cougar demographic?

Richard: Well, I think something interesting, a great unreported story, is that cougars may be on the verge of topping tweens in influence.

Natasha: This is a disheartening analysis.

Richard: Certainly at the very least what we have seen now for the past two years is a coalition government between cougars and tweens that propelled both David Cook and Kris Allen to the championship. In combination, that alliance is truly unstoppable

Natasha: Let’s get a working definition of these ladies.

Richard: Well I take a nuanced view of cougars. It used to be something very specific, lounge crawling mid 30’s — late 40’s divorcees, prowling for younger men.

Natasha: Right.

Richard: But now I think it refers to any women say ages 35–55, who are sort of adventurous, outgoing, aggressive in their approach to pop culture.

Natasha: I see them more as an amorphous glob of glitter and leathery skin.

Richard: You take a very close minded traditionalist view of cougardom. I mean, leopard prints are still crucial! They are still part of this! I’m not downplaying that.

Natasha: I know these ladies. In other circles they’d be called ‘scrapbookers’ or ‘security moms’ and I think their cougar influence on Idol is disruptive.

Richard: Well, here’s the thing about the cougars, and this is something that you have to look in the eye, and be willing to see if you can overcome your own hate and prejudices to acknowledge: They have actually shown pretty good taste — within certain confines — in the Idol world.

Richard: At the very least, they have acted as a leavening force on the tweens.

Natasha: This is what happens when a society loses its buffers between an adult world and a tween world. Social hierarchy is subverted and we all lose. If Casey James is the new American Idol then we as a Nation have lost our way.

Richard: Cougars are, at a surface level, motivated by the same things as tweens, a grown up version… looking for the cute boys. BUT Cougardom is not a monolith. They are more diverse and unpredictable then you might think. It has not been all about the pretty face. For instance, this year, I think we can say definitively now, cougardom is in fact divided between Casey and Lee.

Natasha: Both men are of substantial good looks. There are no harelips on the finalist stage.

Richard: Cougars actually are willing to side with the smoldering talents over the pretty face. Chris Daughtry over Ace Young…David Cook over… yes, I mean, there are limits. And let’s face the facts — cougars will never ever support a female contender.

Natasha: Why not?

Richard: Well, it is still about a fantasy displaced sexual fulfillment. That much they share with the tweens.

Natasha: This is the problem, if you call for purity of intention in your ranks.

Natasha: Such as, tweens not just ruthlessly eliminating female contenders in order to secure their access to the Imaginary Boyfriend. So then cougars are even more perverse in their motivations.

Richard: Alright let’s establish some basics here.

Richard: As an Idol historian and an American citizen?

Richard: First of all, I don’t approve, as a general rule, of people expressing their libidos in public. I think people’s sexual desires belong buried in their closets.

Richard: As one who believes the American Idol winner should always be female, clearly the macro effect the cougars have had, particularly in coalition government with the tweens, has been hugely pernicious.

Richard: BUT.

Richard: Looking at the world as a practical man, which I must, dealing with the world I’m given not the world I want, I have to say within the confines of the above caveats, the cougars influence on this coalition has been very sophisticated and for the better.

Natasha: This is where we depart because I think the cougars have a corrosive force in the Idol Dome, as witnessed by the finalist slot being held by Casey James instead of some one like Magnus. I would actually say that more lovely female contenders fall at the rusty blade of the cougars than tweens.

Richard: Well, you know I served as a general in the Magnus Militia, so I feel the pain of that. I condemn their brutality towards the female contenders, who are my people.

Natasha: Well their brutality is much more nefarious sort because it introduces a dangerous element: sex.

Natasha: The motivation of the tweens is pre-sexual. Something without condoms and buttholes. It’s just snuggling or a prom date or whatever.The cougars on the other hand…

Richard: Okay, first of all, watch your language.

Natasha: THEY HAD THEIR TIME TO BE TEENAGERS. THEY CAN’T COME BACK AND HIJACK IT FROM THEIR DAUGHTERS. THEY SHOULD KNOW BETTER.

Richard: While I certainly abhor display of emotions in the public square, I can’t help but applaud the cougar women of an age demanding their rights to do so, as men have been gross for centuries.

Natasha: You cannot point to another country’s secret prison camps and say “Well they do it.”

Richard: I mean, you look at Bon Jovi performing last night, I don’t know who he goes out with, it’s probably someone inappropriately aged. Essentially he is in style and lifestyle a male cougar.

Richard: And that’s not going to be banned anytime soon.

Richard: So instead of doing the impossible- trying to shove Bon Jovi in a closet, why not applaud the women brave enough to stand along side him?

Natasha: No! Cougars bring in a poaching, predatory sexuality into the Idol Dome that I am not at all comfortable with.

Richard: We start from the same place here.

Natasha: Women with c-section scars are not allowed to be crying over the same boys tweens are!

Richard: I am not comfortable with that either. I want a world where Carries and Kellys and Fantasias rule this competition, but that’s never going to happen again.

Natasha: Tweens have earned the right to have pre-sexual desires expressed through text messaging.

Richard: So I can sit here and demand we go back to 2005 or I can accept the world we have and look at it and say, they have actually been pretty smart and sophisticated in their choices.

Natasha: The cougars need to remain a minority. We can throw them some scraps to make sure they don’t revolt and attempt some kind of bedazzled pleather covered coup. They sexualize Idol much more than the tweens do.

Richard: Your tween friends are doing it wrong and in their little adolescent dream date joyride, they are destroying it for everyone and they are the ones who need to be disenfranchised!

Richard: In this world where people are sadly allowed to express their opinions, I think the cougars represent an excellent check and balance on the tweens.

Natasha: I think the tweens will allow a woman to win again. It’s a crisis in leadership.

Richard: Yes, some day a girl will win again.

Natasha: But it will be no thanks to the cougars.

Richard: But she will be like Jordin Sparks, perky, smiley unthreatening.

Natasha: No, let me tell you who she will be like: she will be the next Clarkson.

Richard: You are living in a dream world, wake up and smell the carnage.

Natasha: Listen to me. If we agree on the goal.

Richard: We do!

Natasha: We’d like to see another Clarkson take top prize.

Richard: But your thought about how we would get there is completely misguided and self-deceiving.

Natasha: Then the demo to go with are the tweens not the cougars. Nothing is more terrifying to a cougar than a younger usurper.

Richard: Do you really think those people would ever give Carly a chance? or Megan?

Natasha: Carly is beyond Idoldome. Some people are not meant to lead.

Richard: Who is the brainwashed one here!

Natasha: Just because I enjoy Cormac McCarthy as a novelist doesn’t mean he should command an army. Carly is a wonderful artist but Tween Queen she is not.

Natasha: Do you think cougars will allow a female contestant to win? IN YOUR HEART OF HEARTS?

Richard: No they never will…but the question is:

Richard: Is it better to have Jordin Sparks as a token female winner…

Richard: or…if the cougars had had their way, to take Bo Bice.

Natasha: Look, the Jordin Sparks issue is fraught with emotional and political implication, Jordin Sparks is the late term abortion of Idol Politics.

Richard: Well, this is the real world. You can’t only look at the evidence that suits you.

Natasha: Ultimately, a necessary evil.

Richard: When you dream of the tweens accepting a female champion again, that’s what you’re going to get. So look Jordin in the eye.

Natasha: We all need less attractive friends who will support us in our quest for boyfriends. And to provide a soundtrack to diary-entry writing when you’re grounded.

Richard: You are monsters.

Richard: Shame on you all.

Natasha: How are you going to feel when Casey James wins American Idol?

Richard: I at this point on principle support the Bowersox, even though she is a hippy and yelled at me. But I know that probably cant happen so if it doesn’t, I would be happy for Casey to win. But more important, if/when Lee wins….

Natasha: Will he be my boyfriend?

Richard: He will owe it to the coalition government. You have to acknowledge both parties, in that the world of cougars is not black and white as much as you’d like to paint it that way.

Natasha: There is scarcity in the market.

Natasha: Boyfriends are a commodity.

Natasha: Not a public good.

Natasha: Cougars are freeloaders on tween lust.

Natasha: The invisible hand needs to pull the bra straps back on their shoulder and send them on their way

Richard: Cougars are distillers and perfecters of tween lust. They do it better than the tweens.

Natasha: Cougars shouldn’t be texting unless it’s to tell their husbands what time their mammogram appointment is.

Richard: You know, I think its a beautiful thing that women, after surviving decades of loveless marriages and romantic disappointment, can turn on the television and in the strains of Kris Allen or Bo Bice still believe in that magical place they once sought… but this time, they can paint it with a full palate of oil colors, not just a handful of crayons.

We have received late word from the leader of the tweens herself, the legendary Ashley “Crying Girl” Ferl in response to our inquiries at her twitter account.

She writes: “I know more people my age going for Casey. Only a few think Lee
well for tween crushes. I almost forgot how good otter pops are 🙂 What’s there to understand? Obviously the tween cuteness thing isn’t working out cause if it was aaron would still be there so they must be getting help from the people like kara who think he is ‘hot’ or whatever.”

Her comments were sadly interrupted by math class, which had just begun.

What light this casts on the discussion above is difficult to see, but readers should certainly be advised.

Further N.B. Since no actual voting demographics are available, we are forced to work off anecdotal evidence, which as historians, is not ideal, but sadly all that is available. So don’t you people email us and say ‘You can’t prove this… I’m neither tween nor cougar, we are all Americans!’ We’re making do with the evidence available.