by Sam Biddle

I think, perhaps, there are too many dudes living in this apartment. The din of high fives. The groaning floors and walls. The wet spots. The rattling electronic equipment. The male odors of various and disquieting provenance. Our quaint, slightly cramped two bedroom has taken on some sort of hybridized character between lacrosse locker room and U-boat. Pushing aside a precarious skyline of mostly-empty beer bottles spurs a pang of guilt in me; I never chipped in for these and certainly never will. One tips over and spills a bit of tepid, shit beer on my pant leg. Out, damned spot! This is no place for me to try to get my act together. The grim union of heroin den aesthetic and middle school hangout room isn’t conducive to much of anything. S____ turns on the Xbox. I must make my escape.

The main branch of the New York Public Library is a wonderful place for pretending to make progress. It is regal. It demands greatness. Its woodiness connotes beard-strokes and the delicate biting on the tip of a pencil, eyes raised upward, as one considers the wording of an email to parents, asking for money. The library gives me the opportunity to say “Beaux Arts masterpiece” in casual conversation-which I hope is worth the risk of eventually getting beat up.

In the months before I graduated, I would often wake up before dawn under a swell of anxious terror as I considered the community I was about to be released from. Demographically, college is for the most part a den of America’s worst-east coast ids in sweatpants and uggs. But miserable peers are still peers, and to be a man without context, a feckless monad without room numbers to memorize and quads to cut-this to me was exile.

To sit in the NYPL’s reading room is to be ostensibly part of some enterprise, and to feel good for it. There’s nothing I look forward to more than a friend asking some variation of “So, what exactly… do you do every day?” My usual response would be something along the lines of “Oh, ha ha, yes, wonderful, I was hoping you would ask that unintentionally devastating question. But before I answer-my word! Look! Look behind you! Some sort of explosion! It’s a bear, exploding!” and then I leap out the nearest window.

But now I have an answer. In the library, it is safe. So what that my new peers include this unfortunate looking young woman playing Farmville on a late-90s Toshiba laptop? We’re all on the same team. The gentleman next to me is presenting himself with a rapid fire slideshow of a slender woman’s vacation photo album on Facebook. He hammers his right arrow key, eyes wide in wonder, no doubt planning some sort of future sex crime in his head.

I gingerly unpack the same three books I’ve been carrying along with me each day and lay them down at carefully calculated angles so that their titles will be visible to those at the table. Every afternoon I create this same still life, a diorama of the aspiring writer at work. A glass box could be put up around me and shipped to the Museum of Natural History-”Bearded 23-Year-Old Hominid Slowly Writing First Book Proposal.” I’m hoping that fleshing out my idea for a book will keep my brain from atrophying too much in the interim before some sort of stable work. My intuition is that hoping to support oneself as a writer hasn’t quite reached the status of, say, hoping to support oneself as a professional dinosaur hunter or as a poet. Perhaps somewhere between poet and glassblower in terms of viability? A woman in a striped dress seats herself across the table from me. We make eye contact and I hurriedly snatch up my copy of A Hegel Dictionary and squint at it as she engrosses herself in her computer, which emits a sudden Gmail IM chime. I am unsure of who is fooling whom here. She looks at my backpack, which I’ve had since 10th grade, and I am reminded, with shame, that men in New York are not to carry backpacks, but rather some sort of bespoke tote or rugged leather messenger bag filled with iPads. “You nerd! You damned out of town nerd! With that backpack! What are you, from fucking Kansas?” she thinks at me.

The day wanes and I’ve filled up another page and I’m satisfied. I join R___ and K___, and the three of us rendezvous with another mutual friend and some summer bankers at a hellacious Washington Square sports bar. Were one to hand a 15-year-old boy a check for twenty thousand dollars to renovate his basement, this establishment might be the result. The three rotund, ruddy bankers are seated at a damp table and doodling on a large paper towel, chuckling and leering at each other. I sit down on a stool and introduce myself. “Hey! Nice to meet you man. Hey! Nice to meet you man. Hey! Nice to meet you.” Well, then.

The blonde one next to me abruptly lifts her head, as if directed by scent, her eyes a little watery.

“So where do you go to school,” she asks.

“Oh, I actually just graduated,” I say.

“Oh, congraaaa-aaats! Where are you working now?” she asks.

“Oh, well, I’m still looking for work right now,” I say.

“Oh okay!” she beeps, and starts playing tic-tac-toe by herself with a blue pen. I smile. Her friend, with one of those pristine Republican haircuts that seems like it came from some sort of kevlar mold, pokes her in the shoulder and starts talking about Dave Matthews tickets. The paper towel sheet is almost at capacity and the trio seem frustrated. I’m glad I didn’t order a drink, but I could use a water. I’m a little tired and ready to go home, but eager to sit down in the library again.

Previously: Diary of an Unemployed Class of ’10 Philosophy Major in New York City, Part 1

Sam Biddle is a recent college graduate in New York City.

Photo by audrey_sel from Flickr.

Very recent history:

With readership declining, many papers have folded. Other family-owned papers have been taken over by chains, and corporate ownership is thought to have changed many newspapers’ priorities for the worse.

But yesterday’s events asserted the strengths of a family-run paper, the applicability of Mr. Ochs’s journalistic principles today and the belief that, as the current publisher, Arthur Sulzberger Jr., put it, good journalism is good business.

“Yesterday’s events”-14 years ago this weekend-were part of the New York Times’ centennial celebration of Ochs-Sulzberger family ownership. They culminated in a black tie event at the Met’s Temple of Dendur, where “100 musicians with 100 violins were hired to serenade the guests,” who included then-mayor Rudolph Giuliani, then-governor George Pataki, Mort Zuckerman and more.

Other guests included Joseph Heller, Tina Brown, Harold Evans, Beverly Sills, Brooke Astor, Amanda Burden, Ellen Futter, Abraham D. Beame, Ted Koppel, John Gutfreund, Andre Bishop, Bill Blass and Pauline Trigere. Sam Waterston and Kate Nelligan were there to play Adolph and Effie Ochs. Martha Stewart called the event a birthday party. Others described it as historic.

The first course was lobster tarragon with artichoke and cucumber salad. It actually seems like a very long time ago, right?

by T. J. Clarke

Exams. Graduation. Coffee.

Life is simple now. Preparing for the Bar Exam returns me to a younger state of existence, back to Regents and SAT prep, when scores mattered more than knowledge. The mornings I spend in a classroom-corralled in with people I have not spoken to since 1L year- learning law from a video screen. Lunch is freedom. Then there are afternoon review sessions and practice exams. Not passing is not an option.

“Everyone is in the same boat,” Dree says while stirring the pasta sauce. She takes out a clean spoon and tastes it. “More wine.”

She is making dinner. Dree has the idea that she should only spend $10 per day on food for the months of June and July, so that she can pay for her half of a trip to Cape Cod in August with Jason.

“Why don’t you go to the Hamptons like everyone else in New York?” We are cooking in my kitchen. Dree didn’t factor into her budget the need for kitchen equipment, pots and pans. “The Jersey shore is full of lively attractions too.”

“It’ll be the first weekend after the Bar. We thought it should be somewhere special. And Jason really wants to show me around.” Dree has proved herself to be a dedicated cook of pasta sauces. Last week she made a bolognese that left my apartment smelling like bacon and thyme for days.

“Okay.” I’m disappointed that she didn’t pick up on my “Jersey Shore” joke.

Now that all of the ingredients are in the pot, she is still standing at the stove with a glass of wine in hand, stirring the sauce, leaning in to take in the smell, wiping her index finger across the wooden spoon to test the sauce’s consistency, and then licking her finger clean for a taste. Car horns and rumbling trucks on Atlantic Avenue drown out Dinah Washington playing on my laptop’s speakers. My air conditioner is broken.

Dree is busy filling a second pot with water for the pasta. There are corn breads baking in the oven. The back of her gray t-shirt is damp with sweat. She is wearing an apron but no bra. Her hair is in a loose ponytail that threatens to escape its elastic at any moment. I want to taste the sweat on the back of her neck.

“How are you such a messy cook?” My kitchen has seen better days. The stove top is spattered with dried bits of tomato sauce and diced onions. In the middle of the floor is the garbage can. I take out more paper towels from under the sink to replace the empty roll. The sink is full of half-used bowls and spoons. I pick my knife out of the mess and wash it.

“Stop! I’ll clean up later.” It’s true. The two occasions Dree has made dinner here, she has yet to leave me with a dirty kitchen to clean up afterward. “Make yourself a drink and sit down.” Dree has already taken the gin out of the freezer and is cutting up more lime wedges. She hands me the glass and pushes me toward the dining table. “Get out of my kitchen.”

The defunct air conditioner unit still sits on my window ledge. I shout out to Dree. “Remind me to call my landlord about the AC.” The heat mellows the edge of my anxiety, add the gin and tonic and I stop worrying how I will pay rent in three months. That’s when the student loan money runs out.

T. J. Clarke is the pen name of a struggling writer. She lives in Brooklyn.

Michael Jackson, who is still dead, is a trending topic on Twitter, but as “Micheal Jackson.” And that’s where we are here in June of 2010.

The place: Washington, D.C. More specifically: on the green and yellow lines! The date to save: Next Wednesday, June 30th. Details on next week’s Washington DC Awl Commenter Sing-a-long and Drink-a-thon follow in the comments. (ALSO what happened last night in Boston, eh?)

Nerds: they talk about nerd things. Here, nerds Becky Ferreira and Miles Klee discuss the return/reboot of Futurama, now airing its sixth season on Comedy Central.

Miles Klee: Becky! I was half-watching Fellini’s Satyricon last evening, and there’s this mini-rant from a Roman poet about how Nero’s empire doesn’t produce art or theory, or anything to stimulate the national synapses. Where have all the philosophers gone? Pretty sure they’re writing for Futurama, our animated authority on matters of bioethics, transhumanism and quantum fates. And as luck would have it, my DVR was recording the Futurama reboot at that very moment.

Becky Ferreira: Miles! Are you suggesting that historical periods that under-represent philosophically have just fallen victim to (TRADEMARK KLEE BUZZWORD COMMENCING) chrono-displacement? I am completely on board with the notion that philosophical ideas from all ages have fallen into their various metaphorical cryogenic refrigerators to re-emerge on Futurama. The writers are amazing at asking, both of reality and nonreality, the question (to quote Fry in last night’s “Rebirth”), “Why is those things?” Most prominent among them for me last night was the ever-resilient Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? theme (sort of), featuring Robot Leela’s existential crisis. My heart rate up about 3000% at seeing two Leelas fight.

Miles: It’s tragic that I’ll never have an opportunity to use the phrase “and then she went all Blade Runner,” but that’s not going to stop me from killing conversations with it. Indeed the Philip K. Dickian overtones of “Rebirth” were heart-turning if you stopped to think about them-for starters, there’s the proposition that anything assembled from your DNA, your memories and a heap of stem cells (“Aren’t those controversial?”) is you. You are nothing but data. Your entire personality can be extrapolated from your behavior in the bathroom. The original characters are all dead, their continuity of sentience an illusion. It would be chilling if there weren’t a dancing robot involved.

Becky: Dancing robot = essential! Bender is a great mirror for the human/mutant/crustacean/otherwise carbon-based characters because despite being a collection of scrap metal and circuit boxes programmed to do one menial job, he is generally the most unpredictable one in the bunch (though Farnsworth may have won that title last night, especially when he invoked the Chamber of Understanding. I WANT ONE OF THOSE!). The other main characters are less erratic: Fry wants Leela, Leela wants respect, Zoidberg desperately wants any kind of social or emotional acknowledgment… am I making some kind of point about how the humans are more robotic than the robots? I might be. Anyway, it’s something the writers play with a lot, and chucking a Robot Leela and Robot Fry into the mix was like putting the idea in boldface. Though Robot Leela was identical to carbon-based Leela, there was still something so uncomfortable about her making out with Fry, because we humans aren’t so simple to reproduce, right? However, it was totally hot when Leela and Robot Fry made out to the point of lovesplosion.

Miles: Only the saddest and scoliosisest of nerds would be aroused by a cartoon depiction of androids tongue-kissing, but that brings us to the show’s maybe greatest strength, something it appears they haven’t lost: the emotional core. Does anybody else do bittersweet like Futurama does? You and I have argued a bit over which of the Fry-left-some-loose-ends episodes jerk the most tears (I still say “Jurassic Bark” is twice as devastating as “Luck of the Fryish”); lately, though, I’ve been thinking about Fry’s unlikely friendship/cohabitation with Bender, which entails the occasional discomfort or outright disaster. Yet they constantly enable each other and pursue self-destructive urges, Bender’s rapidly shifting agenda a perfect complement to Fry’s mid-20s apathy. We all know that people and machines are going to start blending into each other-a “Prop 8” episode later this season will tackle the issue of robot-human marriages-what’s funnier is the notion that one day soon, only machines will harbor such a thing as intent.

Becky: Whoa whoa whoa. Before I deal with the rehash of our bittersweet debate, I demand an apology for calling me and my ilk the saddest and scoliosisest of nerds. Way harsh, Klee. Are you really asking me to defend myself for being emotionally involved with Fry and Leela? WITH FRY AND LEELA? Are you really telling me I shouldn’t be moved while watching one of the rare occasions when Leela’s love for Fry is plainly stated instead of hinted at? Seriously, if your heart wasn’t overflowing with vicarious lovesplosions during that scene, then I’ve got news for you: you are already a robot. Cut your arm open, see the wires and scream for a full day just like Robot Leela. Meanwhile, I could die happy knowing that such outsized expression of her devotion to him pulled the ol’ heartstrings, the same way Bender could die happy having tricked Fry to perform mouth-to-ass resuscitation. I’m really packing a lot of episode references in here! Is anyone other than me proud?

Miles: Just bursting with pride.

Becky: Anyway I’m going to finally concede that “Jurassic Bark” is more soul-crushing than “Luck of the Fryish.” I watched them back-to-back recently (yeah, I had some Kleenex handy) and I think the big difference is understanding the loss. Fry gets to realize how his loss affected his brother and the bittersweetness is kind of just a poignant mix of his regrets and reciprocated fraternal love. Seymour just thinks he’s been abandoned. He lives a life of total loyalty and dies not only unfulfilled but unaware that Fry cares about him. It’s like… why not just punch a newborn otter right in the face? You’ll get more or less the same sense of guilt and despair.

Miles: Plus there’s that “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” sound cue to buoy our spirits in “Fryish.”

Becky: Yeah, the ol’ Simple Minds salve does wonders. It’s true that Fry and Bender are sort of the B-story love plot of the show-their relationship is as complex as Fry and Leela’s, if not more. Last time we talked about the Seymour/Yancey episodes, you brought up the idea that fate had somehow screwed up Fry’s existence by placing him in the year 2000, where he was miserable, rather than in the year 3000, where he has a robot friend and a cyclops crush and is generally thrilled and involved in life-so fate messily corrected its error with the (BUZZWORD COMMENCEMENT PART 2) chrono-displacement. Bender is the first character Fry meets after being unfrozen, right? They have immediate chemistry basically because they’re both total misanthropes. Maybe that’s what all our future robot friends will be like-just people we can be around so we don’t have to be around people. Does that make me sound deep? I hope so. I need to sound deep because I’m not sure I made a point there.

Becky: Also, P.S. Did you think the cyclops-eating alien in “Rebirth” was identical to the Terry Gilliam monster that eats a bunch of knights at the end of Monty Python and the Holy Grail?

Miles: I wouldn’t put the Python reference past them, seeing as last night’s second-helping episode, “In-A-Gadda-Da-Leela,” was mainly devoted to certain classic or dated tropes (a suicide attack on a “Death Sphere,” civilization unable to serve its own best interests, the Flash Gordon-like “Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan” framing). This wasn’t even the first time Leela has been in the Twilight Zone-ish position of Eve next to a repulsive Adam, but the biblical spin was a nice counterfactual for the being-born-from-a-vat MacGuffin of “Rebirth,” and it was fantastic to see the Genesis scenario turned on its lady-baiting head with the reveal that it’s artifice fashioned by a dude desperate to get laid. Meanwhile, the V-GINY satellite, an unholy amalgam of military intervention and cultural censorship, was obliterating indecent planets, cutting to the quick of the U.S. situation: wanton violence and sexual repression are two corners to the same Rubik’s cube.

Miles: All told, my thirst for satire and math jokes was sated. But not my thirst for Zoidberg one-liners.

Becky: Agreed. It was a perfect episode pairing. “Rebirth” provided both the philosophical headiness and the plot twists of great episodes like “Roswell that Ends Well” while “In-A-Gadda-Da-Leela” was a weaker but still great pastiche of styles and references and jokes and a healthy dose of Zapp Brannigan. We’re back… to the Futurama!

Becky Ferreira and Miles Klee really are both huge nerds.

“The gulf coastal ecosystem is still under threat from the hundreds of thousands of gallons of crude gushing daily from the hole in the ocean floor. But at least Louisiana’s YouTube fans can relax with the knowledge that they probably won’t be caught in an oil storm. That is, unless there’s a massive hurricane.”

Everybody knows food makes you less hungry. But did you know it makes you smarter, or fatter, or less fat, sort of, except food always has calories, so either you want to eat just some or eat none of it at all? So here’s my ten tips for healthy eating!

10. Only eat birds that you catch with your own hands, as depicted in the painting above. That way you’re not only eating healthy but you’re getting exercise. Also that way you know you’re not eating gross old dead birds. These birds are fresh, yo!

9. Don’t eat food that’s all hot and sweaty and has been out for a couple of days on your floor and/or counter. It’s gross.

8. Only eat while you do super-squats.

7. I once spent most of a year only eating food that came in bar form. I was pretty skinny by the end of it. I guess that was maybe good? Also is awesome, no dishes and stuff. Just unpeel and eat. Very futuristic. Might be healthy?

6. Only eat your words.

5. Pretend you’re a cat. Did cats in the wild eat toasted grain kibble? NO, THEY DID NOT. Cats ate THINGS THEY CAUGHT. So eat the new healthy cat food. It’s almost cheaper than human food anyway.

4. I sure am hungry right now.

3. One good way to eat healthy is to look at tons of recipes online and try and find the best one and all kinds of new things to make because a couple of hours of that, you’re exhausted and then just make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, which is very good for you, if you’re buying decent food, which you should be. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT “LIVE” SPROUTED BREAD? Not quite as gross as it sounds! Honest!

2. If it’s nasty, spit it out. If it’s down, keep it down.

1. I don’t really have a top #1 tip. I’m not sure I really care what you eat! I mean, as long as you’re not dragging me in to McDonald’s, why do I give a fuck? I don’t even KNOW YOU probably! Some food will probably make you feel like garbage and some food will be boring and lots of food is in that sweet spot in the middle-maybe try that? And, even though I’m incredibly attractive and svelte, I’m not really sure why you’d read some list about your eating habits by some random jackass like me on the Internet ? Leave me alone already, okay?

An Insanely Detailed Guide to the 2010 NBA Draft

by Jordan Carr

The NBA Draft: it’s where dreams are made, franchises broken and Patrick O’Bryant mercilessly mocked. Where ESPN TV announcer Jay Bilas goes on and on about teenage boys’ length (and it is still okay to do that without any tinge of irony?), where suits range from the file cabinet to the Colonel Sanders to the vanilla sheriff to whatever this and this are. The draft kicked off with NBA honcho David Stern at the lectern at Madison Square Garden, home of the New York Liberty. He put the Wizards on the clock and then we are treated to a flashback to the Kwame Brown era. That’s a decidedly mean-spirited start. Let the fun begin with the picks.

1. Washington Wizards — John Wall, G, Kentucky
No surprise here, the moment everyone expected, right down to the crying, full-figured mom for whom he just used his shoe contract to buy a house.

2. Philadelphia 76ers — Evan Turner, G, Ohio State
This reminds me of a scene in Just Wright where grossly overpaid 76ers forward Elton Brand tried to convince supertrainer Lesley Wright to work for the 76ers because they have a good team. His pitch went: “We got me… Andre Iguodala.” The entire audience (and it was a packed house) laughed. Now they have Evan Turner too, so that’s nice and he looks sharp in the interview. Is there anyone who can’t be made to look thoughtful if you put glasses on them? A quick cut to Stu Scott answers that question.

3. New Jersey Nets — Derrick Favors, F, Georgia Tech
Jay Bilas calls him a junior version of Dwight Howard, with a wingspan of 7’4″. That seems like a bit much. According to the graphic, Favors must improve his assertiveness. Has that ever happened, besides in movies about a girl making it in the big city? Horrifyingly, some among the Nets faithful have vuvuzelas. These aren’t coming to America, are they? Listen, South Africa, I know it’s nice to have the shoe on the other foot when it comes to cultural imperialism, but at what cost?

4. Minnesota Timberwolves — Wesley Johnson, F, Syracuse

Another unsurprising pick, Wesley Johnson and his pajama pants. This is a tough break for someone from Corsicana, Texas to have to go from Syracuse to Minneapolis. Next stop… Odessa?

5. Sacramento Kings — DeMarcus Cousins, C, Kentucky

There goes the last big talent in this draft. And what a wingspan! He looks incredible in his highlight package. Why does everyone assume he is such a crazy person? Because he was a little overweight and yelled at his coach occasionally? Because he got a few technical fouls in college? Because he’s sullen at combines and during interviews with teams? Those things are underrated in how dehumanizing they are, just because the participants are sometimes compensated with millions of dollars.

In the meantime, John Calipari referred to Cousins’ mom as “Miss Monica.” Approve! Not so sure about the claim that this is the biggest day in the history of the University of Kentucky. Does John Calipari even care about winning or just getting a ton of his players into the NBA?

Let’s go to the Golden State Warriors, who prepared for this pick by trading away a player nicknamed Bad Porn (“there’s lots of penetration and scoring, but are you really enjoying what you’re seeing?”) who was maybe their best player for expiring contracts as part of a series of moves preparing for their eventual, merciful sale, hopefully to Larry Ellison.

6. Golden State Warriors — Ekpe Udoh, F, Baylor
Oy. Ekpe Udoh was Second-Team All-Big 12. Shouldn’t you get someone who is one of the best five players in his conference with the number six pick? Aren’t there dudes on his team named LaceDarius and Tweety who were better than him? Isn’t he 23 years old?

On the other hand, Jay Bilas likes that he’s improved over his career and really helped them beat the vaunted Sam Houston State Bearkats (really).

For what it’s worth, there have been six guys with African names taken in the lottery in the past decade. They are: Hasheem Thabeet, Saer Sene, Ike Diogu, Emeka Okafor, Luol Deng and DeSagana Diop. We have four certified busts, a disappointment (Okafor), and Luol Deng who has been a good player, but whose team is dying to give him away. This statistic, by the way, means nothing.

On the plus side for the Warriors, the new logo is cool.

7. Detroit Pistons — Greg Monroe, F, Georgetown
Stu Scott: “Interestingly, his uncle played football at BYU.” Is that interesting? I’m not sure-maybe it is. I think it’s more interesting that we’re up to our third fat mom in the first seven picks.

8. Los Angeles Clippers — Al-Farouq Aminu, F, Wake Forest

Doesn’t this guy look like a professional athlete (and is Aminu Acid an early frontrunner for his nickname)? So far just about everyone has compared his look to Steve Urkel’s, so I’ll just add that he also sounds like Urkel, only with a bad cold. It’s really indescribable. Also, his smile melted into a look of horror when the Mark Jones mentioned the Clippers’ lack of positive karma.

9. Utah Jazz — Gordon Hayward, F, Butler

And there it is. Jay Bilas is unimpressed with Hayward, saying he will struggle defensively, is not really good at shooting, nor is he especially athletic, or strong, going on to compare him to old Oregon bust Luke Jackson. Ouch. Then we are treated to circumstantial evidence of HGH usage, by way of a graphic where we learn he was 5’4″ in 8th Grade and 6’8″ as a senior in high school. Do regular humans grow like that? Science says: sometimes!

10. Indiana Pacers — Paul George, F, Fresno State
The Pacers take some dude with two first names from basketball powerhouse Fresno State. He holds the school record for free throw percentage, so there. And again, an All-WAC Second Team performer. Isn’t this a bad idea, to take a dude who was not one of the five best players in a second-tier conference? We’re told he has good upside potential though.

11. New Orleans Hornets — Cole Aldrich, C, University of Kansas

I’ve made my feelings on him felt here, and the Eric Montross comparison was probably too harsh, but I remain unimpressed. For some reason, ESPN chatter Fran Fraschilla gets to do the breakdown, despite Aldrich being the exact opposite in just about every way of the foreign guys he normally covers.

Aldrich and Morris Peterson are being traded to Oklahoma City for the 18th and 23rd pick. Aldrich certainly can get after Nenad Krstic’s minutes, and the Hornets dump some more salary. Is there any chance that Chris Paul does not demand a trade within a year?

12. Memphis Grizzlies — Xavier Henry, G, Kansas
We go back-to-back Kansas players, and this one I like (I mean, it’s pronounced “Zah-vee-ay”). This pick certainly seems like an admission that Rudy Gay is gone. Should I be concerned that I’m agreeing with Michael Heisley?

Xavier is shedding tears, probably of joy at a lifetime’s worth of hard work paying off in such a concrete way, although it is reminiscent of Steve Francis’s crying fit upon being selected by the then-Vancouver Grizzlies.

13. Toronto Raptors — Ed Davis, F, North Carolina
Well, at least they’ve made their peace with Chris Bosh’s departure. We’re getting some good footage of his dad Terry playing in the NBA in the early ‘90s rocking a high-top fade, because we’re apparently to the point where the children of the high-top faded are professional athletes.

14. Houston Rockets — Patrick Patterson, F, Kentucky

Another Kentucky guy, which makes it three in the first round. They last did that in 1996, with three of Malcolm Gladwell’s underdogs: Antoine Walker, Tony Delk and Walter McCarty. In news entirely unrelated to 1996, Tom Cruise (who is at his Jerry Maguire best!) and Cameron Diaz are starring in an action-comedy summer blockbuster, which for some reason has elected to run 1500 ads during the draft.

15. Milwaukee Bucks — Larry Sanders, F, Virginia Commenwealth

Hey now! The Larry Sanders Show comes to the NBA. Perhaps counterintuitively, the rep on him is very coachable and very easy to get along with. Good pick by Rip Torn.

16. Portland — Luke Babbitt, F, Nevada
This was Minnesota’s pick, which was sent to Portland along with Ryan Gomes for Martell Webster. This probably makes sense for both teams.

17. Chicago Bulls — Kevin Seraphin, F, France
Now Chicago’s gone all in on the hunt for LeBron by trading away their pick and Kirk Hinrich to the Wiz, so they’re presumably selecting for them. Seraphin is from French Guyana, not actual France, and continues the trend of France only producing black NBA players.

Meanwhile, Kevin Durant is pretending Cole Aldrich is going to be a game changer.

18. Oklahoma City Thunder — Eric Bledsoe, G, Kentucky
The Thund trade Eric Bledsoe for a future number one from the Clippers. That’s going to look real good if/when the Clippers continue to be terrible. Bledsoe’s impact will certainly depend on whether or not Baron Davis bothers to get in shape this offseason.

19. Boston Celtics — Avery Bradley, G, Texas
Or is it Bradley Avery? No, it’s Avery Bradley. Bradley shot just over 50% from the line in college. The plan there is to load up on point guards who can’t shoot free throws. I’m intrigued.

20. San Antonio Spurs — James Anderson, G, Oklahoma State
Jon Barry is really raining on all parades, suggesting that it is time to blow up the Spurs and start over. He’s probably right. This guy actually played well in college, which one might guess is a predictor of future success. The Spurs never do anything stupid.

21. Oklahoma City (but really, New Orleans) — Craig Brackins, F, Iowa State
He can really score from all over, but maybe he was soft. Also, he loves skateboarding. How does Iowa State ever recruit anyone? It’s in freaking Ames, Iowa. Their recent record with producing NBA talent is pretty spotty, with Jamaal Tinsley, Puerto Rico-leaguer Marcus Fizer, as their most noteworthy post-Hornacek alums.

Next pick to Portland, whose fired GM, the well-reputed Kevin Pritchard will be making their selections.

22. Portland Trail Blazers — Elliot Williams, G, Memphis
Pritchard really should have intentionally botched this pick. A wasted opportunity for him.

23. Minnesota Timberwolves — Trevor Booker, F, Clemson

We have our first senior. He looks to be in his late thirties-maybe it’s just relative to everyone else.

Minnesota sent Trevor Booker and the 56th pick to Washington in exchange for the 30th and 35th pick. You rarely see the draft pick sandwich trade.

24. Atlanta Hawks — Damion James, F, Texas
Well, that doesn’t exactly tip their hand as to whether or not they expect Joe Johnson to be back (I don’t) but that they didn’t go with Dominique Jones or Jordan Crawford says they are banking on his return, for now.

25. Memphis Grizzlies (sold to Dallas Mavericks) — Dominique Jones, G, South Florida
Jones talks with his plumber dad five times per day. Can you imagine? What about?

26. Oklahoma City Thunder — Quincy Pondexter, F, Washington
In classic sports fashion, he’s a tough guy who’s performed as a dancer in a production of The Nutcracker — the NBA’s Patrick Swayze. There will be a training montage of him showing the rest of the team how to do ballet next season, right?

27. New Jersey Nets — Jordan Crawford, G, Xavier
They’re trading him for 24th pick Damion James and the 31st pick. Ok, so there’s the “we don’t expect to see Joe Johnson come back” giveaway. Crawford’s a scorer, but he’s still most famous for that time he dunked on LeBron.

28. Memphis Grizzlies — Greivis Vasquez, G, Maryland
Greivis gave a pretty epic fist pump and got mobbed by his posse when he got picked-a nice moment, and he should be excited about getting that guaranteed first-round money. He is only second guy to show emotion thus far.

29. Orlando Magic — Daniel Orton, C, Kentucky
And Kentucky gets their fifth first-rounder picked. What was the point of this pick? Orton averaged 3 points and rebounds per game. What is the worst college line of a productive NBA player? Does it approach that? On the plus side we get to watch lots of footage of him failing to say “Hi I’m Daniel Orton, you’re watching the 2010 NBA Draft on ESPN.”

30. Washington Wizards — Lazar Hayward, F, Marquette
How Lazar? That ends the first round.

ROUND 2

31. New Jersey (but really Atlanta, who is selling it to Oklahoma City) — Tibor Pleiss, C, Germany
Deputy Commissioner Adam Silver comes out to raucous cheers and chants of his name. Tibor’s highlights were all culled from a very green gymnasium smaller than any high school gym. Not exactly big time competition, I’m guessing.

32. Miami Heat — Dexter Pittman, C, Texas

I like this one. He’s a real big guy who is incredible at taking up space and can dominate for up to two minutes at a time. What’s more fun than that? And hey, he’s lost 100 pounds since high school to drop to about 300 now. If it’s not clear by now, I have a soft spot for our big friends.

33. Sacramento Kings — Hassan Whiteside, C, Marshall
Bilas: “He could be Patrick O’Bryant, [or] he could be an excellent pro.” Is Patrick O’Bryant really the worst possible outcome of a draft pick?

34. Portland Trail Blazers — Armon Johnson, G, Nevada
Doesn’t it seem unlikely that Nevada had two top-35 pick caliber talents, considering they were not that good? (Same question asked about Texas gets a Rick Barnes waiver).

35. Washington Wizards (but really Minnesota) — Nemanja Bjelica, F, Serbia.
Fran Fraschilla makes the requisite Toni Kukoc comparison-every draft has a Euro compared to him at some point. Fran makes the point that Serbians aren’t spoiled because it’s “a low income country.”

Also, Bjelica broke his leg and while rehabbing met the lady he would later marry. Not to go to this again, but THAT WAS THE EXACT PLOT OFÂ JUST WRIGHT.

36. Detroit Pistons — Terrico “Suave” White, G, Mississippi
He is the youngest of eight children. He also kinda looks like a turtle.

37. Milwaukee Bucks — Darrington Hobson, F, New Mexico
We have a winner for the Wesley Snipes Award for whitest name for a black guy, especially if you go with a silent “H” in Hobson.

38. New York Knicks — Andy Rautins, G, Syracuse
He’s not LeBron, but if he’s Jason Kapono, it’s a good pick at this point. The crowd liked it.

39. New York Knicks — Landry Fields, F, Stanford
I don’t know what to tell you guys about this pick. He sure scored a lot last year, but I don’t see him scoring all that much in the NBA.

40. Indiana Pacers — Lance Stephenson, G, Cincinnati
New York state’s high school basketball’s all-time leading scorer is off the board. Surely he’s better than Sebastian Telfair, right?

41. Miami Heat — Jarvis Varnado, F, Mississippi State
He blocks shots and does nothing else, besides have a cool last name.

42. Miami Heat — Da’Sean Butler, F, West Virginia

He blew out his knee in the NCAA Tournament, costing himself millions of dollars. Kids, the second you have a chance to get that NBA money, just get it. You can always go back to college, but you’re only young and a good athlete once.

Also, I really like the addition of a salary cap guru to the NBA Draft coverage. It makes sense of such trades as the one where Miami sent Daequan Cook and the number 18 pick to Oklahoma City for the 32nd pick. The purpose: to unload Cook’s contract to put them in contention for free agents and not have to pay first-round pick money.

43. Los Angeles Lakers — Devin Ebanks, F, West Virginia
Probably a good pick as he was a projected lottery pick at one point. You can’t really go wrong with these picks.

44. Milwaukee Bucks — Jerome Jordan, C, Tulsa
If your team is one of the many taking a center in the second round, you may be wondering: will we find a diamond in the rough at the five in the second round? My unofficial look through prior ten drafts turns up DeAndre Jordan, Marc Gasol, Marcin Gortat, Dan Gadzuric and Mehmet Okur, if he counts, as solid NBA centers. By those odds there’s roughly a 50% chance one of these many centers taken in the second round will turn out to be a serviceable NBA player. Not great odds.

45. Minnesota Timberwolves — Paulao Prestes, C, Brazil
Paulao is the most Portuguese name evar. He looks like a pretty nimble oaf, and I mean that in a good way.

46. Phoenix Suns — Gani Lawal, F, Georgia Tech
Two years in a row with a palindrome for a last name in the second round. Last year it was Sergio Llull.

47. Milwaukee Bucks — Keith “Tiny” Gallon, F, Oklahoma

ESPN ran a mock draft where they had players from each team do their team’s pick. They had Brandon Jennings pick for Milwaukee and he took Keith “Tiny” Gallon, who nobody ever thought would go much higher than this — he was probably just stumping for his high school teammate. In any case, I’m not sure whether or not Bucks fans should be happy or alarmed by a “less in shape, maybe more skilled Glen Davis” comparison. In the second round, that seems like a good gamble.

48. Miami Heat — Latavious Williams, F, Tulsa 66ers (NBDL)
So, Latavious (anagram: “u so Latvia”) didn’t go to college, and instead played in the D-League. Which reminds me, is there a more spiteful gift for a (the?) Memphis Grizzlies fan than a Hasheem Thabeet Dakota Wizards jersey? I say not.

49. San Antonio Spurs — Ryan Richards, F, England
He played for something called BBC Monthey. And his potential downside warrants another shot at Patrick O’Bryant. This is getting mean-spirited. He’s still technically is an NBA player.

50. Dallas Mavericks — Solomon Alabi, C, Florida State
According to ESPN’s Chad Ford, he is smart enough to be a physicist. Between him and Myron Rolle, my ability to prejudge Florida State athletes is going out the window. At least we still have Arizona State.

Alabi is sent to Toronto for a future second round pick and financial considerations, which replaced cash considerations at some point within the past few years.

51. Oklahoma City Thunder — Magnum Rolle, C, Lousiana Tech
With a name like that, he’ll be ready to do porn and/or fight crime on day one. Also, Dallas clearly reneged on their pledge to take the best name on the board, which clearly was Magnum Rolle.

52. Boston Celtics — Luke Harangody, F, Notre Dame
I’ve heard he’s been working with Sean Marks and Brian Scalabrine on his back-slapping and clapping form. And yet I don’t see him ever getting to their level.

53. Atlanta Hawks — Pape Sy, F, Senegal
I’ve got a job on for a Senegalese? Maybe not. Fran Fraschilla does not think he is going to make it into the NBA, unless I’m reading into his analysis of the pick, which consisted of him saying, “Good for Pape Sy.”

54. Los Angeles Clippers — Willie Warren, G, Oklahoma
Again, if you can get someone who was once considered a lottery talent this late, it’s probably not a bad pick.

55. Utah Jazz — Jeremy Evans, F, Western Kentucky
Our first Hilltopper picked… He probably won’t become the first black Utah draftee to make it through a full season with the team since Morris Almond in 2007.

56. Minnesota Timberwolves — Hamani Ndiaye, C, Rutgers
Half the second round is shotblockers who can’t score.

57. Indiana Pacers — Ryan Reid, F, Florida State
Ok, maybe it’s not always a good idea to turn pro as a freshman. Jay Bilas clearly thinks he has no future in the NBA, saying little more than, “Good for him.”

58. Los Angeles Lakers — Derrick Caracter, F, UTEP
Interestingly, had character issues during his time at Louisville, as chronicled in that one New York Times piece about his turnaround. The lesson Caracter took away from the whole experience: “Some guys aren’t built for college.”

59. Orlando Magic — Stanley Robinson, F, Connecticut
Meh. Take me home, Silver.

60. Phoenix Suns — Dwayne Collins, F, Miami
Ooh, he he has a chance to become the second-most famous athlete from the University of Miami to be named Dwayne.

SOME CLOSING THOUGHTS

On the whole, this was a fairly predictable draft, and it seems unlikely any bad teams made themselves relevant or that any good teams upgraded, with a possible exception for the Thunder.

In any case, all the events of the day were overshadowed by machinations of the Heat, Bulls, Knicks and Nets, all of whom are trying to unload as many contracts as possible to secure LeBron, Dwyane Wade, Amaré Stoudemire, and everyone else on July 1 when free agency opens up. Until then, odds are your team is more or less as good as it was before tonight.

Jordan Carr is one of The Awl’s summer reporters. He will not be allowed to cover basketball in the future. (Kidding!)

“Nobody wants to see a guy who’s 74 hitting on a woman of any age. But I don’t want to make geriatric movies about old people because they bore me too.”
-Woody Allen is having a hard time with getting older.