Friday, June 26th, 2009
29

Who Killed Michael Jackson?

No kidding
In the wake of the pop icon's passing, the main questions emerging seem to center around responsibility and blame. But isn't there enough of both to go around? As an answer and a valedictory, we offer you the following poem.

"Who killed Michael Jackson?"
"I," said the Doctor,
"From my needle he got that last Demerol shot.
I killed Michael Jackson."

"Who saw him die?"
"I," said TMZ,
"Well, it either was me or the guys from ET.
I saw him die."

"Who spread the word?"
"We," said the Herd.
"We Tweeted it along-
although we spelled his name wrong.
We spread the word."

"Who'll make the rounds?"
"I," said Corey Feldman.
"It's a sad day for me, but I'm pretty much free.
I'll make the rounds."

"Who'll dig his grave?"
"We," said the Papers,
"It's rough and unsteady, but we're down here already.
We'll dig his grave."

"Who'll gather the eulogies?"
"We," said the Larry King Bookers.
"In this chaotic scene we got Cher and Celine.
We'll gather the eulogies."

"Who'll shed the tears?"
"I," said Madonna.
"It might seem insincere
But I'll cry for a year.
(Point that camera here.)
I'll shed the tears."

"Who'll settle the estate?"
"We," said the Lawyers.
"There's not much to seize, but we'll still bill our fees.
We'll settle the estate."

"Who'll sing the song?"
"We," said the Siblings.
"While we're clearly much grieved, we are also relieved.
We'll sing the song."

"Who'll toll the bell?"
"I," said the Blogger
"Though I'm kind of irate that it carries such weight
There's no way to pass up this much traffic linkbait.
I'll toll the bell."

And the folks on the web kept their posts right on top,
When they heard the bell toll for the poor King of Pop.

29 Comments / Post A Comment

Ted Maul (#205)

Bravo!

KarenUhOh (#19)

Michael feels, at last, an end to his troubles,
While the media struggles on, for a 'Get' of Bubbles.

brianvan (#149)

omg. great.

delrayser (#319)

Agreed. This is fantastic. Well done, Balk.

Tuna Surprise (#573)

"Who'll unleash the snark?
"We," said the commenters.
"There's nothing to mourn he was over before we were born"
We'll unleash the snark."

alison (#14)

nicely done!

Kataphraktos (#226)

"A post-mortem examination is now being carried out by Dr Lakshmanan Sathyavagiswaran who was a witness in the OJ Simpson case."

WTF.

Perhaps you could somehow incorporate this into the unabridged version, along with Tuna's piece?

Fredrick (#268)

And to think, I was almost afraid to read this.

hman (#53)

Really. I can't read any other MJ stuff after this.

ljnd (#86)

*salutes Balk*

oudemia (#177)

Perfect.

Matt (#26)

This is right up there with the en-Cock'ed Of Mice and Men. Brilliant, sir.

meerkat (#228)

My thoughts exactly. Brilliant!

hazmathilda (#839)

This is me during this post:

http://tinypic.com/r/v95kp/5

Abe Sauer (#148)

Now THIS made me less stupid, as promised.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

"Be less stupid" is not a command, it's a magic spell.

"I," said Dave Bry.
(just another incident in a lifetime of regret
tho' he's not buried yet.)
"I," said Dave Bry.

chrissth (#250)

Yes, yes.
Bravo, sir.

Bubbles. Bubbles killed Jacko.

dweeb (#437)

Couldn't rhyme anything with Nation of Islam?

dweeb (#437)

Minister Farrakhan. My bad.

MercuryPDX (#65)

[Applauds wildly]

Balk be nimble, Balk be quick
Balk be writing the Jackson shtick!

missdelite (#625)

It's Shakespearean.

PandoraSpocks (#977)

Fabulous Balk.

Crunchbird (#1,002)

Well done.

dongrey (#1,101)

"Who can make a lot of money on his absence from the mail"
"I" said Martin Bashir
"It's a pity he's so trusting"
"He doesn't know what's coming"
"And I'm laughing all the way to the bank"

http://views-on-the-news.blogspot.com/2009/07/who-killed-michael-jackson.html

davide1982 (#1,105)

I wonder why everyone now consider only drugs misuse as the main reason of Michael Jackson's sudden death!?!? There were plenty of events contributed to his poor health that happened quite before the recent times. Here I've tried to list all of them:

http://www.myhowtoos.com/en/red-hot/85-what-really-killed-michael-jackson-full-list

sam156 (#1,151)

hello
he was a thief and desieves to die i was there when he died and will love to be the one who did the killing

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