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Friday, June 26, 2009

29

Who Killed Michael Jackson?

No kidding
In the wake of the pop icon's passing, the main questions emerging seem to center around responsibility and blame. But isn't there enough of both to go around? As an answer and a valedictory, we offer you the following poem.

"Who killed Michael Jackson?"
"I," said the Doctor,
"From my needle he got that last Demerol shot.
I killed Michael Jackson."

"Who saw him die?"
"I," said TMZ,
"Well, it either was me or the guys from ET.
I saw him die."

"Who spread the word?"
"We," said the Herd.
"We Tweeted it along-
although we spelled his name wrong.
We spread the word."

"Who'll make the rounds?"
"I," said Corey Feldman.
"It's a sad day for me, but I'm pretty much free.
I'll make the rounds."

"Who'll dig his grave?"
"We," said the Papers,
"It's rough and unsteady, but we're down here already.
We'll dig his grave."

"Who'll gather the eulogies?"
"We," said the Larry King Bookers.
"In this chaotic scene we got Cher and Celine.
We'll gather the eulogies."

"Who'll shed the tears?"
"I," said Madonna.
"It might seem insincere
But I'll cry for a year.
(Point that camera here.)
I'll shed the tears."

"Who'll settle the estate?"
"We," said the Lawyers.
"There's not much to seize, but we'll still bill our fees.
We'll settle the estate."

"Who'll sing the song?"
"We," said the Siblings.
"While we're clearly much grieved, we are also relieved.
We'll sing the song."

"Who'll toll the bell?"
"I," said the Blogger
"Though I'm kind of irate that it carries such weight
There's no way to pass up this much traffic linkbait.
I'll toll the bell."

And the folks on the web kept their posts right on top,
When they heard the bell toll for the poor King of Pop.

29 Comments / Post A Comment

Ted Maul
Ted Maul (#205)

Bravo!

KarenUhOh
KarenUhOh (#19)

Michael feels, at last, an end to his troubles,
While the media struggles on, for a 'Get' of Bubbles.

brianvan
brianvan (#149)

omg. great.

delrayser
delrayser (#319)

Agreed. This is fantastic. Well done, Balk.

Tuna Surprise
Tuna Surprise (#573)

"Who'll unleash the snark?
"We," said the commenters.
"There's nothing to mourn he was over before we were born"
We'll unleash the snark."

alison
alison (#14)

nicely done!

Kataphraktos
Kataphraktos (#226)

"A post-mortem examination is now being carried out by Dr Lakshmanan Sathyavagiswaran who was a witness in the OJ Simpson case."

WTF.

Perhaps you could somehow incorporate this into the unabridged version, along with Tuna's piece?

Fredrick
Fredrick (#268)

And to think, I was almost afraid to read this.

hman
hman (#53)

Really. I can't read any other MJ stuff after this.

ljnd
ljnd (#86)

*salutes Balk*

oudemia
oudemia (#177)

Perfect.

Matt
Matt (#26)

This is right up there with the en-Cock'ed Of Mice and Men. Brilliant, sir.

meerkat
meerkat (#228)

My thoughts exactly. Brilliant!

hazmathilda
hazmathilda (#839)

This is me during this post:

http://tinypic.com/r/v95kp/5

Abe Sauer
Abe Sauer (#148)

Now THIS made me less stupid, as promised.

Tulletilsynet
Tulletilsynet (#333)

"Be less stupid" is not a command, it's a magic spell.

TerseNursePornstein

"I," said Dave Bry.
(just another incident in a lifetime of regret
tho' he's not buried yet.)
"I," said Dave Bry.

chrissth
chrissth (#250)

Yes, yes.
Bravo, sir.

resipsaloquacious

Bubbles. Bubbles killed Jacko.

dweeb
dweeb (#437)

Couldn't rhyme anything with Nation of Islam?

dweeb
dweeb (#437)

Minister Farrakhan. My bad.

MercuryPDX
MercuryPDX (#65)

[Applauds wildly]

MisterHippity

Balk be nimble, Balk be quick
Balk be writing the Jackson shtick!

missdelite
missdelite (#625)

It's Shakespearean.

PandoraSpocks
PandoraSpocks (#977)

Fabulous Balk.

Crunchbird
Crunchbird (#1,002)

Well done.

dongrey
dongrey (#1,101)

"Who can make a lot of money on his absence from the mail"
"I" said Martin Bashir
"It's a pity he's so trusting"
"He doesn't know what's coming"
"And I'm laughing all the way to the bank"

http://views-on-the-news.blogspot.com/2009/07/who-killed-michael-jackson.html

davide1982
davide1982 (#1,105)

I wonder why everyone now consider only drugs misuse as the main reason of Michael Jackson's sudden death!?!? There were plenty of events contributed to his poor health that happened quite before the recent times. Here I've tried to list all of them:

http://www.myhowtoos.com/en/red-hot/85-what-really-killed-michael-jackson-full-list

sam156
sam156 (#1,151)

hello
he was a thief and desieves to die i was there when he died and will love to be the one who did the killing

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