America is growing stupider, and Florida is leading the way. Here’s a short documentary film about it.

He’ll be a super-famous celebrity spawn but your ogling eyes should know that Patrick Schwarzenegger doesn’t turn 18 until September, 2011.

How are we doing sex to each other these days? In a pleasantly diversified fashion! According to research from the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, we are doing sex in 41 combinations of the following: “penile-vaginal intercourse, solo masturbation, partnered masturbation, oral sex and anal sex.” While penis-vagina remains a safe and popular investment, we’re seeing strong growth in almost all sectors.

Although it may be reaching a point where it no longer has room for expansion, I remain bullish on oral sex: “Eighty-eight percent of men aged 30–39 have performed oral sex on a woman. Almost 69 percent did it in the past year. Eighteen percent of boys aged 16–17 have given a girl oral sex in the past year. More than 10 percent of men in three age groups have given oral sex to another man.” Hahaha, 69!

The broader market also shows the increasing upside to anal: “The Laumann study found that about 12 percent of women aged 25–29 had experienced anal sex in the previous year. Now it’s doubled. The new study found that 21 percent of women in that age group had anal sex in the last year. By the time girls are 19, the new study shows, 20 percent have had anal sex at least once.”

And, of course, the perennial popularity of masturbation makes that position a strong hold.

While there are some signs of gloom in the forecast-oropharyngeal cancer may prove to be the collateralized debt obligations of the Blowjob Composite-increased vaccinations and the rise of condom-backed securities indicate that we will be spared a meltdown similar to the one that occurred back in May (which federal investigators have said was the result of a single act of docking in Overland Park, Kansas). We have finally built a market that is too big to fail. I urge everyone to get in.

Awl pal Katie Baker-Bakes looks at “a sports scandal so bleak and bizarre that it makes the Tonya Harding affair seem like a polite misunderstanding.” It’s pretty disturbing.

Geeks v. hipsters: can’t we all just stop fighting and learn to enjoy each other’s videogames and/or facial hair?

It’s never a good idea to go to Canada. And there were some other bad choices here-such as keeping the phone in “roaming” mode in a “foreign country,” which, yes it is Canada but they do have a phone network. But no one should have to suffer like film publicist Reid Rosefelt: “I went to the Toronto Film Festival for 5 days and 4 hours and received a $1524 AT&T; bill for data charges on top of the $199 paid for the first 200 MB. A total of $1723.” And it ends… not well! “Eventually I found a sympathetic operator who filed a 4-page application for a full refund. On Friday I received a text saying there would be no reduction of any kind. An operator confirmed that there would be no explanation for the denial or any possibility of reconsideration.” AT&T; breaks up with customers by text! So modern. (via)

The reviews are beginning to come in for Lydia Davis’ new translation of Madame Bovary; meanwhile she writes of her unknown friends and enemies: all the previous translators (“For a while I liked Joan Charles….”)

“The portions of food I was offered were at least twice the size of those I’d been used to in the UK. Next I just didn’t move as much in my daily life over there. And finally, the real problem was that, because lots of other people were big, it just didn’t bother me that I was getting bigger too.”
-Restaurant manager Clare Patten gained approximately 50 pounds during the 8 years she spent in America. The Knifecrime Island native blames our abundant, edible food (“In America I would have pancakes with fried sausages for breakfast, a large cheese panini or a whole pizza for lunch. Then I’d pick all evening on things like fatty dips and parmesan bread before having chicken nuggets and fries for dinner at about 11pm after work. I also drank litres of diet cola. I could easily chow down a whole packet of biscuits in a day and a big pack of M&M;’s as well.”) and lack of mobility for her increase in bulk. Back home in Britain, Clare has regained her former figure by a combination of diet (consuming less food) and exercise (running from people with knives).

The subscription model of government: “In this rural section of Tennessee, Gene Cranick’s home caught on fire. As the Cranicks fled their home, their neighbors alerted the county’s firefighters, who soon arrived at the scene. Yet when the firefighters arrived, they refused to put out the fire, saying that the family failed to pay the annual subscription fee to the fire department. Because the county’s fire services for rural residences is based on household subscription fees, the firefighters, fully equipped to help the Cranicks, stood by and watched as the home burned to the ground… The fire reportedly continued for hours ‘because garden hoses just wouldn’t put it out. It wasn’t until that fire spread to a neighbor’s property, that anyone would respond’ — only because the neighbor had paid the fee.”

Why, look, it’s “the Only Known Freestanding, Mid-19th Century Wooden Country House Remaining in the Northwestern Section” of Crown Heights!

A brief recent history:
2006: Landmarked by the city; sold for $800,000.
2007: Listed for sale at $799,000.
2008: Listed for sale at $699,000.
2009: Listed for sale at $425,000.
2010: Currently listed for sale at $299,900.