If you work on the web, freelance on the web, or have any interest in business on the web, you absolutely must read the astonishing AOL plan and guide to “content” that was obtained by Nicholas Carlson at Business Insider. Obviously, they are increasing pageviews, amount of “content” published, while decreasing the amount paid for content. That’s because that’s how corporations work. Warning: reading this will be rough going, as it is full of jargon and b.s. and corporate blah blah, but the thing has rewards on every page. (I mean, yes: “Benadryl for Dogs” cost $15!) This is how it all really works! This is the real deal! Here’s just two things.

Here’s what writer to use for stories.

This needs no preface.

LADY GAGA PANTSLESS SEX PARIS SEX PANTS GAGA BEYONCÉ TEN BEST TIPS FOR PANTS IN PARIS SHOPPING GAGA TWITTER SHARE ON FACEBOOK SEX.

This Thursday you probably want to head over to (Le) Poisson Rouge for the fifth anniversary of the Varsity Letters reading series, which will feature, among others, Awl pals Katie Baker, Ben Cohen, Dan Shanoff and Will Leitch. Good times.

by Abe Sauer

One week ago today, Congress embraced a demonstration of cross-party goodwill and did the unthinkable — just by sitting together during the President’s State of the Union address. The plan, championed early by Senator Mark Udall (D-CO), turned the event into a “prom,” in that everyone made a bigger deal of it than necessary, a bunch of cool kids called it “lame” (and went anyway) and the headliner for the night just did bad covers.

Participants threw themselves into the one night fantasy with abandon, refusing to face the fact that their date probably just wanted to use them. Congress is, indeed, just another word for sex.

In the end, like any prom, the whole thing was sentimental bullshit, with the real action happening elsewhere. See, when it comes to rhetoric, Democrats like Mark Udall and Republicans like John McCain of Arizona, put on like they have so little in common that sitting together is a some kind of monstrous victory for cooperation.

But both sides have one huge thing in common: Taking thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars from the exact same corporate donors.

McCain sat at the SOTU with Udall’s cousin, Tom (D-NM). On the surface, these two were pitched as stereotypically polar opposites. Yet McCain and Udall share campaign funding from, amongst others, Accenture, AFLAC, America’s Health Insurance Plans, AT&T, Coca-Cola, Comcast, Eli Lilly and Co., General Electric, Lockheed Martin, Goldman Sachs, Honeywell and BNSF Railway. From that last, Udall has taken $18,000 in recent years, while, in the same period, McCain has accepted $15,000 (not counting the thousands the old man took from BNSF during his Presidential run.) In fact, McCain and Udall nearly ran into each other in June of 2009, when Udall took $5,000 on the 19th, just five days before McCain himself accepted BNSF’s $5,000.

Let’s look at some of the others in Congress who made such a big deal about being so different that just sitting together demonstrated some great compromise.

Pennsylvanians Pat Toomey (R) and Bob Casey (D) set their differences aside to sit together and represent the “Virtue, Liberty and Independence” state. The “independence” part of the motto appears open to interpretation, as despite being from such wildly disagreeable sides of the aisle, Toomey and Casey agree on AFLAC, AT&T, Bayer Corp., AETNA, H.J. Heinz and GlaxoSmithKline. They certainly agree on Air Products & Chemicals Inc. which has given the elected pair $15,000 in the last couple years. Though, we wonder if Casey knows that on Oct. 5, 2010, the day after Pfizer cut him a check for $2,000, it turned around and gave Toomey one for $5,000? Awwwwwkward.

Illinois Senators Mark Kirk (R) and Dick (D) sucked it up for the cameras and sat together. Of course, they’ve sucked it up together before. Amongst the names that can be found on accounting sheets of both include Accenture, BNSF, AFLAC, Blue Cross Blue Shield, BP, the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, Lockheed Martin and the Political Action Committee of the National Mining Association (which, to its friends, is better known by its great Bond Villain name, “COALPAC”). The duo’s cooperative highlights from the last few years include $17,000 from Abbott Laboratories and $23,000 from the Chicago Board Options Exchange. It seems that taking money from the same donors that give to Democrats is something Kirk is capable of doing “liberally.” We wonder if sitting together was as awkward for Kirk and Durbin as that day — Jan 28, 2008 — when they both cashed checks from Honeywell.

Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) appeared to be going through the motions with his date Sen. Ron Wyden (D-OR). Maybe Grassley was just sick of running into Wyden at the Accenture store in the mall, from which they have both been shopping since 2001. Or maybe it was just too many encounters at AETNA and AFLAC since 2003. Then again, rubbing elbows while picking up their checks from Amazon.com in 2009 and 2010 could have been enough. Or maybe New York Life Insurance? They could even banter about their mutual fondness for Dov Charney’s American Apparel ads (and its political donations). Maybe the donations both have regularly taken since 2001 isn’t the only thing they have in common when it comes to Pfizer, ifyouknowwhatImean.

While they sat together maybe they weighed the pros and cons of taking money from Goldman Sachs. A decade ago they both did, but only Grassley seems to have the balls to do it in the last few years. In return, Wyden could argue his case for passing on GS and going back to the Mortgage Bankers Association last year, a group both availed themselves to a decade ago. Though, as this was an occasion to focus on cooperation, maybe they would forget the distant past and concentrate more on there here and now, like whether or not they would again get their checks from Abbott Laboratories on the same day (August 26, 2010).

Even Joe “You Lie”

(R-SC) demonstrated some new-found civility by not roofying Susan Davis (D-CA), his state of the union partner. David and Wilson should know each other from their long-term mutual dealings with the American Bankers Association and the American Hospital Association. We would like to see Wilson tell the FEC “you lie” about the “coincidence” of them both taking a check on the same day in July, 2008, from General Dynamics. As they’ve both regularly taken money from the corporation since 2001, it was probably inevitable.

Peter King (R-NY) and Anthony Weiner (D-NY) made a huge deal out of “the two biggest loud mouths who are always fighting” taking seats together. What neither is very outspoken about are their shared patrons, including the American Bankers Association, American Express, American Hospital Association, AT&T, Cablevision, Delta Airlines, Deloitte, Northrup-Grubman, J.P. Morgan Chase, Harrah’s, Met Life and Verizon. And they’re really not being loudmouths about their shared history of fundraising from AIG, spanning all the way from 2000 to 2008.

Just look at all that unity.

The unofficial prom king and queen at the event was Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) and Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OH). In the run-up to the state of the union, these two just could not shut up about it.

Maybe they were excited to finally get it out in public because as American Express, Altria and the Dairy Farmers of America have known for a long time, these two have tons in common: the 2010 donations to both from Altria; the $15,000 from AMGEN Inc.; the tens of thousands from Ernst & Young.

Together, Schumer and Coburn can be themselves, free from the prejudice of others who would judge them about their lifestyles, such as the $13,000 the two took from Bank of America after voting “yes” to a $45 billion bailout of that bank. Or the Sallie Mae donations. Or the threesomes with General Electric (matching donations fromJune 2, 2009) and AFLAC (matching donations June 16, 2009).

Vice-President Joe Biden and John Boehner (R-OH) did not choose to be seated together; they were forced by tradition to sit behind the President. But that doesn’t mean that giggling about Obama’s growing bald spot was all they had to talk about. They could compare the donations both have received from Nortel Networks and Pfizer. Boehner, who’s taken thousands of dollars from T-Mobile since 2006, could explain to Biden why the corporation was willing to donate thousands to his Presidential bid, but not his senate campaigns.

Biden, in return, could teach Boehner a thing or two. For example, Biden could explain how to deny campaign contributions. While both have taken money from Home Depot, Biden is able to deny his. The trick is, Biden could explain, to take the money before the election, and then only return it after you win (as Biden did with his Home Depot thousands — accepted Nov 18, 2002; returned 13 days after the Nov. 5, 2002 election). It’s a stunt Biden’s pulled numerous times, including with Liberty Mutual ($2,500 on 04/03/2008; returned 12/31/2008) and Lockheed Martin ($5,000 on 08/22/2008; returned on 05/05/2009). Those are all Boehner donors too!

Or the Speaker of the House and the Veep could have a good chuckle about the spending spree Siebel Systems went on in 2006, cutting them both a check for $5,000, reported by both on January 20th. Boehner could needle Biden about how he himself, and not Biden, continued to get donations from Oracle after it bought Siebel, including a maximum Oracle donation just last year. Biden might grin and point out that not soon after that buyout, founder Tom Siebel was gored by a rampaging elephant. “Not that I’m implying anything,” Joe could say with a grin, the reflection of his shiny chompers tanning Boehner a darker shade of orange.

I thank @GOPLeader for his #SOTU offer, but I invited my friend Rep. Bartlett from MD yesterday & am pleased he acceptedTue Jan 25 17:43:16 via web

Nancy Pelosi
NancyPelosi

As with any prom, sometimes you end up getting turned down by your first choice. So went Eric Cantor’s (R-VA) prom: the Virginian was grumbling about being turned down as Nancy Pelosi’s date. But Eric shouldn’t worry. Maybe he’ll run into her while collecting his check from one of their many shared contributors, including AFLAC, the Aircraft Owners and Pilots Association, Honeywell, Lockheed Martin, Accenture, Allianz of America, American Health Care Association, McGuire Woods LLP, Met Life, Zeneca Inc., JP Morgan Chase and Co., KPMG Partners, Liberty Mutual and others.

If Cantor has to choose, he should try McKesson corporation, as both he and Pelosi have been taking significant funds from that organization for the last ten years. And since McKesson has been maxing out its donations to both every year for the last few years, it would be a good place to start.

Cantor probably ended up with plenty to chat about though with his date Bobby Scott (D-VA). Certainly they could chat about the old standby, the weather tens and tens of thousands the two have received from Altria since 2000. But there is also, amongst others, American Express, the American Gaming Association, Genera Electric, Hogan Lovells and Harrah’s Entertainment.

Maybe Cantor even cracked a joke about how dumb Floridians are… the Florida Sugar Cane League has cut them both numerous checks, despite that they represent Virginia.

As with any prom, there are the rebels and those too cool for school. Of the event, Paul Broun (R-GA) said, “I believe firmly that it is a trap and a ruse… They don’t want civility, they want silence from the Republicans. And sitting together being kissy kissy is just another way to silence Republicans… And when people stand up to what the Democrats are doing when Barack Obama spews his venom, then if they’re scattered throughout the Republicans, it won’t be as noticeable if the Republicans sit apart.”

When Broun talked about “standing up to what the Democrats are doing,” maybe he meant standing up to be counted amongst them. Just to compare Broun with the most-hated of Democrats, Nancy Pelosi, is to find all kinds of areas of cooperation. Both took the maximum donation from AFLAC in 2010. Broun and Pelosi have shared a seat at AFLAC’s table for the last four years, working together to take in an impressive $34,500 since 2007. Broun may hate sharing anything with the Democrats, but both he and Pelosi have taken tens of thousands from AT&T in the last few years too. Ditto, Lockheed Martin. And the National Organization of Convenience Stores. Honeywell. Microsoft. Delta Airlines. Both took thousands of dollars from the Aircraft Owners and Pilots Association on the same day in 2010: September 23.

Broun and Pelosi might have more in common than Broun thinks, having both taken money from the Marijuana Policy Project’s Medical Marijuana PAC.

Maybe Broun’s “spewing venom” is actually a codeword for collecting money. Because Broun and Obama himself have taken money from, amongst others, The American Bankers Association, Lockheed Martin, National Beer Wholesalers Association, UPS and John Deere.

And then, rebel of rebels, the Judd Nelson of the State of the Union Breakfast Club, there is Mitch McConnell (R-KY Jelly), who called the whole thing “a distraction.” He said to Fox News: “More important than the appearance of sitting together is what we do together. And the American people are more interested in actual accomplishments on a bipartisan basis….”

McConnell need only to point to his already glowing record of bipartisan accomplishments.

McConnell, the senate minority leader, has worked tirelessly in the last few years on a bipartisan agenda with Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) to lift the burden of thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars from groups including, amongst others, Archer Daniels Midland, 3M, Assurant Inc., Bank of America, Accenture, Amazon.com, American Beverage Association, Goldman Sachs, All State Insurance, Met Lie, AFLAC, Owens Corning, National Venture Capitalist Association, Aetna, Altria, American Bankers Association, AT&T, Petroleum Marketers Association, National Sand Stone and Gravel Association, Bechtel, BNSF, BP, Yum Brands, Zeneca, World Alliance for Israel, Pacific Life, Wine and Spirits Wholesalers of America, Novartis, Whirlpool, Skadden ARPS, Siemens, National Rifle Association of America and Pfizer.

McConnell and Reid could even talk about their mutual love of baseball, specifically taking money from baseball. The two have teamed up to accept $23,500 in recent donations from the Office of the Commissioner of Major League Baseball.

In the end, just like prom, everyone involved acted the part, pretending not to have all already fondled each other under the bleachers. And just like oblivious parents, the nation looked at the whole ruse and pretty much bought it, when the proper reaction would have been to tell the whole bunch to go congress itself.

Abe Sauer is writing a book about North Dakota. Email him at abesauer [at] gmail.com.

Awl pal Seth Colter Walls chats with composer John Adams on the eve of Nixon in China’s Metropolitan Opera premiere. There is video! (Of the production, not of Seth chatting with John Adams.)

The government has unveiled a novel solution in the war against obesity, suggesting that Americans might be better off if they somehow managed to shove considerably less shit down their ample, gaping maws, and if they made an effort to somehow ensure that the shit they continued to shovel down those dark holes of despair was considerably less larded with salt, fat and sugar. Also they should have a fucking vegetable for once in their lives. Even more daringly, notes the Times, American’s two favorite non deep-fried food items are called out.

While the recommendations may seem obvious, it is nonetheless considered major progress for federal regulators, who have long skirted the issue, wary of the powerful food lobby. (The 112-page report even subtly suggests that people eat less pizza and dessert.)

That is pretty damned ballsy right there, I have to say. Asking Americans to eat less pizza? They’d give up their guns first. I wish our federal food regulators all the luck in the world with this issue, but my cynical side tells me that ultimately they are all going to be eaten by a mob of angry fatties, immediately after being dusted in flour, dropped in a vat of peanut oil, and dipped in Ranch.

Attention women of New York: How badly do you need a parking spot? “Women having difficult pregnancies would get special parking privileges under a proposal to be introduced this week, according to a New York City Councilman sponsoring the bill. The bill suggests that pregnant women be allowed to park in no-parking zones and stand in no-standing zones, said Councilman David Greenfield, who plans to introduce the bill at a council meeting on Wednesday.” Go forth and multiply, ladies. It will totally be worth it.

Throughout the month, we’re counting down our most favorite Twitter accounts, ranging from the infamous to the fake to the most horrific and the most hilarious. Let the games begin!

On the train to DC to see my buddy Hitchens.Mon Jan 31 17:08:55 via TweetDeck

Emma Gilbey Keller
EMMAGKELLER

Emma Gilbey Keller, the author of a biography of Winnie Mandela, The Comeback: Seven Stories of Women Who Went from Career to Family and Back Again and the forthcoming and perhaps terrifying book about “20th Century mothers of 21st Century daughters,” is also the spouse of New York Times executive editor Bill Keller. This is something that comes up frequently! And it is delightful — media reporters are addicted to her.

@skstanding in gd form. Had a v fun time. Now rereading bills piece on the train home. Can’t remember him writing it.When does he do it all?Tue Feb 01 12:47:29 via Twitter for iPad

Emma Gilbey Keller
EMMAGKELLER

The best read EVER! @nytkeller aka my husband on working with @wikileaks http://nyti.ms/eV7s6T. Signed His FlunkyWed Jan 26 19:09:27 via Twitter for iPhone

Emma Gilbey Keller
EMMAGKELLER

Her most commendable and surprising quality? Outright adoration of Gawker’s Richard Lawson.

@rilaws you are so brilliant. How do you manage it every week?? Nail those housewives every time. I’m genuflecting at your twitter feed.Fri Jan 21 22:51:18 via web

Emma Gilbey Keller
EMMAGKELLER

@carr2n thanks for the DVDs and for arranging for the snow to fall outside while we watch them.Thu Jan 06 22:53:43 via Twitter for iPad

Emma Gilbey Keller
EMMAGKELLER

One thing that’s also enjoyable to watch is the interplay with her husband’s coworkers.

Married in 1998, after the dissolution of Bill Keller’s previous marriage, she is referred to sometimes as a “gin heiress,” which isn’t terribly fair (and something into which we have no insight), but that is very terrifically English. She should run with that. Pro tip: read her twitter out loud with a really terrible put-on English accent, it totally jells.

Is the Daily Mail, London’s news beast and one-stop hype beggar, right vexed with errors, false claims and scandals that beggar belief? Some people say yes!

The jazzy flap-paper shanks both celebrities and common folk on the regular, says Juliet Shaw, a lass originally from Barrow-in-Furness, late of Cumbria, and proud single mother of two young beauties. Juliet says the paper ran fecklessly roughshod over her romantic life, misstating her age, basic facts of life and inventing motivations and fabricating quotes along the way.

“I’ve never been to a garden party in my life!” shouted the misplayed miss.

And then, when she pursued a defamation claim against the paper, the rag’s solicitors claimed they’d get her house and all her business assets, just for the bother. The lady, having none of either such things, was unimpressed with the threat — and the brash paper folded like a Spice Girls reunion, paying our Juliet tens of thousands of pounds.

This isn’t the first time the Daily Mail has bounded into a scrape by misrepresenting ladies! Freelance writer Catherine Hughes was plunged into depression after she appeared in a twisted article in the Daily Mail.

Also the paper totally straight-up lied about how PBS cut down “Downton Abbey” for American audiences, which makes them tantamount to murderers. For shame!

“It’s simply not true,” cried Jace Lacob, a member of the American Television Critics Association, taking the Daily Mail writer to task. “His messy article is, in some ways, awfully similar to Mrs. Patmore’s salty meringue, and just as unappetizing.”

This new Rihanna video is pretty great in an old, candy-painted, classic-days-of-MTV-surrealism way. Directed by Melina Matsoukas, it’s like Busta Rhymes meets Tom Petty meets Cyndi Lauper meets Devo. With Perez Hilton bound and gagged and made to crawl around on all fours like a dog.

It was deemed “Goggle-gate” by boyish Miami Heat coach Eric Spoelstra, and rightly so. There were goggles involved, and there was definitely a ’gate aspect to the kerfluffle that Dwyane Wade’s choice of doctor-prescribed eyewear had raised. Designed to alleviate his migraine symptoms, they were darkened to the point that he looked like a player in one of those halftime charity games where nobody scores and yet everybody cheers; or a character in a 1970s Disney movie about a blind point guard who singlehandedly wins the state championship and gets the scorchingly hot, sighted girl.

So the Heat sent some lackey (no offense, sir or madam) to the league offices and the commissioner said, “No haps, D-Wade.” The league’s reasoning was that opponents wouldn’t be able to see Wade’s eyes and therefore, presumably he wouldn’t be able to… do that winking thing? Or the eyeball crossover that has really spread like wildfire in Turkey. I’m not quite sure. Poker players are allowed to wear Darth Vader helmets and LaDanian Tomlinson looks like he has a plastic niqab under his helmet.

But it’s okay: Wade managed to locate a pair of shades that were more Bono and less Ray Charles. Unfortunately, they were also more Dolph Lundgren and less Bono, and he wore them for a few days, actually played well, then got mercilessly mocked by his teammates, and decided to forgo humiliation to play in pain, something the man knows about first-hand.

Upon hearing the news, I had two immediate thoughts: One, as a chronic migraine sufferer I have difficulty sitting up and tying my shoes when afflicted, so the thought of running around in a janky NBA uniform is a no-go, fancy goggles or no fancy goggles. The man is clearly brave and the least mockable player on the All-American Rejects…I mean, the Heatles. And two, dark sunglasses seems like a natural progression for a league filled with players far more obsessed with style than fundamentals.

To their coaches’ credit, the Heat players know all about fundamentals. They run the offense and even the scrubby players (basically, numbers 5–12) have been able to hold it down, while the hospital gurneys are wheeled to and from the court. Also positive: the LeBron-as-post-up force seems to be progressing and now that Chris Bosh has returned to the lineup everything has gotten back to normal-ish.

Still there are speed bumps, like when the team’s players endured a double public beatdown, one from the TNT crew of bandwagon-riding gasbags and the other from a far less expected source: Kevin Durant. And let me tell you: if a nice guy like Kevin Durant deems you pussy-like, that has got to sting. The man is so much the NBA’s wet dream, I’d be shocked if at some point over the next few years, league officials don’t fold his team, the Oklahoma Town Hillbillies, in order to get him to a media capital like New York (pant, pant) or Los Angeles (pffft.)

But all Durant’s shocking words did, really, was confirm a long-held view of Bosh as being soft. I’ve alluded to it in this space (if you consider me repeatedly calling him ‘soft’ an allusion). And everyone from his former boss Bryan Colangelo to the lunatics who made this video have piled on. Let us not forget, league oracle Shaquille O’Neal’s nickname for the man I affectionately refer to as “the third guy”: RuPaul. Ouch.

That hurts Bosh, but also the whole team. Charles Barkley’s earlier assessment of the team as soft is not the reputation you want heading into the playoffs, when referees are more apt to let the players perform the Bruce Bowen karate chop each other. Still, it’s February, and the fact that the finish line is inching closer must be alleviating some of pain.

There are two months, give or take, left in the regular season. The Heat has proven to be a great team when healthy, an average team when injured and a crappy team when… never. The state of their union is strong. And come playoff time, they will be in the thick of fight for the right to face the now-cuddly one, Kobe Bryant, and his team of occasionally sleepwalking sidekicks.

Even a blind person can see that.

Tony Gervino is a New York City-based editor and writer obsessed with honing his bio to make him sound quirky. He can also be found here.

Photo by Chamber of Fear, from Flickr.