Government Politely Asks Americans To Not Be Such Fat Fucks

Gutty wept

The government has unveiled a novel solution in the war against obesity, suggesting that Americans might be better off if they somehow managed to shove considerably less shit down their ample, gaping maws, and if they made an effort to somehow ensure that the shit they continued to shovel down those dark holes of despair was considerably less larded with salt, fat and sugar. Also they should have a fucking vegetable for once in their lives. Even more daringly, notes the Times, American’s two favorite non deep-fried food items are called out.

While the recommendations may seem obvious, it is nonetheless considered major progress for federal regulators, who have long skirted the issue, wary of the powerful food lobby. (The 112-page report even subtly suggests that people eat less pizza and dessert.)

That is pretty damned ballsy right there, I have to say. Asking Americans to eat less pizza? They’d give up their guns first. I wish our federal food regulators all the luck in the world with this issue, but my cynical side tells me that ultimately they are all going to be eaten by a mob of angry fatties, immediately after being dusted in flour, dropped in a vat of peanut oil, and dipped in Ranch.