240 members of the House of Representatives voted to deny federal funding to Planned Parenthood. Because you know what we should all be against? Healthcare, unbiased information and STD prevention. Enjoy your uneducated and pregnant kiddos, Republican America! Should anyone have any money left after the politician-induced recession, perhaps they could give some to Planned Parenthood.

“The Obama administration rescinded most of a federal regulation Friday designed to protect health workers who refuse to provide care they find objectionable on personal or religious grounds,” putting our nation’s medical personnel at risk of catching gay. Why does Obama hate America so much?

Here is what is happening now: people have become unwilling to send emails. They’re too cumbersome, they’re too long and there’s actually not an app for that. And no one wants to type that long on their devices, plus they’re already logged in to their social medias and whatnots.

Here are some things that I have seen this week:

• People replying to my emails… by randomly putting their response on Twitter.

• People replying to emails… by way of AIM.

• People following up on emails that haven’t been answered yet… by Gchat.

• People sending messages on Twitter to ask what my email address is. Because of course you’d know the Twitter handle but not the email address, which used to be the most important thing in the world.

• Someone picking a fight on Twitter, and someone else was like, “Hey, let’s take it to email, here’s mine!”… but then they never emailed. They can’t! They’re too busy Tumblring and Twittering to send an email.

• I recently witnessed an entire passive aggressive confrontation occur in the comment sections of other people’s Tumblrs! It wasn’t even taking place on their own Tumblrs! That’s just how distributed conversation has gotten.

I mean it made sense when we all gave up the phone, because the phone is a nightmare, and also there’s not written record to a phone conversation. But email??? Email was good! This is totally a thing. Let a thousand 140-character think pieces bloom!

Reporter Serene Branson’s revelation that her bizarre Grammy recap was actually the result of a “complex migraine” has lead to increased discussion of the migraine headache, which is kind of remarkable when you realize that, like chronic fatigue syndrome, it is a completely fictitious affliction made up by lazy people who want to avoid fulfilling their obligations.

by Graydon Gordian

So it appears that some of ESPN’s on-air personalities — namely, Chris Fowler, Kirk Herbstreit and Lee Corso — have “deals with Nike that Corso described as a joint arrangement that largely involves speaking engagements for the athletic shoe and apparel company.” Along with Heisman Trophy winner Desmond Howard, the men are the faces of ESPN’s “College GameDay,” a weekly college-football showcase that airs Saturday mornings in the fall before the early slate of games begins.

In the tepid wake of the New York Times article, there’s been some criticism of the three men, although no one I’ve read has gone so far as to feign shock. This is ESPN we’re talking about. As Richard Sandomir, the Times reporter who broke the story, pointed out himself, many sportscasters, including ESPN’s Chris Berman and Erin Andrews (another member of the “GameDay” team), endorse products. But they disclosed that fact to ESPN and the public. ESPN learned of Corso et al.’s relationship with Nike from a reporter’s phone call.

The role of Nike and the media in college football makes Fowler, Herbstreit and Corso’s relationship with the company more complicated than, say, Berman shouting his way through an Applebee’s commercial, jowls flapping in the grease-scented wind. The landscape of college football is so nakedly political, and Nike such a major element of that landscape, that their relationship with the company merits an eyebrow raise.

(Disclosure: I founded a website that grew into an ESPN-affiliate and have written for ESPN.com but, honestly, I don’t feel beholden to them in any way.)

It’s worth noting that I don’t really think sports analysts and play-by-play announcers have as much responsibility to avoid conflicts of interests as, say, political analysts do. Not that cable news pundits make an effort to avoid conflicts of interest, anyway. But however resigned to it we may be, it can still be sickening to recognize that these days political “victories” consist of little more than getting a critical mass of the pundit class to view your speech, poll or protest in a positive light. Then, and only then, can you go on to achieve victory in actual political contests, such as congressional votes and elections.

By contrast, in sports, games are won regardless of which team a studio analyst thinks will win.

TNT and ESPN were roundly criticized for employing Magic Johnson as a NBA commentator while he was a minority owner of the Los Angeles Lakers. Admittedly, the situation felt a shade duplicitous, but I was never that troubled by his presence. The warm, fatherly manner in which Magic talked about L.A. didn’t affect the level of skill or talent on the floor.

But in college football, it’s not that simple. As I wrote about in rather extensive detail near the end of the season, college football is a caste system, and the media holds a set of keys to its upper strata. Most notably, media votes are one of the factors that go into deciding which two teams play for the national championship. As much as he may have wished he could have, Magic Johnson couldn’t talk his team into the NBA Finals. Fowler, Herbstreit and Corso have the ability to affect which teams get a shot to play for the national championship in the first place, both through their highly popular television show and their actual votes.

Still, it’s not as if Nike is competing for a national championship. (It’s disturbing how that idea only feels a little farfetched.) The concern among some critics is that the “GameDay” crew will feel pressured to favor teams that Nike sponsors. And when they say, “teams that Nike sponsors,” they mean the Oregon Ducks.

Nike Chairman Phil Knight’s relationship with the University of Oregon is a unique one. Aside from possibly T. Boone Pickens at Oklahoma State University, no one man who is not a coach or athletic director has so much power over an athletic program. Knight — whom Forbes estimates has a net worth upwards of $11 billion dollars — has poured tens, if not hundreds, of millions of dollars into the university. (According to Sports Illustrated, Oregon’s new $41.7 million “academic support building was paid for entirely by Knight.)

Knight’s patronage has produced results. The school, which doesn’t have an especially illustrious athletic tradition, has gotten damn good at football. The Ducks were a tremendous yet deeply misunderstood team this season. Plenty of people dismissed the Ducks’ success as being overly dependent on finesse, pace or a gimmicky combination of both, when in fact nearly flawless execution, boatloads of talent and ferocious blocking on both the interior and perimeter had a little something to do with it as well.

Early on in the season, Herbstreit, Corso and Fowler (who has decided to end his relationship with Nike) recognized Oregon as the well-oiled touchdown machine that it was and proceeded to talk about the team that way. For some, their praise is further evidence that they are knights in Nike’s service, but it’s hard to be sure if, like me, you thought their stance on the Ducks was pretty accurate.

Admittedly, I find their stances on plenty of subjects to be pretty accurate. College GameDay is probably the only ESPN program, aside from live game coverage, that I actually enjoy. It is smart without taking itself too seriously (an uncommon balance in the world of televised football commentary), and manages to respect the traditions of the sport without drowning the audience in bombast.

Corso, a melon-headed, silver-haired septuagenarian known as “Coach,” spends most of the show emphatically gesturing with a pencil while Herbstreit, handsome and sober, doles out simple but not necessarily obvious insights about the day’s games. Howard chuckles, Fowler plays the straight man to Corso’s over-enthusiasm and, at the end of every show, “Coach” dons the oversized head of the mascot of whichever team he thinks will win the day’s marquis game. If Corso picks the home team — the show is shot live at the site of said game — the thousands of sign-bearing students who have been collecting behind the set since the early morning hours go wild. It’s one of the few sports shows that has established itself as an institution while actively cultivating a fun atmosphere.

Their willingness to frankly discuss college football’s darker corners before they get to the shenanigans is what has allowed them to achieve that balance. I’ve always been impressed by their readiness to acknowledge and condemn the persistence of racism in coach-hiring processes throughout college football, especially in the wake of Auburn’s decision to pass up on Turner Gill, a black man with a white wife, for Gene Chizik. It’s a conversation far fewer people are willing to have than you might think.

I’m just saying it’s kind of a good show. However, I do think the show has been compromised by a conflict of interest, just not the one that’s been discussed over the last few days.

Although critics have been quick to mention Nike’s relationship with Oregon, I find the more telling case to be that of TCU, another Nike sponsored program that was a topic of frequent discussion on “GameDay” this season. Along with Oregon and Auburn, the teams that played for the national championship, TCU finished the season with an undefeated record. However, TCU plays in the non-BCS Mountain West Conference, which is generally viewed as having a less-arduous schedule than the conferences with an automatic BCS-qualifying bid. Largely because of that (I would argue, accurate) perception, TCU finished third in the rankings, earning a bid to the Rose Bowl

TCU went on to beat Big Ten champ Wisconsin and join the ranks of teams, such as the 2008 Utah Utes, 2004 Auburn Tigers and both the 2006 and 2009 Boise State Broncos, that have gone undefeated without ever having a chance to play for a national title.

As far as Fowler, Corso and Herbstreit were concerned, this was a fair and just outcome. All three are proponents of the current system of determining a national champion and ascribe to the proposition that BCS-conference teams are better than their non-BCS counterparts. All season long they made clear their belief that TCU could not stand up against the elite teams of the major conferences.

Those positions are certainly defensible — in fact, I think Herbstreit makes the most articulate defense of the BCS system I’ve yet heard — but what they’re not is unequivocally good for Nike.

But there is one hulking, profit-swollen corporation that benefits from the structures and perceptions the “GameDay” crew defends — ESPN itself.

ESPN doesn’t just report on and analyze college football. As with many sports, it broadcasts games as well. It has an interest in drumming up the largest audience it can for those broadcasts. But it doesn’t broadcast every game — it only has contracts with certain conferences. In particular, it has contracts with all the BCS conferences, and practically none with the non-BCS conferences. As of this past season, it also owns the rights to televise all five BCS bowls.

It doesn’t benefit ESPN if a team like TCU, whose games it doesn’t own the rights to broadcast, is considered a legitimate national title contender. It’s far better for ESPN if fans believe that the undefeated and even one-loss teams in BCS conferences whose games it shows are superior. The network also benefits little when TCU earns a spot in a BCS-bowl and goes on to defeat one of those one-loss teams that analysts like Corso and Herbstreit were touting. All that does is further the argument that college football’s postseason should be replaced by a more competitive playoff system, the rights to which would not necessarily land in ESPN’s lap.

Fowler, Corso and Herbstreit’s opinions about non-BCS conferences and the BCS system as a whole may have little to do with their employer. The appearance of a conflict of interest doesn’t mean they are disingenuously towing ESPN’s line. However, when the distance between the promotion of an event and the coverage of that event narrows to zero, it’s worth asking the question.

Graydon Gordian lives in Brooklyn with his girlfriend and their two cats, Beesly and Bea Arthur.

Photo by zaui, from Flickr.

Sasha Weigel: Doula and Midwife in Training

by Andrew Piccone

Tell me about your job.

I was traveling in Thailand, working in a hospital about three years ago. I got to see the maternity ward there and some births and it basically changed the course of my life. When I came back I became an EMT and I started assisting births — not as an EMT, totally separate. Suddenly I was launched into the medical world and I became a Doula, which is a certified birth assistant, and now I am studying to become a midwife. To become a Doula you go through a six-month certification process and it’s basically an emotional and psychological support system for the mother. It differs from a midwife in that a midwife is actually birthing the baby, catching the baby — it’s hands on. A Doula never has to put gloves on, but she’ll be there suggesting visualizations and breathing techniques and position changes, providing support, being there for the mother. Whatever the mom requires, the Doula is there for her. It’s a very intuitive dance, the mother is not going to be able to always express in words what she really needs. Keeping her busy is key.

What was it about the maternity ward in Thailand that got you hooked on birthing?

Birth is the most beautiful process there is. It’s just so profound, a moment of true humanness. There are only two thresholds in this world; birth and death. I absolutely chose birth. It’s exquisitely primal, you know? It strips and sheds every pretense and facade and it asks you to be the most powerful being you can be. It’s incredibly powerful to see mothers go through a natural childbirth. Or any birth. It’s transformative to know you can get through that. It’s huge. And to watch women do that, to triumph every time, birth after birth, it was just exquisite. It was addicting.

Who is a typical client for a Doula?

A typical client is someone who is going to have a natural child birth. That doesn’t mean you can’t have a Doula while you have a cesarean, because there’s a huge emotional component to a cesarean section as well, but most people who hire a Doula want to try a natural child birth. I have had a number of clients who’ve had epidurals, so it doesn’t mean we can’t do that if they want it. But it usually means they’re wanting to have the natural childbirth. The people in the city who employ Doulas vary so much, which is what’s so wonderful about it. There are Doulas who charge 2500 to 3000 for birth in New York, I used to live in Boston where that wasn’t the norm at all. I tend to charge anywhere between 800 and 1500. Since I’m in school and my availability is funky sometimes I have to rely on backup. A Doula should represent continuity, always being there, always being available, so it’s difficult when you can’t.

What are some of the misconceptions about Doula-ing and midwifery?

A lot of people don’t realize the difference between the two. As a Doula you’re hired by the client, the mother, and not provided through the hospital. A recommendation might be given, but that’s it. People think Doulas and midwives work together; they don’t. A midwife is a specialist who specializes in normal birth. Of course if there are complications a midwife is going to know how to handle them, but a neonatal team would join her. The other misconception that comes to mind is that midwives perform only home-births, there’s kind of this hippy-dippy reputation to it for some reason. That’s not the case. I love the whole holistic thing, but working at home, it can be much dicier for the midwife, putting her much more at risk in terms of liability. Then there’s the nurse-midwife who works only in a hospital, which is what I’m doing. It was a tough route because I had to become an RN first. It’s a dangerous world to not have malpractice insurance, I wouldn’t want to lose my career in a clinic overnight. It would make me nervous to not have backup, to not be able to press a button to have a doctor come in. Also, if you’re going to have a birth at home you’re already sold on this being a holistic, natural, beautiful — albeit hard — process. I feel like I can do more in a hospital. So many moms come in and are put on the conveyor belt, just sent through. It’s good to bring a personalized touch to this sterile setting, that’s what I’m hoping to do.

What is the social life of a Doula like?

My phone is on me all the time, on my pillow when I sleep. About two weeks before a mom is due I tend to have not more than one drink max in an evening. Going to a birth is kind of the most exciting thing in the world, so it’s not like a drawback. There was one time I remember a couple years ago that I couldn’t go to this party that I really wanted to go to. But I mean, parties are a dime a dozen, births are not. The way moms transform in birth, it’s so profound. I’d watch one every day if I could. It’s literally way more fun than partying with my friends. I don’t have any children, but I definitely plan on being on my own Doula/midwife, but probably not for a while.

Do you have a favorite hospital in New York?

I’m still sort of new to the city, I moved here in Fall of 2009, I’m still collecting data on everything. The birth center at St Luke’s is probably my favorite place so far. A birth center is different than a labor delivery floor, it’s designed to be more cozy and home-like because women tend to want to give birth in a familiar setting, it’s easier, it makes them more relaxed. That environment is really wonderful. Methodist Hospital in Park Slope is not so good, it’s chaotic, not the nicest place in the world. My last time there I was not treated the best. It’s hard to blame these labor delivery nurses who are doing like 30 births a night in 12 hour shifts, it would get to me too.

Andrew Piccone is a photographer in New York.

Call Now! Share Your Feeeeeeelings About “Friday Night Lights”

The forthcoming GQ podcast, with the lady Ana Marie Cox, is going to be about the wonder that is “Friday Night Lights.” And guess what? I just watched the series finale last night! Oh my God, I couldn’t believe it when Tammy totally ____ and then Julie _____! And Coach Taylor was all ____!!! No I mean, he never talks, he totally didn’t say anything at all, but his terrific hair was speaking volumes. (Is it possible to be in love with hair?) So here is the hotline to Ana Marie (or at least her digital recorder), and she would like people like YOU to discuss what the show meant to YOU, or what you found most notable, or, you know, most life-changing. (Besides figuring out how to get your hair to do that Coach Taylor thing.) Call by Sunday! Obviously by phoning in to leave a message for the show, you are consenting to have it broadcast. (Pod-broad-cast?) Here’s the hotline: (423) 449–9662.

Oh, man. Wait ’til Watson gets a hold of one these Super Aegis 2 things. There’s no way we’re gonna get a rematch.

What’s more delightful than the Park Slope Food Coop? The most magical place on earth. I love to read about these people who live in a land far far away from the real! “Jeremie Delon, 31… rejoined recently after becoming a father. He said the co-op had asked for a birth certificate as proof of the baby’s existence, and was now chasing down the baby’s mother, demanding that she join and put in her time, because all adult members of a household are required to work shifts.” OH MY GOD, THAT’S REVERSE HETEROSEXIST.

“Chemicals are everywhere in the modern world and some of them can be very dangerous. Today’s decision is an important step toward better protecting our health and the environment.”
 — EU environment commissioner Janez Potocnik on the decision to ban the use of plastic-softening phthalates “DEHP, BBP and DBP, the fragrance Musk Xylene, flame-retardant HBCDD, or the epoxy resin-hardener MDA.” Typical European cowardice. Here in the U.S., we let evolution take its course to develop a genetic mutation that reduces susceptibility to PCBs and dioxins, like in the Atlantic tomcod that thrive in the toxic pollution of the Hudson River.