“Any moment there’s something the guest doesn’t particularly like, the first sentence is, ‘This is not a four-star experience.’ Immediately. It doesn’t matter what it is, it’s the first thing that comes out of anybody’s mouth.”
 — Jeff Katz, Del Posto’s general manager, politely notes the truth that, in general, people who eat at expensive restaurants are huge, unnecessary bitches.

Yesterday was just another day in which I felt so sad for straight people! What a terrible story to hear about how it is to dine out with the straights. The young, unmated heterosexual people are so often locked in a struggle of resentment and desire and jealousy and insecurity and misunderstanding. Then you put money and status-seeking and sexual conquest (all of that mostly on the mens’ side!) on top of those inflamed and engorged feelings, and blammo, the whole powderkeg goes up in flames and next thing you know, someone’s being called a douche and someone’s being called a whore. And that is why straight people actually shouldn’t dine out together, ever. But there is another way. Possibly it’s instructive how the gays share in the purchase of food and beverages at restaurants.

To be fair, I’m really talking about the gay men, but I don’t want to omit our lady-loving ladies, as they are too often omitted. But honestly? We shouldn’t even talk about how lesbians split checks. It so often literally defies parody, and I am serious, so sisters, please, I love you but don’t even roll up on me to disagree, you know that I am right when I say that Cassandra just had the tabouleh salad, and she’s not going to even round up to the nearest cent when she puts in her share. I have been there with you in Berkeley and I have held your hands in Louisville and stood by you in Brooklyn, and the lesbian check-dividing game is terrifying all around the world, so usually when there is a token gay man involved, he just overpays by at least 100%, in cash, because the ladies only love cash, and then he goes outside to smoke and wait out the barely-repressed violence of the processing. (What happens behind our backs, from what I hear, is even more bonkers.)

But here is what happens, in my experience, and this is not a parody, when the gay men go out to eat, whether it’s at a hotdog stand or it’s two-star Michelin.

Gay: “Give me that check, it is my turn!”

Other Gay: “That is crazy talk, you paid three weeks ago at [name of other equally wonderful spot]! Please, please let me!”

Third Gay: “Oh, you guys, that means it’s my turn, give it here!”

Fourth Gay: [Secretly has already handed plum-colored American Express card to server ten minutes ago, and now all the gays realized that the check that has just been delivered is merely waiting for a signature, not a card.]

All Gays: “You guys!”

The end. Exeunt gays. Everyone hugs repeatedly!

Straight people should try to think about something besides getting laid once in a while, or about someone other than themselves. Weird, right? Never thought I’d say that, but here we are.

Late afternoon, what is that smell?
We just had the quarrel that sent you away.
I was looking for you, are you gone gone?
Check out all those seagulls, out over King Harbor.
What have they found there? Probably something to eat.
I went looking for you, are you gone, gone?

Down by the ocean it was so dismal,
Women all standing with a shock on their faces.
Sad description, oh I was looking for you.

Everyone said a million sardines had washed up
On Redondo Beach and everyone is so sad.
I was looking for you, are you gone gone?
“Remember all the birds?” Everyone cried.
But it’s really quite normal, when lots of animals die.
I went looking for you, are you gone gone?

Down by the ocean it was so dismal,
Women all standing with shock on their faces.
Sad description, oh I was looking for you.

Desk clerk told me sardines washed up,
Packed into the harbor, like a giant tin can.
I went looking for you, are you gone gone?
Surrounding the sailboats, no oxygen left.
They float belly-up, like a carpet of death.
One day they’re all there all here, but now they’re gone gone.

Down by the ocean it was so dismal.
I was just standing with shock on my face.
Eighteen solid inches of rotting dead fish.
“We need to get rid of them,” said sergeant Phil Keenan,
“This is going to create a terrible pollution and public health issue if we don’t.”

“Women who base their self-worth on their appearance use Facebook to feel better about themselves, scientists believe.” They also try to avoid paying their fair share of the check.

The “whole world” (read: not the whole world) is abuzz regarding this morning’s forced resignation of short-term NPR head Vivian Schiller, over an expose video of an employee there acting dumb at a fundraising lunch, which, maybe I should care more about the operational management of nonprofit radio? I do not! In any event, let it just be repeated that NPR is not your radio station, it is not America’s radio station, and it is almost entirely endowment- and sponsorship-supported. (Member stations, which pay NPR for syndication and membership, in essence, also overall have a very small budgetary percentage of public grant-taking.) That means it’s pretty easy to make NPR less of a target to wingnuts, but you know what’s even easier? Not panicking under some ANGRY BLOGS and FOX NEWS BREAKING UPDATES and firing people. Jesus Christ, people who run NPR, wait it out, there’ll be a new outrage by Thursday. Liberals really are wusses.

This is something you might want to attend: “Influential Brazilian singer-songwriter Tom Zé makes rare U.S. concert appearance” at this summer’s Lincoln Center Festival.

The Latest, Terrible Reasons Being Given For Humiliating Bradley Manning

The shameful tale of Pfc. Bradley Manning recently took a new and horrible turn. Owing to the caprices of Quantico Chief Warrant Officer Denise Barnes, Manning is now being made to sleep naked and, in the morning, to stand naked for morning roll call. This, according to Marine Corps spokesperson Brian Villiard, is for Manning’s own protection.

Why are the Marine Corps authorities at Quantico prison, not content with keeping Manning in conditions of near-solitary confinement and POI (“prevention of injury”), now suddenly demanding the naked thing, as well? You are not going to believe why.

According to the blog of Manning’s defense attorney, David E. Coombs, Manning had the temerity to ask the brig officer exactly what it is that he needs to do in order to have the restrictions on his imprisonment loosened a bit. Keep in mind that brig forensic psychiatrists have repeatedly stated that there is no mental health justification for keeping Manning confined on POI watch. Even so, Manning was informed that there was nothing he could do to have the restrictions removed, because brig officials considered him at risk of self-harm.

Manning then made the apparent mistake of flippantly remarking that, if he really wanted to harm himself, he could conceivably do so with the elastic waistband of his underwear or with his flip-flops.

That apparently is the point at which Barnes bethought herself to further humiliate Manning by making him sleep naked, on the pretext that she is concerned that he is a suicide risk. But was Manning placed under a Suicide Risk Watch? No. And why not?

Because Suicide Risk Watch requires a brig mental health provider’s recommendation, is why not, and the brig mental health providers have already said repeatedly that Manning is not a threat to himself. And so Chief Warrant Officer Denise Barnes has resorted to such tools as are at her disposal in order to further degrade Manning, who is charged with being a military whistleblower.

Last week, Daniel Ellsberg said of Bradley Manning: “Our enemy is generally al-Qaeda, and they want these wars to continue. The people who give comfort to the enemy are the people who sent troops there and are keeping the cost of the war from the people. Bradley Manning is acting in the interest of the United States and against the interest of our enemy al Qaeda. … There’s a campaign here against whistleblowing that’s actually unprecedented in legal terms.”

What is the point of torturing this young man? It is to make an example of him? Or is it, as many suspect, an attempt to break him, and thereby gain his cooperation in bringing charges against Julian Assange?

At the President’s website, Change.gov, there is a page that lays out the Ethics Agenda of the incoming Obama Administration. It includes a lot of great-sounding things: exposing special interest tax breaks to public scrutiny, ending the abuse of no-bid contracts, requirements for independent monitoring of lobbying laws and ethics rules, and the timely release of presidential records. It also includes the following paragraph:

Protect Whistleblowers: Often the best source of information about waste, fraud, and abuse in government is an existing government employee committed to public integrity and willing to speak out. Such acts of courage and patriotism, which can sometimes save lives and often save taxpayer dollars, should be encouraged rather than stifled. We need to empower federal employees as watchdogs of wrongdoing and partners in performance. Barack Obama will strengthen whistleblower laws to protect federal workers who expose waste, fraud, and abuse of authority in government. Obama will ensure that federal agencies expedite the process for reviewing whistleblower claims and whistleblowers have full access to courts and due process.”

Bradley Manning is (1) a federal employee, and (if the allegations against him are correct) (2) a watchdog of wrongdoing who (3) exposed the abuse of authority in government. So how are those who supported the Obama/Biden ticket after reading these lofty promises supposed to feel now?

Maria Bustillos is the author of Dorkismo and Act Like A Gentleman, Think Like A Woman.

“Dear Parents, I disown you. I’ve tried for ten years, but you’ve Wrecked it. I’ll never Speak to you again. Your x child, Jessica.” Awl pal Jess Grose, forced to examine her personal archives before her parents move house, discovers this gem of 10-year-old indignation. God, remember when everything seemed that important?

The Awl: So the founding of BabyCakes is actually fairly well-chronicled. You were allergic to wheat and dairy! You borrowed some money and started up a bakery, and you did it on a shoestring, and your finances were really tight. But what doesn’t get mentioned in all this is: why! Why did you want to become the cupcake and cookie and muffin gluten-free, dairy-free queen?

Erin: Thank you for not asking the obvious. You are the first on record. The reason I wanted to open a bakery was pretty simple: I wanted to open a place I’d like to go to. I’ve never been a big partier — going to a bakery after dinner was my kind of club, and in New York, there are so many incredible specialty bakeries. I felt left out. So I figured I’d just open a place that I’d be stoked to find.

The Awl: All that whey and wheat, taunting you.

Erin: Yes. The dairy never stops taunting. So, it doesn’t go much deeper than that. I really wasn’t setting out to be a baking goddess or whatnot. I just wanted to open a fun place and make some good food, share it, listen to the music I like, dress girls up in uniforms, eat cookies all day. That’s it! I think I read once that Keith McNally had the same M.O. He just opened places he’d want to go.

The Awl: That’s actually a great driving force in entrepreneurship — that’s like people who start magazines they want to read, and hairstylists who give haircuts they’d want to wear. People should be driven by making places they’d want to enjoy.

Erin: Once you start thinking too hard, making gimmicks or whatever, that you think are going to be a draw, it loses authenticity. I believe we’re all here on the planet expressing beauty in our own way.

The Awl: Oh my God, you hippie.

Erin: Sorry to sound new-agey! Cosmopolitan hippie. Big carbon footprint.

The Awl: So how would you describe your first year? Did you cry a lot?

Erin: I cried once. It was January 2nd, almost 6 months after we opened, and it was dead. No customers, after what was our first sorta busy push. And I cried to my sister. “BabyCakes is over”! I thought everyone had come in out of curiosity in the first months, and they all tried it and hated it and wouldn’t return. They started returning end of January, because they all stopped feeling fat, I guess. It’s about three weeks into the new year.

The Awl: Oh! The New Year’s resolutions worked against you! That’s fascinating.

Erin: Every single year, people restrict for three weeks. It’s like it’s set to a watch.

The Awl: That’s a really useful thing to know in your industry.

Erin: There are a ton of patterns. Anyhoo, then we got “best cupcake in New York” in March — not best vegan or gluten-free, but best of all the shops, so everyone and their mother came in to try it, but I thought, they are just in here cause they want to talk S about it and how it’s not the best. I told everyone that worked at the bakery it would die down after a week. But it never did. We’ve pretty much been raging ever since.

The Awl: Were there other things that you did to try to grow the customer base? Things that worked or failed?

Erin: Oh yeah, I mean, that’s sort of the fun part, doing things to appeal to people without being too attached to the result. I started to get different small designers to create new uniforms once a year, like Built by Wendy, Earnest Sewn, then In God We Trust, just to give people something to talk about. Then I had to do a blog because [my husband] Chris said I had to, which I usually just put random stuff on cause I don’t know what the H anyone is reading a baking blog for. Maybe they are hoping for recipes! And then the videos started. I basically do them to give people of feeling to attach to the bakery. I want everyone to have a hysterically happy feeling when they think of the bakery, like WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. OH YES DONUTS! I want people to feel like they are coming into a party when they get to the bakery. And if they have to ship, they can just watch a video and party with us at home. I’m not sure what else I have consciously done to market.

The Awl: So one thing that seems notable to me about the business is that it expanded when it was very young. You opened an L.A. outpost very quickly! How did you weigh that decision?

Erin: I opened in L.A. cause most of our shipments (we ship product all over the US) were going to L.A. And emails were non-stop, requesting that we open there.

The Awl: How very sensible of you. Well, it is the wheat allergy capitol of America.

Erin: I think they think it’s going to make them skinny, and while the grains I use are much more healthy, the grains to replace gluten, that is, it’s not going to make you skinny, but who knows? L.A. is very health conscious and obsessed with food I think, or eating organic and clean and such, so it was a good fit.

The Awl: And by what means did you finance that expansion?

Erin: By bakery profit mostly, and then I signed on to write a second book to pay for the final bit. So no loans or anything. I didn’t want to sell any more shares either.

The Awl: Can I ask about how much of the company you gave up to investors?

Erin: At this moment, I still own 78%. I had to white knuckle it through the hard times. After we opened, after a few months everyone wanted to invest and, as poor as I was, I didn’t do it. I knew If I got through the challenging times I’d be happy I didn’t sell any more in the end. I think the hard part before you open is placing a proper value on your company. It’s an imaginary number! But the way I did it was I asked myself, “What would I sell this company for on this day?” When all it was was a concept and some recipes. It was tempting to go under, because I was so desperate for anyone to invest, and I felt like they were going to think I was crazy at what I was saying it was worth. But I think the few people who laid their money out believed the same thing as me: that the chocolate chip cookies were really good. And the uniforms were cool. So I got lucky with recipes. I mean, I worked really hard to get things to taste good but I was also lucky. I understood it for some weird reason.

The Awl: And the cookbooks came soon after you opened?

Erin: I signed on for it about a year and a half after bakery opened, and then it came out a year later. I did it mainly because everyone kept asking me to do it, and honestly, I needed a new project, so I did it. And everyone told me it would be great for business. I didn’t really understand how good it would be. Our sales tripled after the publishing. I have to thank Martha though. She’s a powerhouse, and after I went on the show to teach her a few recipes, it went nuts. We sold out of the first printing in about 2 weeks. We’re on the 8th printing now.

The Awl: So, where do you go from here???

Erin: Well, I want to open one in SF. And my donut shop in New York! It’s going to be a 24 hour donut place that also serves waffles.

The Awl: YOU LIE.

Erin: No! I want to go to a 24 hour donut shop that serves waffles. I’m looking for a place but it’s hard. The space is just as important as the donuts. it’s gotta have that feeling. It’s the block, the actual physical store, it’s gotta be right. And then there’s the next cookbook in a month, and probably one more
after that!

The Awl: How many recipes could there BE?

Erin: Jeez, I have no idea. They somehow keep happening, so I just let it flow. I think that’ll be it
after the third. No mas. But then I want to open a beauty shop. Hair and nails. It’s, again, a place I want to go. It’s never done right! So I want to make a fun place you can go with your ladies and do your nails, and get a hair fashion just for the hell of it. So let me back up. After the two shops, and another book, I’m also doing packaged cake mix too. Once those are all steady, I want to sell.

The Awl: Wow, an exit plan!

Erin: Yes. My brother sold his company after about six years, and constantly warns me not to wait too long. He encourages me to sell and go enjoy my life, take a vacation that’s longer than five days. He just sold about a year ago, and then there’s a year or two he’s on contract to train the people who bought. And then he wants help my brothers and sisters build businesses for themselves. (There’s 12 of us.)

The Awl: THERE’S TWELVE OF YOU?

Erin: Yes! 12 weirdos. They are the best. Everyone is very funny, and we are all devoted to each other, so it’s fun.

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The George Michael charity cover of New Order’s “True Faith” — an event highly anticipated by Apple head Steve Jobs — has arrived (or, at least, a preview of it has) and, well… I DON’T KNOW! Peter Frampton + Japan + barbiturates? It may be too soon to tell. WHAT DO YOU THINK?