71. “Asleep”

70. “Meat Is Murder”

69. “Money Changes Everything”

68. “Back to the Old House”

67. “I Won’t Share You”

66. “Unhappy Birthday”

65. “The Draize Train”

64. “Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others”

63. “Vicar in a Tutu”

62. “I Misses You”

61. “Death at One’s Elbow”

60. “Death of a Disco Dancer”

59. “Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want”

58. “Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me”

57. “Unloveable”

56. “Oscillate Wildly”

55. “Miserable Lie”

54. “I Started Something I Couldn’t Finish”

53. “The Boy with the Thorn in His Side”

52. “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now”

51. “I Know It’s Over”

50. “Panic”

49. “Ask”

48. “I Don’t Owe You Anything”

47. “Frankly, Mr Shankly”

46. “Is It Really So Strange?”

45. “Girlfriend in a Coma”

44. “Never Had No One Ever”

43. “Paint a Vulgar Picture”

42. “Stop Me If You Think You’ve Heard This One Before”

41. “Well I Wonder”

40. “Stretch Out and Wait”

39. “I Keep Mine Hidden”

38. “London”

37. “You’ve Got Everything Now”

36. “Still Ill”

35. “That Joke Isn’t Funny Anymore”

34. “Cemetery Gates”

33. “How Soon Is Now?”

32. “Shoplifters of the World Unite”

31. “Suffer Little Children”

30. “Reel Around the Fountain”

29. “Wonderful Woman” (aka “What Do You See In Him”)

28. “A Rush and a Push and the Land Is Ours”

27. “Pretty Girls Make Graves”

26. “Shakespeare’s Sister”

25. “Sheila Take a Bow”

24. “Half a Person”

23. “William, It Was Really Nothing”

22. “I Want the One I Can’t Have”

21. “The Hand That Rocks the Cradle”

20. “This Night Has Opened My Eyes”

19. “The Queen Is Dead”

18. “Barbarism Begins at Home”

17. “Hand in Glove”

16. “These Things Take Time”

15. “Sweet and Tender Hooligan”

14. “Bigmouth Strikes Again”

13. “Rusholme Ruffians”

12. “Accept Yourself”

11. “You Just Haven’t Earned It Yet, Baby”

10. “Rubber Ring”

9. “Jeane”

8. “Nowhere Fast”

7. “Girl Afraid”

6. “What Difference Does It Make?”

5. “What She Said”

4. “This Charming Man”

3. “Handsome Devil”

2. “There Is a Light That Never Goes Out”

1. “The Headmaster Ritual”

Related: The 85 Best Morrissey Solo Songs, In Order

“E-hoarding is a very new phenomenon,” says this report. I can’t wait until everything in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders is based on local news’ need to frame stories around the popular reality shows of the day. Are YOU an e-hoarder? E-Tell us in the e-comments! But don’t e-mail it to us, because we e-delete that stuff e-ASAP.

“There is something which is not going in the right direction for a democracy to have government leaders humiliated by having to spend hours in court while these important international events are taking place.”
 — Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, attending one of his four current trials, characterizes the charges as “pure invention.”

Tickets are apparently going fast for a strange evening this week: it’s a “live” magazine collaboration between Pop-Up Magazine and ESPN. Yes, they’re performing/making/having a magazine live on stage. It happens at the Skirball Center, on Wednesday, and if you want in, you better buy tickets now.

“Wi-fi internet access and other communications are at risk from global warming unless measures are taken to protect them from rising temperatures and stormier weather, a government report warned on Monday.” This is Britain, but hopefully the problem is universal, so that we might actually do something about it. Because if I can’t stream my movies on Netflix things are gonna have to change.

The Lake Show Closes

I should have known. Despite winning in six games, the Los Angeles Lakers pretty much mailed in the Hornets series. It was disquieting to see them struggle to contain Chris Paul, much less Trevor Ariza and Marco Belinilli. As I said last month, they looked so tired. Meanwhile, the Mavericks, when tested by the younger, more athletic Trail Blazers, responded forcefully, closing them out in six games as well. But I was fooled by the teams’ respective reputations: the Lakers as the-tough-get-going champions, the Mavericks as playoff underachievers. And so, to me, the path to the conference finals was clear for the Lakers. Pffft. What a joke.

To call it a sweep would be an understatement. It was more like a drubbing; a beat down; a prolonged humiliation. The Mavericks were incredible from pillar to post, and the Lakers behaved like the “Jersey Shore” cast, season three: stupid and lazy and obnoxious. Stories like this have begun appearing that make the team sound more like another Southern California icon, Fleetwood Mac. But… it would explain some things. The Lakers played selfishly on defense, refusing to help each other out, and nearly every player on the team gave a lackluster effort. Kobe tried to get his teammates involved, but they gave up on him after Game Two — when bundle of energy Ron Artest got bounced for a clothesline/smushface maneuver — and just went through the motions for the final two games.

Phil Jackson should be ashamed of his team and himself and, as I write this, he is busy nonchalantly heaping the entire blame on his players alone. It’s easy to say that the players play the game, and should therefore be responsible for what happens. Still, it was more than a lack of effort that left one Maverick sharpshooter open on every possession. There were many instances in which the Lakers appeared to have two players posting up on top of each other. I was so confused at the crippled triangle that I actually was hoping that guru Tex Winter was asleep during the game. Jackson is retiring and he should, although by September the rumors of him coaching the New York Knicks will begin to appear.

People are saying that team owner Dr. Jerry Buss should “blow up” the team. That’s far too dramatic. There are some other adjustments they could make. They need a point guard, first of all. A true point guard. And they need to stop treating Andrew Bynum as a future difference maker. He’s not even close to that. He’s large, but I would trade him and Lamar Odom to the Nets for Deron Williams and the Lopez twin so fast your head would spin. Two local boys (Odom from New York, Bynum from New Jersey) can help to take the team to Brooklyn. Sounds about right. Williams has yet to unpack anyway.

Derek Fisher, as I wondered last week, was in fact relying on muscle memory, not skill, and he has clearly reached the end of his road with the team. His terrible play during the entire series culminated in him nearly single-handedly throwing Game 3 away in its final moments.

There aren’t enough words to describe how lousy Pau Gasol was against the Mavericks. His hurt feelings aside, you need to show up in the playoffs. And while the players are getting lambasted for ending the game in a fit of unsportsmanlike behavior — Lamar Odom and Andrew Bynum getting bounced for hard fouls — I was less repulsed by their lack of sportsmanship. All series long, I was actually calling for someone to “squash” JJ Barea, so when Bynum clobbered him I thought, “Finally.” Not sure how he was permitted to conduct a dribbling clinic for four games, skipping through the lane with floaters, but had he been playing the Bad Boy-era Pistons or the ’95 Knicks, I would be speaking of him in the past tense this morning.

Heading into Saturday night’s Game Three, the Celtics-Heat was still a series, despite what you had read. All the Heat did in games one and two is hold home court. Then the Celtics came back on Saturday and put the smack down, literally, playing the kind of physical, relentless defense that is the mark of a championship club. The Heat play solid man-to-man defense, too, but they don’t possess the same nastiness. And half of their players are terrible.

When they saw Rajon Rondo return from a separated shoulder dislocated elbow — a near-miraculous development, in my eyes — the princes of South Beach wilted. Chris Bosh, the rugged power forward said as much: Game Four will be even more physical. If the Celtics prevail, then I still think it will be curtains for the Heat. If not… well, the Celtics clearly miss Kendrick Perkins, as we have discussed on numerous occasions.

In Memphis, the Grizzlies have shown a surprising resiliency, leading 2–1, thanks to Oklahoma City’s inexplicable shooting drought down the stretch of Game Three. The Thunder still has yet to play the quality of basketball that pushed the Lakers to the brink last year. I still expect that they will, but then again, I’m still waiting for the Blazers to beat the Mavericks. Nevertheless, I am still bullish on the Thunder’s chances, although I am less sure of the outcome that I was a week ago. The Grizzlies are tall, athletic, fearless and playing with house money, at this point. I keep waiting for someone to make Zach Randolph leave his feet, but I have a feeling that it will be a long wait.

I have three words for those who assumed the Chicago Bulls would be in the Eastern Conference Finals: ha ha ha. The Atlanta Hawks, who knotted the series at 2–2 last night, have rewarded my faith by outplaying the Bulls at every position other than, duh, point guard. Even though most people are still overlooking the Hawks, they would be advised not to. Derrick Rose can’t do it alone, the way that Jordan couldn’t do it alone. Not that anyone would compare Derrick Rose to Michael Jordan. Because that would be ludicrous. Right?

Tony Gervino is a New York City-based editor and writer obsessed with honing his bio to make him sound quirky. He can also be found here.

Photo by Keith Allison.

Warning: If you click this link, you will have the phrase “I don’t know where you be from/but I be from North Bergen, son,” rapped badly and repeatedly throughout your head for the next hour or two. Think twice.

You cannot cheat Sleep, and you cannot make it up to him: “Turns out, folks who get less than seven hours a night have accelerated aging in the brain, according to a study published last week in the journal Sleep. Their cognitive function is on par with someone who is three to seven years older. Surprisingly, getting too much sleep — more than nine hours a night — also appears to be linked to speeding the brain’s aging process.”

Speaking of Sleep, which I have apparently decided is a man, it is also affected by being burned out (also known as “exhaustion syndrome.”)

Although burnout is not recognized as a distinct psy­chiatric disorder, it seems to cause a unique profile of changes to neurological functioning, ac­cording to work by psychologist Agneta Sandström of Umeå University in Sweden. Sandström compared women with burnout, known formally as exhaustion syndrome, to women with major depression, and she found subtle but significant differences between the two groups. For instance, both groups of women had sleep difficulties, but women with depression reported waking too early, whereas women with chronic burnout had difficulties falling asleep.

Sandström also asked healthy women and those with ex­haustion syndrome and major depression to complete a work­ing-memory test. Both depressed and burned-out women found it hard to focus and remember simple details, compared with control women. But women with exhaustion syndrome had even lower brain activity, measured by functional MRI, during these memory tests than depressed women did.

Calm down and get some rest, I guess. I mean, you’re not going to, but it is probably soothing to think that you could. [Sleep link via]

Photo by reonis, from Flickr.

Defuniak Springs, Florida, east of Pensacola, just off the Elgin Air Force Base, recently had a heated run-off election, electing two new City Councilmembers and a City Marshal, and the Defuniak Herald brought word of their first city meeting. It sounds like it was very ugly, with gavel banging and stern words. Mac Work, one of the newly elected, proposed a city hiring freeze at his first opportunity, due to “budget issues.” (The city had four job openings, three of them in the police department.) The hiring freeze passed, so good, no new police for them. Fortunately, only one local woman has recently shot her friend in the face. The local paper hasn’t caught up to it yet, but shortly after this meeting, the city manager promptly resigned, with a vague statement that she didn’t feel she’d be able to get anything done. No joke. I think we should shut the city down and privatize it!

“An item in the Extra Bases baseball notebook last Sunday misidentified, in some editions, the origin of the name Orcrist the Goblin Cleaver, which Mets pitcher R. A. Dickey gave one of his bats. Orcrist was not, as Dickey had said, the name of the sword used by Bilbo Baggins in the Misty Mountains in ‘The Hobbit’; Orcrist was the sword used by the dwarf Thorin Oakenshield in the book. (Bilbo Baggins’s sword was called Sting.)”