Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009

The 85 Best Morrissey Solo Songs, In Order

85. The Father Who Must Be Killed
84. Let me Kiss You
83. Life is a Pigsty
82. Friday Mourning
81. I Knew I was Next
80. I Am Two People
79. Ganglord
78. Sing Your Life
77. There's a Place in Hell for Me and My Friends
76. I'm the End of the Family Line
75. The Ordinary Boys
74. Because of my Poor Education
73. He Cried
72. Sunny
71. Mexico
70. Will Never Marry
69. First of the Gang to Die
68. Mute Witness
67. Alma Maters
66. Seasick, Yet Still Docked
65. Driving Your Girlfriend Home
64. I Am Hated for Loving
63. Nobody Loves Us
62. My Life is a Succession of People Saying Goodbye
61. I'll Never Be Anybody's Hero Now
60. Come Back to Camden
59. Tomorrow
58. It's Not Your Birthday Any More
57. King Leer
56. Angel, Angel Down We Go Together
55. I Just Want to See the Boy Happy
54. Billy Budd
53. Best Friend on the Payroll
52. Southpaw
51. Christian Dior
50. If You Don't Like Me, Don't Look At Me
49. The Loop
48. Don't Make Fun of Daddy's Voice
47. Interesting Drug
46. At Amber
45. Hold on to Your Friends
44. Certain People I Know
43. He Knows I'd Love to See Him
42. Hairdresser on Fire
41. The Harsh Truth of the Camera Eye
40. Satan Rejected my Soul
39. I've Changed my Plea to Guilty
38. Mama Lay Softly on the Riverbed
37. Why Don't You Find Out For Yourself?
36. I Have Forgiven Jesus
35. In the Future When All's Well
34. I Like You
33. Found Found Found
32. Good Looking Man About Town
31. TIE: I Don't Mind if You Forget Me and I Know It's Going to Happen Someday
30. Will Never Marry
29. The National Front Disco
28. All the Lazy Dykes
27. Such a Little Thing Makes Such a Big Difference
26. I Know Very Well How I Got My Name
25. The World is Full of Crashing Bores
24. Picadilly Palare
23. We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful
22. Now My Heart is Full
21. Munich Air Disaster 1958
20. When Last I Spoke To Carol
19. Late Night, Maudlin Street
18. Our Frank
17. I Will See You in Far Off Places
16. Irish Blood, English Heart
15. Disappointed
14. Asian Rut
13. Black Cloud
12. Sister I'm a Poet
11. November Spawned a Monster
10. Every Day Is Like Sunday
9. Yes, I Am Blind
8. That's How People Grow Up
7. All You Need Is Me
6. You're the One for Me, Fatty
5. Something is Squeezing My Skull
4. Jack the Ripper
3. The Last of the Famous International Playboys
2. Spring-Heeled Jim
1. You're Gonna Need Someone on Your Side

96 Comments / Post A Comment

This is a necessary, erudite and fucking awesome task you have taken to, Choire. However:

1. The Last of the Famous International Playboys

johnnieutah (#2,241)


hungrybee (#2,091)

I bow before this wisdom.

phlox (#204)

I can't believe I missed this shit.

I never wanted to kill
I am not naturally evil
(Such things I do)
Just to make myself more attractive to you
Have I failed?

*Too bad you're not the marrying sort, Choire.

Slava (#216)

Throw that shit up on zShare!

ecgroom (#570)

Bored today Choire?

berthamason (#740)

Thank you, Choire.

Matt (#26)


HiredGoons (#603)

*clap *clap *clap

los (#2,394)

You've gone and opened up a huge can of Pandora's Worms.

Ranking is subjective, but this list, in all its scope, can't afford to leave out either "Suedehead" or "I'm OK By Myself."

These omissions are glaring, and baffling.

hazmathilda (#839)

I'll back you up re: Suedehead for sure

Alex was kind of mad about that as well! I gave it a fresh listen and I as like, hmm, I FEEL NOTHING.

berthamason (#740)

Suedehead is kind of a novelty song! It's OK to leave it off!

Here I was, thinking: "Where's Suedehead? Oh, must've been a Smiths' song".

I am so very ashamed.

los (#2,394)

I'd argue that Hairdresser On Fire is kind of a novelty song, but that doesn't make it ineligible for this list, nor should it.

I consider Suedehead the first part of a sort of "Apologies Trilogy," with 2004's "I'm Not Sorry", and this year's "Sorry Doesn't Help." Although I know that this is loose association by obvious lyrical clues.

Bittersweet (#765)

JudgeSmails, I thought at least four of these were Smiths songs, so there goes my Morrisey cred.

Thanks, Bitter. I was inches away from writing "My Lack of Morrissey Knowledge Caused My Autodefenestration".

Bittersweet (#765)

If anyone should be throwing themselves out of windows it's me, Judge. I couldn't even spell Morrissey right in my last comment.

86. "Last Night I Dreamt Someone Spelt my Name Wrong"

No Suedehead. You're a monster, Sicha.

LondonLee (#922)

How is Suedehead a "novelty song" and Hairdresser on Fire and You're The One For Me, Fatty aren't?

I hate to be crushingly predictable but Every Day Is Like Sunday has to be #1.

berthamason (#740)

Oh God forgive me — I confused "Suedehead" and "Disappointed" in my head! "Disappointed" is un peu novelty with the "How Soon Is Now"-ish riff. "Suedehead" is in no way a novelty song and I am sickened by my error.

lempha (#581)

At first I was very scandalized by this disinclusion, but now I kind of like it — gives the thing a little more of an edge or something.

barnhouse (#1,326)

LondonLee: YES.

Yay! The Awl is now a Bear AND Morrissey news aggregator.

hazmathilda (#839)

And this is why I liiiiiike you…

HonoriaGlossop (#1,247)

Tomorrow at 59? Wow. That's in my top 10, easy. Possibly even top 5, but further calculations will be required.

dado (#102)

I suppose 85 is apropos, given his 1985 apogee.

Basilh (#2,395)

I registered solely to say – where is Suedehead? Travesty. So, mission accomplished with this post?

Alex Pareene (#278)

86. "Oh, I'm Terribly Bored, This Morning"
87. "Picnic With a Werewolf Bride"
88. "Let's Kick the Darkies Out of England, Charles"

89. "Heavens to Betsy"
90. "Last Night a Meat Eater Killed Your Baby"
91. "The Velveteen Touch of a Dandy Fop (Mr. Show Cover)"

These Mints are Only Vaguely Minty

KarenUhOh (#19)

When you're ready to do this with Mott the Hoople songs, give me a call.

dado (#102)

It'd have to be a Bob Mould listicle.

LondonLee (#922)

1) All The Way From Memphis
2) All The Young Dudes
3) Saturday Gigs
4) Honaloochie Boogie
5) Roll Away The Stone

Alex Pareene (#278)

89. "Go Away"
90. "I'm Afraid He Can't Come to the Line As He's Dead"
91. "Catherine, I Dislike You"

Olivia2.0 (#1,716)

Parnee –
90. “I’m Afraid He Can’t Come to the Line As He’s Dead”
Really, I mean, I'm laughing so hard at that one I'm going to have to step outside my office to get it together.

I Have Been Peeved
Yesterday Was a Dusty Luncheon
There Are Cars in My Driveway

These Children Have Some Diseases

Alex Balk (#4)

You're Aware That I'm Slightly Hearing Impaired?
We're All Vexed With The Bloomsbury Set
My Uncle Was Quite Fond Of The Queen Mother

LondonLee (#922)

We Hate It When Johnny Marr Becomes Successful
Last Night I Did The Dusting
There Is A Light That Never Goes Out, I Don't What's Wrong With It I Thought of Calling an Electrician But They're So Expensive These Days

kryz (#311)

“Catherine, I Dislike You” might be the funniest thing ever. (Or today. But still…)

You Have Stolen My Flatware

hnice (#2,311)

1. All you need is me. I'm an olde-timey fan, but when I heard this one this year, my jaw hit the floor. "There's a naked man standing laughing in your dreams / You know who it is, but you don't like what it means." POW!

I really must agree that this is an excellent song–lyrically, it is definitely the Morrisseyist of Morrisseyism. It actually should be the blogger anthem. And?

And you ask me what will I be /
When I grow up to be a man /
Um, nothing.

I mean: what's the emoticon for LOL/EYE ROLL?

the Loud Coast (#1,362)

Now we can begin voting for the list of the best Morrissey song titles yes?

lbf (#2,343)

We can start competing for best made-up Morrissey song title.

the Loud Coast (#1,362)

"I Don't Really Like Animals Anymore"
"You're Like a Beautiful Rainbow That Hates Me"
"Never Stick Out the Lease"
"The Colors of the Street"
"I Left My Self Esteem at Your Place"
"Dislike is Our Favorite Kind"

Olivia2.0 (#1,716)

Dude, Jack the Ripper for #1.

Pintonator (#2,236)

0. You Have Killed Me

coleslaw (#593)

Can we argue about this by category? The National Front Disco should so beat Asian Rut in racist ditties, and Jack the Ripper blows Spring-Heeled Jim out of the water in rough trade….

Uncle Grambo (#579)

"The Never Played Symphonies" should be Top 30 material. Also, why the hate for "Ouija Board, Ouija Board"? Your #1 choice is money, though.

Ken Layne (#262)

"In the Future When All Is Well" needs to be Top Ten, CHOIRE. But thank you for this service-y journalism.

mrschem (#1,757)


threeisgreen (#2,413)

second my love life

Flashman (#418)

Now do the Wedding Present

Matt (#26)

The Fall.

Flashman (#418)

I can't wait that long!

HonoriaGlossop (#1,247)

The Jam. (I spent my entire commute home yesterday trying to do this in my head.)

Omotenium (#1,504)

The More You Ignore Me, the Close I Get

barnhouse (#1,326)

Yes yes my very favorite one, maybe.

Mackle (#446)

I'm drinking Hennessy with Morrissey
On a beach out of reach somewhere very far away"

- Art Brut, Moving to LA

katiechasm (#163)

Art Brut really went downhill after their first songs. Rusted Guns of Milan was afuckingMAZING.

QueenWasp (#926)

I don't know. What a Rush and The Replacements off the latest album are pretty great.

edward (#2,403)

any long term fan cannot dispute Morrissey was better with the Smiths than solo. his best solo stuff was early after they split. viva hate! ALSATIAN COUSIN,first track,first solo album..brilliant.

Helman (#209)

Gah! This list killed me!! Why all the love for later, snarky, not-poetic Morrissey. More to the point: how can Sunny (have you seen the video?? It is gorgeous.); Seasick But Still Docked; I am Hated for Loving You; and — most spectacularly — Tomorrow, all be ranked so low?? I'm baffled. (Also, All You Need Is Me? Really? He wrote that on the toilet.)

Helman (#209)

(Although I am tickled that When I Last Spoke to Carol is here. Vaguely woman hating and insubstantial, but gorgeous. Also, where is Bengali?)

p.s. I sound like a loon and I know it.

Yes, but the kind of loon I want to HUG!

Every Morrissey melody is the same four notes. For each new song, he just sings those four notes in a different, random order.

That's the secret of the Morrissey melody.

**ducks and runs away from angry fans**

numbersix (#85)

You speak truth.

Bittersweet (#765)

And usually slightly flat.

johnny_virtue (#674)

where's "the boy racer"? otherwise, very well done indeed.

katiechasm (#163)

Will Never Marry is on here twice and where is You Have Killed Me? "Piazza Cavour, what's my life for," etc.

DENNER (#1,763)

Tomorrow is the best and no doubt in Top 5, but I'd really have to say that Why Don't You Find Out For Yourself is one hundred times the song that Irish Blood English Heart is. That's fact.

Yes, you are correct.

Is there a word for the abject misery that comes from discovering a blog or thread that all your life you dreamed you would come across, only to get to it too late, when everybody is so done with it, and you're like "Hey, I have SO MUCH I want to say, please, and like I've been dreaming of this opportunity to say it? Hello? Anybody?"

I came back because I loved this post so much. And I kind of hoped Pareene had written some more made-up Morrissey song titles.

I know! And I have tons I'd like to contribute too, but it would be like coming up with a come-back two days later.

jolie (#16)

@Sweetness: I don't know, but it should definitely be the title of a Morrissey song.

CoreyA (#2,417)

Asian Rut #14? Really?

Speedway isn't in the Top 85?? No. F**king. Way.

etartane (#2,426)

Seconded! So many brilliant lyrics in that one. "I'll always be true to you…" Plus, chainsaw.

CoreyA (#2,417)

Chainsaw! Exactly.

etartane (#2,426)

Also Alsatian Cousin is epic and no Glamorous Glue?

PeppyBismilk (#2,427)

I think ya'll need to get on it and write Morrissey a fan letter!! Go over to and write him one! The best part is, you can win $200 by doing so! He might very well see it and you could win $200, it's a win-win situation, no?

3 hours late… but just in case anyone's still paying attention and you haven't heard this, it's Morrissey's BBC interview last sunday giving his own top ten of other artists' songs and a tooth-pullingly awkward interview:

Morrissey on Desert Island Discs

Flashman (#418)

Fantastic, RR, thanks! I'mnot even a fan of the solo Moz, but this is great, he's funny and he has some really interesting choices. And it's just like old times right now, listening to Radio4 on a lazy weekend morning (including a snippet of The Archers!)

Ah! Sunday ain't Sunday without Joe Grundy…

Flashman (#418)

"Nothing. Nothing comforts me at all. I think the world is a mesmerising mess."

Flashman (#418)

KarenUhOh, in case you happen to come back here: his final pick is a track by Mott the Hoople!

nautilusjv (#2,458)

Intriguing…but what about Suedehead? It would be close to the top for me. And I would move up Interesting Drug and November Spawned A Monster, but mainly because I am mired in nostalgia right now…

tanjk (#2,599)

We'll Let You Know? Speedway?

Charles Bogle (#8,706)

@tanjk Both Speedway and Sing Your Life belong in the top ten.

@kerns (#12,164)

@Charles Bogle You are at least half right.

@kerns (#12,164)

Happy to see #3 and #4. Deeply puzzled (see also: troubled) over #1 and #2. And yes, where on Earth are "Suedehead", "The More You Ignore Me the Closer I Get"?, and "Dear God, Please Help Me"?

It's as if you are intentionally omissive in order to bait comments from helpless fans. ;-)

Oz Herrera@facebook (#234,797)

FUCK THAT, 1. Speedway

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