For once, what all the tech blogs say is true! The Turntable iPhone app is out and it’s gooood. Not that many people at all use Turntable, it’s strange to say, but it’s a really smart company that’s built a great product and is trying to keep it on the up-and-up.

To login, you just need a Facebook friend that’s logged in. (I’ll be your friend!) Turntable’s at its best, secretly, when you use it as a radio. Five people competing to entertain you in the genre of music you like best? Uh, what’s not to love?

People who “DJ” in Turntable say it’s a little tricky to manage the queue interface, but why would you bother to do that from your iPhone anyway? Now we have reinvented the portable radio. (But better!)

“When Hurricane Irene barreled up the U.S. Eastern coastline, the storm left behind a path of widespread damage — and a generous helping of mysterious, squishy gray blobs in shallow waters and beaches from Virginia to New York, according to news reports. ‘They’re pretty disgusting looking,’ Cathy Hopkins of Hampton, Va., told local media outlet the Daily Press. Hopkins spotted dozens of the nasty floating blobs — many of which give off a powerful stench — near the mouth of the Poquoson River, off the Chesapeake Bay.” But what are they? CLICK IF YOU DARE.

“There probably aren’t any tiny ants feeling their way over your limbs and across the back of your neck right now. But wouldn’t you feel better scratching anyway? Why is it that seeing, discussing, or even just thinking about creepy crawlers makes us feel itchy all over?” NOBODY KNOWS!

When I read last fall that Marc and J.Lo were designing clothing line at Kohl’s, I thought, well, now they can’t break up. Who else besides each other could they really expect to weather the shame? I mean, J.Lo is an international superstar. Marc Anthony is a gross international superstar. Kohl’s is the place that everyone thinks is Mervyns and already closed.

To refer to this particular Sacramento-area Kohl’s store as “open” is an overstatement. The place is humid with recession and whatever it is that keeps fabric from rotting in storage containers. At 1 p.m. on a Sunday, the only people around seemed mostly up to no good, like the two teenage girls holding Vera Wang for Kohl’s earrings up to their nipples. Moving towards the men’s department, I saw two mothers, both with the Scotch-tape-width blonde highlights native to this area, cheering their scowling teenage sons into cotton-poly white shirts and poly-poly ties for a school dance. When the salesman — his young sideburns scraped into shape, his own cotton poly-blend white shirt fitting him like a parachute; the kind of nice, smart kid who would be in college if we didn’t live in a failed state — said to me, “Welcome to Kohl’s. Can I help you?” I felt all but compelled to say, “Only if you can somehow reverse the trajectory of my life so that this moment never takes place.”

J.Lo is, of course, unsinkable. (I’d also like to mention that I love her, and I’m just doing my job here.) She’s shooting two movies and some horrible dance song she sings is, I don’t know, out there in the world and making money even though everyone who hears it has to be like, Gee, who in my apartment building would be practicing for their Quinceañera on a Casio? It’s probably really no skin off her suspiciously-thinner-since-about-2000 nose that the J.Lo for Kohl’s sexy stuff looks like shreds of shower curtain hung over strands of Mardi Gras beads and the knit stuff looks like what comes out of an owl’s asshole a few hours after it eats a squirrel. She said (and yes, I know, she has to) these clothes reflect her personal style but the only way she would ever even touch any of this stuff would be if she got her period at Raging Waters and had to stuff something in her panties. (N.B. I can’t emphasize enough how much I hate the word ‘panties.’ But let me tell you something: J.Lo does not wear ‘underpants.’)

Marc Anthony for Kohl’s isn’t going to win any awards, but fortunately for him, it’s not hideous. Let’s face it: Marc needs this. I mean, to me, he is a Latino ectomorph with an anger problem — in short, fucking catnip — but to the rest of the world, he’s the guy who J.Lo just dumped and whose TNT show that no one heard of anyway just got cancelled. Bradley Cooper is not going to be taking him to Per Se anytime soon. If Marc Anthony wants to get through this new chapter in his life, there’s only one person on whom he’s going to be able to rely, and that person is Marc Anthony. Perhaps he has been waiting for this moment his whole life — a time when survival will mean clothing himself in himself.

It was to this end that I brought my boyfriend Rob to Kohl’s and put the question to him: what challenges do you think Marc will be facing in the coming months? What Marc Anthony for Kohl’s outfit do you think would help him meet that challenge?

Traveling cross-country from his Long Island mansion to pick up Max and Emme at J.Lo’s in Hidden Hills.

Those first-class cabins can get chilly and, even more importantly, Marc has been accused by both the media and J.Lo of being dominating and controlling. Presumably both parties will be watching closely to see how Marc presents himself as a father, and I think we can all agree that nothing says contrite and humble like a zippered white sweater. Underneath, a snug black v-neck t-shirt with one of those inexplicably fashionable giant bleach stains serves to remind Marc that even if he is all Señor Rogers on the outside, he can hand this sweater off to the coatgirl at Mynt or Asia de Cuba and, suddenly, he is once again el rey de bulging ligaments y corazon puro. Rob loved wearing this sweater. “It just made me feel like Marc Anthony. I could really picture putting it on, and then I could picture taking it off, and when the night is over, and it’s time to slip quietly out of a 24-year-old Nordstrom model’s studio into a waiting town car, I can picture having a dull hangover and staring at the acrylic/wool/nylon/polyester knit wondering how many meetings went into choosing this particular acrylic/wool/nylon/polyester knit over the scores of others.”

Seeing his divorce attorney.

Presuming Marc does not find his way back onto J.Lo’s block with his cardigan sweater, he’s going to be spending some time at his attorney’s. This is going to call for more of a power outfit. The slim-cut dress slacks in black and slim-cut dress shirt in grey here are classic choices, but what will really set Marc apart from your average guy is the choice of a more casual jacket over a standard blazer. “When I put this on, I could really feel Marc Anthony’s pride,” Rob said. “I could feel that he is from the same broad ethnic category that gave us Bolívar, Guevara, Pinochet. In this jacket, he is saying to the world, hey, if J.Lo were getting a divorce from Ben Affleck right now, he’d be wearing a blazer to meet with his attorney. But I’m not just some blanquito who makes movies where rich dudes who went to Harvard pretend to be poor. Yo soy Marc Anthony, and I ‘designed’ a jacket that’s kind of like a Members Only jacket, but warmer and with a slight military feel — epaulets, box pleat chest pockets — to evoke the revolutionary struggles of my people. Now, please make sure I get to keep that house in Long Island because I really don’t want to have to move that brown chair in which I like to sit and listen to Celine Dion songs while watching NASCAR on one TV and Anthony Bourdain on the other, with the sound off.”

Sneaking around.

Another activity we expect Marc will engage in in the coming weeks: continued trysts with Jada Pinkett Smith. (Either that or they will get together because he has to return her “Remington Steele” DVDS.) At any rate, he will want to be incognito, which is why he might choose to brave J.Lo’s section of the store in order to obtain one of her many fire hazards, er, scarves, in which to wrap his head. Reports Rob: “I really like the tough fabric of this jacket. Also, this military theme in my clothing, well, it’s endlessly helpful. I totally feel like I could take Will Smith in this, and even though that’s probably not true, it’s still short enough that I could run away from him.” But the disguise means it probably wouldn’t come to that. “I feel confident that no one would recognize me as Marc Anthony wearing this scarf,” said Rob.

Standing before the world as a man with nothing left to lose.

After he’s been picking up the kids for a while in his zippered white sweater with no visible melting from J.Lo, Marc will realize it’s time to lay all his cards on the table. This shirt’s message, Nada Me Puede Detener (Nothing Can Stop Me), is a cry from Marc’s soul. “He might not have it in him to wear this T-shirt right now, but in a few months, he will slip into this enzyme-treated cotton and feel immediately that he is really the man that he always wanted to be,” Rob predicts. “And then he will try to make a face like he is making in his Marc Anthony for Kohl’s promotional materials, and he will feel like himself. Or he will feel like a bald Enterprise Support Technician at a small software company, and he will try to make that face, and end up making the face that I am making. Either way, I know that in Marc Anthony for Kohl’s, Marc Anthony is going to be alright.”

Sarah Miller is the author of Inside the Mind of Gideon Rayburn and The Other Girl, which are for teens but adults can read on the beach. She lives in Nevada City, CA.

California is dumping nearly half of all women inmates in state prisons back into society, or at least into “house arrest.” The criteria is “Mothers who were convicted of non-serious, non-sexual crimes and have two years or less remaining on their sentences.” The inmates are being released, of course, because the courts declared the overcrowding of prisons way out of bounds. (30,000 must get transfered to county jails or released home — some will go to treatment programs or halfway houses.) The bill that helped plan the release of inmates very carefully included the phrase “primary caregiver” of children, so as to be gender-neutral — although, somehow, there are no plans yet to release men. Prepare for thousands of children to be ripped from foster care settings and reunited with their moms, who are unable to leave the house except for school or work. That sounds awesome, having a mom who’s always home. (Although I guess if you’re an angry teen, you can just run out and your mom can’t follow!) But really: see you again soon, courts! I truly look forward to the lawsuit where childless women still in prison sue the hell out of California.

by Thomas Golianopoulos

This year’s U.S. Open featured breakthroughs for promising Americans such as Donald Young, John Isner and Sloane Stephens; instant classic matches (including the 2nd rounder between Gael Monfils and Juan Carlos Ferrero); the longest tie-breaker in women’s Grand Slam history (between eventual champion Samantha Stosur and Maria Kirilenko); the longest women’s U.S. Open match (between Stosur and Nadia Petrova); lots of rain; lots of scheduling mishaps; and, what could be, the seeds of a possible union for tennis players. Still, the three biggest storylines of the 2011 U.S. Open unfolded during its final weekend.

3. Roger Federer, Choke Artist?
Roger Federer — #3 seed, 16-time Grand Slam event winner, Greatest Tennis Player of All Time — had just had his serve broken again by world No. 1 Novak Djokovic and was down 6–5 in the fifth and final set of Saturday’s U.S. Open semifinal match. And instead of cutting to commercial, CBS stuck with the live feed from Arthur Ashe Stadium, leaving a camera on Federer during the changeover. The five-time former U.S. Open champ sat in his chair and toweled off his forearms, face and mouth. He then flicked at his hair. He looked detached. It was truly compelling television. I mean that. It was an eerie calm.

“It’s like Borg,” John McEnroe said during the telecast, comparing Federer to his own old rival, “The Ice Man” Bjorn Borg. “You have no idea what this guy is thinking. It’s incredible after what he’s been through, what he’s given that he just sits there. You look at him right now and think he’s in a practice session.”

I’ll tell you what the guy was thinking. It was, Oh no. Not Again.

Djokovic served out the match and for the second consecutive Grand Slam event, Federer had blown a two set to none lead. He’d been 178–0 in such scenarios prior to losing to Jo-Wilfried Tsonga this June in the Wimbledon Quarterfinals. (It must be noted that Federer almost blew a two set to none lead this year in the second round of the Australian Open against Gilles Simon. Federer won the fifth set.)

Minutes earlier, Federer held two match points on his own serve but then Djokovic hit what we’ll look back at as tennis’ version of The Shot Heard ‘Round the World or The Immaculate Reception. On Federer’s first match point, Djokovic uncoiled and hit a breathtaking cross-court forehand return off a Federer first serve for a winner. It seemed to relax Djokovic. Federer, meanwhile, was rattled. (Federer later called it a “lucky shot.”) He shanked a few forehands, threw in an ugly double fault and was cooked.

It was a shocking turn of events but, then again, it really wasn’t. Here’s a dirty little secret about Roger Federer: At times, his nerves get the best of him — I know, you’re shocked to discover that tennis cyborgs get flustered too — — he’s a mediocre 16–14 in matches that go the full five sets. Federer bristled at Wimbledon when confronted with these numbers. “When I was probably losing four matches a year, I wasn’t even in fifth sets,” he said. “I could have done nicely for my record and gone down two sets to one in every match and probably still would have won in five because I was so much better than everybody else.”

From 2004–2007, Roger Federer went 315–24 with 42 titles, including eleven Grand Slams and three year-end Masters Cups. But, at times, he folded in deciding sets — even during his prime: The 2004 Olympics vs. Berdych; the 2005 Australian Open semifinals vs. Safin; the 2005 year-end final vs. Nalbandian (where, again, he was up two sets to none); and the 2006 Italian Open final vs. Nadal. It’s happened with alarming frequency since then: the 2008 Wimbledon final vs. Nadal; the 2009 Australian Open final vs. Nadal; the 2009 U.S. Open final vs. Del Potro and Saturday against Djokovic. In fact, Federer has lost so many big matches in heartbreaking fashion that, sometimes, you forget that he’s won 16 Grand Slams.

So, where does Federer, 30, go from here? (One thing’s for sure, he won’t disappear into the ether like Borg.) He’s the third best player in the world. But it’s hard to imagine him winning another major. He could look at Pete Sampras’ last Grand Slam title at the 2002 U.S. Open for inspiration. Sampras, too, was old (31) and tumbling down the rankings (he was seeded 17th at the 2002 Open). But here’s what happened: The draw opened up for him, and he got lucky. Sampras beat up on journeymen like Tommy Haas, Greg Rusedski and Sjeng Schalken on his way to the finals that year. There, he met, and, of course, defeated his old punching bag, Andre Agassi. He avoided Marat Safin and Lleyton Hewitt, the top-ranked players who’d knocked him out the past two years in the finals. They lost early that year. When was the last time Djokovic or Nadal lost early?

2. Serena Williams’ Meltdown
In her first U.S. Open since threatening a line judge in 2009 — “If I could, I’d take this fucking ball and shove it down your fucking throat” — Serena Williams threw another temper tantrum and lost another big match against another inspired opponent. It was a volatile change to the narrative that’d been scripted over the past two weeks. Before Sunday’s final, Serena Williams, laughably seeded 28th, hadn’t lost a set and looked untouchable, rifling aces, overpowering opponents and tracking down every ball in play. The final against Samantha Stosur was supposed to be a formality. But then, the Aussie, a talented player who has struggled with confidence issues, played the hard-court match of her life. (It can be said that her upset over Justine Henin in the fourth round of the 2010 French Open was even more impressive.)

In the first game of the second set, Williams hit an apparent forehand winner and yelled “Come on” before the ball landed. Chair Umpire Eva Asderaki correctly cited the “hindrance” rule and awarded the point to Stosur, giving her the game and the break of serve. Williams scolded Asderaki during the changeover. “You ever see me walking down the hall, look the other way. Because you’re out of control, totally out of control. You’re a hater and you’re unattractive inside,” she said. “What a loser. You give a code violation because I expressed who I am? We’re in America last I checked. … Don’t look at me. I promise you don’t look at me ’cause I am not the one. Don’t look my way.”

Williams didn’t lose the match because of that one point or because she lost her concentration following the tirade. Stosur played great. She served well, kept her slice backhand low and controlled baseline rallies with her powerful inside-out forehand. (Maybe her newly hired sports psychologist helped?) Williams looked a bit sluggish too and seemed affected from playing on back-to-back days.

Williams has been screwed by bad calls in the past — the 2004 U.S. Open quarterfinals vs. Jennifer Capriati and the 2003 French Open semifinals vs. Henin — but her actions on Sunday are tough to defend. To the casual tennis fan, it might seem like she’s being held to a different standard than her ill-tempered male counterparts. That is not true. Just last month in Cincinnati, Andy Roddick was docked a point for on-court behavior. Going further back, in 1990, John McEnroe defaulted a match and was ejected from the Australian Open for berating a chair umpire and a supervisor. These days, McEnroe’s rants are looked back on with rose-colored glasses but he was despised during his days; The New York Times once called him, “the worst advertisement for our system of values since Al Capone.” Unfortunately, Williams’ attitude has again overshadowed her remarkable tennis.

1. Novak Djokovic, King
Novak Djokovic is now the most dominant athlete in sports and with the tennis season winding down, his stat line is nearly complete: 64–2 with three Grand Slam titles. Most impressive is his 6–0 record (all in finals) against Rafael Nadal. He’s beaten him on hard courts (Indian Wells, Miami, New York), clay (Madrid, Rome) and grass (Wimbledon). Just twelve months ago, Nadal had won his third Grand Slam event of the season, punctuating his spot atop the post-Federer era. His reign would only last one year.

Judging from his interviews and off-court behavior, Nadal is a sweet guy, contemplative and classy. Yet, during a match, he’s kind of a bully. He plays at his own deliberate pace and pushes opponents around with his relentless groundstrokes and overbearing topspin. Djokovic is the first player to stand up to the bully. Whereas Federer, even in his prime, couldn’t handle Nadal — blame Fed’s one-handed backhand and stubbornness — Djokovic looks comfortable against him. Djokovic hits deep groundstrokes, isn’t afraid of crosscourt exchanges — hitting his tremendous two-handed backhand to Nadal’s lefty forehand — and, somehow, manages to always find Nadal’s backhand, which is the much weaker of his two wings. He also crushes every ball that Nadal leaves short in the court. This has all left Nadal a little bewildered. It’s been said plenty of times this season but bears repeating: When playing against Djokovic, Nadal gets that same baffled, disheartened look on his face that Federer gets against Nadal. He can’t figure out how to beat him.

Yesterday’s final was a magnificent capper to the tournament. It featured high-level of play from both guys, plenty of drama and a raucous crowd that pulled for Nadal when he faced elimination in the third set but then exploded for Djokovic in the fourth. There’s not much praise left to heap upon the champ. If Djokovic wins the year-end tournament in November, it’s the greatest season in history for a male tennis player. Nadal, however, must be commended for his fight. It’ll be interesting to see where they both go from here. The Grand Slams are over but the season extends through the fall. From here, there is the Asian hard-court season and then, my favorite, the European indoor hard-court season. (The latter features a fast surface that favors shotmakers.)

During last night’s trophy ceremony, Nadal said, “This guy is doing unbelievable things. Congratulations, Novak. Congratulations for everything… What you did this year is probably impossible to repeat.” He’s right. Federer won three Grand Slams each season in 2004, 2006 and 2007, but appeared more vulnerable with time. Nadal looked unbeatable in 2010 but was then trumped by a new rival. We’re already speculating on Djokovic’s demise. It’s the most interesting storyline in tennis: How will it happen? Who will take down Novak Djokovic?

Thomas Golianopoulos is a writer living in New York City whose work has appeared in The New York Times, New York Observer, Spin, Vibe and a few other places. You can follow him on Twitter.

Photos by lev radin, via Shutterstock.

“Jennifer Connelly’s new born her baby girl Agnes, looks a super cute comfy in that colorful sling. It’s be a shame if David Bowie stole her! HA! Luck for Jen and Paul the Labyrinth is just a movie.”
 — Perez Hilton launched a new site that is “a fun space on celebrity parents and all children.” (“FILED UNDER: CELEB KIDZ CUTE KIDZ PEREZCIOUS PARENTING”)

You know that vague, persistent fear that it’s all gone wrong, that we’ve pretty much dug a hole so big that even if we had the ability to get ourselves out of it — itself a doubtful proposition — our petty grievances and broken institutions would prevent us from acting in such a way to do so? That terrible feeling of resignation that we’ve used up all our luck, even the dumb kind that has bailed us out so many times before, and now we’re really going to have to pay — physically, emotionally, spiritually — for all of the bad faith and reckless exuberance that we always assumed came without consequences? The sense that everything is going to fall apart and all we can do is stand back and watch it with our hands over our open mouths? Well, you are absolutely right to have that feeling, because that is exactly what’s happening. But at least the weekend weather looks good.

Photo by Songquan Deng, via Shutterstock

Ladies, what if a guy said to you, “Let your guard down/Let this brother enter/Your private garden?” Would you let him draw on you in day-glo body paint? If he promised to be gentle? Would you paint on him back? What if you were on the beach in Puerto Rico? What if it was Stringer Bell from “The Wire”?

“High-end fashion brands have a problem. Let’s call it the ‘Kreayshawn quandary,’ after the young Bay Area rapper made famous by the Internet and her hit song ‘Gucci, Gucci,’ which has gotten over 16 million views on YouTube.”
 — Oh God please can we not?