The Columnist’s Vacation
Before I begin the next episode of the Mr. Wrong column, which is on Vacation, topicwise, and simultaneously “on vacation,” I want to remind all you Gentle Readers that this is a column. According to the Collins English Dictionary, which was the first thing I found on the Internet when I Googled “History of the word column” at it, a column is — in the number five (b) slot of meanings of the word “column” — supposed to be:
a. any of two or more vertical sections of type on a printed page, esp on a newspaper page
b. a regular article or feature in a paper: the fashion column
The Mr. Wrong column is journalism, har! And not in “quotes”! It’s not a blog or a tumblr, or a Tweeter, or any of that stuff , and I take it very seriously, columning. In further support of the above definition example, I even columned a Fashion column last week, about socks. Fashion! I probably won’t be doing too many more of those, though. But I would like to thank everyone who sent in tips to my firstname.lastname@example.org email address with respect to what kind of socks I should buy.
Look, the one major primary distinguishing characteristic-thing about a column is it is supposed to be regular, you know? This column started on newspaper-print, and those things used to come out on the regular, so here on the Internet, I strive to “file” my column that way, OK? Regular! I’m just saying sometimes they (The Awl) take a day off, like Presidents Day, which I wrote about in a The Mr. Wrong column a while back that I put up on Twitter because The Awl was on a holiday break, so they Did Not Want, which is fine, but just because a thing is Vacant doesn’t mean my column is, you know? What? So I file the Mr. Wrong column on the regular, whether they want it or not! And that goes double for you! So look, until it gets fired, or The Awl figures out a better way to block it besides being “on vacation” and then trying to change their address so I can’t find it, right now the Mr. Wrong column goes on the pixels of The Awl on Mondays, but if you don’t see it there, it’s not because I didn’t poop one out, OK? Time and Space are meaningless on the Internet. I’ve columned it before and I’ll column it again: ABC! Always Be Columning!
So right now, if you are reading this column before March 7, 2013, I am still on my well-deserved Vacation in sunny Florida, which is where they invented the whole idea of FLORIDA MAN, because Florida is America, and so right now I am FLORIDA MAN. My vacation schedule in Florida is tentative and Subject to Change Without Notice, but right now it includes eating a Fried Grouper sandwich, drinking an undetermined quantity of Yago Sangria®, and long walks on the beach. Plus I am probably gonna go to a buncha thrift stores and not just because I can’t get this fucking song out of my head. So in preparation for this, my Vacation, I wrote my column (which is about being on Vacation) before I was vacant, and then it gets filed in my vacancy, and no one’s the wiser, especially me!
Futhermore, and nota bene, I put “I’ve columned it before” because of the thing about this guy who plagiarized his blog or whatever and got in trouble. I copy myself all the time, but I like to think of it as repeating myself, so it’s not plagiarizing, it’s more like being Annoying and saying the same stuff over and over and overandover again, because I mean it, just like when I complain about my column.
The Mr. Wrong Column will be back next week, but you won’t notice the difference.
Previously: The Menace of Men’s Socks