AARRROOOO!!! Now, right now, is Super Bowl! This week! The most American week of all! Super Bowl has more America™ in it than Fourth of July, Election Day, the Academy Awards, NASCAR, and Tet all rolled up into one, and now is the time when America has Super Bowl all up in it!
Super Bowl is here for America, the Whole America! Super Bowl is here for you! Even if you don’t want it! Especially if you don’t want it! Super Bowl will football you until you love it! Super Bowl is here for the 47%, and the 98%, and the 99%, and it is brought to you by the One Percent! All the teevee advertising-spot space is sold! For kabillions of millions of dollars!
Money! Super Bowl is that! You might be able to make some, too, if you make a bet someplace, but you don’t have to know anything about gambling! All you gotta do is pick a square on one of those office pick-a-square things, and then you will be assigned a random set of numbers that could match the score, and you can root or pray for those numbers! Math!
You don’t have to know jack-squat about football to get in on Super Bowl! All you gotta do is plotz in front of a TV someplace and it will be there, waiting for you! On TV, you cannot “counter-program” Super Bowl! Because it will be on every channel! Only disguised! It will be disguised as “The Puppy Bowl,” or it will be disguised as the “Sex & The City Bowl,” or “The Real Housewives of Orange County Bowl,” or “The Romantic B&W Movies from the ’40s Bowl!” Super Bowl will be disguised as America!
You can protest Super Bowl if you want, but what are you gonna do, “Occupy” Super Bowl? You can’t Occupy™ Super Bowl! Super Bowl Occupations itself! With Roman Numerals! XLVII! That’s how you know we have big-D Democracy! Because of the Roman Numerals! They were handed down to Super Bowl by the Roman Emperors who invented Bread & Circuses! If the Romans were around now, they who were about to die would salute with a Chicken Wing on their way into the Colosseum!
Super Bowl stuffs itself with food! Pizza! Stuffed-crust pizza! “Queso dip” made outta RO*TEL and Velveeta and microwaved until it explodes inside your microwaver and your mouth-hole in that order! Chili! Doritos! A hollowed-out bread filled with dill dip for dipping raw vegetables (ugh) into!
And: Beer! Super Bowl is Beer! So much beer! It can be snobby beer or beer-beer!
Super Bowl Entertains You with celebrities and popular recorded-music stars who may or may not be pretending to sing along to the music they may or may not have recorded! Super Bowl reminds you and the whole Wide World of Sports who is boss with the implications of the combined Military Might of the United States of America as represented by a “fly over” of powerful and frightening flying machines! Sometimes the President of the United States of America watches Super Bowl, or even calls Super Bowl on his POTUS-phone to congrats the winners! They sing The Star-Spangled National Anthem at Super Bowl, plus stuff like “America the Beautiful” and songs about having a party and getting it started in here, because Super Bowl is a Democratic and Republican Party whirled together ’til you puke!
Super Bowl is always on a Sunday, in the manner of a Day of Worship, because! Enjoy all your Gods, Super Bowl is not jealous! Pray for Super Bowl! Pray for your team, if you know one that’s playing! Pray for the Coin Toss! The Extra Point! Pray that The Enemy doesn’t take advantage of where Our Nation’s Attention is focused, seriously!
Previously: The Terrible Truth About Cats & Dogs
Joe MacLeod is busy making one of those grids with the squares where you pick a square and you don’t have to know anything about football.