The Terrible Truth About Cats & Dogs

I think it’s good to have a pet animal. I know there are people starving and war and stuff and we should probably focus on humans, but pets are highly therapeutic for a lot of people who are lonely or don’t relate to other humans very well, and while I am not exactly a huge fan of those depressing abused-animal commercials with the Wendie Malick voiceover on TV, there are lots of abandoned animals that would make good pets for people. Mostly dogs, I think? Dogs are the most popular pet, yes? I mean, maybe fish could outnumber ‘em on a pet-to-owner ratio, but if you did it on a pounds-of-animal per human pet-enthusiast basis, I bet dogs are numero uno, eh? The unique thing about the dog, I believe (canis familianus, if you will) is that it is sort of allowed to defecate and urinate on city streets, and in our parks, and on the front steps of our domiciles. The only other animal I ever see out on the street shitting and pissing are those police horses, and I’m not really in favor of that either, but they are Police Officers, you know? Cops don’t like me.

I would like to control a dog some day, but right now I have a cat, and the cat craps in a box full of stuff for cats to crap on, I don’t know what it’s made out of, but it’s probably just dirt or earth or clay dug out of someplace, right? So that’s pretty cool, just bring the ground inside for the animal to relieve itself on; perfect, tidy.

Look, I’m not trying to say I’m better than dog owners who walk doggies in the park across from my house every day and let these foamy-mouthed mutts gambol around without a leash and chase other dogs while all the so-called dog walkers stand around jaw-jacking and not watching where their four-legged charges are pooping, purposefully, I swear to the BasedGod, purposefully not-watching to see where the animal they are responsible for is egesting yesterday’s IAMS or shoe they found in the closet or whatever, poo-poo-pooing all over the park where people and children run around and lie down and play softball and throw footballs and stuff. The dog walkers all come with a thing to throw for their dog to go run and catch, usually a disgusting unravelling baseball or greasy slobbery tennis ball with no pressure in it, and they all come with a highly visible little plastic bag, with which to pick up the freshly-minted dogpile of their animal companion, so as not to befoul the public park, which is not a Dog Park, which, have you seen some of these dog parks? They are basically giant sandboxes for shitting in by dogs, I wouldn’t go in there if I had a dog or if I was a dog. I get that a dog needs to shit someplace, and it should be just off the curb, and you should goddamn pick it up, dog owner. All of it, all the shit that came out of your furry friend’s shit-hole, no kidding, even the little parts. I think I’m gonna gag, I’m sorry. Gross.

Meanwhile, I have a wonderful low-maintenance highly-trained-by-instinct animal that lives in my house, poops in a box, inside my house, and I’m in charge of it, and when I fuck up and don’t keep the box clean, or the goddamn motherfucking cat fucks up, it’s on me, or more specifically, it’s on my valued rug, always on the rug, dammit, you know, don’t you? Somehow you are aware the rug has Value, you spiteful, walnut-sized-brain creature that lives between Earth and the Netherworld, why can’t you go down into the basement to have an oopsie, why you gotta do it in the living room? Damn you, animal. Is it that hairball food we been feeding you? Are you angry about that? Why do I expect an answer? Maybe I am not a “Pet Person.”

But look, getting back to dogs in the control of civilians—since I do not consider an uncontrolled dog responsible for where it decides to handle its business and have never witnessed a Police K-9 canine copping a squat out on the street—you guys also do this trick where you pick up the dog poop, with the plastic bag, and then you tie up the little bag and sling it into the bushes! What the fuck? There’s like a hundred bags of wrapped-up dog shit in the little wilderness area along the edge of the park! Not cool.

Again, I am not comparing the public filth emitted by dogs to whatever my cat does three feet away from me in a plastic bin while I’m trying to watch TV, and holy cow, they are not kidding about how if you switch up your cat’s food it will affect their movements, bowel-wise? Jeepers, was there red wine vinegar in that inexpensive new cat food I bought? Good lord. But that’s the price I pay to have an animal that doesn’t mess up the public places, you know? All I gotta do is keep that litter box topped off with Kitty Litter, and I dunno know if it’s exactly Eco-Friendly, I mean, digging up stuff outta the ground is digging up stuff outta the ground, but it’s not like there’s some kitty litter strip mine in West Virginia or somewhere where somebody’s groundwater is getting contaminated and stuff because my cat needs to shit in a box of something, is there?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Sodium Bentonite, perhaps the most popular constituent of clump cat litter, is obtained through strip mining.

There is obviously an environmental impact. Sodium Bentonite mining makes business sense only when it is found close to the surface. Therefore, it is strip mined for cat litter. The top layer of the earth (the overburden) is removed, when strip mining, to take out the clay. Even though there are laws that the land must be left as it was and filled and flattened, how scrupulously such laws can be followed is anyone’s guess.

This was from an article called “Cat Litter, Strip Mining, and Environmental Issues.” Is there a Kitty Litter Lobby that kept this buttoned up? How come people aren’t bitching about this? I know you’re not supposed to flush cat turds down the toilet on account of the disease-mind-altering Toxoplasms or whatever, but you are telling me cat litter isn’t even biodegradable? Jesus Christ. Has anybody had any success training their cat to shit outside?


Previously: Blergh: A Golden Globes Wrap-up


Mr. Wrong can converse with you via many medias. Photo by jovino.