Rich People, Only You Can Save Us With Your Holiday Shopping!
If you are like many Americans (no offense), you are knee-deep in The Holidays and you don’t care about Fiscal Cliff. I mean, you know about Fiscal Cliff, and you know there are politicians and the president of the United States of America involved, and they are supposed to fix it, so fine, fix it, right? We are in the middle of The Holidays! What are We The People paying your salary for, with our taxes? I pay all kindsa taxes! I didn’t ask for Fiscal Cliff! It’s almost Xmas! Why are you ruining my The Holidays with all this talk about Fiscal? You make the stuff about the Mayan Calendar End of The World sound like fun!
It is 11 (eleven) days until the Mayan Calendar End of The Mayan Calendar.
It is Twenty-Two (22) Days until Fiscal Cliff.
It is 15 (two weeks plus one day, Observed) days until Xmas.
It is already Hanukkah, right now already.
Do you think any politicians are gonna be working Xmas Eve on Fiscal Cliff? I’m not saying these politicians are lazy or anything, I’m just saying I’m not surprised they waited until the last-minute fog of The Holidays, right before they go on vacation, to figure out this shit they have been scaring us with for so long. I don’t know about you, but I have Fiscal Cliff Fatigue, you know? Basically, our Government needs to figure out this Fiscal Cliff thing before Xmas, so no pressure or anything, but that makes it really more like two weeks, until Fiscal Cliff, unless they ask for an Incomplete, which, I guess they would be asking themselves? Anyway, it’s The Holidays!
Today is the Green Monday, beginning the busiest shopping period in all of The Holidays on the internet. Are you buying anything for The Holidays, on the internet? Of course you are! You are helping the economy, you know, simply by committing the act of retail. Go buy some stuff, before Fiscal Cliff gets us! Hey, did you know if you are not sure about stuff to buy for Xmas, such as a robot vacuum cleaner or an external hard drive for your computer or a beard trimmer, you can go to The Awl’s partner-site sister-site brother-site cousin-site close-personal-friend-site The Wirecutter, and you can get solid recommendations on which point-and-shoot camera or sex toy you should buy. The Wirecutterers get a teensy crumb of $ if you go and buy the thing they think is a good thing to buy, if you click on that aforementioned thing through their internets, and that is also good for the economy, Fiscal Cliffwise, I believe, because if my theory on Fiscal Cliff is correct, we are supposed to have so much of the economy going, so much action of money flowing through our Fiscal Tubes, that we shoot over the Cliff like Evel Knievel, in order to get to the other side. Or, if you prefer, like Thelma & Louise, in the Major Motion Picture of the same name, except we don’t SPOILER ALERT.
One more thing about the Cliff, the Rich People are probably gonna have to pay more taxes, but now there is this thing about “The Two Percent,” which I guess is people who make more than Two Hundred and Fifty Thousand Dollars and No Cents a year — but less than the One Percent, who make Skyrillion Dollars per year — and how they are going to be taxed more. I don’t make anywhere near that much dough, but 250 grand might not be a lotta money to somebody who has, like, eight kids or something, you know? Maybe the deductions will help the “Two Percenters.” And look, don’t kid yourself, everybody’s getting taxed more. Anybody with income is going to get muckled onto by The Government, and it’ll happen at the last minute so they can say it was “hammered out” or “historic” or “bipartisan” or whatever, and how great it is they could “reach an agreement” so that we are all supposed to fucking congratulate them for doing their goddamn stupid fucking phoney-baloney jobs.
Rich People — and by that I mean people who make way fucking more than $250K — I have gone on record previously as being in favor of you, with your Riches, because I hope to join your club some day, so c’mon, dig down a little in your sofa cushion for those extra coins and help the Economy, OK? You can be patriotic and Santa Claus — both at once! Go out and buy stuff! You’re loaded! Do whatever you want, man, go do that annoying thing like in the commercials where you put a giant red bow on top of a luxury automobile and surprise an affluent and well-dressed person! I fucking hate those commercials! Better yet, go to The Wirecutter Dot Com and select a whole bunch of nice headphones and/or smartphones and/or music speakers and/or laptops and/or televison sets and/or energy efficient LED lightbulbs and purchase those things so The Wirecutter can stay in business telling you what stuff to buy! You Rich People are loaded, man, go nuts.
Previously: My Holiday Shopping Plan