How To Be Thanksgiving
Hey, there sure were a lot of Current Events last week, eh? I mean, Twinkies and Petraeus, Middle East crap, sore losers in the Politics, the Weather (still) more Petraeus with the Benghazi thing, Fiscal Doom Cliff, man, I don’t know about you, but I am kind of tired of News, you know?
That’s why I am looking forward to This Week, because it is a “Short Week.” For me, anyway. My Week this week equals Monday-through-Wednesday, and then there will be eating, through the Best and most American holiday, which is supposed to be for being Thankful for things, such as food, and gravy. Thanksgiving!
So I am Thankful for this Holiday Week, while disclaimer-wise, being fully aware Observing the Historical Aspect of this Holiday pretty much marks the beginning of The End for the Indigenous peoples in this Great Land of Ours That Used to be Theirs, and that whole story about what a raw deal Squanto got helping the Plymouth Rockers and stuff.
I am also Thankful for having a job to not be at on Thanksgiving, and a 1996 Honda Civic that functions well enough to get me to my job, but if I had to take the bus all the time I would be thankful for that bus, the No. 27, which I take sometimes when my Civic is broken, and the No. 27 is never on time, fucking ever, but it beats walking, and if I hadda walk to work I would be Giving Thanks for the salubrious health benefits of walking to places. Do you see the Positive Attitude I am employing here? It’s good for you, to have a Positive Attitude and to be Thankful for stuff! Even if it’s stuff you earned all by yourself, but especially if it’s stuff somebody helped you with or made for you, like gravy, which I have never been good at making, I always put too much corn starch, I think.
Thanksgiving is the beginning of The Holiday Season, and I think that gives a lot of people a stomach ache, so if you are worried about The Holiday Season, you should just skip it this year, seriously. You can do that, you know, it is your right as an American to not have to Believe in anything you don’t want to, so you should be Thankful for that, and use it.
Personally I will get involved in The Holiday Season this year, and I hope this year the Rich People spend a lot of money and help the Economy, you know? I’m Thankful also for all the Rich People who will probably have to pay more taxes (I hope) so that we can even have an Economy. I think Rich People in general are OK, but this year I will like them even more, and if I meet any and it turns out they are paying more taxes, I will totally thank them.
I’m thankful for Television, which you can still get Free if you have the right kind of antenna.
I’m also highly Thankingful for the Sump Pump I got talked into buying when there was water in the basement and the guy from a Basement Waterproofing place came and told me to get the Sump Pump, for Three Thousand Dollars and a whole day of jackhammering in my basement. I’m not so sure we really needed a Sump Pump, but it couldn’t hurt, so I am thankful, OK?
Having a place to file a column every week, like columnists are supposed to, is something to be Thankful for, so I am Thanksgivingful for The Awl, home of the “Mr. Wrong” column.
Look, you don’t even need a turkey, seriously. I mean, the turkey is kinda not even really the best part of eating yourself into a food-coma, you know? It just sorta ends up being one more thing to put gravy on, but it’s not as good as mashed potatoes and stuffing in terms of what it tastes like all by itself, right? That’s why you put a cranberry on it. I will partake of the turkey, but mostly as a way to break the monotony of just eating a whole thing of mashed potato, which I will do, but not all at once so anybody notices. And stuffing. I don’t know why I don’t have stuffing all the time with every meal, you know? You totally don’t need the turkey. I think if people weren’t all hung up on having that Norman Rockwell Butterball-looking thing on the table, the whole Thanksgiving Turkey situation would be way better. I mean, I’m no gourmet, but howabout if you took a turkey and cut it up and cooked it like a fried chicken? How much better would that be, as opposed to trying to shove the whole thing in a deep fryer like people do now? I mean, it’s OK, and I am full of Thanksgiving just for the opportunity to eat things, so I’m not complaining, I’m thanking, whatever ends up on the table for me to shove into my Thanks-hole. I could have a bowl of fucking cereal for Thanksgiving and it would be great, seriously, thanks, as long as I can sleep late and then watch the parade and the Dog Show, I’m good. But not Lucky Charms, that is the worst cereal. Thank you.
FOR THANKSGIVING I AM PREPARING A 20-LB. TURKEY & 20 LBS OF GRAVY
— Joe MacLeod (@JOEMACLEOD666) November 17, 2011
Previously: Mexico On Two Baños A Day