Why I Don't Live At The P.O.

Why I Don’t Live At The P.O.

So I keep hearing about how the Post Office wants to not deliver the U.S. Mail on Saturdays, but nobody’s doing anything about it because of Congress or whatever, but personally I am in favor of not getting any U.S. Mail on Saturdays if that sacrifice meant we (as in, The People) would be keeping the U.S. Mail flowing the rest of the week. It’s important to have the U.S. Mail out there on the street. Think about it, right now we have potentially vital agents in the War on Freedom out in the neighborhood most days of the week, patrolling. They walk right up to your house all the time, Agents of the United States. Homeland Security! That’s good, right?

I don’t really do a lot of U.S. Mail-ing, except for when I send the occasional greeting card or maybe some postcards from my vacation, but I say, bring on the no-Saturday Delivery, man, in fact, the Post Office should go to, like, every-other-day delivery and then the U.S. Mailers should go out and do something else on the other days for the good of the Nation. Seriously, go out and clean the streets, paint buildings, help Senior Citizens, I’m not kidding, they need to work on their Public Image, the Mailers, because, I mean, have you been to a Post Office lately? How much fun was that?

The last couple of times I’ve been to the Post Office, the employees there have given me the stink-eye for not knowing exactly which stamp I wanted, or for asking questions about the U.S. Mail. I don’t know the difference between “Express Mail” and “Priority Mail,” man, I just wanted to mail some mail faster than usual but not super-fast, like overnight, because I have to watch my expenses in the New Economy, and, I mean, why don’t you call the “overnight” mail Overnight Mail, you know? “Priority? Whose priority? I don’t get it! Answer my questions! Customer Service!

I was at the Post Office one time on a Saturday and they were supposed to close at 1 p.m., and I was there on line at about 12:30 p.m., and they locked the door 20 minutes before 1, because they agreed, the U.S. Mail employees, out loud in front of all us customers, that there were enough people lined up inside to take them up to 1 p.m. What the fuck kinda customer service is that?!? What if somebody comes at 12:55 p.m.? I mean, nobody did, but fuck you, U.S. Mail employees and your crappy Customer Service, you should be doing everything in your power to make us (as in U.S.) love your ass, and not be in a frame of mind to be all schadenfreude-y the day we hear a bunch of your lamentations about getting a furlough day or something because nobody goes to the Post Office anymore because it sucks. And it does!

Plus, if I go in and say I wanna look at the stamps to see if there are any good ones, you should not roll your eyes and pull out the stamp book like it weighs a hundred million pounds and turning each page gives you an electroshock in your armpit or something. I wanna pick out some nice stamps! You don’t know which stamps I think are nice! Maybe I don’t like “”the baseball ones”! Don’t judge me and tell me what stamp I should pick! Maybe I like the “”Earthscapes” ones with the weird aerial photos! Let me look at all the stamps! It says FOREVER on a lot of ’em now, but the way you Customer Service my ass, you aren’t going to have your job FOREVER!

The Post Office should sell nicer postcards, or they should make it a Law that anybody who sells postcards should sell the postcard stamps that go on postcards, because almost every time I buy a fucking postcard someplace where I am being a Tourist, they never have the stamps that go with. They should also get going with this Celebrity Stamps thing, of Celebrities who are not dead yet, because I think they’d make a lotta money on that, and then we’d all be able to make lotsa jokes about which ones you would lick and which ones might taste like an ashtray. They should also have a 50–50 raffle with stamps, where you buy a special raffle stamp and it has a lottery number and one stamp number gets picked as the winner and you win half the take off the stamp. Plus, they should do a Super Bowl pool where you write your pick and the score for the Super Bowl on a postcard with a special Super Bowl Roman-Numeral-whatever on it and mail it to somebody and they read your postcard (like they read everybody else’s), and you could win part of the skim on the stamp. I have lots of good ideas for the Post Office buy the people at the counter won’t talk to me any more. I’m trying to help save their jobs!

Anyway, I think there is nothing like getting a hand-addressed note or envelope with a real-live letter in it. It’s like getting Art, you know? And you can send something like that to someone in the Great Land of Ours for less than 50 cents, how great is that? I mean, this is the kind of thing some annoying Kickstarter Art School person would invent and charge you a hundred bucks for! “(Sniff!) I will deliver a note or printed piece of your own device to anyone in America for $100. This is an intimate, personal Communication Experience impossible to simulate in the cold impersonal age of Electronic Mail and so-called Facebooks and Tweetsies.”

All I wanna do is be able to pick out some cool stamps, and if you give me all this attitude at the counter, I will buy my goddamn stamps on the Internet and you won’t have anybody to wait on at your job. This post office here in California should be your role model, U.S. Mailers.

Previously: Why Should I Have To Pay Taxes On These Imaginary Lottery Earnings

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