Why Should I Pay Taxes On These Imaginary Lottery Winnings?

I totally Believe in the American Dream, which is winning the Lottery. Your Dream might be different, but in America, you get to Dream one, and that’s the important part, right? Or you can be like, “Dreaming is for Dreamers, I am going to Do Stuff!” Me, I like Dreaming. What is Your American Dream?

My Dream of winning the Lottery—and a big Lottery, not some li’l poop-butt million bucks, because the minute you spend one dollar you ain’t a Millionaire anymore; I’m talking like a hundred Million—entails winning enough money to fill a swimming pool with coins and gold bars and money and stuff and go swimming in it, Scrooge McDuck style.

Scrooge McDuck is an important figure from American Literature (as well as a number-one duck) who shows us what it’s like to be Wealthy. He spends a lot of his time getting into adventures, because he’s trying to make more dough, because that is his Dream. I don’t like to judge, but he might be Greedy. He has lotsa cash, enough to bathe in, but he wants More, and guess what? It is his right as an American Dreamer to Go For It! What is “it?” More!

This is kinda off-topic, but that reminds me of another famous Duck who is greedy: That is Daffy Duck, in the 1955 Warner Bros. classic “Beanstalk Bunny,” where he and Bugs Bunny climb the fabled Beanstalk and deal with everybody’s worst nightmare, a giant-sized Elmer Fudd, who has lots of gold and treasure and stuff.

Daffy: Keep your hands off me. I came here for those solid-gold goodies, and I ain’t leaving without them. On account of I am greedy.

Then, fueled by 100% Pure Greed, Daffy goes toe-to-toe with American tattoo icon The Tasmanian Devil in 1957’s “Ducking the Devil,” when “Taz” gets between Daffy and a dollar. But total spoiler alert on that one because the gag doesn’t come until the end of the cartoon. Here is the cartoon by itself if you don’t want to get Spoilered.

There is a certain Purity in Daffy, eh? But anyway, back to me and my Dream of winning the Lottery! I always try and do the Math where when you win, you are supposed to decide on if it makes more sense to get paid the “Lump Sum,” or take the dough as an annuity, paid out over 20 years or something, but jeez, I might get hit by a bus tomorrow, you know? Math?!? Nevermind Math! Gimme! Now! Mine! Mine! Mine!!! The confusing Math part is they (and you know who They are) pay you way less than the stated jackpot if you take the sum in Lumply form. Also, however, I think when you are talking the Mega-dough, you can Lump it and then put that booty out on the street and make some Real Money, you know? And that’s where you turn into a Republican.

I mean, Republicans hate Taxes, right? I have no problem paying taxes now, because I’m not a millionaire, so what I’m paying out doesn’t really amount to much, but I think I would go Full-Republican and start looking for places to stash my loot, you know? That’s why I can understand how Willard Mitt Romney, who is running for the office of POTUS as a Republican, would be stashing dough in Bermuda and The Caymans and stuff. But he’s not like Tony Soprano, stashing money made from Criminal Enterprises; Mr. Romney is probably keeping his loot offshore to prevent getting bled by the Tax Man here in the U. S. of A., which I can totally understand, and if it’s legal, then show me how to do that, man!

I mean, when I think about it, if I won the giant Mega-Power Lottery prize, I’d have to cut Uncle Sam in right from the rip, for, like, 30% or something? Then the State I live in, Mayland, would be right there asking for their slice of my Amercian Dream Pie, and then once I quit my Day Job and go full-time in my new job as a Mega-Millionaire, and I’m farming my dough out on the Open Market, I gotta look at rendering quarterly payouts unto Caesar any time I make a dollar the Old Fashioned way—by charging somebody Interest for borrowing it—and then I’m gonna start feeling very Republican. I mean, I’m using up all the same amount of Public Services I was when I had a Day Job, and now that I’m a Katrillionaire and I live in Xanadu, I probably use less Infrastructure and stuff, because I never go out anymore! I just hang out in my Pleasure Dome and chill in my coin pool, man. I order out for pizzas and stuff, but that’s not me driving on the road and wearing out the pavement, it’s the Pizza company, you know? I mean, I gotta pay More Taxes just because I make More loot?!? I’m good for the Economy, man! Look at me, Creating Wealth and stuff by lending people money! Fucking Taxes, man, I’m not even a Kabillionaire yet and they got me sweating.

I need to look to my Role Model, Scrooge McDuck. What would he do? Would Uncle Scrooge dodge taxes by shifting his wealth into offshore? Would he spend time and energy paying for strings to connect to Politicians so he could work ’em like puppets to cut his Tax bill? Isn’t Uncle Scrooge so rich he doesn’t give a fuck about Anything, even Taxes? When I win my Lottery Millions, all I wanna do is help people, you know? I know there’s been lotsa times I coulda used one of those Payday Loans, you know? That’s helping, right? Being a Bank? Being There to lend somebody money so they can pay their credit card bill? Man, I wish I wasn’t Rich sometimes, so I wouldn’t be all caught up in Protecting my Wealth.

Previously: Why ‘The New Yorker’ Doesn’t Have A Public Editor

Mr. Wrong can converse with you via many medias.