Arby's For Everyone

by Jeff Johnson and David Roth

David: Okay. So, we’re not actually breaking it, but Wade Phillips has now been fired for all of 15 minutes, I think. I imagine he’s attacking a bag of Pillows™ right now.

Jeff: I have no problem taking credit for that scoop. I also have no problem saying I made last week’s Yakkin’ About Football SUCK. I was running on empty. I was so tired I only remember having a dream about Carly Simon while trying to IM. For my money, this was the best edition in case you have a friend or a foreign exchange student whom you want to read this. Tom Coughlin lit a fire under me this week, so I know it’ll be good.

David: You’ve got to take it one week at a time and stay focused, man.

Jeff: Does Jason Garrett sound like an NFL head coach or the name of a guy you hire to guard your firewood? “No. Listen, he’s got his Ford F-150 here and his mom made a bunch of chili, and he’s got a blister pack of No-Doz, and he swears he is not going to fall asleep this time.”

David: Jason Garrett is the name of a character played by Michael Pare or Judd Nelson in a direct-to-Blockbuster DVD. A detective who plays by one set of rules: his own.

Jeff: I don’t envy his task. “It’s my turn to pilot this dirigible? And we’re headed for a mountain of flaming rhinoceros dung? In fact, we’re one inch away? And we’re going 600 MPH? By all means! Let’s get you guys doing some jumping jacks!”

David: I don’t buy him at all. The idea of installing the guy that’s responsible for the 50 Screen Passes Or More offensive strategy as your team’s new brain doesn’t work for me.

Jeff: “I coached the Cowboys? For half a season? It was the year most of the team had leprosy? Remember?” I feel like Wade Phillips and Chan Gailey should just get to switch jobs now.

David: I can’t explain why I even have an opinion on him, but I kind of love Chan Gailey. When he was the offensive coordinator in Kansas City a few years ago, he had a team that was even shittier than the current-day Bills. Just Tyler Thigpen and a bunch of local tough man competitors and Larry Johnson walking around smoking cigarettes on the field. And he installed this hilarious spread that kind of worked. The team lost all the time, but it was close! Like 44–37 every week.

Jeff: Hang on a second. I’m seeing Terrell Owens yelling at Carson Palmer as they walk off the field after a Carson Palmer INT.

David: Yeah, that should help. My guess is that Carson Palmer’s big problem is that he didn’t understand how open TO was getting. As opposed to Carson’s rotator cuff looking like a mastiff’s chew toy.

Jeff: Chad Johnson has been wearing his Dave Chappelle “can’t fucking believe this shit” face for most of this game.

David: Tell me more about the Darnell Dockett thing you were talking about the other day.

Jeff: Oh, he was just falling down every third play in the Cardinals vs. Vikings game. His groin hurt. His braids hurt. He twisted his sock wrong. Who knows?

David: “Oh God, my kidney has been fenestrated.” Winks to trainer.

Jeff: He was writhing around, and then a couple of other Cardinals started doing it, too. Anytime the Vikings had the ball. In any situation. “Darnell, it’s 2nd and 11. With 14:42 remaining. The Vikings are on their own 19 yard line. In the 1st Quarter.”

David: Gamesmanship!

Jeff: Ken Whisenhunt strikes me as the cagey high school coach from the wrong side of town. He wears windpants/workout pants to church. His motivational tactics are that he looks at his best player and mouths “Arby’s” to him in crucial moments. “You’re gonna be hearing me say this a lot. You get a free sandwich if you give up your body for the good of the team.” So now all these fucking freeloaders are trying to milk the system. Diving around on the carpet. Acting like they exploded their Achilles tendons.

David: He’s got a whole team of French dip aficionados.

Jeff: “Did you see me? Did you see what I did? My mom has pix!” And after the game, they are all in Whisenhunt’s minivan, claiming they’re owed all of these fucking sandwiches.

David: The van smells excruciatingly of gravy.

Jeff: He’s thumbing through singles in his wallet, and is like, “My wife needs me to get diapers and by the way, we also LOST, guys, COME ON!” And the team is rolling up their pant legs, trying to show him raspberries on their ankles and shit, just oblivious, jabbering to each other. Arguing about which sandwich comes with a poppy seed bun.

David: I like the idea of Whisenhunt pulling up at a drive-through window in Edina, MN and disgustedly ordering a bunch of roast beef sandwiches. “Just… I don’t know, fucking give me all of them. Make all of the sandwiches you can and then you’re done for the night. Fuck.”

Jeff: “Because some people took advantage of my goodwill last week, this week the reward for extreme physical abandon is a Zagnut confectionary bar.” Pretty soon the practice field is empty.

David: Just Derek Anderson throwing interceptions to a tackling sled.

Jeff: Maybe Jay asks if he can get a Clif Bar. I get the sense Jay Feely gets pleasure from taking coaches aside and asking them if they’ve financially planned for their futures yet. “’Cause I’ve looked at your credit score, coach… and, well, I’ve actually Tweeted it, too.” He is unaware that he’s the Douglas C. Neidermeyer of the NFL. I guess my favorite things of the week are (1) Exposed Andy Reid video and (2) Suh getting to kick an extra point.

David: Those are the two best things that have happened in this or any other week.

David: Watching Suh kick was like my TV suddenly had Tecmo Bowl playing on it.

David: Just this weird oversized dude awkwardly flailing his leg at a ball. I expected some 8-bit touchdown celebration by Matt Bouza to come on afterwards. And the Andy Reid Punt, Pass & Kick thing… just new universes of perfection, there.

Jeff: Reid looked exactly like he does now, only with a Rams throwback uniform and a girdle on.

David: Whatever it was that Carl Sagan was talking about, it was basically that.

Jeff: That should be shown in hospice units to cheer people up. It makes me smile. Speaking of hospice, Jeremy Shockey got injured again. He gets a fucking stinger brushing his goddamn teeth. Is he made of pottery?

David: His patriotic tattoos were painted on before he was fired in a kiln. His weeping-eagle American flag tattoo is going to age wonderfully. “I got it off a Lee Greenwood album cover.”

Jeff: At least with him being in New Orleans, I am spared pictures of him clubbing in New York City.

David: Always showing up in Page Six canoodling with Rod Stewart’s daughter or whatever. I have a feeling that he gets sent prototypes of Ed Hardy stuff before it goes out to the general public. “Jeremy, just wanted to get your thoughts this Ed Hardy sports drink. Bises, Christian Audigier PS: It’s cologne-flavored.”

Jeff: He and Jon Gosselin are trying to get cameos in the sequel to The Hangover. Rob Schneider might be involved. They practiced by setting free a bunch of endangered birds from a zoo in Tampa. Who all died.

David: Speaking of Rob Schneider, whatever ad dude figured out that NFL fans wanted to see commercials for Grown Ups15 times per game really should’ve checked with me first. As near as I can tell, that movie is about Kevin James pissing in a pool and being overweight. That is not the subtext. That is the text.

Jeff: What is with those Capital One fuckers? What do they represent? Really strong, less mannered versions of Simon Doonan? Always shopping and shit?

David: Oh, the Viking raiders? It’s really hard to tell. That’s been going on a long time. It’s like if the Wassuuuuppp guys were still showing up, but they looked really tired and baggy and had weird tattoos and obviously just had been drinking too much for too long.

Jeff: What are they raiding? What do they stand for? Why they are they on vacation all the time?

David: They’re like Viking Kardashians. Stop raiding boutiques, you guys.

David: So, did you watch the Chiefs/Raiders game? That was apparently insane. Just nonstop fake punts? I was supposed to watch it with friends, but I was worried it was at a Raiders bar, which I imagine looking like a Lita Ford video set.

Jeff: I can envision that.

David: All weird chains just hanging off the ceiling for no reason.

Jeff: Jukebox: WASP and Eazy-E. Al Cowlings is bartending for some reason.

David: The Fred Biletnikoff Sandwich is on special. It’s ham with ham sauce between two patties of fried sauerkraut.

Jeff: You eat it wearing a helmet. Through the facemask.

David: I’m on your turf, here. You’re the one with experience dreaming up signature sandwiches.

Jeff: Only the Jeff Ruland.

David: I remember it pretty well. The bread was soaked in bock beer for three weeks or something.

Jeff: I could see Biletnikoff just eating raw sauerkraut. Maybe 9 oz. of lukewarm Sanka. Punching someone in the face guard and shattering his hand, then catching 17 more passes for a total of 28 yards. Running a 9.7 40.

David: John Madden watches from the sideline while passionately eating an entire roasted chicken.

Jeff: Out of a leather fanny pack. Somehow there are spearmint gumdrops in there, too. The zipper has a bunch of chicken skin all tangled in it.

David: I kind of wish I’d been alive for those Raiders teams. I found a copy of Jack Tatum’s autobiography at a yard sale in New Haven last weekend. That’s not a joke, although it looks like one.

Jeff: That’s great. I just got Kareeem Abdul-Jabbar’s for .79 cents

David: I want to read it, but I’m also not sure I really need ALL the dirt on Daryle Lamonica, you know? “Jim Plunkett has never eaten salad in his life. He says he could die, but I don’t believe him.” There’s something kind of quaint about people being shocked by that stuff now. I also have a book that Boomer Esiason co-wrote that’s like a murder mystery in the world of football.

Jeff: I can’t imagine him pitching that. “See, there’s something valuable missing. A dish of ice cream. With gold in it. Like Goldschlager. Ever drink that? Fuckin’ awesome. Anyway, a CIA guy who is also President of America. Um, it was his. And he’s trying to collect the insurance money for it.”

David: Yeah, I went and got it from the living room. It’s called Toss. ABC should make a TV series out of it. Esiason’s played by the dumb guy from “Coach.”

Jeff: Toss. Classic. “I’m Matt Lauer here with Boomer Esiason, and he’s written a book.” “I call it Toss, I joke that a lot of people in high places would rather toss the book on an open fire, ’cause of what it reveals. What it exposes.” “And that’s why you’re wearing the Kevlar today?”

David: “When a drug-addicted ex-quarterback is murdered, Derek Brody’s caught in the middle of an erupting scandal that could do a lot more than throw the season.” Look for it in hardback, at select garage sales in western Kentucky. And wherever sad remaindered sport-thrillers are sold.

Jeff: His whole book is a jab at Todd Marinovich’s lifestyle. Boomer is so goddamn judgmental. Here was what I forgot to mention. What if LaRod Stephens-Howling has a child, who marries that Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie’s child. And they have a child. What is that kid’s last name?

David: Oh man. That’s a Hapsburgian pileup of last names and titles. I’m pretty sure the kid’s at least a Duke. Possibly a Viscount.

Jeff: Many people I know of many genders have done this. Adopted their spouse’s last name without relinquishing their own.

David: And I think the rule is generally to go by the first three letters of each last name. So the kid would be name Bryce Stehowrodcro. Viscount Bryce Stehowrodcro.

Jeff: Smith-Smythe-Johnson-Johansson

David: It’s like a white-shoe law firm. I watched a few minutes of the Giants/Seahawks game and I wanted to see if you got the chance to see Charlie Whitehurst.

Jeff: No, but I can imagine his stats…

David: Because that guy was obviously playing some sort of prank.

Jeff: I had the pleasure of watching his dad play for the Packers. 1 completion for every 16 passes.

David: That was not a real quarterback. He had a helmet on, but you could see crazy long hair coming out the back and a mustache. I hope that’s David Whitehurst’s kid. “I didn’t see my dad much. I was raised by a motorcycle.”

Jeff: How did Cleveland KILL the Patriots?

David: Peyton Hillis! The Man With The Rectangle Head. AKA The Bouncer. AKA Thumbkin. AKA Hamsteak. AKA Way Underrated By Me Because He Is A White Feature Back. He’s pretty good. Love that the Broncos coach traded him for Brady Quinn. McDaniels is all, “I can’t win with this very decent running back. Get me a human practical joke whose career claim to fame is endorsing John McCain in 2008 and causing him to lose Ohio.”

Jeff: He has 644 yards rushing already.

David: 180-odd of them against the Patriots. I don’t generally like things that make Eric Mangini happy, but I am always in favor of a Browns win. And it’s easier to cheer for Mangini now that he’s got the Young Keitel look. Get out of the loan-sharking game, Fingers! It’s killing you!

David Roth co-writes the Wall Street Journal’s Daily Fix, contributes to the sports blog Can’t Stop the Bleeding and has his own little website. And he tweets!

Jeff Johnson tweets here. He is also responsible for doing weird things with old sportscards here and here.

Photo by Jeff Kern, from Flickr.