by Abe Sauer
Are you ready for next week? Next week you will be forcefully violated by Clash of the Titans producers looking to remind you that Titans! Will! Clash!… on Friday. So GO SEE IT FORCHRISTSAKE! FAST CUTS! LOUDNESS! GGAAAAHHHHHHHH!
A whole new generation is ready to be treated to the American bedtime story that is Clash of the Titans. And yes, Sam Worthington is the Millennial’s Harry Hamlin. The film will be in 3D and make 73 bazillion American dollars, or about $100,00 Canadian.
At the same time Clash of the Titans producers will be cramming trailers for their shitty 3D film down your throat, the film version of Conan-creator Robert Howard’s Solomon Kane character will continue to strive for a release date in the U.S. after debuting to some regard in old Europe.
“Profit” is not something Solomon Kane and Clash of the Titans will have in common. But both films’ trailers feature scenes and characters derivative of a number of successful adventure films from the last decade, subconsciously telling you, “You liked this before and you’ll like it again. It’s all good. Come in where it’s warm and familiar.”
Gay porn film 300 perfected the spectacle of the slow-mo fall, both in the “THIS! IS! SPARTA!” falling-down-the-well scene and off the cliff. Clash of the Titans clearly liked what it saw, incorporating a nearly identical above POV slow-mo doom tumble.
The only thrilling action sequence in Troy came in the first six minutes, when Brad Pitt slow-mo leaped over a towering enemy, sword at the ready. Clash producers must have liked this, because here’s Sam Worthington, slow-mo jumping.
The mysterious Persian assassin army (Ragheads!!) brought some threatening tension to 300. Clash clearly likes that head-wrapped mysterious maybe-Middle Easterner thing, because here’s a bunch.
The battle in the woods with the pure evil, blue-hand-printed Uruk-hai captain that closed out The Fellowship of the Ring was thrilling. Both Solomon Kane and Clash creators apparently thought so too, as both films feature wooded sets with disfigured Uruk-hai-like blemished baddies.
Hey, Pete “That Guy” Postlethwaite is OWNING the 2010 teen nerd fantasy adventure film genre! See him character-act the shit out of both these films.
Didn’t you love the Nazgul Ringwraiths from the Lord of the Rings trilogy? OMG! So do the Solomon Kane guys! And that flaming sword? Hell yeah!
Who would have thought Guillermo Del Toro’s dark, tragic Pan’s Labyrinth would have such a huge influence on action films? But after his eyeless, emaciated, old-man-calves-skin monster scared the bajeesus out of everyone, the creature was adopted for both Kane and Clash. In fact, the design was so groundbreaking, Del Toro began ripping himself off in Hellboy II.
Finally, those who are old enough to remember the original Clash of the Titans Kraken are old enough to remember the Return of the Jedi Rancor monster which is certainly what they will think when they see the new Kraken.
So, remember, The Clash Begins on April 2! It’s going to be AWESOME. How can it not with all those scenes you already loved AND four credited screenwriters (including the auteur responsible for Ã†on Flux)! And don’t forget to sign up to get Solomon Kane its U.S. release. C’mon ladies, it’s got James Purefoy!
Anyway, these movies need to sop up all the cash they can before the release of Bébé(s) in May. I mean, just look at this unstoppable fucking thing.
That even makes MY uterus hurt.
Abe Sauer will be first in line for that flick about babies.