"AN Argentine TV presenter furious with Paul the 'psychic' World Cup octopus has horrified viewers by liquidising one of his relatives live on air…. Argentina fans blamed [Paul the octopus] for their World Cup exit after he correctly predicted Germany would beat them and some have voiced a desire to eat him. So after branding the animal a 'Nazi' [presenter Roberto Pettinato] grabbed an octopus live on air and claimed to be killing it as he hacked its head off and put bits of it in a blender."

Holy crap! This octopus in Germany has accurately predicted the LAST SIX MATCHES of the World Cup for which his powers of prophesy have been consulted. Scoff if you must, but consider the odds: This cephalopod conjecturer has only a fifty percent chance of being right each time, and yet SIX TIMES IN A ROW his prognosticating tentacles have in fact chosen the correct group of men who would kick more balls into a ropey hole than their opponents. It is positively astounding! How can people be discussing trivialities like the role of women in popular entertainment when such magic exists in the world? Yes, sure, I know [...]

Yes! The other day, the whole time I was watching the England-U.S.A. match, hearing the drone of the famous vuvuzelas, I couldn't think of anything except the intro to "Welcome to the Jungle." (Admittedly, it's kind of rare that I'm ever thinking of anything except the intro to "Welcome to the Jungle." But still.)

40 Slovenia vs. Italy 39 Cameroon vs. France 38 Algeria vs. England 37 Netherlands vs. Portugal 36 USA vs. France

It's not, generally speaking, a good idea to read too much into a Nike commercial. Maybe if you're Naomi Klein, seeking a way in to an examination of the dozens of interlocking injustices behind the brand's bleakly glib brand of vicious uplift, but almost definitely not if you're a sportswriter type trying to pin down why you feel weird on the first day of the largest sports event in the world. This isn't to say that Nike commercials don't have something (gross and weird) to say about sports on occasion, but relying on Nike's reliably grandiose advertisements for anything other than a reflection of what makes Nike so squeamy [...]

Here is a slice of a dispatch from today's ESPN presentation in New York City that confused me: "Coca-Cola is looking at aiming its World Cup advertising not only at Hispanic consumers, Mr. Tripodi said, who traditionally follow the World Cup closely, but also African-Americans and the general market, particularly 'soccer moms.'" Hold up — I understand the desire to expand marketing efforts, but I thought soccer moms were dubbed such because they spent a fair amount of time ferrying their children to activities like soccer, and not because they had a passion for the game? If the latter were true, certainly attendance at Major League Soccer events [...]

Nicely played. Oh and following, here's the full video of the actual World Cup awesomeness and winning, if you care.

I don't know what kind of religious programming they air in South Africa, but it is apparently rather compelling: "A South African man who wanted to watch a World Cup football match instead of a religious programme was beaten to death by his family, police said today."

This is pretty embarrassing, but one night, when I was a freshman in college, my friend Todd and I got so high from smoking pot that we thought we could read each other's minds. We were in my room doing too many bong hits and one of us (I'll take responsibility, though I don't remember for sure) had the brilliant idea of, "What would happen if we drank the bongwater?" I know: yuck: we might as well have eaten used cigarette butts. But this is the state we'd put ourselves in.

Sad news: the International Federation of Association Football (known as FIFA, because of some French thing), the governing body of international soccer (a game played with a ball and two nets in which the use of hands is restricted) has denied reports that it issued a list of 20 English profanities to World Cup referees in advance of the big tournament that is start sometime soon, apparently. I say the news is sad because I would love to see an official list of English profanities: "Motherfucker" and "cocksucker" now seem rather wan to me, due to overuse. I need a few good new curse words to really spice [...]

Paul the octopus, the Nostradamus of international soccer match forecasting, has made his prediction for Sunday's World Cup final: he likes Spain.

When the ball skirted past England goalkeeper Robert Green for the game-tying goal against the United States on Saturday, I leaped from my chair, whooping. A few seconds later, I was stunned by a sensation I hadn't felt in nearly 30 years.

From 1981-1983, I was the single-worst goalie in the age group of my youth soccer league. I have no game logs to back this up. But I was the keeper on the least successful team in the league, four seasons running. Circumstantially, I have a strong case.

The World Cup is a economic boon for many interests. During the 2006 Cup, Adidas saw its sales increase a whopping 30%. Twitter is also reaping the World Cup whirlwind. And for online publications big and small, the World Cup means posting sexy WAG hottie fan babes GALLERY SLIDESHOWS.

Everyone is talking about vuvuzelas, and most people are not happy about them. This is a very important issue! But what is a vuvuzela, you ask, and why does it cause such irritation? We have answers! A "vuvuzela" is the affectionate nickname Venezuelan men use when they refer to the vulvas of their wives or girlfriends. (I kinda just did a quick Google search on that, so it might not be 100% accurate.) As for why they are annoying, we're just gonna let Science field that one. Now you know! [Image via]

World Cup fever: Have you caught it? Yeah, the World Cup. The quadrennial contest to see which country can prove its supremacy by knocking a ball around a soccer field with its feet? Yeah, I know, soccer, but it's kind of a big deal, and not just to intellectuals who shun other sports but claim to have an abiding interest in "the beautiful game" because it makes them seem highbrow and somehow less geeky. Anyway, this time around the thing is happening in South Africa, and America's first match pits us against our former colonial oppressors, the English. Naturally, the two nations' ambassadors have engaged in the kind of [...]