I recently attended a wedding, and it was, as weddings are wont to be, an almost transcendentally beautiful occasion. It was held on the grounds of a giant sandstone Federation house (who can honestly call something with guest quarters off-site a house?) sitting on miles of pristine green acreage. Fairy lights in the shape of love-hearts hung from the trees. The air smelled of freshly cut grass. Butlers stood with umbrellas armed for the possibility of rain to escort you the few feet to the bathrooms. The food was unlike any food I’d ever tasted. The country estate on which is was held, several hours outside of Sydney, was secured by its owners when they outbid Kylie Minogue. READ MORE

Well, it is fun to run the numbers on exactly what "sort" of person runs a wedding announcement in Vows (technically now called "Weddings/Celebrations," which is so dull). The numbers are useful and also, sure, about what you'd expect. Harvard. Credit Suisse. Gay. That sort of thing. But two things: our trusty researcher friends here are comparing education and job credentials to the "average American," which, oh no. Vows is a section that is for New Yorkers, not average Americans. And New York is a funny place. (Full of gays who went to Harvard.) But then also they're dismissing self-selection in a totally untoward way, writing: "There's also no easy way to rule out a self-selection bias. (Theoretically, 9.4 percent of the people who want to be in the wedding section could have Harvard degrees...)" Um, I would say that that is way more than true? You have to submit to Vows a minimum of six weeks in advance, and the submission form is quite lengthy. In fact, it's so long that as you start to fill it out, you have time to realize that it's all basically for snobby gay a-holes who work at Credit Suisse and then you stop filling it out, if you have any real sense. Once it's like "AND WHAT DOES YOUR FATHER DO FOR A LIVING?" you're like, oh God, who cares, go pound sand. (Seriously, their sample form goes like this: "(first celebrator's) father, who is retired, was a (job title/I.D. here) in (location here) for (company/organization name here). (his/her) mother is a (job title/I.D. here) in (location here) for (company/organization name here)." Which is so LOL! It's like the worst and least-fitting game of Mad Libs ever.) Anyway then you're like "Why do I want stupid people to read about MY SPECIAL DAAAAAY?" and you realize that you'd like to retain some dignity, instead of splashing it in the faux society pages. Besides if you're gay, there's likely another wedding in another state or country coming your way soon, so you can always reapply later. Suckas.

These two just got married on the Occupy Oakland livestream. Near as I could tell, the lady spouse's name was Amanda Hug-A-Chicken or something??? Anyway looks like Occupy Oakland is getting dismantled right now by the cops, behind the young lovers. Fortunately the bride and groom wore helmets. Aww! READ MORE

Once you decide to have a wedding, there are many, many things to read: etiquette guides, Dos and Don'ts, planning checklists, vendor guides, “inspiration boards,” disaster stories, angry bridesmaid rants ("bitch made me wear PURPLE SHOES!"), even socio-political screeds about the cultural irrelevance of the whole thing. All of these are nice, and all of them are utterly useless. READ MORE

It's been a long road: we've talked about pretty much everything that could be considered attire of any form for men, really, from bags to shoes to ties and hats. Phew! So we're ending with four great questions from readers. You guys are the best. READ MORE

Thank God the future of print journalism lies in local newspapers. Otherwise we might miss this kind of gripping reportage: "And like Sandra Lee, June brides are more determined than ever to make their weddings unforgettable, an experience. This turns out to involve the groom mostly as an interested bystander, because weddings – the subject of this sixth installment in the Mercury News' 12-part series "Life in a Year" – really are all about the bride." This article was actually on the front page.

Part Two: A Tale Of Two Weddings
(Part One: Bummed Out In Brooklyn) READ MORE