Honestly, Fuck Your Wedding

Why you shouldn’t feel obligated to attend anyone’s wedding

Image: Ian Collins

Honestly, fuck your wedding. I know that’s rude, but it’s how I feel; it’s how we all feel. There is not a single thing worse than receiving a Save The Date in the mail. Not student loan payments; not coming to work after a three-day weekend; not even the everybody-just-throw-a-card-in method of paying at restaurants. Nothing. You done filled out your planner for the next few months with potential adventures only to find out the Mike & Andi from college have other plans for your Labor Day weekend. It’s like “Fuuuuuuuck, I haven’t even seen y’all in the past 4 years and I probably won’t for the next 40. Do I really have to come?”

The answer to question is no. You do not. It’s 2017 and the president will probably kill us all, so we really don’t have time to be what doing we don’t really want to do. I mean, sure, you might feel like an asshole at first, but once you hit that time on the clock where you absolutely know the wedding festivities are over, that feeling will subside and you’ll be high-fiving yourself for taking such honest initiative. Take a look at the facts:

1. We’re adults and too old to pretend that we want to do things we don’t want to.

Look at this clip of Jerry Seinfeld curving Kesha’s hug. Some people might call him an asshole. Know what I’m calling him? An honest, grown-ass man, that’s what. We’re too old to be pretending. You don’t have to pretend to like attending sporting events; you don’t have to pretend like you enjoy going out to the same-ass bars for the same-ass experience every weekend; and you don’t have to pretend like you want see anyone’s nuptials live and in color. If they really cared, they’d provide a live-stream like civilized human beings. Ya know, some shit you could roll up to. But they didn’t. Heathens.

2. Your presence is only truly required if you’re in the wedding party.

Think about it. The only people that the bride and groom reeeaalllyyy care about are standing right next to them on that stage. Or they’re sitting right there in the first row. Or they were at least inside the limo that delivered the wedding squad. But other than that, anyone else is just there for the theatrics. They invited you there for the applause, the awwwwwwwwwws, and to be background decor in all of the pictures/videos that the bride’s going to post on Instagram every other day for the next 8 months. They figured you didn’t have shit to do so you might as well come through with the clap-claps and joy-joys for the price of some dry-ass chicken and a couple captain-and-gingers from the open bar. Is that really worth sacrificing the time you were dedication to binge-watching Season 3 of “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt?” I think not.

3. You’ll barely even get to talk to the bride and groom.

Weddings ain’t about you. They’re about the people getting married and the parents that are finally free. I get that. But don’t invite me to a party if you don’t want to kick it. We act like we can’t skip a wedding because proper etiquette is to do the “Oh My God, I’m So Happy For You” in person. But then you get there and realize that so much is happening that you won’t even get the chance. The couple is so busy taking pictures and also trying to sneak out to go fuck that you’ll barely get to say more than a cross-room head-nod and drink-up gesture. So if your justification for forcing yourself to go is that you don’t want them to be angry, chances are they won’t even notice. And even if they do: see #1 above.

4. If you have to travel, it becomes more of an investment than event.

Got some homeboys who are debating if they should go to Dudio X’s wedding or not. One lives in LA, the other lives in OKC, and the wedding is in San Antonio. They’re are scared the Ol’ Boy will be pissed off they skip it. But if you look at it from a financial perspective, the costs far outweigh the benefit. A flight from LA to San Antonio on Southwest Airlines (Bags Fly Free): $400. Hotel/AirBnb for the minimum 2 days: $250. Uber/Lyft: $50. Food/Misc: $100. That’s $800 minimum for a 2-hour event that means literally nothing to either of them. Add on the fact that they haven’t seen the dude in the last 4 years and the entire experience becomes more of an investment than event. An investment with 0% return. In this economy?

5. They’re always on fucking holidays.

For people with jobs there’s absolutely nothing better than a 3-day weekend. We need them. We cherish them. It’s the one time that you can schedule some me-time without having to burn a PTO day. So when someone schedules their wedding on Memorial Day, or Labor Day, or any other day of the year that you’re getting paid to NOT be at work, it feels like the ultimate fuck you. It’s like hey, I know you might’ve been planning to hit Vegas to sniff coke out a stripper’s butt crack, but we actually need you to come to Beaumont, TX to see us say 2 words and kiss. No more, I say. No more will we allow the holy matrimony of others getting in the way of us hitting Drai’s Beach Club and Stunting For The Gram. I’ll text you my congratulations from the roulette table.

6. Is your time worth the risk of divorce?

Look man, this is dark as hell, but facts are facts. The stats and probability of divorce are already against them. I already know 6 couples who have gotten divorces within the first 3 years, and I’m sure there will be more to follow. No one wants to hear that, the game of marriage really ain’t set up for many people to win. I mean, dog, if Brad and Angelina couldn’t make it, then what are the chances of Karen and Daniel surviving the winter? Are your friends better than Carmelo and La La? Can they stand the rain? If your honest answer is probably not then you might want to allocate that supposed-to-be-at-the-wedding time differently. There’s nothing worse than the regret of wasted time. Except receiving Save The Dates in the mail, of course.