Posts Tagged: The War Against Birds
3

Our Hawaiian President Winning War On Birds

Finally, our president has taken the battle home in our long war against birds. So long, eagles and hawks! Get stuffed! (If they can still stuff the twisted half-carcasses—more than half a million a year!—that remain after our wind turbines do their work.) MAKE LIKE THE BEES AND DROP DEAD.

Oh man, this total environmental collapse is going to be awesome!

5

Bad Goose Attacks

"A retired dentist suffered a broken leg after driving his quad bike into a tree while being attacked by a goose."

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Geese-Loving Traitors to Picket Bloomberg's Cabin

Collaborating human-traitors in our War Against the Birds will be protesting the planned mass slaughter of geese outside of Bloomberg's "house" on Monday. Sorry, English is complicated: that's where the protest will be. The slaughter will be… EVERYWHERE.

4

Crows Cause Irritation, Doody

"Frustrated By Crows" would be a good name for a band. Also "Made Scarecrow."

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Malignant, Intoxicated Fowl Forgetting How To Fly

Well, the Rapture didn't happen, but this did: "'Evil' drunk birds are falling from the sky in Darwin." Yes.

Photo by RaeA, from Flickr.

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The War Against Birds: We're Killing Them All!

The War Against Birds (Birds: We Have Always Been At War With Them!) just got insanely serious: "A nine-page report put together by a variety of national, state and city agencies shows that officials hope to reduce the number of Canada geese in New York to 85,000 from 250,000." By, you know, euthanizing them and burying them. (Somehow, may I add, actually eating them doesn't seem to have occurred to anyone?)

I guess… we're winning.

3

Architects Our Last Loyal Allies in the War Against Birds

"I don’t know of any architects out there who want to kill birds." Oh, they do, with their great glass facades and alluring skyscrapers. They just won't admit it in public, because of America's strident bird sympathizers in our long war against our avian enemies. For now, New York City remains a bird death mill in which we slaughter 90,000 evil birds each year. It's a good beginning. But we won't truly be safe until we kill ALL the birds. Just remember: for every bird we nab with our attractive see-through buildings, two more birds circle our airports, desperate to crawl inside our jet engines.

2

Meet the Jefferson Davis in the War Against the Birds

When last we checked in on the war against the birds, our plan was simply to kill most of them. And now we meet the head of the Department of Agriculture's Airport Wildlife Hazards Program. His job? Killing some birds. In gas chambers. Also, did you know that those fat cats in D.C. are less likely to die in airplane bird strike incidents? That's right! "All the D.C. airports have a federal biologist on the payroll."