Look, we are at this point HOURS AWAY from the winter break. Please do not make me consider the possibility that Earth has two moons. I mean, it actually makes sense, in that the one moon we see all the time is A USELESS PIECE OF GARBAGE THAT CLEARLY CANNOT PULL ITS WEIGHT, but really, I'm SO TIRED RIGHT NOW. I just… can't.
Okay, listen up, moon, I don't like you and you don't like me. So when I hear that you're going to be at your fullest and closest this weekend I know what it's all about: revenge. You're obviously still pissed off about that thing where we tried to blow you up. You're going to sit there, looking close enough to touch, but actually "some 211,600 miles (356,577 km) away." You want me to think I can finally take a swing at you and look ridiculous as I flail about because you're actually hiding safely away in space like the gigantic pussy you are. Forget it, I'm not [...]
Even though I am a confirmed moon-hater—and seriously, FUCK YOU, MOON! I hope someone sticks a giant space spear inside you and splits you into tiny stupid moon pieces—I have to admit that these images taken by Chinese rocket Chang'E 2 are kind of cool. Not cool enough to make me HATE THE FUCKING MOON any less, but still, worth passing on. This one shows the "second luanr orbit trim maneuver, an event witnessed by an engineering camera. Before the maneuver starts, the spacecraft executes a sequence of controlled turns, causing the Moon to swing through the field of view. The firing of the engine begins just after [...]
"This is a once in a lifetime event," said some scientist on the 'Today Show' this morning. "How often do we hit the moon?" NOT OFTEN ENOUGH, if these INCREDIBLY UNFULFILLING IMAGES are anything to go by. Where are the explosions? Where is the destruction? The moon is probably LAUGHING AT OUR IMPOTENT RAGE RIGHT NOW. I can hear its smirking, dismissive tone: "You call yourself a planet? That's the best you can do? I've had harder impacts from junk I picked up off the galaxy. Nice try." DAMN YOU, NASA, you've played us all for fools once more.
LBO's Doug Henwood was fortunate enough to watch the 1969 moon landing in the company of Bayard Rustin, a hero of the civil rights movement whose homosexuality prevented him from publicly receiving much of the praise he merited for all his hard labor. Rustin's suggested alternative to the Neil Armstrong "giant step" line makes me love him even more.
Oh, by all means, let's try and preserve all the VALUABLE HISTORY on the moon. It's SO IMPORTANT that all the footprints and garbage we left up there on previous visits remain intact. Lord knows the moon can't do anything for itself, because it's so USELESS. Ugh, stupid moon! Don't you know it's not going to make a difference once we finally come to our senses and blow you into little tiny chunks of utter worthlessness?
How do you map something 238,856 miles away? You can’t just send out a team of surveyors. At least, you couldn’t until relatively recently. Before then, lunar cartographers (technically, selenographers) could only rely on telescopes and their own artistic ability to draw a detailed portrait of the lunar face. They managed some pretty dazzling results.
One of the first widely seen images of the moon (aside from the IRL version), the drawing at left was included by Galileo in a book published in 1610. While he didn’t technically map the moon, these observations were among the first to take note that the moon was not a perfect smooth magic sky-ball [...]
Now I know some of you are not on board with my crusade against the moon. "I like the moon," you say. "It's pretty," you protest. "What about the tides," you implore. Well, screw the tides and screw the moon, because we have just learned something very important that will change your view of that useless satellite orbiting roughly 221,463 miles from the infinitely superior Earth. It seems the moon has been holding out on us. That's right, the moon is loaded with precious, precious titanium ore.
A gentle reminder: Tomorrow morning, at about 7:30 Eastern, we are going to take our giant space cockbomb and FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF THE MOON. Set your alarms!
Hahahaha, suck it, moon! Even your supposedly unique minerals can be found right here on earth! What are you good for, moon? Apart from mockery, NOTHING!
"Hertfordshire Police have released the audio of a male 999 caller reporting a bright UFO 'coming towards him' in his back garden, only to ring back minutes later to declare that its presence was in fact entirely explainable…. When asked by the call handler what he had seen, the man replied sheepishly: 'You're not going to believe this, you're not going to believe it, it's the moon.'"
So, despite our advice, you just couldn't help yourself. You HAD TO PAY ATTENTION TO THE MOON THIS WEEKEND, didn't you? Even NASA got in on the act. I am sorely disappointed with all of you, but particularly NY1 mainstay Pat Kiernan, who put aside his initial skepticism and helped validate the satellite's attention-seeking ways. Bad show, everyone.
Skip ahead to about the 2:00 mark to see last night's lunar eclipse. It is INCREDIBLY LAME, and do you want to know why? Because it's THE FUCKING MOON. Of course it's going to be lame. Can you think of anything more boring than the goddamn moon? Of course not. I hope you get pelted by a non-stop barrage of asteroids until you beg for mercy, moon! Fuck you and your family. Also, it is now officially winter. Bah.
You know what I hate? The fucking moon. Big white piece of shit with a rabbit on it. Makes people go crazy every time it's full. You can put a man on it, but you can't find a cure for the common swine flu. Who needs it? Fuck you, moon! That's why I'm so thrilled to learn that NASA, in its infinite wisdom, is gonna smack the shit out of that sucker with a high-speed impact probe on Friday. Oh, sure, they say it's all about trying to learn more regarding the ice buried deep beneath its surface, but you and I both know NASA hates the moon [...]