"The amount and type of fats men consume may have an effect on semen quality. More precisely, eating high levels of saturated fats appears to lower total sperm count and concentration."

You know, if a fellow can't set up his own home sperm lab without the long arm of the law reaching around to jam him up then something is seriously wrong with this country. It's time to get the government off our backs. And fronts.

Because I am feeling too lazy to make up a bit about Superman renouncing his American citizenship after angry birthers claimed his allegiance to Krypton made him undeserving of its privileges, I will instead simply pass this one along. It is apparently some kind of sperm retrieval machine. Have your way with it. God, Thursdays.

Feelin' lazy today, so I'm just gonna tee this one up and let you all do your thing: "According to this long article on penis bandwidth, one sperm has 740 MB of data, or about exactly as much as a CD." Okay, take it away! I do want to point out that Sonic Youth's Goo is pretty obvious, so maybe steer clear of that one.

How's your sperm, fella? Probably not so good, if Science is any indication. In fact, the situation is downright dire!

Professor Niels Skakkebaek, of the University of Copenhagen, describes the issue 'as important as global warming'. Last week, one science writer even suggested, in starkly terrifying terms, that if scientists from Mars were to study the male reproductive system, they would possibly conclude that man was destined for rapid extinction.

And if it continues, this trend could indicate men are on a path to becoming completely infertile within a few generations.

For some reason this medical segment from the local news is ridiculously amusing to me. Swine flu is back! Aren'tcha sick of hearing about it? Multivitamins will give you breast cancer! But who knows why? If you drink more than a gallon of soda a day you're going to damage your sperm, and if you are able to ejaculate it will be 90% Mountain Dew! But that may have something to do with the fact that people who don't guzzle Jolt at all hours have healthier lifestyles than Coke-swigging Johnny No Sperm. We're not sure! Back to you!

I don’t know why I’m never quoted in trend-pieces about What the Millennials Are Doing. I’m 23. I live in Brooklyn. I’m a perpetually underemployed graduate of a highly ranked East Coast university. I live with a female roommate who owns a lot of ramekins. And I decided to become a sperm donor to make ends meet In This Economy.

Manual labor jobs are on the decline, you know. Based on how winded I got trying to move a box of books into a new apartment a few months back, I probably couldn’t survive in a manual-labor-based economy, but like anybody with a steady flow of testosterone, I still like [...]

Here is another way you are killing your sperm: "Working on a laptop wirelessly may hamper a man’s chances of fatherhood. In a study, sperm placed under a laptop connected to the internet through wi-fi suffered more damage than that kept at the same temperature but away from the wireless signal. The finding is important because previous worries about laptops causing infertility have focused on the heat generated by the machines."

Previously: Are You Killing Your Sperm With Food?

Let's talk sperm! Turns out your diet may be harming your swimmers.

Experts at Harvard Medical School in the US found men who consume lots of saturated fat and monounsaturated fat may have fewer sperm.

In contrast, those who eat healthier fats – specifically omega 3 and omega 6 – may have healthier sperm that is more active, the study suggests.

Saturated fat is found in processed meats such as bacon, sausages and ham, dairy and butter. Monounsaturated fat is found in items such as olive oil

Basically, the takeaway is this: That bacon-egg-and-cheese you had for breakfast this morning? Consider it birth control!

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Meet Lara Carter, a "self-confessed 'sperm hunter' [who] uses ovulation kits to tell her when she is most fertile then pretends to be drunk, throwing herself at unsuspecting fellas and making it obvious she wants sex. If Lara, 25, meets a man who wants to use a condom, she will offer one from her purse – which she has already pierced a hole in." Lara is also the best thing that could ever happen to a Sun editor, because c'mon. My favorite part of this story, which may also be the saddest, comes at the end: "If you have been propositioned by Lara, email liveit@the-sun.co.uk with 'sperm hunter' [...]

There is a new nail polish-"a shade of pearl, milky white… glossed up with a bit of a sheen"-called Jizz. Whatever. Wake me when it's a lipstick. [Via]

Hot today: sperm! Science has discovered the molecule that tells sperm to stop sitting around and start sperming. "Now that we know what this channel is, then it could lead us to either develop a novel contraceptive for men, or perhaps find a way to improve the sperm motility for men whose sperm don't swim as well as they should," says the University of Sheffield's Dr. Allan Pacey. (Other contraceptives for men: oral sex, and, possibly, smoking pot.) For more information on sperm, consult this handy chart. Or call me.