"Is there anything lonelier and more depressing than watching Roseanne late at night when you can’t sleep?" —This terrible truth was buried in the back of Jonathan van Meter's recent Julia Louis-Dreyfus profile and I thought its horrible honesty deserved better than to be hidden under a bushel.
Heads up: This story is out there. Hover over the link to familiarize yourself with the URL in case you come across it in the ether, but DO NOT CLICK unless you are in a safe space for crying and will not see anyone for about an hour beyond that, just in case you have a couple of emotional aftershocks.
Good news! One of the saddest stories of the week has a marginally less sad ending. Sweet Christ.
"A snacker had to deal with a rather unexpected moment of emotion as the removal of a wrapper revealed a chocolate bar engraved with a sad face…. Reports are unclear as to whether the chocolate bar was allowed to see another day, although the odds appear to be in their favour as the thought of unnecessary calories, as well as the prospect of committing a brutal attack on such an innocent little face would be enough to put anyone off from tucking in." Is there ever a photo.
Some 20,000 polar bears are left on Earth, their only planet, and most of them live in the Canadian Arctic. While the bears have been distracted by the melting away of polar ice and their entire habitat, humans at a meeting in Thailand have decided that's it's okay to continue killing the endangered animals to sell their parts on the international market for bits of endangered animals—bearskin rugs and claws and "other body parts."
The United States delegation proposed not hunting the polar bear to extinction. Although the ban had the backing of Russia, which also has a declining polar bear population in its arctic zone, the Convention [...]
Everybody loves apps, experts say—you can tell because there is an app for everything, including the monitoring of your personal health. The problem is that once you're thinking about monitoring your personal health, you're well on the way to the grave. This depressing fact may be the reason why few Americans use such phone and tablet programs to keep track of what's all too evident from the creaking, coughing, groaning and "weird discharge" most people notice just fine without the danged smart phone beeping and whirring, from wherever it's hiding.
Nearly seven in 10 U.S. adults say they are tracking weight, diet, exercise routines or some medical [...]
In an annual tradition that seems to occur earlier each year, some British survey has declared today the year's most depressing. To be fair, it is Britain, where foulmouthed yobs vomit on knickerless ladettes whose consumption of cheap booze has caused them to pass out in the garbage-strewn streets and the only light anyone ever sees is the reflective glint from the blade that is about to stab them, so you can understand how they might feel a little down. But it's not like tomorrow's going to be any better.
I admire the depth of Christine Smallwood’s impressive research into bed-wetting therapies ['Are You Sleeping?,' Forum, August]. One treatment she neglected to mention, however, was the method my mother used: she brought me in from playing outdoors, stood me before my bed, forced my head down, and rubbed my face in the soiled sheet. I’ll bet her 'cure' was not an uncommon practice back in the 1940s. And while I did later have occasional incontinence issues on the playground, I never again wet the bed. Success — except for the sad memories.
Noreen Ayres Henryville, Pa."
"New research suggest an aesthetic experience that reflects a person’s mood can help calm emotional turmoil. Thus, sad music or books may help someone get through heartbreak." That is good news, because if you're feeling down, this will probably do the trick.
"But the Shooter will discover soon enough that when he leaves after sixteen years in the Navy, his body filled with scar tissue, arthritis, tendonitis, eye damage, and blown disks, here is what he gets from his employer and a grateful nation: Nothing. No pension, no health care, and no protection for himself or his family." —Things have not worked out so well for the Seal Team 6 assassin who took out Osama bin Laden, America's most wanted global terror mastermind Bond villain. Update: Someone should have told him about the VA hospital though.
"People who are sad are more likely to seek instant financial gratification, even though it means losing out on more money later if they had just waited."
You know what's old? You, the works of art and culture that were once such important signifiers of who you thought you were and what story you wanted to tell the world about yourself, all the promise and potential that portended so many possible futures for your life, the heartbreaking realization that where you are now is about as good as it's going to get and the sneaking suspicion that everyone around you knows how you mask the pathetic realities of your failure to meet even the most attainable goals you once set for yourself but they are too polite to say anything because it's all just too awkward to [...]
"He has braved the Nevada desert for Burning Man, been trampled by a bull in Pamplona, lived it up at Mardi Gras and partied just steps from Kim Kardashian and Kanye West in Miami." —God, everything out there today is just so depressing.
"Listening to someone else sing about his or her sadness is a vicarious experience, so the sadness we feel isn't as threatening to our well-being. We can just sit back and enjoy someone else's heartbreak." —This is an explanation for why sad songs make us happy, but it is also a metaphor for life.
"US Doctor Who fans are being urged to keep the plot of Saturday's finale secret after DVDs of the series were sent out early in error. BBC Worldwide said 'a small number' of fans had been sent pre-ordered DVDs three weeks early. It asked those with the DVD not to reveal plot details which would ruin the 'viewing pleasure' of others. It promised footage of current Doctor Matt Smith with predecessor David Tennant 'if everyone keeps the secret'."
"Keenan is known for his handling of heartbreak and sadness." —That has got to be one Miss Lonelyhearts-level job right there. This must be the happiest he's been in years.