My smart brother-in-law says you must reserve your children's Twitter handle before they can chew their food. Anyone else doing this? READ MORE

Lizzie Skurnick reads the Foer and the Chabon alike in search of understanding what's gotten so hideously annoying about modern dads. "Foer's unhinged screed against the dangers of the modern meat-industrial complex takes 'me too' fathering to a new level.... There is nothing wrong with falling into wonderment at one's own child. (It is contraindicated over the long term.) There's also nothing wrong with being against the wholesale ripping of beaks off innocent chickens to keep Tyson Foods in business, an image Foer returns to frequently. Who, after all, is for a food system that, among other things, routinely releases a geyser of fecal matter into the air to spray neighboring crops? The problem is that Foer suddenly cares-and, by extension, so must we-because some day one micrometer of that shit might fall on the head of Jonathan Safran Foer's son."

So this guy Wes Denkov is filing a class action lawsuit against this baby monitor company because the microphone was so sensitive it could pick up conversations from rooms outside of the nursery and cross streams and grab footage from the monitor NEXT DOOR. I get the whole, "I don't want other people tuning in on my baby's channel like he's some kiddie pool of husky puppies," but let's face it, a solo non-famous baby, sans a unicorn horn shaped like the virgin Mary crying blood tears or a tiny charming mermaid tail, is not that spesh, right? No offense DAD but you're the one who was too lazy to stand guard over your baby 24/7/365 with a tiny mirror affixed to its pie hole and holding a poultice on its fontanelle LIKE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO so don't blame the radiation portal that YOU bought to put by baby's face for your problems.