Posts Tagged: Oh No
12

My Hairdo Is Not Your Safari

People drop things on the Internet and run all the time. So we have to ask. In this edition, New York Times technology reporter Jenna Wortham tells us more about how people somehow still don’t know that it’s not OK to just reach out and touch someone else’s hair without asking.

Why do w girls keep tryna touch my topknot? Don't touch my topknot! #DTMT

— ▵ Jenna Wortham ▵ (@jennydeluxe) March 12, 2014

Jenna! So what happened here?

So, I was at South by Southwest, at a party for the artist Kehinde Wiley. I was in a great mood, slightly tipsy, loving [...]

1

Two Terrible Takeaways From The 'Times' "Dasani" Story

1.

Invisible Child: Dasani’s Homeless Life http://t.co/vnpNilKw5a Why is it that only black & brown parents are described as "dysfunctional"?

— Oneka LaBennett (@OnekaLaBennett) December 10, 2013

No.

2.

But then there's this, from America's oldest continuously published daily piece of bullshit: "But the Times and Elliott, like much of the liberal establishment, seem to think it’s the city’s job to provide comfortable lives to outrageously irresponsible parents."

15

Every Teen Should Have Their Phone Taken Away RIGHT NOW, SERIOUSLY, NOW

"I realized in life there’s only two ways for a girl to go, and that’s to be a dumb bitch or just a bitch. I decided that from now on I’m just gonna be a bitch, ’cause at least from now on guys would be intimidated by me. At least I would have the upper hand."

—Feeling okay about the kids today and social media? WELL DEFINITELY DON'T READ THIS THEN, OH JESUS, IT'S REAL BAD OUT THERE. Also who knew that Ask.fm was a hotbed of teen viciousness? (Teens. Teens knew. Teeeeens.) Oh man, poor teens. :(

11

This Heinous Hamptons Pool Windmill Can Be Yours For $9.9 Million

Who here thought money could buy you taste? Corcoran's delightful Amagansett offering speaks to the parvenu in us all. But seriously, that's a lot to pay to be the laughing stock of eastern Long Island. At least it's fairly close to the beach? Fun fact: it was on the market two years ago for $10.9 million! The windmill was installed, senselessly, in 2009.

4

Baby Names Beyond Parody

We didn't quite believe it when we saw this on Kate Day's Twitter, but here it is, in the Independent. Biggles George Fittleworth Jackson-Kew. And his sister. Posie Betsy Winifred Jackson-Kew. Who have an older sister. Named Tuppence.

But of course, things are crazy in England. The paper also makes note of the marriage of Peter Wood and Kitty Fox, and please let them hyphenate their names. "Hello, Mrs. Kitty Wood-Fox!"

It should also be noted that another excellent baby shared this announcement page, and her name is Cora Dudgeon. I swoon.

18

NYC in 2017: A 7-Eleven and an ATM on Every Corner of Manhattan

"Last July, 28th Street sold 8,000 Slurpees for an average price of $2 each. On its best day, it sold 291. (Slurpees, Natapraya tells me, have 'unbelievable' sales numbers in Manhattan.) But back then Jemal’s gross profit on the drinks was a paltry 62 percent—he was losing too many bins of syrup to expiration because of overordering." —The rise of the New York 7-Eleven: "134 stores by 2017 is the target for Manhattan." The future's up to you! You buy a Slurpee, you seal the deal.

10

AM New York's Disastrous Sex-Pun Front Page

Oh no. This is not actually how the "tabloid pun headline" is done. I will come over and explain it to your staff for $350 an hour though if you want. (THE STAFF! GET IT?) (via)

23

How To Teach Creative Writing To Undergrads While Being A Feminist Harpy

People drop things on the Internet and run all the time. So we have to ask. In this edition, writer, editor and MFA student Jia Tolentino tells us more about what it’s like to be a college writing instructor.

How will I live without typing words like "pls use spell check" & "pls don't use 'cock' in that context" & "is the narrator a ghost or what"

— Jia Tolentino (@jiatolentino) February 25, 2014

Jia! So what happened here?

I teach introductory creative writing at the University of Michigan, and I’d just finished this agonizingly detailed response letter to the 20th student story [...]

2

More Hipsters Spotted Typing Outside

After our pal C. D. Hermelin confessed his love of typing outside in these pages, we were concerned that, as with any crime, copycatting would ensue. Spotted on Second Avenue Bowery last night: this bundled fellow in full pursuit of his art. We were most impressed by the sheer volume of his typewriter. Now what have we done.

35

Ask Polly: Am I Just A Booty Call?

Dear Polly,

When is it too soon for an ultimatum? What is a good sign to leave something that's showing complications?

Although it is early, I have been seeing this guy for around 5 weeks. He lives down the road from me (1 block) but we ironically met online.

He is a 21-year-old bachelor, a major player who has never had a real relationship, not to mention he has been with more girls than my fingers and toes, doubled. He is a guy living with guys who has moved out of home less than 12 months ago. He is extremely passionate about his job, to the point it [...]

0

Bridge Graffitied

"Tourists and graffiti artists have turned the Brooklyn Bridge into an illegal canvas, scrawling motivational messages, valentines to the city and not-so-diplomatic doodles on it."

11

Princeton, the Worst School on Earth (Part 38 in a Series)

I was fairly sure that the worst advice in the world is to marry someone who went to Princeton. But nope, turns out the worst advice in the world is to "Find a husband on campus before you graduate." At Princeton. So you can be married to a hideous moron for the rest of your life, or at least a couple of years. Thanks for sharing, class of '77.

0

The Eternal Pizza Playoff of the Patchless Mind

“We’re going so far, in many of our Patches, to host ‘Pizza Playoffs’ — a tournament-style bracket that pits all the pizza parlors in town into showdowns to attract the most comments and star-ratings. Features like this could go on for weeks at a time, and when one ends, another will begin.” —Forever and ever, amen

22

Eighth-Graders Get Really Mean 9/11 Art Review

Viewed through the unripe eyes of Calhoun’s 13-year-olds, the collapse of the Twin Towers might have been a natural disaster. Captions tell us that the “The loss was sudden and great”; “Smoke and dust were everywhere”; and “The streets were empty.” For all the project’s pretense to chronicle, nothing indicates why. “People donated blood.” So? Blood drives are commonplace. “The people were afraid.” But of what? Yes, “people still miss the Twin Towers.” But why are they gone? Did they just fall down of their own accord? Might their destruction have had something to do with the lethal ideology of Islamist jihadists? Or with Islam’s theological imperative toward [...]

0

As If We Didn't Have Enough To Worry About Already

"Nobody has been arrested or charged in [April's coordinated sniper] attack at PG&E Corp.'s Metcalf transmission substation [in which "snipers opened fire on a nearby electrical substation. Shooting for 19 minutes, they surgically knocked out 17 giant transformers that funnel power to Silicon Valley."] It is an incident of which few Americans are aware. But one former federal regulator is calling it a terrorist act that, if it were widely replicated across the country, could take down the U.S. electric grid and black out much of the country."

29

Why Do You Animals Flush The Toilet With Your Feet?

People are always saying things on the Internet all the time. But they are such teases. We like details. So we have to ask.

This cannot be true. RT @1bobcohn: Poll: Two-thirds of Americans flush public toilets with their feet. http://t.co/Fa16tjjoxk

— Kevin Roose (@kevinroose) September 24, 2013

Kevin Roose! So what happened here? Well, someone posted this survey that was claiming that two-thirds of Americans flush public toilets with their feet. And that just did not seem correct to me. I had never foot-flushed in a public bathroom, nor had I heard of anyone else foot-flushing. So reading that story was like being [...]

36

Ask Polly: I Feel Violently Ambivalent About My Boyfriend… So Should We Get Married?

Dear Polly,

My ex and I broke up nearly a year ago, after five years together. It was mutual, yet for different reasons: he was depressed with and questioning his life choices, which our relationship was tied to (living a vagabond life, etc.). I realized that I had been questioning our relationship, and my lack of desire for him, for some time; I was finally offered a way out. I’m not sure if I would have gone through with the break-up if it wasn’t something he wanted as well. It was sad but amicable, and we remained in intermittent contact.

Several months later, he came to me and said he [...]

16

Nobel Literature Laureates, In Order

109. Frédéric Mistral, 1904

108. Winston Churchill, 1953

107. Pearl S. Buck, 1938

105 (tie). Harry Martinson, 1974

105 (tie). Eyvind Johnson, 1974

104. William Golding, 1983

103. Jacinto Benavente, 1922

102. John Galsworthy, 1932

101. Odysseus Elytis, 1979

100. Camilo José Cela, 1989

99. Rudyard Kipling, 1907

98. Roger Martin du Gard, 1937

97. John Steinbeck, 1962

96. Hermann Hesse, 1946

95. Sinclair Lewis, 1930

94. Paul Heyse, 1910

93. Vicente Aleixandre, 1977

92. Rudolf Christoph Eucken, 1908

91. V.S. Naipaul, 2001

90. Pablo Neruda, 1971

14

The Fashion Designers Want You Men to Dress Like a Lady

We need to talk about fashion. Come with me. TRIGGER WARNING: gender normativity ahead. But still.

1

Gangrene, "Vodka & Ayahuasca"

Longtime Mobb Deep and Eminem associate Alchemist (who grew up in Beverly Hills and was one-half of a teen-rap group with Scott Caan!) has formed a duo with L.A. indie rapper Oh No (who's given name is Michael Jackson and who is the younger brother of underground rap hero Madlib). They call themselves Gangrene, and for the title track of their first album, they've made a video in which Oh No is in a recording studio in the back of a U-Haul truck that becomes involved in one of America's most dangerous police chases. Alchemist is driving the truck. Lots of crazy stuff happens. Alchemist bails out and tries [...]