Monday - March 1, 2010

'Post' Prison Story A Riot Of Rape Jokes  @9:40 AM

The New York Post looks at the top-selling items at the Riker's Island commissary, where inmates "might get shanked — but they're never gouged." Leading the list of purchases: ramen noodles, the seasoning package of which is used to enhance other jailhouse fare. What else sells? Processed meat products and pastries are popular, apparently. "Perhaps the last words one wants to hear in the pokey are 'beef stick' or 'honey bun,' but those two snacks have both been staples of the inmate diet for decades, officials said." There are cosmetics on offer too! "Soap is a big seller at the commissaries. Alas, it doesn't come on a rope." Hahaha, you know why they said "alas"? Because if you drop the soap, you will get raped! Raped right in the ass! Like a little bitch! That is some powerful storytelling right there. 9

Thursday - February 25, 2010

Why We Read The New York Post  @11:40 AM

"It's not just that the paper focuses on human passions; it also focuses on the right humans. The secret source of its staying power is its emphasis on what I'll call MLNCBB: mid-level noncelebrity bad behavior, the kind of crime and punishment stories that fascinate precisely because they're committed not by the gods and goddess of the red carpet but by (relatively) ordinary human beings who suddenly do extraordinarily ill-advised things, up to and including murder. Crime stories, usually with some bizarre, out-of-the-box twist, ones with often hidden but nonetheless accessible moral and philosophical implications, are the meat and potatoes of the Post's stew."
—Ron Rosenbaum examines the enduring appeal of the New York Post. I pretty much agree with all of this, although it should be noted that the did not exactly cover themselves in glory with this one yesterday, particularly the headline. But we all get a little lazy sometimes! 3

Thursday - February 18, 2010

New York Tabs Get To The Point  @2:38 PM


I'm confused. Why didn't they just go with "WOMEN ARE WHORES"? 18

Monday - December 21, 2009

A Decade Of Terrible Puns  @10:10 AM

If you go by the New York Post's selection of its best front pages of the decade, we ushered in The Nads with the 9/11 terrorist attacks and ushered them out with the revelation that an illustrious linksman banged a bunch of broads. Unnoted in the review of the past ten years: the bit of prognostication to your left, and the classic "Benedict Jeffords," which brought us all so much hope for new EIC Col Allan's tenure. Going over this list, a couple of things stand out: 1) It's weird to think that it was only in this decade that full-color front pages became standard, and 2) Wow, what an absolutely horrible ten years it has been. 4

Wednesday - December 2, 2009

Obama Aghanistan Plan: Early Reaction From The Right  @8:45 AM


This would be hysterical if it weren't so predictable. 14

Tuesday - November 10, 2009

Why Doesn't the 'Daily News' Care About 'Post' Shenanigans?  @2:10 PM

The lawsuit from former Post employee Sandra Guzman is being eagerly consumed all over town. Because, you know: "Ms. Guzman and three female employees of the Post were sharing drinks at an after-work function. ['Post' honcho and now defendant Col] Allan approached the group of women, pulled out his blackberry and asked them 'What do you think of this?' On his blackberry was a picture of a naked man lewdly and openly displaying his penis." (As opposed to doing so not lewdly, but whatever!) Except, it's been pointed out, there is no glee at the Daily News, which didn't even bother to gloat. Ben Smith makes a great point: "It's something specific to Mike Bloomberg's New York that it's now a town where the Daily News makes sure not to hurt the feelings of the Post." 2

Thursday - July 16, 2009

"Successful New Yorkers" To Be Screwed By Obama, Say 'Post'!  @9:30 AM

I saw this morning's New York Post and it raised in me a great interest! "Successful New Yorkers" will pay 57% tax under Obama, says the front page of the paper! (Their alleged "front page" online says something different than on newsstands; in that universe, only New York's "risk takers" will pay 57% tax.) Well, I am a highly successful New Yorker! I am concerned! What does this mean for me? READ MORE 33

Monday - July 13, 2009

Kim Jong Il Ailing, Unhealthy, Sick, Poorly, Unwell, Etc.  @10:38 AM


Due to secrecy and the difficulty of obtaining accurate intelligence, it's hard to know exactly the state of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il's health. But if the latest reports that he has terminal cancer turn out to be true (the three captions above are presented in reverse order) we're pretty sure that he will be mourned the most by the headline writers at the New York Post. 7

Tuesday - June 9, 2009

Rich People Things: Sonia Sotomayor, Clarence Thomas And The Trouble With The "Up From Poverty" Narrative  @11:15 AM

The thing with humble beginnings in American life is that one is supposed to leave them decorously as just that-the harrowing, Dickensian prologue to an adult life of implacable success and celebrity splendor. That's why the personal story of Sonia Sotomayor is being tirelessly rehearsed as a classic instance of the American Dream coming true-something that claims its significance on the basis of what the Bronx-bred jurist left behind, as opposed to her much-bruited views on how her ethnic heritage continues to shape her approach to her job. READ MORE 3

 

"Today's the day the teddy bears have their RAPE picnic."  @10:41 AM

"An employee of teddy-bear giant Steiff is making some grisly allegations against the company's CEO, charging he sexually harassed her for years — and raped her," reports the Post this morning. The paper also captions photos of the CEO and his accuser with "ANIMAL: Jane Collins says Martin Frechen, her boss at the Steiff teddy-bear firm, couldn't keep his claws off her and raped her." All in all, we suppose it's better than, say, "Jane Collins loved most of her duties at Steiff, but she found the rape parts unbearable!" Still, it's a pretty close-run thing. 10

Thursday - May 21, 2009

Notre Dame Kids Schooled  @8:30 AM

New York Post letter writers: an educated, passionate lot. 7

Tuesday - May 12, 2009

Everything Is Different Post-Swine Flu  @7:39 AM

The New York Post, April 27

The New York Post, today: "IN the latest sign of the germaphobic times, an antibacterial Purell dispenser has appeared in the White House briefing room. Reporters, who belong to the media that bears some blame for hyping the swine flu scare, were laughing at the chest-high contraption and some had themselves photographed in front of it before Friday's White House briefing." 1

Monday - May 4, 2009

New York Post's Faces Of Death  @2:42 PM

"You know," Marge Simpson once famously declared, "Fox turned into a hardcore sex channel so gradually, I didn't even notice." That quote seems somewhat prescient today, as News Corp's New York Post encourages you to watch bystanders get mowed down in a film stunt gone awry and observe the moment when a man is murdered. Honestly, if we're really gonna go this way, at least bring on some porn to make it a little less depressing. 4

 

Applied Mathematics: Pinch-O-Meter  @12:45 PM

Numbers, charts, and graphs are all around us. What do they mean? What connections can we make from them? Who will help us understand the things they say? Our resident statistician, that's who! He will attempt to explain the digits that shape your world. This week: The Pinch-O-Meter. READ MORE 20

Tuesday - April 28, 2009

The 'New York Post' Hates Latin Derivations  @10:00 AM

File under Fascinating Things I Have Never Thought About Before And Now Won't Be Able To Stop Noticing:

I used to say that I thought there was a full-time staffer at the Post that read through the copy and replaced all latinate words with germanic ones: "arrest" becomes "nab," "rapidly" becomes "fast," "assist" becomes "help," "error" becomes "mistake," "salary" becomes "wage."

12

Monday - April 27, 2009

Irate tramps inflict bodily harm on fellow miscreant  @10:56 AM

My personal assessment of How Bad Things Are Out There is based on a daily perusal of the New York Post's crime blotter. It's a fairly simple formula: when it's mostly "livery cab driver assaulted by drunk passenger at 4 in the morning in Brooklyn," you're pretty much at status quo. When you start seeing office workers mugged in the Flatiron at 2 in the afternoon, that's when it's time to panic. Fortunately, incidents of that sort have been on the decline over the last couple of weeks, recent spate of gun crime notwithstanding. READ MORE 7

Friday - April 24, 2009

"Bronx Zoo Fries Animals" Is The Kind Of Story That Would Sell Papers  @8:55 AM

Forgive me if I fail to panic. You know what? Let me know when they start eating the animals; that'll be a better indicator of how bad it is out there. 11

Wednesday - April 22, 2009

Pirate lucky we didn't ship his ass to Guantanamo  @8:19 AM

You know, I'm well aware that the Post—and Andrea Peyser in particular—is the designated Ed Anger of our city's media scene, and I'm further aware that there's a long newspaper tradition of angry populism from people who know better, particularly when it comes to the criminal justice system, but reading today's piece from the Peys was something of an eye-opener. READ MORE 6

Friday - April 17, 2009

Whatever, like you're not childish every now and again.  @10:21 AM

I'm sure it means I'm terribly juvenile, but I think this headline is hysterical. 4

Sunday - April 12, 2009

Man bites… oh, whatever.  @9:48 PM

"Julia Szabo, The Post's pets columnist, divorced her husband, John, in 2001, but they continued to live together for years for the sake of their six dogs. Finally, last month, John moved out, but not until they fought a heartbreaking custody battle over their beloved pit bull Angus. For the first time, Julia reveals her story of love, loss and moving on."

We're still fucking around with the way the blockquote feature looks here on The Awl, so I want to assure readers who might be confused that this is a 100% BLOCKQUOTE. 0

 

Avast, mateys! We be highjackin' your logo!  @9:46 PM

NewsCorp officially hoists its flag. 0