Keep your eye on WALB reporter Dayne Young. Sure, right now he's just covering south Georgia, but one need only observe the effortless charm he exudes as he pulls off the most difficult of local news maneuvers in the middle of this report on Valentine's Day dining at the Tifton Waffle House—suddenly, rather than just narrating the action, he's part of it—to know that this kid is going places. You heard it here first.

You know, if a fellow can't set up his own home sperm lab without the long arm of the law reaching around to jam him up then something is seriously wrong with this country. It's time to get the government off our backs. And fronts.

You could view this report as the heartwarming tale of a family brought together by its tradition of dressing up in comical holiday outfits, yearly proof that despite the passage of time and the differences that come between us as we grow and change, Christmas stills retain the magic of our earliest childhood memories, when all was wonder and joy. In fact, that is exactly how I suggest you view it, because the alternative—the story of a group of adults held hostage by a megalomaniac matriarch whose need to humiliate her spouse and offspring on a yearly basis is probably driven by resentment and regret over the paths her life never took while she gave up the best years of her life to her family—is just too grim to contemplate. And too real.

You know, why wouldn't someone who pays money to have her pet spray-painted name the dog Snooki? It makes perfect sense when you think about it.

It's a Christmas miracle! Or, you know, a holiday miracle. It's some kind of miracle, anyhow. I mean, I guess.

Ignore for a moment the potential precedent set by a judge's decision that the combatants in a Connecticut divorce case should have to share their passwords to several social networking sites to aide the discovery process. Instead focus on the magic that occurs around the one minute mark of this video, when the reporter appears in three places at once. ASTOUNDING! Okay, now return your focus to the potential precedent. The future really is now, isn't it?

Attention every other local news reporter in America: THIS is how you do it.

"If the Booty Lounge is rocking, Detroit police come knocking." [Spoiler: The Booty Lounge was indeed rocking, and the knocking of Detroit's constabulary resulted in the cessation of posterior oscillation.]

What will they think of next? Greeting cards for the unemployed! How marvelous! The outsourcing of emotion has never been easier. My only suggestion is that they make the cards much larger, like newspaper size, because pretty soon the recipients are going to need to use them as blankets.

Did you know that more young couples are opting for dogs these days? The TV news says so, so it's probably true. And rather than choose puppies, they are picking older dogs, who are less active, easier to take care of and (well?) aren't going to be a burden for that many years. I'm sure it says something about who we are now that the well-off are eschewing the millstone that is parenting in favor of a stint with a pet, but given the damage we do to the children we actually have, this is probably all for the best.