Posts Tagged: Local News
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Gun-Toting Baristas Dispense Caffeine, Justice

There are some pretty intense sound effects that open and close this story, just FYI. Anyway, if you haven't read our barista story yet this is the perfect opportunity, and if you have read it already, read it again, but this time imagine the writer is strapped through the whole thing. It really adds to the complexity of the piece.

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Nation's Einsteins Have Opinions On 911 Call

The next time you are decrying the increasing level of stupidity our species seems competitive about displaying and someone says to you, "Oh, relax, people are actually getting smarter, there has never been a better time for human ingenuity and we are all wiser and more informed than ever before, why are you always such a downer, Alex?" you can point them to this "news" story, and I am not even talking about the story itself, you can just point them to the "social media reacts!" part. I mean, there's PLENTY of stupidity to go around, but if you're pressed for time the Twitter stuff will surely suit your [...]

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Embrace Your Inner Surf Pig

"Surfing is Hawaii's gift to the world, it's like true happiness, and that's what this guy does: Everywhere he goes he makes people smile and laugh. He just brings joy to the world." —Think about the last time someone said that about you. (If you are a woman, change the hes to shes, obviously.) When was it? Probably never, right? Maybe you should take a minute to reassess everything that's happening in your life right now. That stress you feel, the sadness you carry around with you, the gnawing sense of anxiety that never lets you quite settle in anywhere no matter how happy you try to trick yourself [...]

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Crow Carnage In Canyon County Ruffles Feathers

Police officers from Caldwell, Idaho, are facing criticism for not properly disposing of the corpses of the crows they have shot to death in the line of duty. On the days when I feel as though I have finally had enough of this city and it is time for me to move somewhere more sedate and less congested it is incredibly helpful to see stories like this that let me know what the rest of the country is actually like. Don't make me go there, I promise I'll be good.

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Maybe Bigfoot Is Letting Himself Get Seen In Michigan In Hopes That Someone Will Get Him The Hell Out Of Michigan

I'm sure this highlights my coastal urban elitism, but I had to Google ghillie suit. Turns out it's just the actual word for those, like, 3D camouflage pajamas. You know, with the twigs and fake grass on them? Whatever, I am happy to have learned something today.

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Baby Bears Want To Get The Hell Out Of Houston Just Like Everyone Else

How about we all make our escape now? Don't let them trick you with the peanut butter and fruit scam, they just want to throw you back in your cage. Roam free, you baby bears. And to all a good night.

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Britain Blows, Midwest Snows

Britain is a nightmarish hellhole where existence is a pitiless struggle in even the calmest of times, so it is heartbreaking to watch this remarkable footage of its wretched denizens forced to contend with heavy wind. Scroll down here for an even more remarkable graphic delineating the types of gust.

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Weeds Irksome

Yes, winter here in New York has been rough, what with the constant cold weather and the repeated snowfalls and the continuous lack of light feeding the feeling of anguish and solitude that always lurks just below the surface at even the sunniest of times but has never been so insistent and pervasive as it has been during this seemingly endless period of sorrow and depression which has turned even the most cheerful of your acquaintances into dejected, dull-eyed automatons shuffling through life without purpose or hope, but out west they have a bad tumbleweed problem, so I'm sure things are no picnic there either. [Related]

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Lid Blown Off Shocking "White Girls" Story

"A high school newspaper headline is stirring up controversy in Rio Rancho. Some call it offensive; others deem it a joke, but either way the headline 'No money for Starbucks #WhiteGirlProbz' didn’t go unnoticed. The article goes into other topics, from what 'white girls' eat to how they dress. 'They think white girls are completely different from everybody else,' said freshman Jordan Smith. 'It doesn't make any sense to me.'" [Via]

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For Dead Chickens, A Monument Denied

Do you think future generations will look back at us in horror and disgust because standards will have evolved to the point where we seem like savages for not having erected giant roadside memorials honoring the tragic highway chicken fatalities that happen along our nation's arteries with regrettable frequency? It's a trick question, because the odds are there aren't going to be very many future generations, and even if we somehow do survive as a species for another hundred years I am pretty sure the direction in which our sensibilities are headed is going to be one where we only express emotions about those who can do something for [...]

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You Need To Be High To Hear All These Pot Puns

Let's play a game: How many bad marijuana puns can you find in this local news report about Weed Row in Snohomish County, WA? Hahaha, just kidding, they're ALL BAD.

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Wedgie Fatal

Ugh, America, I think I'd rather read another round of opinions on whether "Girls" accurately represents the struggle and ambivalence of the women at its center or if it is actually a slightly highbrow attempt at the titillation of 50-year-old men with HBO subscriptions and the sense that they are missing out on things than hear about this. I mean, assuming those are the only options at this point.

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We Have To Take Our Shoes Off To Fly But Woman Is Shocked That She Can't Carry A Tiny Gun Onto A Plane

"I think we could summarize it with the hashtags," is the takeaway from this news story that proves we are well within the stupid season of holiday stories and the new year can't come soon enough. But it's Friday, so there's that.

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Bear Used As Bear Bait

"The trap with the yearling in it is being watched to see if other bears come looking for it. We have not been told what the plan is if that happens."

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Meet America's Most Fortunate Dumpster Occupants

"Today is their lucky day. They should probably not buy a lottery ticket today, they've used it all up," says a spokesman for the Spokane fire department of a man and woman who were emptied into the back of a trash truck from the dumpster they were in at the time and fortuitously avoided being crushed by the truck's compactor until they were serendipitously discovered by the truck's driver, who heard a strange noise and went to investigate. The couple also has a dog, whose lucky day I suppose it is as well.

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Bigfoot Carcass Display Exemplifies The Spirit Of Our Age

It is rare that a single local news story so fully encapsulates the tenor of the times, but when it does happen, boy, have you ever got something special on your hands.

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Crazy Made-Up Animal Spotted In Crazy All-Too-Real State

Is the legendary chupacabra—the mysterious, cryptid vampire that terrorizes livestock—hanging around outside Houston? If you are familiar with the kind of freaks who live in the Houston area you will almost certainly be nodding your head in agreement, because, FREAKS, but some animal guy says maybe it's a dingo. You never know, I guess. But if the legendary chupacabra is anywhere, I bet it's in Texas, where all freak things come from.

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Injury Recounted

One of the first things you learn when you write on the Internet is to never refer to chiropractors as "fake back doctors," because oh my God, the email from crazy people never stops. So I will just mention that this story about a fake back doctor who is suing a kid who he coached in Little League for an injury sustained when the kid threw his helmet in the air in celebration is a terrific example of what makes local news great, i.e. the part where the reporter re-enacts the story on his own. It's pretty classic.

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Bear-Suited Suspect Remains At Large

Terrible puns await all those who click on this story. Consider yourselves warned.

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Nashville Couple Expelled From Mall For Festive Dress No More Freakish And Depressing Than Anyone Else In Tennessee

"Wore Costume"