It is rare that a single local news story so fully encapsulates the tenor of the times, but when it does happen, boy, have you ever got something special on your hands.
Is the legendary chupacabra—the mysterious, cryptid vampire that terrorizes livestock—hanging around outside Houston? If you are familiar with the kind of freaks who live in the Houston area you will almost certainly be nodding your head in agreement, because, FREAKS, but some animal guy says maybe it's a dingo. You never know, I guess. But if the legendary chupacabra is anywhere, I bet it's in Texas, where all freak things come from.
One of the first things you learn when you write on the Internet is to never refer to chiropractors as "fake back doctors," because oh my God, the email from crazy people never stops. So I will just mention that this story about a fake back doctor who is suing a kid who he coached in Little League for an injury sustained when the kid threw his helmet in the air in celebration is a terrific example of what makes local news great, i.e. the part where the reporter re-enacts the story on his own. It's pretty classic.
Terrible puns await all those who click on this story. Consider yourselves warned.
Nashville Couple Expelled From Mall For Festive Dress No More Freakish And Depressing Than Anyone Else In Tennessee
"Unbelievable, like something out of a movie," says the reporter covering the story of the homeless man who took a ferry for a joy ride in Seattle, which either says something about the shocking level of skepticism in the Emerald City or the low quality of film they get out west. Anyway, I woke up this morning thinking about the phrase "looky-loo," wondering if anyone used it anymore. I guess people do! Life's funny like that sometimes.
"Not allowing myself to be bullied by the vocal minority is… the war I want to win," says an Oregon football coach who refused to relent when the forces of oppression tried to prevent him from taking his middle school charges to a local Hooters for an awards dinner.
"Surfing is Hawaii's gift to the world, it's like true happiness, and that's what this guy does: Everywhere he goes he makes people smile and laugh. He just brings joy to the world." —Think about the last time someone said that about you. (If you are a woman, change the hes to shes, obviously.) When was it? Probably never, right? Maybe you should take a minute to reassess everything that's happening in your life right now. That stress you feel, the sadness you carry around with you, the gnawing sense of anxiety that never lets you quite settle in anywhere no matter how happy you try to trick yourself [...]
Police officers from Caldwell, Idaho, are facing criticism for not properly disposing of the corpses of the crows they have shot to death in the line of duty. On the days when I feel as though I have finally had enough of this city and it is time for me to move somewhere more sedate and less congested it is incredibly helpful to see stories like this that let me know what the rest of the country is actually like. Don't make me go there, I promise I'll be good.
Maybe Bigfoot Is Letting Himself Get Seen In Michigan In Hopes That Someone Will Get Him The Hell Out Of Michigan
I'm sure this highlights my coastal urban elitism, but I had to Google ghillie suit. Turns out it's just the actual word for those, like, 3D camouflage pajamas. You know, with the twigs and fake grass on them? Whatever, I am happy to have learned something today.
How about we all make our escape now? Don't let them trick you with the peanut butter and fruit scam, they just want to throw you back in your cage. Roam free, you baby bears. And to all a good night.
Britain is a nightmarish hellhole where existence is a pitiless struggle in even the calmest of times, so it is heartbreaking to watch this remarkable footage of its wretched denizens forced to contend with heavy wind. Scroll down here for an even more remarkable graphic delineating the types of gust.
With the stupid news that NY1, America's best local television station, is going to be renamed "Time Warner Cable News NY1," which of course is what we are ALL going to call it all the time, comes fear and anxiety. Are they going to make Pat Kiernan wear a Time Warner tie? Are they going to make a horrible new jingle in which they semi-rhyme Time Warner with "your corner" or, worse, "tenant farmer"?
My biggest concern, however, is: what's going to happen to the hot jogger guy? Hot Jogger Guy has been appearing in the transitional bumps on NY1 for a very, very long time. He now [...]
I enjoy the way they just sort of drop in the story about the guy who died in Room 1111 towards the end of the piece. Like, "I dunno, it's still pretty thin, anyone die here? Oh, great!" Anyway, I'm scared, hold me, etc.
Do you think future generations will look back at us in horror and disgust because standards will have evolved to the point where we seem like savages for not having erected giant roadside memorials honoring the tragic highway chicken fatalities that happen along our nation's arteries with regrettable frequency? It's a trick question, because the odds are there aren't going to be very many future generations, and even if we somehow do survive as a species for another hundred years I am pretty sure the direction in which our sensibilities are headed is going to be one where we only express emotions about those who can do something for [...]
Let's play a game: How many bad marijuana puns can you find in this local news report about Weed Row in Snohomish County, WA? Hahaha, just kidding, they're ALL BAD.
Ugh, America, I think I'd rather read another round of opinions on whether "Girls" accurately represents the struggle and ambivalence of the women at its center or if it is actually a slightly highbrow attempt at the titillation of 50-year-old men with HBO subscriptions and the sense that they are missing out on things than hear about this. I mean, assuming those are the only options at this point.
We Have To Take Our Shoes Off To Fly But Woman Is Shocked That She Can't Carry A Tiny Gun Onto A Plane
"I think we could summarize it with the hashtags," is the takeaway from this news story that proves we are well within the stupid season of holiday stories and the new year can't come soon enough. But it's Friday, so there's that.
"The trap with the yearling in it is being watched to see if other bears come looking for it. We have not been told what the plan is if that happens."
Let this be a reminder that whatever you put a photo of on the Internet, there will be people who fantasize about fucking it, and that starts with your babies and pets, even the ones that aren't super-attractive. Maybe the lesson is don't ever put anything on the Internet. We could give that a shot for a little while and see how it turns out, right?