This is one of those stories where the most charitable thing you can say is that there are probably additional factors beyond the issue at hand that have contributed to its denouement, but regardless, nothing you see here could exactly be considered a good advertisement for the act of smoking or those who participate in that activity.

Okay, there is obviously a lot more to this story than what the report indicates, so without making a comment on the rest of the circumstances I would just like to point out that—and pay attention; you might not think this is going to come in handy but when it does (and, trust me, as confident as you are now that this situation will never apply to you, in this life you will discover that things that you cannot even conceive of happen with such unpredictable ease that by the time you even register surprise you are already past the point of addressing the issue on your own) you [...]

"Of course, not everyone has the purple blood to imitate His Royal Badness. The decision is left up to the judges. But remember: the clones can earn up to $25,000 per year on a part-time basis. Not a bad salary for donning a little eyeliner, some lacy frocks and gyrating like Elvis!" —As is their wont, the guys at Ego Trip have unearthed something wonderful for us.

Thank God we've only got a good fifteen years left on this planet. Otherwise these kids would DIE OF EMBARRASSMENT. Also, ewww.

I don't get it, do people go out and shoot the melons, or are they just buying them to eat?

"Two truisms of television — never work with animals and you never know what to expect on live TV — combined to send a Pennsylvania weatherman fleeing for his safety as thousands of viewers watched. Kurt Aaron, meteorologist for ABC affiliate WNEP-TV in Scranton, Pa., was seconds from delivering the weather forecast on Monday from the station’s outdoor studio when a mama bear and her three cubs wandered on set." In case you're wondering, the weather in Scranton seems a little chilly. [Via]

This is just Portland trolling the rest of America, right?

I was barely a moment inside Walmart, studying the cucumbers and avocados, when a middle-aged man came up to say hi.

We started talking about the oil boom sweeping Williston, North Dakota. He said his coworkers were losing it out here in the middle of nowhere. Maybe he would lose it too.

"You gotta really be focused on your shit," he said. "And it's hard. And on that note, that's why you should let me take you to dinner."

I declined. He called later that evening to ask me on a date. He said he'd take me to Pizza Hut. I was not pining for a rendezvous with a roustabout [...]

Everyone should have a Tommy in their lives.

Is this Texas' tiniest rodeo cowboy? Sure, why the hell not. Also worth noting: "He's no prima donna."

Perhaps the biggest shock here is that this is considered newsworthy.

"I have a feeling this is going to be a once-in-a-lifetime experience and I'm going to be looking back on this in thirty years laughing still," says a man dressed in a chicken suit who had an American flag stolen from him as he celebrated the reopening of a Boston Market restaurant. The level of pathos here is just impossible to deal with.

That is one skateboarding, product-endorsing dog! You know what I did today? Put in a post about a skateboarding, product-endorsing dog. I really need to reevaluate my life choices.

Yes, sure, a profile of a man who sketches asses is a tough gig, but if reporter Tia Heidebrecht ever wants to make it out of Sioux City she's got to do a better job of selling phrases like "bootyful drawings" and "anything butt shy." Respect the form, woman.

Snow, snow and more snow! And that's just the voice-over. "This is winter's last blast of the year," says the reporter. "Or maybe not." It really makes you think.

You can look at this story as a kind of tragic meta-commentary on the absurdity of love and how, when it dies, its absence can cause us to lash out in the most ludicrous of ways, engendering unwanted attention that we can't even care about because we are so bitter over our broken heart and desperate to be acknowledged in our despair, to be avenged in our suffering. But I like to focus on the part where the reporter notes that the police have "a binder like this one" on the estranged couple in the case and then holds up the binder to show you just in case you [...]

For me, the most depressing religious philosophy concerning the condition of existence is the concept of samsara, where you are continually reincarnated until you get it right. For those of us who feel as if the brutal burden of being alive is perhaps the cruelest joke, the idea that, when you've finally discharged your obligations in that regard, you get sent back to the start, as if you were playing some sadistic game of Chutes and Ladders, is almost too painful to consider. Once around will be more than enough, thanks. Still, every time you are tempted to wallow in the mire of despair over the sheer strain of [...]

"For the past week, Hudson police have been investigating here at Ceder Park Cemetery, who stole dozens of American flags from tombstones of military veterans. Using surveillance equipment, they found their suspect. Yet, they can't arrest him."

Man, "The Simpsons" really did predict everything, didn't it?

How did you celebrate Easter? I personally welcomed our Lord's return by drinking an unwise amount, a decision for which I am currently paying the inevitable price. But, you know, it's the resurrection; if you're not gonna rejoice in that, what are you going to rejoice in? Anyway, He is risen. As this news report points out, the same thing can't be said for the bunny. This morning I am feeling a lot more like the bunny than the other guy.