Posts Tagged: Knifecrime Island

When Lights Are Low In London

"SCARED residents are snapping up stab proof vests and protective clothing to shield themselves from attacks during the street light switch-off, an Essex defence company boss claims."


Hope Floats

"A sturgeon which escaped from an aquatic centre during the floods which swept Britain has been found in a puddle a mile away, as experts hope another missing Koi Carp could still be found."


Pie Divisive

"Arguments at weddings can be caused by a variety of reasons: From drunken uncles making a scene and distant cousins unhappy at being on a table by the door, to best man speeches that reveal a little bit too much about the stag do and almost anything to do with the bride’s sister. But now a new source of conflict can be added to the list – a pork pie. Police tweeted that they were on their way to a couple’s wedding celebrations to break up a brawl thought to have been started after an argument about the humble meat pie. Officers from the dog section at West Yorkshire Police [...]


Rich Lady Maybe Not So Rich

Will the lady who owns Knifecrime Island soon be put out on the streets? She's "down to her last million," according to one of the always restrained journals which deliver the news to that festering mass of pustular blade-wielders, and may have to rent out part of her house—which at least seems to be in keeping with the spirit of the age.


You Don't Stop Being British Just Because You're Old

"More than half a million people have been hospitalised in the past three years because of drink or drugs, with those in their 40s behind a surge in cases that is putting a strain on the NHS, official figures reveal. A total of 533,302 people in England have been admitted to hospital as an emergency since 2010 with serious health problems related to their consumption of alcohol or illicit substances. The vast majority were admissions for conditions specifically related to alcohol abuse, such as liver problems. Of those, 60,738 were aged 40 to 44 and another 60,083 were 45 to 49 – together, more than a fifth of the total. [...]


Conservative Government Brings Back Victorian Traditions To England

"England's chief medical officer has said the public should feel 'profoundly ashamed' of a 'very worrying picture' of children's health and called for the scheme of free vitamins to be extended to all under-fives to tackle the return of rickets."


Pretend To Be Surprised: British People Don't Bathe

It would be very easy to treat the "surprising new figures" revealed by this survey that "more than a quarter of Britons never have a bath" as further evidence that the foul and pestilent dwellers of that benighted island are exactly as filth-encrusted and odoriferous as the rest of the world has so frequently chronicled in story and song, a vile and dungy people whose only experience of exfoliation comes when the sharp edge of the blade removes a layer of the cack-encrusted excrescence their medical professionals [...]


British Corpses Extra Bloaty

"A British parish council is the first in the UK set to dedicate part of a proposed new cemetery to obese corpses as crematoriums, morgues and ambulance chiefs gear up for bigger bodies."


Accent Misunderstood

"A murder suspect has been cleared after experts found that a supposed confession she made in a 999 call was mis-heard because of her strong regional accent."


Birds Need Antidepressants To Survive Living In England

At the Scarborough Sea Life Sanctuary in the northeast of England (England, for the uninitiated, is a series of small wet rocks in the North Atlantic Ocean), penguins have been given anti-depressants because penguins are apparently pretty perceptive and are aware of the awful place in which they live. This winter has been the wettest on record in Scarborough, and while the Humboldt penguin (native to coastal Chile) is perfectly capable of dealing with brutal cold, these particular penguins are no match for the psyche-destroying sleet of an English winter. Hopefully they'll be kept away from the knives.

Photo by Fruggo


Ghost Ship Full Of Cannibal Rats About To Enter Nightmarish Hellscape Called "Britain"

"A deserted cruise ship crawling with cannibal rats is feared to be heading towards Britain, marine experts revealed." There is video, but it is mostly of a boat, which, zzzz.


Britain Blows, Midwest Snows

Britain is a nightmarish hellhole where existence is a pitiless struggle in even the calmest of times, so it is heartbreaking to watch this remarkable footage of its wretched denizens forced to contend with heavy wind. Scroll down here for an even more remarkable graphic delineating the types of gust.


Man British

"A man was charged with trespass and possession of a blade last night after an intruder allegedly tried to barge his way into Buckingham Palace. David Belmar, 44, was tackled by police at the Queen’s London home after apparently trying to access the main staff entrance while carrying a knife."


British Regional Prejudices Adorable

Hahahaha, British people don't realize that they all sound like knife-wielding scumbags.


When You Buy A Bunch Of Spider-Infested Bananas

"A family was forced to flee their home and have it fumigated after hundreds of potentially deadly spiders were found in a bunch of bananas bought at the local shop."


Kate Moss Delivers David Bowie's Plea For British Unity At Music Award Ceremony

"David Bowie used his platform as the winner of the best British male solo artist on Wednesday night to make an unexpected intervention in the the debate over Scottish independence. In a statement delivered by the model Kate Moss, who accepted the prize for him, Bowie said, 'Scotland, stay with us,'" is a thing that happened here in your world.


Comedian Prevented From Being Unfunny In England

"The controversial French comedian Dieudonné M’bala M’bala has been banned from the UK after one of his shows was barred in France following his branding by the government as anti-Semitic.

Mr Dieudonné had said he wanted to visit Britain to support Nicolas Anelka, a compatriot and West Bromwich Albion football player who has been charged for using the “quenelle”, a gesture created by the comedian that resembles an inverted Nazi salute and is allegedly anti-Semitic."

—Dieudonné, a spectacularly terrible comedian (here is one of his videos, in which he performs [...]


Who Stole All The Ferrets?

Is Britain full of ferret thieves? In a country where the prime minister can honor his barber for "services to hairdressing" I suppose anything is possible.


Fandom Rebuffed

"The Prime Minister is fast turning in to the least popular groupie in town. David Cameron has been spurned by another of his musical heroes after praising the work of The Housemartins in the House of Commons. Speaking at Prime Minister's Questions, Mr Cameron hailed the 1980s band while congratulating Hull on being made the UK's next City of Culture…. The band's former lead singer, Paul Heaton, immediately took to Twitter telling fans: 'Well, apparently David Cameron likes London 0 Hull 4. Which part of the attack on his policies and rich friends did he like best???'" —Maybe the most disturbing thing here is [...]


British People Talk Funny

What's plaguing Britain now? Yes, yes, knives. It is an island awash in blades where even a quick run to the corner shop is an obstacle course of drink-sozzled louts in hooded sweatshirts whose twisted desire for the feeling of power brought about by inflicting misery can only be sated by thrusting their sharpened steel into the pliant human flesh of random passersby etc. We already know this is what Britain is all about. But now: With her ear glued to her mobile phone, my 11-year-old daughter, Millie, was deep in conversation, her brow furrowed as she discussed [...]