Mr. Wrong: Happy The Holidays @12:45 PM
Are you preparing for The Holidays or possibly enjoying some The Holidays right now? It's The Holiday Season in America right now, so please allow me to be one of the many people who will wish you a hearty "Happy The Holidays" this Year Of Our Lord Two-Thousand-Zero-Zero-Party Over-Almost-Ten, OK? I really don't feature all that crap about how there is a "War On Xmas" and shit just because people say "Hey man, have a Happy The Holidays and a great New Year, umkay?" That noise comes from the same crowd who says Pollution doesn't Pollute anything, you know?
99% of the people I bestow a "Happy The Holidays" upon are total fucking Strangers, right? How the fuck should I know which The Holidays they do, you know? READ MORE 17
Flicked Off: 'Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans' @10:02 AM
Of the three important movies opening today, our coverage of one of them will be handled elsewhere, by Mr. Joe MacLeod of the Baltimore City Paper:
Do you like Nicolas Cage? He ate a bug once, for real, in a movie. Do you think Nicolas Cage is a fucking weirdo sellout who maybe used to be an actor who could have done something with his career other than make movies such as Con Air or that piece of shit Ghost Rider? Do you ever find yourself wondering about Nicolas Cage's physical appearance or the provenance of the hair on his head? Remember Nicolas Cage in that remake of Kiss of Death with that red-headed tool who's on one of the C.S.I. shows now? Wasn't Nicolas Cage pretty good in Adaptation and Matchstick Men? Do you think of Nicolas Cage as a has-been? Have you ever found yourself annoyed because there's no "h" in Nicolas Cage's first name?
Mr. Wrong: Hate School, or BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMAPOTUS @3:00 PM
Sometimes before I poop out my column I write down some notes. Yeah, I know, right? Har! Also: in crayon. So, my notes for this episode are:
hate school – presdient addressing children about school
support post office – get credit card company to mail you bill
Mr. Wrong: Coffee Talk @1:56 PM
Yeah, maybe I'm a little late to the party on this one, but whatever: Look, I do not have to be quiet at the coffee shop. It is a place where they have coffee and loitering is tolerated or perhaps even encouraged and people come in and set up at a table with their laptop and every time I come in to one of these joints it's totally fucking quiet. There's no OBEY BE QUIET sign, but everybody's quiet because they are all up in their laptop computers, interfacing with the goddamn Machine Intelligence that is gonna take over any fucking minute now and not with like, Humans. However and shit, it is not the fucking Library. You want to go someplace to work where there's free Internet without wires, go to the fucking bibliothèque, where they have people paid to keep errbody quiet in there because it's where the Books live and they are old and easily disturbed by loud talking, like one is legally able to do in a Coffee Shop, over a goddamn fucking cuppa coffee, OK? Yeah, it's in the Constitution. READ MORE 16
Clash For Clunker @12:16 PM
I don't have any money or anything, but I can still totally get excited thinking of stuff I would like to Buy. Right? It's the kind of Thinking I can really get into, man, I can concentrate my ass off when there's dollar signs floating around. Usually right after I buy a lottery ticket for one of the big POWERBALL or MEGA deals where it's like the odds are Greater Than getting hit by lightning While You Are Winning The Lottery, I'm trying to figure how how I'm gonna handle The News, you know? READ MORE 3
A Fifth Of July @11:45 AM
I am an American, OK? I was born here, so I can't help it. For that, I don't apologize, here, or even in like, Canada or someplace where they are always telling us (as in U.S.) Americans how we (as in The People) fucked up the whole world. However, to poppy growers in the Afghanistan, I would like to say in my official capacity as an American, you are totally correct, we are Fucking Shit Up for you Over There, sorry, but look, can't we just work it so you guys just get a license to grow Medical Opium and then we'll buy it all off you? READ MORE 4
Mr. Wrong: Chicken Stamps with Dipping Sauce @11:30 AM
There's a lot going on in America right now, and I might be late to the party on most of this shit, but I was totally all over that Chicken-coupon problem with Oprah, man. I got the Twitter transcripts or whatever you wanna call 'em to prove it; seriously, I was downloading on those coupons as soon as I heard about 'em, and I saw the problem with the serial numbers all being the same unless you downloaded 'em with the official download/printer thing that you had to install, so you could get four coupons, but anyway, people are Hungry, man, that's what's going on in My America, and while I do not support non-fried Kentucky Fried Chicken, Free Food is Free Food, man, I hope you Got Some, plus two sides. READ MORE 10
Mr. Wrong: The Banana Lobby @12:00 PM
The other day I went to the grocery store and selected two bananas to enjoy for my breakfast to go along with some nutritious and highly-educational coffee I conscientiously and economically prepared at home instead of my typical styro-purchase. I went to the register with my two bananas and handed the guy a 20-dollar bill for my 55-cent purchase. He looks at the 20 and says, "You gotta be kidding." So now I'm like fuck, somebody slipped me one of those fake double-sawbucks I always see taped up on the plexi at the liquor store(s), goddammit! How the fuck did I let that happen?!? READ MORE 7
