Posts Tagged: Herman Cain

Fox News Replaces Idiot With Another Idiot

When Fox News got rid of Sarah Palin by offering her a very tiny contract renewal, people who follow these things said, "Oh, Fox News has been forced to scale back the crazy a little bit, because the old white lunatics are quickly dying off and America's population now consists solely of multi-ethnic transgender metrosexuals." But these people were wrong, because Fox News just hired Herman Cain as a paid on-air personality.

Herman Cain was the 2012 GOP presidential frontrunner at some point—everybody was a GOP frontrunner at some point, except for Sarah Palin. Imagine being such a washed-up dingbat that you couldn't even compete with the likes [...]


Herman Cain Slogans from the Internet, In Order


Better Ingredients, Better Country: Inside Papa John's Top-Secret Presidential Campaign

There are many reasons why I shouldn't have the information I have about Papa John Schnatter, and only one reason that I do. The reasons why not are plentiful. I am not, for instance, a fan of his pizza, and have been critical of it in the past—I have said, on the record and in many instances to people who didn't even ask what I thought of Papa John's, that I think Papa John's pizza "tastes like being in an airport feels" and "is basically an industrial accident covered with seven pounds of shredded cheese."

These critiques, I am aware, are not necessarily unique. What put me on Schnatter's [...]


First Follows: Weird Choices in First Twitter Follows!

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Verizon and AT&T should be paying us for helping them with their lab experiment.Sun Apr 17 03:32:27 via webChanRobtChanRobt

Everyone remembers their first. The slow burning excitement. Wondering with anticipation if your advances will be followed. The anxiety about whether you’ve chosen the right person. We refer to the first person you decide to follow on Twitter.

The first follow is a tiny window into a personality. Comedian Tracy Morgan’s first follow, for instance, was his personal assistant Kenny Pierce—a fitting choice for a man who needs supervision.

Gwyneth [...]


Lack Of GOP Primary Rubber Masks Ruins Bad Group Costume Idea

We had a great idea for a "group costume" you could do with some friends from work or the therapy group or whatever, but a quick yet exhaustive search on eBay shows there are no Halloween masks for Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, Rick Perry, Herman Cain or the rest of them (the "other Mormon," Buddy somebody?). Other than the actual candidate, Mitt Romney, the only GOP Primary figure available in weird rubber mask format is Newt Gingrich. And his mask dates back to when he was Speaker of the House, in the 1990s, and people otherwise uninterested in politics were briefly fascinated by the [...]


Armadillos Are Illegal To Sell In Texas And Extraordinarily Well Endowed

“I’m telling you the law. It’s illegal to sell a living armadillo. By statute. Dead armadillos you can sell parts of them. Make a curio of a little armadillo on his back drinking a bottle of beer.” —Scott Vaca, in Gail Collins' op-ed in today's Times, which is actually about Herman Cain and how Collins will not be writing about him anymore. Did you know that a male armadillo's penis is two-thirds the length of its entire body? I did not.


Herman Cain, Remixed

If you missed the extraordinary campaign ad for Republican presidential frontrunner Herman Cain because you've been too busy with other things, please enjoy this modified version of the spot, which contains only the best parts of the original work. It is truly a remarkable age, and astounding country, in which we live.


Herman Cain's Most Magical Year Ever: A Photo Scrapbook

I met Bill Nye, the global warming guy.

Herman Cain went from "That guy who debated Clinton?" to candidate for the Republican nomination for president of the United States of America to frontrunner in that race to the "Cain Train!" to walking embarrassing quote machine to "Sexual Harassment Train" to "Whatever happened to that guy who debated Clinton and then ran for president?" That took place in about nine months.

But all was not lost. Along the way, Herman met a great gang of people. And as they say, what's important is the journey, not the destination. Let's look back on a scrapbook of Herman Cain's two [...]


Let's Stop Pretending Herman Cain's a Real Thing

It's astounding that this is lingering as a news cycle as long as it has already, but can we all just agree to now ignore Herman Cain? Every election cycle some alleged front-runner dominates the news—welcomed by the candidates who'll be the real front-runners once there's actually primaries and stuff. Then this person gets pilloried and there's a "miraculous fall" or explosion or petering-out or whatever, and then we can get down to the real business. The point being that no one can stay front and in the center in the news that long without burning America's attention span right out. And the news cycle sure doesn't care who's getting [...]


Anders Breivik, The American Tea Party, Norway and "Sharia Creep"

The attacks were "a despicable act directed at everyone in Norway," said Siv Jensen, the leader of the Norwegian Progress Party. While her assessment of the 76 dead and nearly 100 injured may be philosophically true, it's technically false. The bombing and mass shooting late last week was in fact directed at a very specific group of Norwegians. These "summer camp" teens weren't shot for taking canoe lessons; they were shot for being political activists, or children of such. (This was something made very clear by Tea Party leader Glenn Beck, when he functionally ended his corporate career days later by comparing the dead to Hitler Youth).

After years [...]