Herman Cain's Most Magical Year Ever: A Photo Scrapbook

by Abe Sauer

I met Bill Nye, the global warming guy.

Herman Cain went from “That guy who debated Clinton?” to candidate for the Republican nomination for president of the United States of America to frontrunner in that race to the “Cain Train!” to walking embarrassing quote machine to “Sexual Harassment Train” to “Whatever happened to that guy who debated Clinton and then ran for president?” That took place in about nine months.

But all was not lost. Along the way, Herman met a great gang of people. And as they say, what’s important is the journey, not the destination. Let’s look back on a scrapbook of Herman Cain’s two semesters spent studying abroad in Legitimacystan.

I was extremely honored to meet Trace Shelton.

I promised I would pass along the esteemed former surgeon general C. Everett Koop’s concerns to my campaign manager.

As I told Mr. Puck, the more toppings a man has on his pizza, the more manly he is. Wolfgang agreed and told me his restaurants definitely don’t serve any sissy pizzas.

Now why on earth do newspapers keep getting skinnier while I keep getting chubbier? You can use that one!

I told President Bush my Anita Hill joke.

Congresswoman Bachmann taught me how to eat fried chicken on a plane.

This is my I.R.S. face. Hhhrrrrrmmmmmm.

It didn’t occur to me until now, but “Trump” is an onomatopoeia.

Now that I’m out of the race I can say this: If Newt just pulled his pants up he wouldn’t look so hefty.

When I meet really smart people, I like to rest my chin in my hand, like how a sniper steadies his rifle. Because that’s what my mind is, a sniper rifle.

My detractors liked to paint me as a pawn of white conservatives. And then when I spend a whole afternoon with a black Iowan, the media looks the other way!

This nice woman kept coming to my events and bugging me for a photo. So, here it is.

When you run into Jon Voight in Israel, you know the path He has chosen for you is right and justified.

You know they’ve got Pillsbury in Israel? Crazy!

I don’t know what this crazy world has in store for me next. But whatever it is, I sure ticked a whole bunch of things off my bucket list this last year. You like the hat? I think I’m going to stick with the hat.

There are
even more wonderful photos of this year on Herman Cain’s Facebook page.

Abe Sauer is the author of the book How to be: North Dakota. He is on Twitter. Email him at abesauer @ gmail.com.